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R1 Grp15 Historical Fiction "The Origins of Anne"

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MsVickie View Drop Down
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    Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 2:22pm
Hi everyone!

This is my second time competing in the NYC Midnight Short Story Contest. This time I got historical fiction/pregnancy/intoxicated person. I wrote about real-life pirate (probably) Anne Bonny and her paramour John Rackham. I like my beginning but I think I rushed the ending too much and didn't make Anne a flawed-enough character. Any feedback is great. I'm going to go through other stories this weekend and do the same for as many of you as I can! I'm especially excited to read stories by people in the same heat as me.


Cheers,
Vickie
2019 SSCR2H2: The Whole Tooth
2019 SSCR1H15: The Origins of Anne Bonny
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Chloeefrost Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 3:54pm
Funnily enough I also chose to write about real life pirates (Ching Shih and the red flag fleet) although I had a different prompt to you (I am in group 19) so it was interesting to see how someone else had written a pirate story. 

I loved the dialogue, it made me feel as though I was amongst the pirates myself! Anne was also a very interesting character to read about and I loved how you ended with her saying “this won’t be the last you hear of Anne”. 

A very good story. I think you will do well with the judges 🙂


Edited by Chloeefrost - 31 Jan 2019 at 3:55pm
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MsVickie View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MsVickie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 5:49pm
Thank you so much, Chloeefrost! I really appreciate your feedback. I really hope that I make it to round two. :) 

And Omg! I LOVE that you wrote about Ching Shih. Female pirates for the win!!! When I was researching Anne Bonny for my story I also read about Ching Shih and was amazed at what a badass she was. I'm going to read your story ASAP and post feedback in your thread. Smile
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2019 SSCR1H15: The Origins of Anne Bonny
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote SapphireNinja Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 5:57pm
Not in your heat but I got hist fic too so I'm interested in the other stories in my genre. And I like yours. It felt long in the right way - like you did a lot with your 2500 words. 

I liked Anne's spirit and fire, and how she challenged the men to fight (and how one actually did fight her). I didn't find the ending rushed, I have to say. My one question is why did Jack just start drinking like that? Was he upset that she was pregnant? That the others knew she was a woman? 

Great work! I think the judges will think so too. :)
2019 SSC Round 1 A Story for the Ages (hist fic/a siege/an entertainer)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Agdabag1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 8:24pm
Excited to read another in my group. 

Great job! This was a fun read. Loved the story and her sassy and strong ways. I thought your descriptions were very vivid and dialogue flowed smoothly. 

One suggestion- I’d take out a bunch of the word “had“ throughout to tighten. For example, ...distended belly and watched the man who (delete here) put the bastard in there... because that line is great. 
...was Jack and I (delete here) thought he was my salvation...

...Life, I (delete had here) worked in Nassau in a cheap tavern called The Tipsy Pig

I could feel you being rushed at the end (ugh the word count) and the last paragraph was a little contrite to me. I think deleting the last line would help. 

You should keep working this and expanding - it feels like there’s a longer tale here! 

Favorite line: 
Had Jack fought like a man, he need not have been hanged like a dog.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MsVickie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 12:00am
Thanks so much, SapphireNinja! I appreciate the feedback on both what worked and what needs some clarifying. I definitely need to flesh Jack out a tad more on the page so that the drinking turn doesn't seem out of left field. Smile
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2019 SSCR1H15: The Origins of Anne Bonny
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MsVickie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 12:03am
Thank you so much, Agdabag1! Great feedback. Definitely a lot of what you describe is me writing this story very quickly, hahaha. When I revise I'll clean up the story with some of your suggestions. :)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BleuSky Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 3:42pm
Like the other reader, I did wonder why Anne admitting to the men she was a woman made Jack turn into such a drunk. And I wondered if the 'favor' the cousin owed him would be having her (and the babe) conveniently killed. Jack didn't come across as a particularly fatherly or loving type.
As I read I found myself wishing the men would mutiny behind her, ha. It's like reading Romeo and Juliet, you wish for a change in ending despite knowing where it's going.
A question I was left with was why was one other ship mate mentioned given a stay of execution? Was it Thomas? If so, mentioning his name might   tie in nicely, providing a bit of backstory/connection as you read on.  And it could work for some fun loyalty dynamics as you expand the story. She saved his life, maybe he would work somehow to save hers and the baby's. Future romance? :)
Overall, thanks for the fun read!


Edited by BleuSky - 01 Feb 2019 at 3:45pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Anansi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 5:17pm
Hi Vickie, 

This is hilarious. I got the same group and opted for EXACTLY the same subject matter. It landed on me in about 5 seconds of getting the prompt email. I thought it was because I've always liked this story, but now I'm interested to see if we were the only ones!

Also very interested to see your take on the story. 

Here's mine 


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Anansi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 6:39pm
Hi Vicky, 

Nice work. 

As someone that had been rehearsing this historical period a lot of late 😜 It's good to see so much accurate detail. Totally believable dialogue and situations. A ripping yarn. Great pace.

I guess my main question would be - where's Mary reade? Only because they are the Thelma and louise of pirates - always mentioned together - so I was constantly wondering when she would pop up! I thought one of the other crew that challenged Anne would be Mary (or maybe she was...) 

Some of the detail was great. Loved the exotic intoxicating powder, and tales of sea serpents. And the image of the currents under the ship / metaphors for drunkenness. 

Another general point would be (and I struggled with this one too) with a long and action packed narrative (from Defoe) it's sometimes good to choose your moment(s) and focus in on that'll the centre piece of the story, rather than give a general overview of Anne's whole piratical career. A bit hard with 2500 words! Having said that, you do pretty well at achieving just that it must be said. 

Finally I would suggest adding a bit more spacing/ thinking about presentation. For a short story I like seeing a bit more white space. Makes me focus on the text more but perhaps that's just me. 

Good luck, and again, shocked you opted for the same subject as me-  great minds eh 

😄🤚

☠️⚔️👸🏻






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