NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > GENERAL DISCUSSION > Creative Writing Corner
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Your thoughts on your Judges Feedback
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

Your thoughts on your Judges Feedback

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  123 6>
Author
Message
Suave View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 25 Jan 2015
Location: Thailand
Status: Online
Points: 5990
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Your thoughts on your Judges Feedback
    Posted: 13 Sep 2018 at 11:05pm
Someone has to start this, so here goes.

Gr 12, Ivorg the Gnome

I greed with the technical "my bad parts, I have had a brain injury and really struggle with it, the suggestions for inclusion not so much, for a short fairytale - an author has to make decisions and go with them, mine was to keep it simple and let people use their imaginations.

''Ivorg the Gnome'' by Timothy O -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1788}  Ivorg's village housed quite a few imaginative properties: the deck erected by different kinds of fanciful creatures; the subterranean caverns; the tunnels at the bottom of the cliff. It's clear that the author envisioned a complex world, and its construction was quite remarkable and believable.

Ivorg's transformation was reminiscent of Pinocchio but possessed its own intriguing elements. It was thrilling when Ivorg fell back in love with life.  {1828}  I love the writing! Sentences like "as quick as a blink she darts in front" are well thought out. The story reflecs much of the feelings that our young people have today; that the world is too much for them. I love how the kaleidoscope became something akin to Scrooge's Night Before Christmas story where he could see the damage he had caused. Very well done moral to the story.  {1598}  Ivorg and Aalya are clearly drawn and sympathetic characters. The story has touches or humor that give it added dimension. The dialogue is entertaining and believable. 


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1788}  To further emphasize his reawakened conscience, it would be profitable to show the images Ivorg views in the kaleidoscope. It stirs something in him, but it has the potential to stir something in the reader as well. Is he seeing barren cupboards, painfully thin children, or people bent over with hunger? Try to illustrate the agony Ivorg sees with vivid imagery, reinforcing why he has a change of heart. Additionally, it will highlight the human inhabitants of his village that much more. This would be especially advantageous since Ivorg joins their community at the end.

"Ivorg the Gnome" is an endearing tale with several admirable attributes. Once the author illustrates the kaleidoscope's powerful images further, it will be that much stronger.  {1828}  I often feel that reading a story out loud can help with grammar and syntax errors. This is a well-written story with excellent character development.  {1598}  The story could benefit from more tension that could make it less predictable that all will end well. Perhaps Ivorg could have to wrestle with himself to let go of his old ways, maybe even threaten the fairy momentarily. Something along those lines would likely heighten the drama, which would lead to greater satisfaction when all is resolved at the end.




Edited by Suave - 20 Sep 2018 at 7:10am
Back to Top
Sponsored Links


Back to Top
Penandastori View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Newbie
NYC Midnight Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 05 Jun 2018
Status: Offline
Points: 76
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Penandastori Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2018 at 6:42am
Wow, your feedback is so thorough.
https://forums.nycmidnight.com/ch1-gr76-ripped-horror_topic18491_post230060.html#230060
https://forums.nycmidnight.com/ch2-gr76-sunflower-suspense_topic19119.html
Back to Top
Suave View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 25 Jan 2015
Location: Thailand
Status: Online
Points: 5990
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2018 at 7:30am
Originally posted by Penandastori Penandastori wrote:

Wow, your feedback is so thorough.


Where is yours?  That is what this all about, lol.
Back to Top
TheDustyZebra View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 22 Jan 2017
Location: Colorado
Status: Online
Points: 1363
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TheDustyZebra Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2018 at 9:58am
I thought I'd be ten pages in, when I decided to go to bed last night and post here in the morning! LOL

Here's mine. It's very much aligned with my forum feedback, and valid for the most part. I'd like to know which "extremely common phrases" that judge didn't like -- that's a very specific criticism with no examples to back it up, which is frustratingly unhelpful.

I don't think I've ever been accused of "mulching" before. Tongue

I can't quite decide whether the third judge just couldn't find anything else for the "needs work" category, or got so hung up on the logline that it wrecked everything else for them (given their good feedback above, I have to guess the former). I was at the wire with the logline and just threw it out there, so I can't say it's my best work by any means. Not gonna worry about that one.


 WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -

{1844}  Darius's character was developed quite well. The unexpected turn at the end of the second act was a delight. The ending was highly satisfying.   

{1816}  Great first line that raises questions and grounds in a fantasy story, and also we are set up in Darius's goal. This is an inventive story with the trials and blend of unicorns and horses, but there are also boundaries in this culture as well and we can see the obstacles that Darius faces.   

{1610}  ~ Sweet tale of Initiation into Darius' true Destiny.

~ Hope surged when I read that the Queen Mother had a Unicorn mount in her youth, and it works especially well since royalty is all about lineage.

~ Your gay, romantic sub-plot was delightful!  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 

{1844}  There are a few extremely common phrases that could be swapped for more original language, given the overall originality in the piece.  

{1816}  Give us some dialogue from Darius from the beginning. His mother speaks but he doesn't. Having him talk will help us connect deeper with him. Rather than have Darius ask himself so many questions - turn these into statements. This will make him a stronger character. Also, let us see Darius go through the trial and win. This is a big moment for him and seeing that emotional moment from him would give us satisfaction for his achieving his goal.  

{1610}  ~ You don't need to announce your synopsis or logline per se; as long as it is on the cover page and beneath the title it will be clear what it is.

~ Also, while your logline is enchanting and pleasant enough, it doesn't provide the requisite hook.

Guidelines:

The most effective Loglines contain these three elements:

your Protagonist(s),

their Goal, and

an Impediment to that Goal.

~ You mulched the fact that Darius was chosen without enough build-up and focus ~ this is set up as the main plot after all.



Edited by TheDustyZebra - 14 Sep 2018 at 10:00am
Back to Top
Suave View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 25 Jan 2015
Location: Thailand
Status: Online
Points: 5990
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2018 at 10:09am
Originally posted by TheDustyZebra TheDustyZebra wrote:



WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 


{1610}  ~ You don't need to announce your synopsis or logline per se; as long as it is on the cover page and beneath the title it will be clear what it is.

~ Also, while your logline is enchanting and pleasant enough, it doesn't provide the requisite hook.

Guidelines:

The most effective Loglines contain these three elements:

your Protagonist(s),

their Goal, and

an Impediment to that Goal.

~ You mulched the fact that Darius was chosen without enough build-up and focus ~ this is set up as the main plot after all.


Wow!  I have never seen a judge go into that much detail, it is usually just a remark.  I will reread that as it is good advice.
Back to Top
nod1v1ng View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2016
Location: Snowland
Status: Online
Points: 3054
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nod1v1ng Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2018 at 10:18am
Originally posted by TheDustyZebra TheDustyZebra wrote:

I thought I'd be ten pages in, when I decided to go to bed last night and post here in the morning! LOL

It seems like feedback is being shared through a bunch of threads this round. Hmmm.

'Big Boys Don't Cry''   
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 
{1669}  Great story, very tense and scary. I liked all of the details, the way it smelled and stuffy air, singing the song, the sticker. I liked the characterization of the little boy too, though it was quite sad. Nice work.  This is the 1st time I've ever had a judge comment on the use of my item. Which is interesting since the "item rule" changed this round.

{1597}  I liked how you paced this story. I liked the descriptions of the bodies, which were very well done. I liked the tone and psychological feel of the story.   

{1795}  That was an amazingly depressing story. Both in just how depressing it is and how amazing. I really thought, at one point, that at least one of them was going to make it but the two of them walking into the light at the end is wonderfully beautiful and sad. They clearly don't know me... EVERYONE DIES! Or is screwed royally. nod does not do happy endings. LOL 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 
{1669}  My only question is--how did he actually die? I'm assuming from the head injury? Yes. But maybe just a glimpse at his body's head to reaffirm that for the reader at the end would be good.  

{1597}  I think there are a lot of great elements here, and that the story works well in general, but there is some room for improvement. When the mother is first described her body sounds like a little girl's. While perhaps I don't understand this b/c I know the characters, it is in line with some of the peer review. I've revised to clearly state it's a woman not a girl. I'm also confused about the whimper, and the phrase "monsters don't cry." Liam feels his pulse just before that - has he not died yet, or does his ghost self still have a pulse? At the end, I'm not sure what the mother is referring to when she says he doesn't need "that" anymore. All in, I'm not sure this judge is the kind of critical reader I'd target. 

{1795}  I would love to understand more about this "Bad Man". Is it the father and husband of the family? Or were they simply tortured and left to die at the hands of some random person. Knowing the connection, personal or not, between the two victims and the killer may help draw people in more. Perhaps, if I had more words. To me it was scarier not knowing. 

I felt the judges' feedback mostly mirrored the trends in peer review so I can't really complain. Probably the most reasonable judges' feedback I've had in a while.


Edited by nod1v1ng - 14 Sep 2018 at 10:19am
Back to Top
Smith Corona View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2016
Location: Illinois
Status: Offline
Points: 1200
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Smith Corona Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2018 at 10:32am
I loved my feedback! :) I felt like their criticisms were valid, they saw the positives, and they viewed this as a story that could be edited and then submitted somewhere. I think I simply got outclassed by some even stronger work in my heat (I got 5th place/11 points), but I didn't feel like I did anything huge to lose points. And I can totally live with that.

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 

{1777}  Ah, the plight of unrequited love. I like the opening scenery on the runway that really gives you a feel for the weather and sounds and environment that Michelle deals with. Some of my favorite descriptions were: sun glinting off the wings, don't you both just kind of know?, back to working and waiting and dreaming, not so romantic and hazy but real. You do a wonderful job of setting up Michelle's crush on Paul, identifying her as a no-name and him as the sophisticated pilot, how she's shy and he has enough stories for both of them, how she loves to stand on the runway to see him off. We also see how inattentive he is with the constant apple pie gifts and lack of contact. I so enjoyed the turn around when the world suddenly takes on clarity for Michelle and she crushes the unwanted apple pie and dumps it. Well done!  


{1858}  Most of the stories I've read/judged in this category have nostalgic thoughts regarding apple pie, so to have someone right a story where it's vending machine apple pie that they don't like and that gets crushed up and thrown away at the end was refreshing. I love your twist on the topic. Great/very memorable!   


{1788}  Thanks to its sound structure, the plot moved seamlessly and provided the audience with a believable resolution. Michelle's revelation came courtesy of a small discovery but the rising action made a huge impact. The airport runway setting was nicely rendered. From the business of Michelle's surroundings to the little intricacies of a regional airport, the author crafted a fully realized location.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 

{1777}  How old is Michelle? I'm curious to know how much relationship experience she has. How well does she know Wendy? Was she offended by Wendy's advice? I wanted more of Michelle's emotions and feelings. We have her thoughts about Paul, but what does she feel - elation, excitement, sadness, anger - and where are those feelings in her body. Especially at teh end when the world sharpens, is she angry, shocked at her previous behavior, embarrassed by her actions and beliefs? Where does she feel that? Does her breath shorten, her chest tighten, her head ache? And does she make one of those emotional decisions, like I'm never going to fall for a pilot again? 


 {1858}  The age difference between what Paul would have been and Michelle (just out of high school and/or five years older at most) was a bit jarring. Perhaps make her a bit older. If he's greying, then he's probably at least 40, and she would be anywhere from 18-23 depending on when they met. Even for a fling, 17+ years of an age difference seems a bit much.   


{1788}  Michelle's characterization, specifically her naivete, would be more dynamic with further development. The story mentions that she started working there right after high school. However, this doesn't necessarily mean that she's inexperienced when it comes to boys or relationships. It would be more telling if the narrative revealed that she's somewhat of a novice when it comes to romance. On the other hand, perhaps Michelle is experienced but she's still holding out hope for something better. By sculpting her dating history or hopes, it sheds a light on why she's willing to wait on the runway for this specific man. Paul's alluring but what does he have over any guy that she's met before? This can be addressed in a single paragraph but it would continue to build Michelle's characterization and support her naive actions. "Prepare for Departure" possesses a tightly woven structure and wonderful setting. Once the author shapes Michelle's romantic past further, it will be in fantastic condition.



Edited by Smith Corona - 14 Sep 2018 at 10:33am
Back to Top
RebRas View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 14 Jul 2018
Status: Offline
Points: 171
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote RebRas Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2018 at 10:49am
 WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1651}  Structurally, this needs work. The way you've set it up seems structured to make Jen shot a gun at the turbines and destroy the wind farm. She says she thinks about what could have been if it wasn't for this farm. I'd find a way to set up more her growing hatred of Kevin,. I think one way to do it is to fully commit to being in the present story instead of recalling it as if it's a far away story. That will also create suspense, because if she's just telling it in the past, we already know she's committed murder.

I was surprised that someone could read anything other than murder into the protagonist's final act. I think making the story more present oriented could certainly work, but this perspective felt more "atmospheric" to me rather than action oriented, which is what I was going for. 


  {1774}  Your story begs the question: Why didn't Jen just leave Kevin? Share more of their origins together and how their relationship had morphed into something so abusive and twisted. Reveal what Kevin cared about, and why he felt fulfilled in that life when Jen so strongly did not.  

This feedback is the hardest for me to bite off; it made me feel like this judge missed some of the main points of the story. One of the major themes of the story is the desperation of an abusive relationship. "Why didn't she just leave?" is one of those questions people always ask when they don't understand domestic abuse. There's absolutely no more space to go into the backstory of their relationship, but I think two people living the same life and having distinctly different perceptions of it is something almost universally relatable to anyone who's been in a long-term relationship. The story, in some way, is about one person compromising on their dreams for another with disastrous end results. 


{1504}  You might consider deleting the third paragraph. I think it detracts from the impact of the second paragraph, particularly the ending reference to driving someone to kill. I don't think Jen should pick up the plate and try to clean the carpet. I think she should dump something else on it, perhaps something of her husband's, to show her anger and deteriorating mental condition.

I'm fine with a feedback on the third paragraph. This is another of those odd things, because that wouldn't be within my characters's nature. I imagined her as a perfectionist who's clinging to the possibility of things getting better for the long-term and to never changes her standards or expectations. She is who she is and wants what she wants, which is the whole reason she's driven to murder. She's rigid I'm trying and regain control, from an abusive husband; shess not psychotic or petty.
Back to Top
hanalyst View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 22 Jul 2016
Location: CA
Status: Offline
Points: 165
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hanalyst Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2018 at 2:37pm
I thought most of it was helpful except for 1601's "I didn't understand why the girl is doing this" comment--that was the one part where I want to push back and say WELL EVERYONE ELSE DID SO THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM.

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1601}  Excellent, realistic dialog in this story. Good use of specific detail in the description.  {1744}  This is a beautiful and moving story. I particularly liked the close attention to detail and the subtle way the story built tension and suspense.  {1774}  Your subtle descriptions set a tone, particularly within the young girl, of a greater emotion just beneath the surface. Without having to blatantly tell the reader, the importance of that specific book for that girl came across. The interaction with the librarian was heartfelt and touching.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1601}  Don't really understand what the girl with the backpack is doing. Why is she on this scavenger hunt? It is not clear based on the context of the story.  {1744}  I found myself wanting to know more about the person telling the story. Can you give us more information about her from the beginning? Can you make her voice even more distinct and individualized?  {1774}  Share more about the father-daughter relationship, to aid the reader in becoming even more invested in the girl's mission. Also, explore revealing tidbits about the librarian that move her and help her connect with this girl. Perhaps a memory of your younger days or one of her own children move her to assist the girl in her quest.
R1G28 (14 pts): Overdue
R2G28 (14 pts): Line of Sight
Back to Top
Lord Xoon View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 15 Jul 2017
Status: Offline
Points: 529
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lord Xoon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2018 at 2:49pm
Overall it's fine. I usually get a few nuggets to take out of each one.

My one complaint is that usually in the "Things that need work" I always get "You could have spent more time fleshing out ______ issue".

Well, I would have if I had another 500 words to play with. Lol.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  123 6>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 12.01
Copyright ©2001-2018 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.059 seconds.