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Group 39 - Ghost Story / Counting money / relax

Printed From: NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting
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Forum Name: Creative Writing Corner
Forum Description: Discuss NYC Midnight Creative Writing Competitions or Creative Writing in general.
URL: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=33843
Printed Date: 24 Oct 2020 at 4:03pm
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Topic: Group 39 - Ghost Story / Counting money / relax
Posted By: phantasm3
Subject: Group 39 - Ghost Story / Counting money / relax
Date Posted: 14 May 2020 at 1:44pm
  "Surface"


"Relax”, the man said, thumbing through the bills. "I've been doin' this a while, and I ain't seen nobody hurt yet." That did little for Daniel's dread; however, he entered the cavern. These past couple of years have been rough. This was his last-ditch effort at achieving closure.

 

 "Hello? Son?"

 

 Ridiculous, he thought. He gave it one last try.

 

 "I miss you… I hope you know that!"

 

Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes down the vast labyrinth. He realizes there's nothing else. This is the end. As he turns away, ashamed, cold fingers weave his own.

 

 “Daddy?” 




Replies:
Posted By: Paul Bee
Date Posted: 15 May 2020 at 8:18am
Nice job
Edit your tense changes, you switch from past to present
Also I would make "these past couple years had been rough" a little more specific. It wasn't totally clear to me who was talking in the next line.

Good luck



Posted By: eswan27
Date Posted: 15 May 2020 at 5:03pm
Ooh...

Thinking about Paul Bee's feedback as well, I think you could have developed the desired context more effectively through the snippet of opening dialogue. Maybe the line could be about making contact, or about how people usually only encounter what they're looking for, etc.

Dread also felt like maybe not the right emotion for this grieving father. If he's willing to take this step to make contact again, maybe it's something else.

I love this concept though, and that final image really smacks of your assigned genre.

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https://rb.gy/g2fgpu" rel="nofollow - CH3 Mercy
https://rb.gy/xo3o5z" rel="nofollow - CH2 When Never We Meet
https://rb.gy/hv7tyt" rel="nofollow - CH1 Amen


Posted By: fioOxf
Date Posted: 16 May 2020 at 1:01pm
@phantasm3  If you post your story in the Micro forum here  https://forums.nycmidnight.com/the-100word-microfiction-challenge-2020-review_forum71.html" rel="nofollow - https://forums.nycmidnight.com/the-100word-microfiction-challenge-2020-review_forum71.html    (click New topic...same as you did for this one) and then go into the Masterlist post for groups 1-39 and give myrhapsody your forum link, you'll get more views and feedback. 

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https://tinyurl.com/y3lxu9qn" rel="nofollow - FF Ch2G31 One Hell of a Year
https://tinyurl.com/ydcuzvp7" rel="nofollow - SSP Ch1G17 The Best Ever Election Soundbite


Posted By: GKFralin
Date Posted: 16 May 2020 at 9:57pm
I found this an endearing and sad piece of work. There's a problem with your use of present and past tense. It's not an uncommon error among writers. Maybe a little more edit next time or having another look at it. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the context of the story. 

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https://bit.ly/2y9W0It" rel="nofollow - The Sink of Invisible Ink


Posted By: Prairieboy
Date Posted: 19 May 2020 at 12:28pm
Good idea and execution. I had trouble with "Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes down the vast labyrinth." Wouldn't his words, not his voice, echo? I think something like "His now-hoarse throat chokes his words as they echo down the vast labyrinth." would be more clear.
The final image is very powerful.


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Read my 1st Round story titled https://forums.nycmidnight.com/r1-g11-st-brigids-magic-stones_topic33711.html" rel="nofollow - St. Brigid's magic stones


Posted By: ROS
Date Posted: 21 May 2020 at 2:03pm
Hey there phantasm3. Nice job with your story. I like the concept of a grieving father doing whatever he must to connect with his dead son. I could feel his sorrow even after so much time had passed. When the cold fingers locked with his that gave me a chill. 

I would suggest though that you start the sentence..."That did little..." in a new paragraph so there's a clearer distinction between the man who was hired and the grieving father. Also, watch out for tense changes if there's no need for them like with a flashback for example.

Thanks for sharing your work. Best of luck with the judges.



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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic33381_post343881.html#343881" rel="nofollow - MiR1:A Chilling Symphony


Posted By: phantasm3
Date Posted: 25 May 2020 at 9:45am
Thank you for the kind words and critique from everyone so far.

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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/ch-1-gr-16-naysayers_topic36424.html" rel="nofollow - Short Screenplay Challenge R1 G16 Naysayers


Posted By: phantasm3
Date Posted: 28 May 2020 at 4:25pm
Originally posted by Paul Bee Paul Bee wrote:

Nice job
Edit your tense changes, you switch from past to present
Also I would make "these past couple years had been rough" a little more specific. It wasn't totally clear to me who was talking in the next line.

Good luck


Thank you for your kind words and critique.
The narration is 3rd person omniscient. I also took a little artistic license in how the story was being told, changing tenses from past to present to carry the story. If this was a longer piece I believe it would have made more sense to you or at the very least acclimated you to the style of the story more effectively.


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/ch-1-gr-16-naysayers_topic36424.html" rel="nofollow - Short Screenplay Challenge R1 G16 Naysayers


Posted By: phantasm3
Date Posted: 28 May 2020 at 4:32pm
Originally posted by eswan27 eswan27 wrote:

Ooh...

Thinking about Paul Bee's feedback as well, I think you could have developed the desired context more effectively through the snippet of opening dialogue. Maybe the line could be about making contact, or about how people usually only encounter what they're looking for, etc.

Dread also felt like maybe not the right emotion for this grieving father. If he's willing to take this step to make contact again, maybe it's something else.

I love this concept though, and that final image really smacks of your assigned genre.

Thank you for the kind words and critique.

I chose dread because he's not willing to take a next step, he's at the end of his metaphorical rope mentally, emotionally and otherwise. He's at the doorway of his last hope in the bowels of the abyss not knowing if he has it in him to retreat back or trudge forward. Even if what he does works, what does that mean? Will it even bring him solace? That emotion is the dread of not knowing.


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/ch-1-gr-16-naysayers_topic36424.html" rel="nofollow - Short Screenplay Challenge R1 G16 Naysayers


Posted By: phantasm3
Date Posted: 28 May 2020 at 4:39pm
Originally posted by Prairieboy Prairieboy wrote:

Good idea and execution. I had trouble with "Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes down the vast labyrinth." Wouldn't his words, not his voice, echo? I think something like "His now-hoarse throat chokes his words as they echo down the vast labyrinth." would be more clear.
The final image is very powerful.

Thank you for your kind words and critique.

His hoarse throat is choking on his next words because he had screamed with everything he had in him. Now unable to do it any longer, all he can do is hear is the vibrations of his own voice being echoed back to him down the emense cavern in front of him. 


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/ch-1-gr-16-naysayers_topic36424.html" rel="nofollow - Short Screenplay Challenge R1 G16 Naysayers


Posted By: Stodmyk
Date Posted: 04 Jun 2020 at 6:05pm
Thanks for sharing!

As a dad myself, I'm a sucker for stories about this kind of relationship. "Daddy?" <-- I was gutted.

I won't belabour the tense shift issue near the end, as folks have brought that up a few times.

One note: this seems a little awkward:
Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes...
Perhaps --> 'I miss you,' he choked hoarsely. 'I hope you know that.'
As his words echoed down the vast labyrinth, he realized there was nothing else.

I wish you luck with the judges!
Cheers,
Jason

_________________________

Round 1

Group 1 Prompt information

Genre: suspense / thriller

Activity: baking bread

Mandatory Vocab: 'risk'


https://forums.nycmidnight.com/r1-g1-paltbrd-susp-thrill_topic34196.html" rel="nofollow - Paltbröd, by Jason Kurylo


Posted By: RiceCake
Date Posted: 16 Jun 2020 at 10:38pm
I like it! It’s powerful! But I could do without “the man.” I get who he is but don’t think he’s needed. You could just start with Daniel and his dread. 

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MF100 R1: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic33835_post348912.html#348912" rel="nofollow - Fifth Body Found at Buzzard Bayou



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