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Group 39 - Ghost Story / Counting money / relax

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phantasm3 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote phantasm3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Group 39 - Ghost Story / Counting money / relax
    Posted: 14 May 2020 at 1:44pm
  "Surface"


"Relax”, the man said, thumbing through the bills. "I've been doin' this a while, and I ain't seen nobody hurt yet." That did little for Daniel's dread; however, he entered the cavern. These past couple of years have been rough. This was his last-ditch effort at achieving closure.

 

 "Hello? Son?"

 

 Ridiculous, he thought. He gave it one last try.

 

 "I miss you… I hope you know that!"

 

Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes down the vast labyrinth. He realizes there's nothing else. This is the end. As he turns away, ashamed, cold fingers weave his own.

 

 “Daddy?” 

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Paul Bee View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Paul Bee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 May 2020 at 8:18am
Nice job
Edit your tense changes, you switch from past to present
Also I would make "these past couple years had been rough" a little more specific. It wasn't totally clear to me who was talking in the next line.

Good luck

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote eswan27 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 May 2020 at 5:03pm
Ooh...

Thinking about Paul Bee's feedback as well, I think you could have developed the desired context more effectively through the snippet of opening dialogue. Maybe the line could be about making contact, or about how people usually only encounter what they're looking for, etc.

Dread also felt like maybe not the right emotion for this grieving father. If he's willing to take this step to make contact again, maybe it's something else.

I love this concept though, and that final image really smacks of your assigned genre.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote fioOxf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2020 at 1:01pm
@phantasm3  If you post your story in the Micro forum here https://forums.nycmidnight.com/the-100word-microfiction-challenge-2020-review_forum71.html   (click New topic...same as you did for this one) and then go into the Masterlist post for groups 1-39 and give myrhapsody your forum link, you'll get more views and feedback. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote GKFralin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2020 at 9:57pm
I found this an endearing and sad piece of work. There's a problem with your use of present and past tense. It's not an uncommon error among writers. Maybe a little more edit next time or having another look at it. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the context of the story. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Prairieboy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 May 2020 at 12:28pm
Good idea and execution. I had trouble with "Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes down the vast labyrinth." Wouldn't his words, not his voice, echo? I think something like "His now-hoarse throat chokes his words as they echo down the vast labyrinth." would be more clear.
The final image is very powerful.
Read my 1st Round story titled St. Brigid's magic stones
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote ROS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 May 2020 at 2:03pm
Hey there phantasm3. Nice job with your story. I like the concept of a grieving father doing whatever he must to connect with his dead son. I could feel his sorrow even after so much time had passed. When the cold fingers locked with his that gave me a chill. 

I would suggest though that you start the sentence..."That did little..." in a new paragraph so there's a clearer distinction between the man who was hired and the grieving father. Also, watch out for tense changes if there's no need for them like with a flashback for example.

Thanks for sharing your work. Best of luck with the judges.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote phantasm3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 May 2020 at 9:45am
Thank you for the kind words and critique from everyone so far.

Edited by phantasm3 - 25 May 2020 at 9:47am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote phantasm3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2020 at 4:25pm
Originally posted by Paul Bee Paul Bee wrote:

Nice job
Edit your tense changes, you switch from past to present
Also I would make "these past couple years had been rough" a little more specific. It wasn't totally clear to me who was talking in the next line.

Good luck


Thank you for your kind words and critique.
The narration is 3rd person omniscient. I also took a little artistic license in how the story was being told, changing tenses from past to present to carry the story. If this was a longer piece I believe it would have made more sense to you or at the very least acclimated you to the style of the story more effectively.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote phantasm3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2020 at 4:32pm
Originally posted by eswan27 eswan27 wrote:

Ooh...

Thinking about Paul Bee's feedback as well, I think you could have developed the desired context more effectively through the snippet of opening dialogue. Maybe the line could be about making contact, or about how people usually only encounter what they're looking for, etc.

Dread also felt like maybe not the right emotion for this grieving father. If he's willing to take this step to make contact again, maybe it's something else.

I love this concept though, and that final image really smacks of your assigned genre.

Thank you for the kind words and critique.

I chose dread because he's not willing to take a next step, he's at the end of his metaphorical rope mentally, emotionally and otherwise. He's at the doorway of his last hope in the bowels of the abyss not knowing if he has it in him to retreat back or trudge forward. Even if what he does works, what does that mean? Will it even bring him solace? That emotion is the dread of not knowing.
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