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    Posted: 23 Apr 2019 at 10:09pm
Originally posted by pdevlin pdevlin wrote:

It's hard to learn from this when the comments are so contradictory. 
I agree, Penny. These are frustrating comments. It is not possible, I don't think, for the judges to objectively review a story. Their personal opinion always comes into it and this is very clear in the comments you received. One thing you can be sure of is that one judge's personal opinion is that they really, really liked your story!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mumser Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Apr 2019 at 10:06pm
Hi Suave, sorry I didn't see this thread earlier - here is my feedback. I gave NYCM an evaluation of each judge, as I always do. I thought 1901 gave the most helpful comments, and 1883 put a lot of effort in but I felt he/she tried to rewrite my story, which to me misses the mark (although I think I'm guilty of this sometimes too in my reviews).  

'The Peace Pageant'' by Laila Miller -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 

{1651}  I enjoyed the historical setting in which you've placed us and the universality of the story helps us empathize. Jimmy feels like a well-drawn character.  

{1883}  * Loved the relationship between Mrs. Webb and Jimmy...nicely articulated

* Clive was a complex character; dig a little bit deeper on him; help the reader to "see" him more; how does he walk, how does he look? Describe the contrast between him in his civvies and in dress uniform. Is he dirty? Unkempt? Explain that J arrives early, so there is enough time for Clive to have gotten home and changed into uniform and spiffed up...or write the scene of Clive rejecting the money on a bad day (the day before the pageant)?

* The ending is so heartwarming...but I don't know that J needs to see a gray-haired stranger in the door...I think just "Best thing to do when you felt a bit scared..." and repeating this from the early parts of the story--we know exactly who he is thinking of...and he IS feeling scared now. Those words are a comfort. She's still with him. Lovely.  

{1901}  The dialogue was well done, the characters had a distinctive way in which they spoke. The character of Jimmy was a good antithesis to Mrs. Webb. Where Mrs. Webb represented hopelessness and cynicism, Jimmy represented hope - that there can be peace if we band together.

It was cool to see that Clive wasn't who we thought he was.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 

{1651}  I'm a bit confused at the ending. What does the grey-haired stranger at the end signify? Why would Jimmy, now older, be afraid of the stranger?  

{1883}  * SYNOPSIS - A bit confusing: The war is over, but Mrs. Webb says "no Peace Pageant will ever stop war."

The sentence about Jimmy is rather vague.

FYI: 85% of the synopses in this competition are not strong...it's an art unto itself. 

* Is it possible for a one-armed man to play the harmonica?

* Consider how better to connect Jimmy's racing after Mrs. Webb to memories of his Gran. Might these be (italicized) internal thoughts? Just an idea. OR: tighten the link EX: Just like sweet gran, she's wandering around again, lost and forgetful. - This is an opportunity also to illustrate how he felt about his gran...and how that links him to Mrs. Webb

* If he's not thinking about how his gran looked, the reader doesn't need that sentence...

* Why is the constable seeing Jimmy a problem?

Consider "What if the Constable catches him and ______?"

* Horse-drawn

* Are ALL returned after the war: Vendors? Horse-drawn cabs? Veterans? Or just the vets?

* Consider that sleeve might be pinned up (as is customary)

* Did Jimmy see the man not playing (and sad?), to make this comment about "happier when he plays."

Share what J has seen in the past to illustrate this change in his demeanor...perhaps?

* "It's so there's no more war." - ? Is this what these pageants were for? I thought it would be to celebrate the end of the war and the start of peaceful times.

* It seems a bit implausible that Jimmy wouldn't know she knits...and that he'd get a bonnet sample and spend money on yarn...

* Consider "Now, where'd I put my knitting needles?" (Jimmy wouldn't be able to answer "Where are they?"

* It would take a LONG time to knit 100 bonnets...consider giving an accurate sense of how much time has passed...

* The reader wants Jimmy to explain his feelings, even if he can't tell Clive...consider sharing what this is about...

* "The band, the children, the horses: war, and peace, and war again, just like Mrs. Webb said." - But this is a celebration of the end of the war...is there another one in sight? This moment is not about thinking on the next war, I don't think.

* "...bashing the children in his way." - Is this picture what the reader should be seeing?

* What if Jimmy told her he DID see Harold, and how fine he looked in his uniform--just to make her feel better...he seems a sensitive boy up to this point

* Consider: "He didn't reach her in time." 0r "He didn't protect her." Rather than "he hadn't helped her."

* Nice ending--sweet.  

{1901}  Jimmy kept referring to the Constable throughout the story, but he never seemed like that big of an obstacle. He should play a larger role in the story, and perhaps there are a few times where he tries to put a stop to The Peace Pageant.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Apr 2019 at 8:43pm
Originally posted by pdevlin pdevlin wrote:

It's hard to learn from this when the comments are so contradictory. 


They don't give points in this one, you either move on or don't.
Sad thing you did learn is that the judges all have their own opinion,
and it is not always given because they are knowledgeable on the subject.
I think some just got up on the wrong side of the beds in the morning.  That
said, the feedback they gave for these stories this time was way way better
than I have ever seen from this contest before(not for your story, but in general).  I think if you try reading between
the lines you may get more from this feedback.  Try seeing the view of each
of those judges when thinking of your story and try and imagine where the
hell they get off, lol - well you know what I mean - sometimes the judge that
gave you the bad review, or directly opposite of the others, was only being
honest from his/her view point, so it is something to think about.  On the other hand
it may have been totally off point and like I said they had a bad day and took it out
on everyone around them.


Edited by Suave - 24 Apr 2019 at 12:52am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pdevlin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Apr 2019 at 12:00pm
It's hard to learn from this when the comments are so contradictory. 
http://bit.ly/2fGu9my
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pdevlin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Apr 2019 at 11:58am
It didn't make it to the second round list and I can't find anywhere else where points are mentioned so I'm not sure where it fell in line with the rest of the stories in that group.  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jhill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Apr 2019 at 9:42am
Originally posted by pdevlin pdevlin wrote:

Round 1, Group 58

Fairy Tale/A rumor/A helicopter parent

http://bit.ly/2UIgptU

''Gossip Kills'' by Penny Devlin -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1926}  I like the juxtaposition of the conversational tone with traditional fairy tale subject matter. There is a clear sense of rising action, plot twist, and climactic action. The characters' names are great as well.  {1943}  This is a wonderful story with an incredibly strong storytelling voice. The story made me laugh aloud several times, especially at the author interjections such as, "Now, I don't know about you, but I can't imagine anything more evil than being eaten by an orc, but maybe that's just me." You balance your sentences beautifully, and your word choice is imaginative and precise, creating a wonderful richness as you tell your story.  {1825}  I really enjoyed the focus on orcs and the humorous light in which the story paints them. I also loved and was genuinely surprised by the twist of Ourig meeting a human this whole time. And the deadpan sad ending fit perfectly here.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1926}  The narration goes way overboard on explaining the nature of orc behavior. Instead of pausing after every other sentence to comment on what orcs are typically like, which messes up the rhythm of the story and feels preachy, just show it through the action or dialogue. I would also omit the instances of talking directly to the audience with lines like, "Now, I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine anything more evil than being eaten by an orc, but maybe that’s just me." This technique is really infantalizing to the reader and makes the whole story feel a bit childish.  {1943}  This story is so beautifully written that it is difficult to find much to suggest you edit. You have an incredibly strong voice, and you maintain the rhythm and flow of the story from start to finish. I adored the author interjections, they are frequent enough to entertain, but they are not too frequent as to become irritating. 

You paint a rich, complete picture of the orcs, in all their glorious stupidity, such as,  "Orcs didn't have relationships! They couldn't even stand themselves." Ourig's character was fully developed - as fully as is possible with an orc, that is! When you knew your plot was stretching, rather than get into unnecessary description or explanation, you used it as an opportunity to inject that wonderful author voice again "I bet you saw this coming, didn't you?" That was wonderful!

The only thing I would suggest is that you look at the final sentence. The first part, is very satisfying and strong,  "In this story, no one lived happily ever after." I think that sentence could stand on its own. I just felt that the second part could be expressed with something more of your unique voice, to end the story with a final bang. Awesome story, I could see this in a collection of Orc Stories for children!  {1825}  I found the flow of the story to be somewhat clunky at times. For example, "was quickly executed because how dare he..." The sentence shifts halfway through. And there's no need to call attention to the digression in paragraphs 2 and 3 by saying "but back to..." It disrupts the flow. You could start paragraph 4 simply with "But today..." Later, when the orcs are arguing about whether to tell the queen the truth or run away, I think the story should lay out this scene with dialogue and action rather than summarizing it. And consider cutting some of the asides about orcs throughout the story. I think they add a touch of humor, but by coming up too often they disrupt the flow of the action. For example, "Plus, their tusks stick out way more when they’re mad, and are almost as deadly as their breath!" and "No one ever said being Orc Queen was an easy job!" felt unnecessary to me.


I like the way the judges say the exact opposite about the interjections. They seriously disagree with each other! 
R1 The Luckiest Night (Rom)
R2 Disinhibited (A/A)
R3 Black Market
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2019 at 9:57pm
Originally posted by pdevlin pdevlin wrote:

Round 1, Group 58

Fairy Tale/A rumor/A helicopter parent

http://bit.ly/2UIgptU

''Gossip Kills'' by Penny Devlin -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1926}  I like the juxtaposition of the conversational tone with traditional fairy tale subject matter. There is a clear sense of rising action, plot twist, and climactic action. The characters' names are great as well.  {1943}  This is a wonderful story with an incredibly strong storytelling voice. The story made me laugh aloud several times, especially at the author interjections such as, "Now, I don't know about you, but I can't imagine anything more evil than being eaten by an orc, but maybe that's just me." You balance your sentences beautifully, and your word choice is imaginative and precise, creating a wonderful richness as you tell your story.  {1825}  I really enjoyed the focus on orcs and the humorous light in which the story paints them. I also loved and was genuinely surprised by the twist of Ourig meeting a human this whole time. And the deadpan sad ending fit perfectly here.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1926}  The narration goes way overboard on explaining the nature of orc behavior. Instead of pausing after every other sentence to comment on what orcs are typically like, which messes up the rhythm of the story and feels preachy, just show it through the action or dialogue. I would also omit the instances of talking directly to the audience with lines like, "Now, I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine anything more evil than being eaten by an orc, but maybe that’s just me." This technique is really infantalizing to the reader and makes the whole story feel a bit childish.  {1943}  This story is so beautifully written that it is difficult to find much to suggest you edit. You have an incredibly strong voice, and you maintain the rhythm and flow of the story from start to finish. I adored the author interjections, they are frequent enough to entertain, but they are not too frequent as to become irritating. 

You paint a rich, complete picture of the orcs, in all their glorious stupidity, such as,  "Orcs didn't have relationships! They couldn't even stand themselves." Ourig's character was fully developed - as fully as is possible with an orc, that is! When you knew your plot was stretching, rather than get into unnecessary description or explanation, you used it as an opportunity to inject that wonderful author voice again "I bet you saw this coming, didn't you?" That was wonderful!

The only thing I would suggest is that you look at the final sentence. The first part, is very satisfying and strong,  "In this story, no one lived happily ever after." I think that sentence could stand on its own. I just felt that the second part could be expressed with something more of your unique voice, to end the story with a final bang. Awesome story, I could see this in a collection of Orc Stories for children!  {1825}  I found the flow of the story to be somewhat clunky at times. For example, "was quickly executed because how dare he..." The sentence shifts halfway through. And there's no need to call attention to the digression in paragraphs 2 and 3 by saying "but back to..." It disrupts the flow. You could start paragraph 4 simply with "But today..." Later, when the orcs are arguing about whether to tell the queen the truth or run away, I think the story should lay out this scene with dialogue and action rather than summarizing it. And consider cutting some of the asides about orcs throughout the story. I think they add a touch of humor, but by coming up too often they disrupt the flow of the action. For example, "Plus, their tusks stick out way more when they’re mad, and are almost as deadly as their breath!" and "No one ever said being Orc Queen was an easy job!" felt unnecessary to me.



This is quite interesting!  I would really like to know how you did with this? 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote pdevlin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2019 at 7:45pm
Round 1, Group 58

Fairy Tale/A rumor/A helicopter parent

http://bit.ly/2UIgptU

''Gossip Kills'' by Penny Devlin -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1926}  I like the juxtaposition of the conversational tone with traditional fairy tale subject matter. There is a clear sense of rising action, plot twist, and climactic action. The characters' names are great as well.  {1943}  This is a wonderful story with an incredibly strong storytelling voice. The story made me laugh aloud several times, especially at the author interjections such as, "Now, I don't know about you, but I can't imagine anything more evil than being eaten by an orc, but maybe that's just me." You balance your sentences beautifully, and your word choice is imaginative and precise, creating a wonderful richness as you tell your story.  {1825}  I really enjoyed the focus on orcs and the humorous light in which the story paints them. I also loved and was genuinely surprised by the twist of Ourig meeting a human this whole time. And the deadpan sad ending fit perfectly here.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1926}  The narration goes way overboard on explaining the nature of orc behavior. Instead of pausing after every other sentence to comment on what orcs are typically like, which messes up the rhythm of the story and feels preachy, just show it through the action or dialogue. I would also omit the instances of talking directly to the audience with lines like, "Now, I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine anything more evil than being eaten by an orc, but maybe that’s just me." This technique is really infantalizing to the reader and makes the whole story feel a bit childish.  {1943}  This story is so beautifully written that it is difficult to find much to suggest you edit. You have an incredibly strong voice, and you maintain the rhythm and flow of the story from start to finish. I adored the author interjections, they are frequent enough to entertain, but they are not too frequent as to become irritating. 

You paint a rich, complete picture of the orcs, in all their glorious stupidity, such as,  "Orcs didn't have relationships! They couldn't even stand themselves." Ourig's character was fully developed - as fully as is possible with an orc, that is! When you knew your plot was stretching, rather than get into unnecessary description or explanation, you used it as an opportunity to inject that wonderful author voice again "I bet you saw this coming, didn't you?" That was wonderful!

The only thing I would suggest is that you look at the final sentence. The first part, is very satisfying and strong,  "In this story, no one lived happily ever after." I think that sentence could stand on its own. I just felt that the second part could be expressed with something more of your unique voice, to end the story with a final bang. Awesome story, I could see this in a collection of Orc Stories for children!  {1825}  I found the flow of the story to be somewhat clunky at times. For example, "was quickly executed because how dare he..." The sentence shifts halfway through. And there's no need to call attention to the digression in paragraphs 2 and 3 by saying "but back to..." It disrupts the flow. You could start paragraph 4 simply with "But today..." Later, when the orcs are arguing about whether to tell the queen the truth or run away, I think the story should lay out this scene with dialogue and action rather than summarizing it. And consider cutting some of the asides about orcs throughout the story. I think they add a touch of humor, but by coming up too often they disrupt the flow of the action. For example, "Plus, their tusks stick out way more when they’re mad, and are almost as deadly as their breath!" and "No one ever said being Orc Queen was an easy job!" felt unnecessary to me.



Edited by pdevlin - 21 Apr 2019 at 7:49pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2019 at 12:05am
Originally posted by bookmama bookmama wrote:

Hi I'm new to the forum and this was my first competition. I was really delighted with my feedback for the first round which has given me much more confidence going into the second (though my family hated my first round attempt and preferred my second which doesn't bode well!) I can't tell whether Judge 1713 is just a really kind judge...

  

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1592}  Oh my gosh! What a story! This is truly suspenseful, and the ending comes both with beauty and horror.

The setting is full of potential. "I can’t tell whether they are slumped together from exhaustion or the illusion of romance" is a particularly good line.  {1921}  I really liked the tone of this story. It gave off a very calm and serene vibe, with an undercurrent of creepiness that gently grew and became more and more unsettling, then ended with a wallop of a final paragraph. I liked how much information you revealed about each character, the woman with the green scarf was known only by that and her voice, and the reader learned very little about the narrator at all. It helped put the reader in the mindset of the narrator, and kept the story tight and tidy. The short sentences you used also contributed to that, and the lack of cluttering details made for a growing suspense that didn't get distracted in any way.  {1713}  The story was very immersive and engaging. I found it to have all the characteristics one might want to find in a short story, and more specifically, it offers a wonderful beginning, middle, and end. Too few people have this control and confidence in writing. Too many stumble into being either too descriptive or too vague. This, my friend, lived in the perfect Goldilocks Zone of the right amounts of each. Fantastic work.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1592}  This story employs a lot of repetition, for the most part wisely. Still it might benefit from a bit of trimming. In addition, knowing slightly more about the narrator, what and perhaps where this hiking tour is, and why the narrator decided to join it might engage the reader further in the outcome.  {1921}  After reading the story a few times I found myself wanting to know more about the motive of the woman with the green scarf. I wonder if there is some way to add a nod to her decision to hypnotize these people into leaving the tour. The stakes seem unknown for her. I want to say that I really like the story as-is, and the suggestion to add a motive or a glimpse into the woman with the green scarf's head is just that, a suggestion. It just felt like the story left me wanting more in an uncomfortable way, not a cliff-hanger so much as a lack of detail.  {1713}  I found the story compelling, there is no doubt to that, however, I wondered if there might be a way to conjure up this nefarious creature that is compelling people to their doom a touch more. I realize this may be asking too much, but it seems to be the only element that could have had a little more foreshadowing within the tale. Merely a thought. Wonderful work.


That is a very nice set of reviews.  Congrats!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote bookmama Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Apr 2019 at 12:43pm
Hi I'm new to the forum and this was my first competition. I was really delighted with my feedback for the first round which has given me much more confidence going into the second (though my family hated my first round attempt and preferred my second which doesn't bode well!) I can't tell whether Judge 1713 is just a really kind judge...

  

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1592}  Oh my gosh! What a story! This is truly suspenseful, and the ending comes both with beauty and horror.

The setting is full of potential. "I can’t tell whether they are slumped together from exhaustion or the illusion of romance" is a particularly good line.  {1921}  I really liked the tone of this story. It gave off a very calm and serene vibe, with an undercurrent of creepiness that gently grew and became more and more unsettling, then ended with a wallop of a final paragraph. I liked how much information you revealed about each character, the woman with the green scarf was known only by that and her voice, and the reader learned very little about the narrator at all. It helped put the reader in the mindset of the narrator, and kept the story tight and tidy. The short sentences you used also contributed to that, and the lack of cluttering details made for a growing suspense that didn't get distracted in any way.  {1713}  The story was very immersive and engaging. I found it to have all the characteristics one might want to find in a short story, and more specifically, it offers a wonderful beginning, middle, and end. Too few people have this control and confidence in writing. Too many stumble into being either too descriptive or too vague. This, my friend, lived in the perfect Goldilocks Zone of the right amounts of each. Fantastic work.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1592}  This story employs a lot of repetition, for the most part wisely. Still it might benefit from a bit of trimming. In addition, knowing slightly more about the narrator, what and perhaps where this hiking tour is, and why the narrator decided to join it might engage the reader further in the outcome.  {1921}  After reading the story a few times I found myself wanting to know more about the motive of the woman with the green scarf. I wonder if there is some way to add a nod to her decision to hypnotize these people into leaving the tour. The stakes seem unknown for her. I want to say that I really like the story as-is, and the suggestion to add a motive or a glimpse into the woman with the green scarf's head is just that, a suggestion. It just felt like the story left me wanting more in an uncomfortable way, not a cliff-hanger so much as a lack of detail.  {1713}  I found the story compelling, there is no doubt to that, however, I wondered if there might be a way to conjure up this nefarious creature that is compelling people to their doom a touch more. I realize this may be asking too much, but it seems to be the only element that could have had a little more foreshadowing within the tale. Merely a thought. Wonderful work.

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