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R1 G32 Looking for Perfect

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north_north_west View Drop Down
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    Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 8:10pm
Group 32 Science Fiction/getting plastic surgery/"please"

Thank you for reading!  I will return all reviews.  I am always eager to improve so any constructive feedback is welcome - no need to be nice!

(Oops-  this was accidently posted in the public area.  I move the content to the right 250 Microfiction area and linked to it below. Apologies for the inconvenience.)




Edited by north_north_west - 27 Dec 2020 at 6:51pm
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MFC R1 2020 Looking for Perfect
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote RustyFox Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 8:48pm
Hey north_north_west, It looks like you posted this in the wrong area, but I really enjoyed the story. Somehow you got enough background in while still staying focused on the immediate present, and I thought that was pretty amazing with only 250 words! I also liked you MC and how they are really such a douche bag (no offense, he's a great character!) because it lends so well to the story and the point you were trying to make. Also, I loved the parallel between how the MC is attracted to the girl because of her natural hair, but doesn't understand why she would be with someone who was all natural. Well done!

Really my only critique was when the red-haired girl told the MC that her partner wore glasses. It was kind of a weird moment for me because A) He's looking at an image of the guy and B) I don't see why the girl would offer up this information without being asked.

Good luck with the judges!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bridget Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 9:46pm
I really enjoyed the language and humour in this piece! 'We check the catalog, settle on Arnold-1975' LOL
The MC's turns of phrases makes it very colourful and I love the mash up of genres blending effortlessly. I'd agree with the previous reviewer about how the partner wearing glasses is delivered but other than that I thought the story flowed really well.


Edited by Bridget - 24 Nov 2020 at 9:47pm
MF250 R1 G74 Evelyn
FF2020 R3 G13 Finster...


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nimhathuna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 10:29pm
Hi,

I liked the teenage angst bubbling under the surface when I first read this earlier. Still do. Despite the fact that it's futuristic, it remains topical. That's what resonates with a reader.

The Schwarzenegger moment was priceless. It made me think of Hercules. The final sentence is my favourite. It highlights the staying power of the original versus the ideal/ enhanced subject.

Great stuff. Best of luck!


Edited by Nimhathuna - 24 Nov 2020 at 10:29pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mudarcie1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 10:40pm
Hey NNW ... loved this on Saturday and love it still.  If you called it the Arnold1975 then it went right over my head so that was a laugh out loud moment when I just read it.  Again, I love the voice of your character, you stick with it the whole time and it works so well in the story.  Congrats.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DHa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 10:45pm
Wow, you really made me despise the protagonist...which is a good thing, since you were able to flesh out the character's colorful personality in 250 words.

Contrary to the previous commenters, the glasses comment actually made sense to me. I had to read it twice but then I realized it was a reference to the "unusual things over his face."

The second sentence confused me - maybe requires more context or could be nixed all together to focus on the story with "kitten."

Read my 1st Round story titled The Lips of a Lover
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LeilaLay Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 4:04am
Hello!

What an incredible and distinct voice you've given the MC - really unique and sets the tone straight away.  There was so much effortless wit weaved into the piece.  I loved the reference to the 'shady accounting firm that used humans', very relatable ;)

It is so clever how this is a take on modern society in a futuristic setting - great message for such a short piece.  I feel like this could almost be pol sat/sat too.  I think this will stand out for all the right reasons!

I hope this does really well for you :)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jenneipel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 7:13am
Great story - amazing character development in such few words. very consistent voice and not a word wasted. Great work!
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Read my R1 G32: Assimilation https://bit.ly/3mNGHJo
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote daniellemari Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 11:49am
I wish I had something constructive to add, but I'll just fangirl gush instead. I love this story. I'm in awe of your tactic of inventing jargon. You manage to provide all sorts of exposition, develop a fully fleshed out (hahaha... pun) character, and you make a real social commentary.

I'm hoping the Me that leaves in my story is friends with Kitten. Maybe the You/J/John/Jordan hangs out with your protag and they live superficially ever after.

So glad your kind words brought me to your story. Good luck in the contest!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maelstrom42 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 1:29pm
Love this story! You do a masterful job of character development. I've always been a fan of MCs you love to hate. Not much feedback to really give you, here. Well done, heatmate :)
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