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DigitalDonkey View Drop Down
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    Posted: 01 May 2014 at 4:28am
Hey everyone,
I am new to screenwriting and want to understand if I am doing this screenplay in the right format...am I on the right track, is my work interesting and captivating or do I need to do some major adjustments? Here below some of the one I was working on to practice before the competetion kicks off...

 

                   ANOTHER DAY

When your neighbor becomes your enemy and your enemy your new commander, survival become complicated.

 

FADE IN:

INT. BARRACKS, ARMY BASE – EARLY MORNING.

The barracks come to life with soldiers prepping army kit, military gear and cleaning their assault rifles.

EXT. PARADE GROUND

High ranked officers sit under a military gazebo on the side of the parade ground, planning Operation Sound Sweep. The military base gathering siren chimes and the soldiers run towards the parade ground in single line formations. They form organized platoon groups of thirty. The officials exit the gazebo and walk towards the parade ground.

                        Sergeant Major Dickson

              Platoon attention!

The troops come to attention. An eerie quiet falls across the grounds as the high ranking officers come to a halt in front of the soldiers. The Seargeant Major does an about turn, salutes and recovers to facing the soldiers.

                        Captain Sommers

              At ease men.

The Seargeant Major issues the command and the soldiers stand at ease. The captain continues.

As you are all aware, we have been called to arms. The ANC is currently using riots and disruption tactics to cause instability in the country. Within these townships there are armed SDU’s and we have been tasked to break up these units, retrieve weapons and take into custody the perpetrators. The rules of engagement are minimum and relative force. All actions will be preceded by a command from your platoon leader. Your platoon leaders have received standing order and these will be explained to you shortly. This operation is a hush. Please act accordingly.

The captain turns around. The parade ground is called to attention and the SM salutes the captain. The officers leave the parade ground.

FADE OUT:

 

FADE IN:

INT. MILITARY MESS HALL

Soldiers eating. Some still in the row waiting to be served.

 

                        Sharpshooter James Cats

Hey John, do you think this one will be as bad as the last one?

          Sharpshooter John Benson

Not sure. Did you see the seriousness on their faces? I think it might be.

          Sharpshooter James Cats

They’re having more and more discussions at HQ. Something sure is cooking in the oh sh*t pot.

          (then laughs)

          Sharpshooter Jack Carson

          (looking very serious)

James, you better make sure your mind is away from that pretty girl of yours. I am not going into a contact if you’re not behind me.  

          Shooter James Cat

I got you man. I’m good.

FADE OUT:

 

FADE IN:

EXT. BUFFEL OPEN TOPS IN ROW, SOLDIERS INSIDE

03:30

The Buffels are idling while the drivers do their checks. Inside various tactical moves are reviewed and followed by acknowledgement. Weapon checks are done. Nervous and serious faces all round.

                        Corporal Tom Smith

This is it manne. Put your brave faces on, focus and you will be just fine. You’ve done this before, nothing new. Man up!

                        Troops

              Hoooah!

The convoy leaves the 7SAI battalion grounds.

FADE OUT:

 

FADE IN:

EXT. TOKOZA DISTRICT TWO, INTEL SUGGESTED SELF DEFENCE UNIT SITE.

05:00 Dogs are barking. Residents are still sleeping. Alpha, Bravo and Charlie platoons have flank the rear and sides. Echo platoon enter front. Lieutenant Mark Brady splits platoon echo into 4 groups and set the time to engage at 05:15

                        Lieutenant Mark Brady

Stealth men. Quick and easy. Shock and awe. Restrain suspects, ammo live safety off. Remember there are civilians. Know your target. Minimum and relative response.

          Troops

(soft hoooah)

          Lieutenant Mark Bady

Move out

FADE OUT:

 

FADE IN:

EXT. MUDDY ROADS BETWEEN SHACKS AND OLD BUILDINGS. NO STREET LIGHTS. FULL MOON.

The soldiers move in a straight line and cover the front entrance and side windows of the suspected stronghold. They blend into the environment with their camouflaged war gear. Corporal Tom Smith checks his watch. 05:13 and signals two fingers to the soldiers with him. 05:15

Two soldiers knock the front door out using a door bang.

The remaining troops speedily file into the building, securing room by room.

Sharpshooter Cats and Carson ziplock the male individuals and placed them face down.

Two try to escape. Carson grabs onto the one and eventually brings him down. The other is apprehended by the forces in the rear. No shots are fired.

 

          Sharpshooter Jack Carson

Did you see the one guy jump. Man, I had to grab onto him and he nearly pulled me over the wall with him!

          Sharpshooter James Cats

Well he was four times your size.

(laughs)

          Sharpshooter Jack Carson

I didn’t even notice.

          Sharpshooter James Cats

Yes sure. You hung from him like a ragged doll.

          Sharpshooter Jack Carson

But I didn’t let go!

          Sharpshooter James Cats

No you didn’t. Well done!

(both laughing)

FADE OUT:

 

FADE IN:

INT. GENERAL BATTALION ASSEMBLY HALL TWO WEEKS LATER

The hall sounds like a beehive, all the soldiers, officers and admin staff unsure why this assembly was called. A group of generals appear on the podium stage. Everyone rises and the South African anthem is sung.

 

                        Everyone

              Uit die blou van onse hemel,

Uit die diepte van ons…

(continues to the end of the anthem)

Everyone sits down again.

                        General Viviers

              (Standing at the podium)

Admin, officers and soldiers. It is my duty to inform you that after the release of nelson Mandela from Robben Island and the Referendum held yesterday South Africa is no longer governed by the National Party. The African National Congress is the newly elected government and from today the South African Defence Force will be known as the South African New Defence Force. The ANC is no longer regarded as an enemy of the Republic of South Africa.

(a huge buzz covers the hall and is silenced by the Regional Seargeant Major)

          General Viviers

     (continuing)

It will take some sacrifice and discipline while we transform this country and I ask your best efforts in this regard. You will be further briefed by you platoon commanders and leaders.

The general turns.

(soldiers rise)

He leaves the podium, the other officers follow.

RSM Dickson

(now on the podium)

Return to your quarters. You will be briefed at 10:00 Dismiss.

(Soldiers start filing out of the hall)

 

FADE OUT:

Marius van der Walt
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potniatheron View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote potniatheron Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2014 at 3:24pm

Just a quick comment on format. You don't need the Fades at the beginning and end of each scene. Just one at the very beginning of the screenplay, no colon -- and one Fade Out at the end, right justified, no colon. Everything else looks great.

I will read it all when I have some time.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Scarlet Screenwriter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2014 at 4:59pm

I suggest you get some screenwriting software to get rid of your formatting worries ...CELTX is free, or there is FINAL DRAFT ... your RH margin for dialogue is well out ... should be equal to the LH indent






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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote StephwithanF Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 May 2014 at 6:18pm
I recommend a free web program.  

http://www.scripped.com/

It's what I used for the Short Screenplay Challenge and it takes most of the formatting guess work out of the equation.

I'm not a professional, and the short screenplay challenge has been the only thing I've ever entered but I have read a lot of screenplay books, and screenplays themselves. 

You should read a few screenplays in the genre that you like to get a feel of the pace and amount of description that you need.

I do see a few errors that using scripped would clean up.  Be sure to spell check also.  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DigitalDonkey Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2014 at 3:50am
Another question I have. In the 12 pages allowed, must I actually complete the story...so in twelve pages end the story or can it be 12 pages into the story...?
Marius van der Walt
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Scarlet Screenwriter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2014 at 4:20am

Don't know exactly what you're asking, DD ... The screenplay should satisfy the reader in that it offers a decent journey... It can allude to events before and to come, but with a minimum of exposition. Many short films pick up at a point where something has happened, but can't assume the audience will get what is happening if you just start at random. Read some earlier entries to get the gist.






Edited by Scarlet Screenwriter - 04 May 2014 at 4:21am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DigitalDonkey Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2014 at 5:18am
Hmm, sorry. What I am asking in relation to the competition. Do I have to write a completed story from Fade in to fade out or from title page to END in 12 pages...? :) Thanks for all the help.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Scarlet Screenwriter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2014 at 5:57am

Title page and logline don't count. Yes, everything from go to whoa in 12 pages or less. I think a minimum of 1 page. I have sometimes entered fewer than the maximum pages if I was happy. If you go over 12 pages, you can sometimes tighten the kerning with some screenwriting software.








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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Lynne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2014 at 5:54pm
Database of screenplay scripts to peruse by genre ...

http://www.imsdb.com/

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