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R2; G4; Genre: Suspense/Thriller; "The Note"

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torilutz View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote torilutz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: R2; G4; Genre: Suspense/Thriller; "The Note"
    Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 3:49pm

Jade slams the door and scrambles to her desk. She finds a crinkled receipt from this morning and flips it over, grabbing a pencil and begging her mind to clear. She doesn’t have time to be eloquent. Only precise.

She takes a sharp breath and wills the lead of the pencil to declare what she never will. 

Jasper. It was Rachel. I love you.

Blood smudges the edges of the receipt where she had held it steady. She folds it and slides it into her back pocket. Footsteps reach the door. Time’s up.

The doorknob turns. She closes her eyes.

Tori
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LadyGrey View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LadyGrey Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 6:49pm
Woah! This is agonizing to me for you have managed to capture my attention and captivate my desire to know more in this short time. So much is left unsaid, but suspense is done very well and I feel the terror that awaits right outside the door. This definitely has the potential to blossom into a longer story should you choose to pursue that route. Great job and best of luck!
100 Microfiction R:2 G:19
Love and Lemonade
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torilutz View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote torilutz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 8:22pm
Thank you so much!
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Lea G View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lea G Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 12:05am
Hi Fellow Groupie!

I agree with Lady Grey, you got me, particularly with the 'Blood smudges the edges...". 

I liked the way you weaved the writing with the pencil and declaring in. 

Good luck!


Lea G
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torilutz View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote torilutz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 12:24am
Thank you! Did you post your story?
Tori
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lea G Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 1:25am
I thought I did Tori. But it was my first time posting so who knows what I might have done wrong! Here it is:

Title: Prisoner!

“I declare,” the faint scratch of the pencil can’t compete with the bedridden old man’s labored breathing, “this is my last will and testament.” He stops, listening to Henry’s ponderous steps on the stairs.

“I leave everything to my neighbor, Martha Andrews. I revoke my former will in favour of my son Henry.”

He signs and dates then stuffs the paper into the take-a-way box, and throws it through the window. It teeters on the sill.                                                           

The old man looks anxiously at the opening door and back at the window. It’s gone!

“Christ,” he thinks, “please someone find it.”      


Lea G
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deank View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote deank Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Jul 2020 at 9:53pm
Hi Tori and Lea, you're actually in the wrong area.
The stories should be posted in the 100 word microfiction forum page. (This is Creative Corner).
In there you can add yours to the heat 4 master list. Just follow the instructions.
That's why you aren't receiving more feedback.
I hope this helps!
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Lea G View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lea G Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Jul 2020 at 10:19pm
Thanks deank! Hope I got it in the right area this time! The Microfiction 100word Challenge 2020 Review was open and I made it a New Post.
Cheers
Lea
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