NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > GENERAL DISCUSSION > Creative Writing Corner
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - R2 G2 The Royal Garden
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

R2 G2 The Royal Garden

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Message
hirundonova View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2019
Location: UK
Status: Offline
Points: 126
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hirundonova Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: R2 G2 The Royal Garden
    Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 10:48am
Hi everyone!

My prompts were Fairy Tale and/or Fantasy, Picking a berry and Torn.

Any feedback is gratefully received, and I will try to review back!

The royal garden

It began when the king discovered his  daughter’s affair with a witch.

“I’ve had enough,” he cried. “You must marry!”

His warlock transformed the royal garden into a thorny thicket with bloodthirsty swamps and shapeshifting monsters. 

“The one who can find the berry hidden in the garden may marry my daughter,” declared the king. 

The kingdom’s men tried and failed, escaping the thicket with their swords broken and pride torn.

But the princess’s witch transformed into a spitting cobra who sprayed venom at the monsters, slithered between the thorns above the swamps and picked the berry for her lover’s hand.


100 word fairy tale/fantasy! The Royal Garden. Feedback welcome & review back
Back to Top
Alyxbee View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Regular
NYC Midnight Regular
Avatar

Joined: 08 Oct 2019
Location: UsA
Status: Offline
Points: 421
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Alyxbee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 1:51pm
That crafty witch! 

You set the scene quite well, and I enjoyed the story! 

Nitpicks: 

The line "may marry my"  felt like a weird repetition of the m and a sounds to me. It might be on purpose? but I find those sorts of things really stand out to me. 

Good luck with the judges!
Back to Top
ElleOL View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie


Joined: 12 May 2020
Status: Offline
Points: 18
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ElleOL Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 1:59pm

This is great!

“…with their swords broken and pride torn.” I like the mix of concrete and abstract things breaking.

I also love the last sentence. It’s long, but it flows like the slithering snake and mirrors how swiftly and melodiously she defeated the garden for love.

Good luck!

Back to Top
S.a.lefeuvre View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 10 May 2020
Location: Montana
Status: Offline
Points: 100
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote S.a.lefeuvre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 9:38pm
A fun read! You definitely managed to pack a complete fairytale into such a short word count. Nicely done!
Micro100 R1: The Unmaking / R2: The Lost Hours
Back to Top
jhfloyd View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2015
Location: Alexandria, VA
Status: Offline
Points: 214
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jhfloyd Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 9:42pm
Very cute. It reads like it covers Fantasy and Fairy Tales all at once. 

You've used a lot of great imagery for the setting. Unfortunately, you leave a some questions unanswered. How is a swamp bloodthirsty? How exactly did the swords break? Where did the cobra come from? 

Be careful that references you make can be understood on how they serve the story. Referencing them is one thing, but using them as methods to move the story along is another. 

Best of luck.
Back to Top
Eggcorn View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 14 Aug 2010
Location: Baltimore
Status: Offline
Points: 1769
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Eggcorn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 10:42pm
Hey! Trying to help out-- This is not the contest forum, so anyone online can see this. You probably want to move your story to the Microchallenge forum so it is safe! 

Back to Top
rachelm View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Regular
NYC Midnight Regular
Avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2018
Location: Chicago, IL
Status: Offline
Points: 343
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rachelm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Jul 2020 at 9:38am
Love the fairy tale feeling here! My favorite phrase: "escaping the thicket with their swords broken and pride torn." Beautiful.

I did wonder why the king sets up such a difficult challenge to win the daughter's hand. It seemed out of keeping with his declaration that he's had enough and she must marry. Maybe now that you have more words you can introduce a line of explanation.
Back to Top
Beth Greenberg View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 29 Jul 2016
Location: MA
Status: Offline
Points: 1567
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beth Greenberg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Jul 2020 at 12:08pm
I love the storyline and the descriptive, fairy-tale language. Great story arc, with the witch both incentivizing the king to create the challenge and then winning the princess' hand.

One suggestion- I think your second line could work a bit harder for you. Instead of the general concept of marrying off his daughter, it might make for more tension if the king lets the reader know he's created a test only the worthiest suitor can conquer. Also fun if the witch gave a secret wink at the end (knowing they would win the right to marry thru this challenge.) And with another 1000 words... LOL

But truly a fun fairy tale with all the right stuff!
100-Word R2 G18 BUCCANEERS OF THE PLASTIC WRECK
100-Word R1 G16 LITTLE MIRACLES
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 12.03
Copyright ©2001-2019 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.109 seconds.