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R1 H45 (Thriller) Saturday Morning Pancakes

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alwea View Drop Down

Joined: 07 Feb 2019
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote alwea Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: R1 H45 (Thriller) Saturday Morning Pancakes
    Posted: 08 Feb 2019 at 12:29am
Hi! This is my first time writing fiction, and I would love your feedback. I was assigned Thriller/Trapped/Only child. Thanks!

"Riley Marshall knows going to college means the family dynamic will change, especially since
her father is a professor. She doesn’t expect the Saturday pancake tradition to be the biggest

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fioOxf View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fioOxf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Feb 2019 at 4:27am

Looks like you posted this in the public bit of the forums, not the protected bit where the rest of the stories are. Best to deactivate your link, edit the post to say 'see master list' (or similar), then go into the Short Story 2019 forum, create a forum in there and (sorry this seems to long) then give Suave the link to your forum in the Masterlist 1-50 thread.

Did that make sense? I hope so!
SSC-2019 G82 By Brighton Beach (Ghost story)
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BleuSky View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BleuSky Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Feb 2019 at 2:36pm
I felt like you really got the thriller aspect, which can be tough to pull off. The tension was high throughout the story and ratcheted up with each new twist. I was impressed with how much ground you were able to cover in such a short amount of words.
A few thoughts:
As a reader I felt like you left me at a cliffhanger. I definitely want to know more (so many questions! Who took her mom? The Associates? Is that a business or just a really cranky group of professors? What did her dad do about the funeral? What did her dad do to her mom? If Riley's dad is a famous 'cool' professor how does Claire not know that he's a widower.? I would think that would be part of his mystique. Sexy widower. Why did Riley go from half-drunk college girl concerned about a meathead college guy hitting on her and heading to the bathroom (aka girl escape zone, ha) to running away from deranged stalker by heading to her dad's office? It seemed like she went from haha to aaaaah really fast.), but with my first read I didn't feel like I ever reached a conclusion to all the action or any kind of resolution...just more questions.
Loved the tone, loved the concepts and ideas, just wanted more resolution.
Thanks so much for sharing and the fun ride!

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