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R2; G13; Genre: Horror; Action:Typing; Word: Award

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BairdJohn View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BairdJohn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: R2; G13; Genre: Horror; Action:Typing; Word: Award
    Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 10:58am
Write Her Wrong

We all carry the evil we commit with us. Mine visits nightly. Her distended form, that toxic, brackish breath and her bitter, forceful kiss. The rotten, diseased tongue flapping in my mouth like a fish. Cold, blue hands on my body. I shiver as I type in my study amidst the warm security of my life’s work and awards. She’s still here, somewhere. Her rasping whisper. ‘Don’t you love me, Albert?’ My punishment. My saturated manuscript lies torn open like a dead seabird. I must see it through. I must finish the novel, it can’t be for nothing. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Eggcorn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 10:29pm
The imagery in this is very vivid and creepy to the max. I like how you're playing with work of writing being potentially being evil in some way, at least, whatever this person is writing. I think it could use a paragraph break between body/ I shiver, just to give us a chance to refocus where we are in time/space. I get that the embrace being described IS the writer in writing, but I'd understand that more quickly/easily with the quick break to process my thoughts since the narrator goes from a deep kiss/embrace to seemingly secure in the study with her "still here, somewhere." It makes me feel like I missed a transition. Even though I didn't. 

Besides that, great creep factor here. Those images are going to stick with me awhile. (Bleck! to the cold fish in the mouth! In a good way I guess lol) 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Eggcorn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 10:31pm
OH no! I think you posted to the main forum instead of the Micro Forum! 

Better move this there or anyone can read it!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BairdJohn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 2:04am
Thanks for the feedback! 
Yeah I totally hear you, bit of consternation before submitting trying to decide if I should have split it and break the paragraphs a bit more but I finally decided on simply keeping one passage, tried to suggest the writers’ frantic memoir being forcibly ripped out of his hands by his maddening visions / hauntings! 
Thanks for the constructive feedback, hope you experience some fortune with the competition! 
Yeah I saw I posted this on the main forum, whoops! 
Thanks 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beth Greenberg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 9:51am
I love the shape of this story. You hook us with a great line, explore in a truly horrifying and vivid scene that brings us right to the heart of the writer's terror, and leave us with a satisfying ending. Thanks for sharing.
100-Word R2 G18 BUCCANEERS OF THE PLASTIC WRECK
100-Word R1 G16 LITTLE MIRACLES
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BairdJohn View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BairdJohn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 11:23am
Thanks so much for feedback, Beth! 
100 words is such a tight margin but I’m glad it’s appealed to you. 
All the best in the competition. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kitgower Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 11:32am
tongue flapping in my mouth like a fish

torn open like a dead seabird

Oh, the imagery! So good - that tongue line is horror perfection.

I was so caught up in the story that I had to go back and check on the action and word requirements - they mixed in so well here. Great job!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BairdJohn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2020 at 1:58pm
Thanks Kitgower! 

Really glad you like it. Was hoping to get horror and my wish was granted so I got lucky with a preferred genre. 

All the best in the competition! 

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