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Thriller Again??? Heat 11 Come Here

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richke View Drop Down
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    Posted: 13 Jan 2007 at 4:23am
    I got Thriller again...i guess i shouldnt complain since i placed top 3 in my heat in the screenwriter's comp - yewah i know i didnt win but i was hapopy to see i did that good....well anyone else in heat 11 come here to share ideas or mock thje competition :)
Heat #18 - The Darkness Within   
http://www.richardthomaskeel.com/media/18_TheDarknessWithin.pdf
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durden7 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote durden7 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jan 2007 at 8:00am
SCI-Fi / Fish Tank
Well,
At least I didn't get Fairy Tale/Global warming like the last comp.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Requiem Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jan 2007 at 9:58am
Originally posted by durden7 durden7 wrote:

SCI-Fi / Fish Tank
Well,
At least I didn't get Fairy Tale ... like the last comp.


doh!
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richke View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote richke Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jan 2007 at 3:42am
I'm would like to present to you a little paragraph from my story thaat i thought was decent and then post what my brother(younger by 10 years by the way and going for his English major) critqued  :) - i tried to get him in but he didnt do it
 
Mine

“Honey, I’m home!”  Kenneth shouts through the house as he returns home from work.  He tosses his keys on the solid oak dining room table as he heads into the kitchen to grab his post work ritual Scotch on the rocks.  After he has finished making his drink from the nearly full bottle, he walks by the table once more, but this time he notices a white, folded piece of paper with his name scribbled across it.  Pulling his chair underneath himself, he opens the letter.

 

His

'Honey! I'm home!' Ken's voice rings through his vacant house. His keys clang on the oak of the dining room table as he passes by on his way to the kitchen, anticipating his afterwork tradition of scotch on the rocks. As the alcohol dulls his weary mind, a piece of paper catches his eye. It was curious that he hadn't seen it before, the bleached shred of parchment perched directly next to his keys. He smoothed the paper and traced his name which was scribbled quickly on the outside. Ken gripped a chair with his right hand and pulled a seat to himself as he unfolded the letter."

 
I think i realized that my chances of doing thing really spectacular in this comp his very small...but i will try to rewrite.  He mentioned i write  in 3rd person-present out of habit from scriptwriting and it takes the reader out of the story....so im going to write in first person-present...wish me luck...two days  :)
Heat #18 - The Darkness Within   
http://www.richardthomaskeel.com/media/18_TheDarknessWithin.pdf
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ABEAR111 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ABEAR111 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jan 2007 at 4:56am
Originally posted by richke richke wrote:

I'm would like to present to you a little paragraph from my story thaat i thought was decent and then post what my brother(younger by 10 years by the way and going for his English major) critqued  :) - i tried to get him in but he didnt do it
 

Mine

<P =Msonormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 0.5in"><FONT face="Times New Roman" size=3>“Honey, I’m home!”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">  </SPAN>Kenneth shouts through the house as he returns home from work.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">  </SPAN>He tosses his keys on the solid oak dining room table as he heads into the kitchen to grab his post work ritual Scotch on the rocks.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">  </SPAN>After he has finished making his drink from the nearly full bottle, he walks by the table once more, but this time he notices a white, folded piece of paper with his name scribbled across it.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">  </SPAN>Pulling his chair underneath himself, he opens the letter.



 


His
<P =Msonormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-INDENT: 0.5in"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial','sans-serif'">'Honey! I'm home!' Ken's voice rings through his vacant house. His keys clang on the oak of the dining room table as he passes by on his way to the kitchen, anticipating his afterwork tradition of scotch on the rocks. As the alcohol dulls his weary mind, a piece of paper catches his eye. It was curious that he hadn't seen it before, the bleached shred of parchment perched directly next to his keys. He smoothed the paper and traced his name which was scribbled quickly on the outside. Ken gripped a chair with his right hand and pulled a seat to himself as he unfolded the letter."


 

I think i realized that my chances of doing thing really spectacular in this comp his very small...but i will try to rewrite.  He mentioned i write  in 3rd person-present out of habit from scriptwriting and it takes the reader out of the story....so im going to write in first person-present...wish me luck...two days  :)
</SPAN>

    
Exactly why I shyed away from this one, I've pretty much forgotten how to write like this (non-economically). Your brother's really good, only he switches from present tense to past tense by the middle of the paragraph.
    

Edited by ABEAR111 - 18 Jan 2007 at 4:57am
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AWolffe View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AWolffe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jan 2007 at 5:57am
Richke:
Just posted in another discussion that I enjoyed your story. Well done! Thanks for helping me burn up some time at work this morning...
"Don't analyze it...just dig it."
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richke View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote richke Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jan 2007 at 10:42am
hey man no problem...i glad to hear you liked it  :)
Heat #18 - The Darkness Within   
http://www.richardthomaskeel.com/media/18_TheDarknessWithin.pdf
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