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R2: G9 - "The Big Hairy Baby"

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LouComedy101 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 7:13pm
Romantic Comedy / Raking Leaves / Open - This was a fun exercise outside of my comfort zone.

The sound of leaves being collected usually calmed Phoebe but not today.

‘How could he be so OPENly irresponsible?’ she said to the rake with Tom’s guilty face on it, ‘you keep
letting the dog jump in it; I mean really!’

Then, right on cue, Toto leaps into the pile scattering the leaves, huge goofy grin, tongue flapping.
About to scold the big hairy baby she noticed the red ribbon tied around his collar, then the ring;
shocked, she turned to a smiling Tom on one knee.

“Still mad about the pile?”

Shaking her head, “it can stay there forever.”


Edited by LouComedy101 - 30 Jun 2020 at 7:14pm
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lmcollins View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lmcollins Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 7:39pm
Sweet! I love his guilty face one the rake! Romantic comedy is hard! Two genres in one! Great job!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beth Greenberg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 12:59pm
This is an adorable premise. I love her talking to the rake with Tom's guilty face on it, love the delivery of the ring and your use of "open."

A couple of grammatical issues cast a shadow on the story:
There's a slip into present tense with "Toto leaps..."
Suggest a closer look at usage of semi-colons and commas, especially around dialogue.

Still smiling at the title and where the story ended up. Thanks for sharing!
100-Word R2 G18 BUCCANEERS OF THE PLASTIC WRECK
100-Word R1 G16 LITTLE MIRACLES
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