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R1 G32 Looking for Perfect

Printed From: NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting
Category: GENERAL DISCUSSION
Forum Name: Creative Writing Corner
Forum Description: Discuss NYC Midnight Creative Writing Competitions or Creative Writing in general.
URL: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=37239
Printed Date: 07 Mar 2021 at 6:03am
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Topic: R1 G32 Looking for Perfect
Posted By: north_north_west
Subject: R1 G32 Looking for Perfect
Date Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 8:10pm
Group 32 Science Fiction/getting plastic surgery/"please"

Thank you for reading!  I will return all reviews.  I am always eager to improve so any constructive feedback is welcome - no need to be nice!

(Oops-  this was accidently posted in the public area.  I move the content to the right 250 Microfiction area and linked to it below. Apologies for the inconvenience.)

http://forums.nycmidnight.com/gr-32-rd-1_topic37846.html" rel="nofollow - https://forums.nycmidnight.com/gr-32-rd-1_topic37846.html




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north_north_west
SSC R1 2021 http://bit.ly/3rbWhjZ" rel="nofollow - I Hate Tom Brady
MFC R3 2021 http://bit.ly/2NpIYhL" rel="nofollow - The Snake Handler's Daughter




Replies:
Posted By: RustyFox
Date Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 8:48pm
Hey north_north_west, It looks like you posted this in the wrong area, but I really enjoyed the story. Somehow you got enough background in while still staying focused on the immediate present, and I thought that was pretty amazing with only 250 words! I also liked you MC and how they are really such a douche bag (no offense, he's a great character!) because it lends so well to the story and the point you were trying to make. Also, I loved the parallel between how the MC is attracted to the girl because of her natural hair, but doesn't understand why she would be with someone who was all natural. Well done!

Really my only critique was when the red-haired girl told the MC that her partner wore glasses. It was kind of a weird moment for me because A) He's looking at an image of the guy and B) I don't see why the girl would offer up this information without being asked.

Good luck with the judges!


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/r1-gr-179-political-satire-meticulous-hypnotist_topic38598_post407432.html?KW=quacks%2C+charlatans#407432" rel="nofollow - SSC R1 "Quacks,Charlatans,and Other Synonyms"


Posted By: Bridget
Date Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 9:46pm
I really enjoyed the language and humour in this piece! 'We check the catalog, settle on Arnold-1975' LOL
The MC's turns of phrases makes it very colourful and I love the mash up of genres blending effortlessly. I'd agree with the previous reviewer about how the partner wearing glasses is delivered but other than that I thought the story flowed really well.


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SS2021 R1 G99 https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic38474_post406901.html#406901" rel="nofollow - If This Sounds Like You


Posted By: Nimhathuna
Date Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 10:29pm
Hi,

I liked the teenage angst bubbling under the surface when I first read this earlier. Still do. Despite the fact that it's futuristic, it remains topical. That's what resonates with a reader.

The Schwarzenegger moment was priceless. It made me think of Hercules. The final sentence is my favourite. It highlights the staying power of the original versus the ideal/ enhanced subject.

Great stuff. Best of luck!


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/gr-116-25-scifi_topic38459.html" rel="nofollow - Short Story: 25


Posted By: mudarcie1
Date Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 10:40pm
Hey NNW ... loved this on Saturday and love it still.  If you called it the Arnold1975 then it went right over my head so that was a laugh out loud moment when I just read it.  Again, I love the voice of your character, you stick with it the whole time and it works so well in the story.  Congrats.

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SSR1 https://forums.nycmidnight.com/piper-and-the-trolls-curse_topic38312.html" rel="nofollow - Piper and the Troll's Curse


Posted By: DHa
Date Posted: 24 Nov 2020 at 10:45pm
Wow, you really made me despise the protagonist...which is a good thing, since you were able to flesh out the character's colorful personality in 250 words.

Contrary to the previous commenters, the glasses comment actually made sense to me. I had to read it twice but then I realized it was a reference to the "unusual things over his face."

The second sentence confused me - maybe requires more context or could be nixed all together to focus on the story with "kitten."



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Read my 1st Round story titled https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic37197_post390958.html#390958" rel="nofollow - The Lips of a Lover


Posted By: LeilaLay
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 4:04am
Hello!

What an incredible and distinct voice you've given the MC - really unique and sets the tone straight away.  There was so much effortless wit weaved into the piece.  I loved the reference to the 'shady accounting firm that used humans', very relatable ;)

It is so clever how this is a take on modern society in a futuristic setting - great message for such a short piece.  I feel like this could almost be pol sat/sat too.  I think this will stand out for all the right reasons!

I hope this does really well for you :)


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SS 2021: http://bit.ly/3pVtSyx" rel="nofollow - R1, G122, The Nightmare Journal


Posted By: Jenneipel
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 7:13am
Great story - amazing character development in such few words. very consistent voice and not a word wasted. Great work!

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Clearly, I do not belong here.
Read my R1 G32: Assimilation https://bit.ly/3mNGHJo" rel="nofollow - https://bit.ly/3mNGHJo


Posted By: daniellemari
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 11:49am
I wish I had something constructive to add, but I'll just fangirl gush instead. I love this story. I'm in awe of your tactic of inventing jargon. You manage to provide all sorts of exposition, develop a fully fleshed out (hahaha... pun) character, and you make a real social commentary.

I'm hoping the Me that leaves in my story is friends with Kitten. Maybe the You/J/John/Jordan hangs out with your protag and they live superficially ever after.

So glad your kind words brought me to your story. Good luck in the contest!


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R1 https://forums.nycmidnight.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=37289" rel="nofollow - Me
R2 https://forums.nycmidnight.com/r2-g22-trial-by-fire-fantasy-fairy-tale_topic38948.html" rel="nofollow - Trial by Fire


Posted By: maelstrom42
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 1:29pm
Love this story! You do a masterful job of character development. I've always been a fan of MCs you love to hate. Not much feedback to really give you, here. Well done, heatmate :)


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic37371_post392061.html#392061" rel="nofollow - Occupied - R1G32Micro250


Posted By: Frefallr
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 4:19pm
Hey,
Great voice, really strong and I loved the terminology the slang like bang for example and all of the kits available. I liked that the real ginger liked the guy with glasses, though I did not first think that was what was meant but stuff on his face, I assumed tattoos. I thought this was a really read. It is amazing what one can do with 250 words, no? Good job! I always like your stuff!


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https://tinyurl.com/15xnswbd" rel="nofollow - SS-Frolic Room
https://bit.ly/3qxcdwQ" rel="nofollow - 250 You're It
R4Aperture


Posted By: JoService
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 4:22pm
Really good job of getting into the mentality of someone living such a different existence. It’s a good job of quickly exposing your universe to the reader. It can take a second to adapt to new language but we only really have a second. It does flow towards the finale smoothly too.

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https://rb.gy/z8pksv" rel="nofollow - MF Rd2 Duck L'Orange Security (Comedy)
https://rb.gy/ndhgrp" rel="nofollow - SS Gr 141 The World Ends with a Whistle (Thriller)


Posted By: NMiller
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 8:55pm
I enjoyed your take and your new jargon. I had no problem with her saying he wore glasses because I could imagine the look on his face that prompted that reply. Great work, his shallow attitude came out as a clear distinct voice throughout.
Good luck with the judges! 


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R1 GR 183
https://forums.nycmidnight.com/r1-g183-family-jewels-thriller_topic38612.html" rel="nofollow - Family Jewels


Posted By: RFHawkes
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 10:01pm
You do a great job of building the world and the character in parallel, the use of the MC as narrator really helps with this. 
I've read a lot of (probably far too much actually) of varying levels of scifi in my time and have often found the creation of "future speak" jarring. However, here you have succeeded in doing it well and it aids the idea that this is a different time. 

I did struggle with the chronology of the piece though. When are all of these events happening? How much time has passed between Ping's - the gym - Ping's - the gym. 

On a slightly nit-picky note, will using the "please" prompt in "pleased" meet the brief? 

Overall, a nice little window into a designer future. 


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Total newbie
Read my 1st Round story titled https://bit.ly/372UQvI" rel="nofollow - Ember
All feedback graciously welcomed


Posted By: e43
Date Posted: 25 Nov 2020 at 11:02pm
Let's see... where to start with the things this does well? I'm a huge fan of the casual use of jargon. It establishes setting very quickly, which you want to do in 250 words. The use of "bang" instead of what I assume is its expletive alternative really lends a lot of color to the narrator's voice too. 

I find myself sympathizing with this protagonist, probably more than I should. It's easy to find yourself in a series of circumstances where people tell you you can't do something, especially since you've written a society here which is clearly highly discriminatory, and that sort of thing can really give you a complex. That doesn't excuse the fact that he obviously still has his faults -- a rather glaring, somewhat misogynistic one, at that, but I like to think of it as a commentary on the sort of attitudes such a terrible future society would produce. 

I don't really have much to critique, (un?)fortunately. You even got me speculating on what this society looks like way beyond the text. That's always a sign of fantastic work. Good luck!


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/r2-g22-common-misconceptions-about-nature-spirits_topic38058.html" rel="nofollow - MFC250 R2: Common Misconceptions About Nature Spirits


Posted By: timmytimtimothy
Date Posted: 26 Nov 2020 at 5:05am
Super strong character voice. On the whole this is the shining light of this piece, though there were a few instance I found it tripped me up as a reader."Back to Ping's, tell him I want some muscle...", for example. Once I got it, I got it though, and it really gives a sense of character. And on that note, I went from sympathising with the MC at the start to thinking he wasn't great after all. A genetic inferiority complex! Well done on creating such a tangible situation and character. Good luck!! 😊 

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MF Round 2: https://bit.ly/3iqoKzn" rel="nofollow - Happy Snaps & Trip-Traps
MF Round 1: https://bit.ly/3fw4yKL" rel="nofollow - Portals in the Pavement
FF Final: As in Popular Culture


Posted By: Levi Argyle
Date Posted: 27 Nov 2020 at 1:26am
Hi there group mate! You nailed it. The MC was such an adorable douche and the slang was very creative and believable.  I love how the MC is both proud of not being "gengineered" but also can't understand how his crush (who he also values for her natural attributes) would want someone natural. I wish I could give you something more constructive, but I just think you rocked it. Well done.


Posted By: Scrib
Date Posted: 27 Nov 2020 at 5:36pm
Argh! You throw down the gauntlet and say 'no need to be nice' in your request for critique, so the laser eyes are on and all I can see is a fully realised, scrappy anti-hero that is true to life AND an all too believeable whole sci-fi world with its own slang, as well as adept humour and a killer double entendre ending. This is excellent, very enjoyable.

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https://tinyurl.com/1hitwon" rel="nofollow - SSC One Hit Wonder
https://tinyurl.com/Food4s" rel="nofollow - MF250 R2 Food for the Soul


Posted By: ShadAttack
Date Posted: 27 Nov 2020 at 11:41pm
I like the title of the piece. The red head is looking for perfect and finds it in the imperfect. The MC is looking for perfect but only what’s on the outside. He misses the importance of what it means to have inner beauty. Being an underdog his whole life, he’s had to fight hard to get to where he has but it has jaded him in the process. Well written piece!

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Read my 1st Round story titled https://tinyurl.com/y4loat3t" rel="nofollow - Caked


Posted By: ADGregurich
Date Posted: 28 Nov 2020 at 8:07am
This was so fun to read. The main character is blindly hypocritical and you subtly hint at that so well. I agree with some others. The second sentence/his job might have been used better to develop the story between him and kitten. But it’s so good!!

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Here’s my story!
https://tinyurl.com/GregurichR1Group32


Posted By: The Steggles Collect
Date Posted: 29 Nov 2020 at 7:06am
Hi there, thank you so much for reviewing my story, here to return the favour.

This is fantastic. I love the way you use slang and terminology to do the world- building without resorting to exposition (which is a great waste in micro fiction in any case).

Nothing to complain about here, I think it should do well.


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https://bit.ly/364yB9l" rel="nofollow - MF250R1G78
https://bit.ly/2M2x2Bt" rel="nofollow - MF250R2G1
https://bit.ly/3rdWF1l" rel="nofollow - SSR1G115


Posted By: CristiLynn
Date Posted: 29 Nov 2020 at 7:07pm
Really enjoyed getting to revisit this story again! I'm still so amazed by how you were able to create an entire world in under 250 words. You even created your own slang so effortlessly, that you didn't need to stop and explain what every word meant.

Good luck with judging! :)


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SWC CH2, GR 44 - https://tinyurl.com/y3ysyz4y" rel="nofollow - Unmasked
SWC CH3, GR 8 - https://tinyurl.com/yxg4gm55" rel="nofollow - What the Cluck?!


Posted By: darcydantes
Date Posted: 04 Dec 2020 at 10:59am
The character’s overwhelming, arrogant personality was a riot, and the ending where he’s unaware and clueless about himself was perfect! The pace of the story, and how you casually threw in futuristic words is impressive. Thank you for sharing this story 😊

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MF250 R1: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/r1-g57_topic37651.html" rel="nofollow - Clay things

This is my entry for the comp. Any feedback is welcome! Thank you!


Posted By: AngusMcHeard
Date Posted: 06 Dec 2020 at 10:00am
I enjoyed this piece, you get thrown right in to the world effortlessly and the language used brings an element of humour that is refreshing in a sci fi piece. Thanks for sharing, good luck. 


Posted By: Suave
Date Posted: 08 Dec 2020 at 11:02pm
Hi! Finally returning reads.
Haha, this is good, hate to think what brought this up, lol, just kidding.
Moved well, missed nothing that I can see.
Good luck!


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https://bit.ly/3pIQNg7" rel="nofollow - R1 Short Story Sci-Fi
https://bit.ly/3nZUf4v" rel="nofollow - Micro 2 Running Before the Wind


Posted By: K_Beckham
Date Posted: 12 Dec 2020 at 1:39pm
I disagree with the confusion surrounding her explaining herself with the glasses comment. She felt the connection between them and admitted she'd chosen another because he wore his faults externally -- glasses being a flaw but also, an endearing feature. 

I think that in a very general way, women (or those that identify with a feminine, maternal and therefore, responsible for others energy) are used to explaining themselves to those that want to possess them so you've built in a beautifully scaffolded narrative that speaks to varying levels of experience with relationship. 

In a lot of ways, the narrative swirls around her compromise of her own experience in an effort to negotiate the experiences of those that approach her -- sacrificing acceptance of her best decisions in their efforts to find perfect. Probably just projecting about projection now, but I dig it. Great job! 

Keep writing! :)


Posted By: nod1v1ng
Date Posted: 15 Dec 2020 at 5:25pm
Howdy -

Thanks for swinging by my story. Here to return the favor.

Man, that MC is cringeworthy. Nice job establishing that both clearly and quickly. You also did a nice job worldbuilding in a small space without getting carried away and interfering with the story.

A couple of nitpicks. When you are writing micro it's critical that everything furthers the story. I wasn't sure why the fact that the accounting firm was shady was important.

This is probably a personal preference, but to me the tense switch didn't work. I kind of feel like present tense sort launches this in to YA realm (where it seems to be popular) even though your characters don't seem to be YA.

Overall, well executed and a creative take on the prompts. Best of luck with the judges! 


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https://bit.ly/3qOyjvd" rel="nofollow - Micro C3
https://bit.ly/3jf4EZ9" rel="nofollow - SS C1


Posted By: Frefallr
Date Posted: 14 Jan 2021 at 12:54am
Nice result! Congrats.. Looking forward to reading your next one!

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https://tinyurl.com/15xnswbd" rel="nofollow - SS-Frolic Room
https://bit.ly/3qxcdwQ" rel="nofollow - 250 You're It
R4Aperture


Posted By: Nimhathuna
Date Posted: 14 Jan 2021 at 6:02pm
Hi,

Again, congratulations on advancing. Best of luck!Clap


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/gr-116-25-scifi_topic38459.html" rel="nofollow - Short Story: 25



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