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R1 G32 Looking for Perfect

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Frefallr View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Frefallr Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 4:19pm
Hey,
Great voice, really strong and I loved the terminology the slang like bang for example and all of the kits available. I liked that the real ginger liked the guy with glasses, though I did not first think that was what was meant but stuff on his face, I assumed tattoos. I thought this was a really read. It is amazing what one can do with 250 words, no? Good job! I always like your stuff!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote JoService Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 4:22pm
Really good job of getting into the mentality of someone living such a different existence. It’s a good job of quickly exposing your universe to the reader. It can take a second to adapt to new language but we only really have a second. It does flow towards the finale smoothly too.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote NMiller Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 8:55pm
I enjoyed your take and your new jargon. I had no problem with her saying he wore glasses because I could imagine the look on his face that prompted that reply. Great work, his shallow attitude came out as a clear distinct voice throughout.
Good luck with the judges! 
R1 GR 183
Family Jewels
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote RFHawkes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 10:01pm
You do a great job of building the world and the character in parallel, the use of the MC as narrator really helps with this. 
I've read a lot of (probably far too much actually) of varying levels of scifi in my time and have often found the creation of "future speak" jarring. However, here you have succeeded in doing it well and it aids the idea that this is a different time. 

I did struggle with the chronology of the piece though. When are all of these events happening? How much time has passed between Ping's - the gym - Ping's - the gym. 

On a slightly nit-picky note, will using the "please" prompt in "pleased" meet the brief? 

Overall, a nice little window into a designer future. 
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Read my 1st Round story titled Ember
All feedback graciously welcomed
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote e43 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 11:02pm
Let's see... where to start with the things this does well? I'm a huge fan of the casual use of jargon. It establishes setting very quickly, which you want to do in 250 words. The use of "bang" instead of what I assume is its expletive alternative really lends a lot of color to the narrator's voice too. 

I find myself sympathizing with this protagonist, probably more than I should. It's easy to find yourself in a series of circumstances where people tell you you can't do something, especially since you've written a society here which is clearly highly discriminatory, and that sort of thing can really give you a complex. That doesn't excuse the fact that he obviously still has his faults -- a rather glaring, somewhat misogynistic one, at that, but I like to think of it as a commentary on the sort of attitudes such a terrible future society would produce. 

I don't really have much to critique, (un?)fortunately. You even got me speculating on what this society looks like way beyond the text. That's always a sign of fantastic work. Good luck!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote timmytimtimothy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Nov 2020 at 5:05am
Super strong character voice. On the whole this is the shining light of this piece, though there were a few instance I found it tripped me up as a reader."Back to Ping's, tell him I want some muscle...", for example. Once I got it, I got it though, and it really gives a sense of character. And on that note, I went from sympathising with the MC at the start to thinking he wasn't great after all. A genetic inferiority complex! Well done on creating such a tangible situation and character. Good luck!! 😊 
MF Round 2: Happy Snaps & Trip-Traps
MF Round 1: Portals in the Pavement
FF Final: As in Popular Culture
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Levi Argyle Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Nov 2020 at 1:26am
Hi there group mate! You nailed it. The MC was such an adorable douche and the slang was very creative and believable.  I love how the MC is both proud of not being "gengineered" but also can't understand how his crush (who he also values for her natural attributes) would want someone natural. I wish I could give you something more constructive, but I just think you rocked it. Well done.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Scrib Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Nov 2020 at 5:36pm
Argh! You throw down the gauntlet and say 'no need to be nice' in your request for critique, so the laser eyes are on and all I can see is a fully realised, scrappy anti-hero that is true to life AND an all too believeable whole sci-fi world with its own slang, as well as adept humour and a killer double entendre ending. This is excellent, very enjoyable.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ShadAttack Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Nov 2020 at 11:41pm
I like the title of the piece. The red head is looking for perfect and finds it in the imperfect. The MC is looking for perfect but only what’s on the outside. He misses the importance of what it means to have inner beauty. Being an underdog his whole life, he’s had to fight hard to get to where he has but it has jaded him in the process. Well written piece!
Read my 1st Round story titled Caked
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ADGregurich Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Nov 2020 at 8:07am
This was so fun to read. The main character is blindly hypocritical and you subtly hint at that so well. I agree with some others. The second sentence/his job might have been used better to develop the story between him and kitten. But it’s so good!!
Here’s my story!
https://tinyurl.com/GregurichR1Group32
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