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R1 Grp15 Historical Fiction "The Origins of Anne"

Printed From: NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting
Category: GENERAL DISCUSSION
Forum Name: Creative Writing Corner
Forum Description: Discuss NYC Midnight Creative Writing Competitions or Creative Writing in general.
URL: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=20456
Printed Date: 06 Dec 2019 at 11:25am
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Topic: R1 Grp15 Historical Fiction "The Origins of Anne"
Posted By: MsVickie
Subject: R1 Grp15 Historical Fiction "The Origins of Anne"
Date Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 2:22pm
Hi everyone!

This is my second time competing in the NYC Midnight Short Story Contest. This time I got historical fiction/pregnancy/intoxicated person. I wrote about real-life pirate (probably) Anne Bonny and her paramour John Rackham. I like my beginning but I think I rushed the ending too much and didn't make Anne a flawed-enough character. Any feedback is great. I'm going to go through other stories this weekend and do the same for as many of you as I can! I'm especially excited to read stories by people in the same heat as me.

Here is the link to my shared google doc -->  http://docs.google.com/document/d/1otY1OzId5Vq_kczH3-NcdTbFg1q_4AumyTP5wXYLE8Q/edit?usp=sharing" rel="nofollow - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1otY1OzId5Vq_kczH3-NcdTbFg1q_4AumyTP5wXYLE8Q/edit?usp=sharing

Cheers,
Vickie


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2019 SSCR2H2: http://tinyurl.com/y3m73pwl" rel="nofollow - The Whole Tooth
2019 SSCR1H15: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic20456_post261878.html#261878" rel="nofollow - The Origins of Anne Bonny



Replies:
Posted By: Chloeefrost
Date Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 3:54pm
Funnily enough I also chose to write about real life pirates (Ching Shih and the red flag fleet) although I had a different prompt to you (I am in group 19) so it was interesting to see how someone else had written a pirate story. 

I loved the dialogue, it made me feel as though I was amongst the pirates myself! Anne was also a very interesting character to read about and I loved how you ended with her saying “this won’t be the last you hear of Anne”. 

A very good story. I think you will do well with the judges 🙂


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/r1-g19-hist-fic-when-the-red-lotus-blooms_topic20453.html" rel="nofollow - SSC R1
https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic20837_post270843.html#270843" rel="nofollow - SSC R2



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Posted By: MsVickie
Date Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 5:49pm
Thank you so much, Chloeefrost! I really appreciate your feedback. I really hope that I make it to round two. :) 

And Omg! I LOVE that you wrote about Ching Shih. Female pirates for the win!!! When I was researching Anne Bonny for my story I also read about Ching Shih and was amazed at what a badass she was. I'm going to read your story ASAP and post feedback in your thread. Smile


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2019 SSCR2H2: http://tinyurl.com/y3m73pwl" rel="nofollow - The Whole Tooth
2019 SSCR1H15: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic20456_post261878.html#261878" rel="nofollow - The Origins of Anne Bonny


Posted By: SapphireNinja
Date Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 5:57pm
Not in your heat but I got hist fic too so I'm interested in the other stories in my genre. And I like yours. It felt long in the right way - like you did a lot with your 2500 words. 

I liked Anne's spirit and fire, and how she challenged the men to fight (and how one actually did fight her). I didn't find the ending rushed, I have to say. My one question is why did Jack just start drinking like that? Was he upset that she was pregnant? That the others knew she was a woman? 

Great work! I think the judges will think so too. :)


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2019 SSC Round 1 https://bit.ly/2sTSbAM" rel="nofollow - A Story for the Ages (hist fic/a siege/an entertainer)


Posted By: Agdabag1
Date Posted: 31 Jan 2019 at 8:24pm
Excited to read another in my group. 

Great job! This was a fun read. Loved the story and her sassy and strong ways. I thought your descriptions were very vivid and dialogue flowed smoothly. 

One suggestion- I’d take out a bunch of the word “had“ throughout to tighten. For example, ...distended belly and watched the man who (delete here) put the bastard in there... because that line is great. 
...was Jack and I (delete here) thought he was my salvation...

...Life, I (delete had here) worked in Nassau in a cheap tavern called The Tipsy Pig

I could feel you being rushed at the end (ugh the word count) and the last paragraph was a little contrite to me. I think deleting the last line would help. 

You should keep working this and expanding - it feels like there’s a longer tale here! 

Favorite line: 
Had Jack fought like a man, he need not have been hanged like a dog.



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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/group-80-fairy-tale-limping-destroy_topic24313.html**" rel="nofollow - GR80 Fairytale/Limping/Destroy


Posted By: MsVickie
Date Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 12:00am
Thanks so much, SapphireNinja! I appreciate the feedback on both what worked and what needs some clarifying. I definitely need to flesh Jack out a tad more on the page so that the drinking turn doesn't seem out of left field. Smile

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2019 SSCR2H2: http://tinyurl.com/y3m73pwl" rel="nofollow - The Whole Tooth
2019 SSCR1H15: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic20456_post261878.html#261878" rel="nofollow - The Origins of Anne Bonny


Posted By: MsVickie
Date Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 12:03am
Thank you so much, Agdabag1! Great feedback. Definitely a lot of what you describe is me writing this story very quickly, hahaha. When I revise I'll clean up the story with some of your suggestions. :)

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2019 SSCR2H2: http://tinyurl.com/y3m73pwl" rel="nofollow - The Whole Tooth
2019 SSCR1H15: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic20456_post261878.html#261878" rel="nofollow - The Origins of Anne Bonny


Posted By: BleuSky
Date Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 3:42pm
Like the other reader, I did wonder why Anne admitting to the men she was a woman made Jack turn into such a drunk. And I wondered if the 'favor' the cousin owed him would be having her (and the babe) conveniently killed. Jack didn't come across as a particularly fatherly or loving type.
As I read I found myself wishing the men would mutiny behind her, ha. It's like reading Romeo and Juliet, you wish for a change in ending despite knowing where it's going.
A question I was left with was why was one other ship mate mentioned given a stay of execution? Was it Thomas? If so, mentioning his name might   tie in nicely, providing a bit of backstory/connection as you read on.  And it could work for some fun loyalty dynamics as you expand the story. She saved his life, maybe he would work somehow to save hers and the baby's. Future romance? :)
Overall, thanks for the fun read!


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic30594_post320312.html?fbclid=IwAR2qaP9q80GXg-HI1DIIJnGB2yWpWzbyfdCVECrQeNsJQ9PhSZjtTcD4b9A#320312" rel="nofollow - Devil’s in the Details CH3 G15


Posted By: Anansi
Date Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 5:17pm
Hi Vickie, 

This is hilarious. I got the same group and opted for EXACTLY the same subject matter. It landed on me in about 5 seconds of getting the prompt email. I thought it was because I've always liked this story, but now I'm interested to see if we were the only ones!

Also very interested to see your take on the story. 

Here's mine 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fdWIUf5MDSKQuOIh2PmotmxnQSR4cC4w2h9sSVP3GsQ/edit?usp=sharing" rel="nofollow - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fdWIUf5MDSKQuOIh2PmotmxnQSR4cC4w2h9sSVP3GsQ/edit?usp=sharing

Olly


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https://bit.ly/32NdOCc" rel="nofollow - FF19 - 3: The Light that fills the World

https://cutt.ly/WedcUW5" rel="nofollow - SS19 - 1: The Circular Tower


Posted By: Anansi
Date Posted: 01 Feb 2019 at 6:39pm
Hi Vicky, 

Nice work. 

As someone that had been rehearsing this historical period a lot of late 😜 It's good to see so much accurate detail. Totally believable dialogue and situations. A ripping yarn. Great pace.

I guess my main question would be - where's Mary reade? Only because they are the Thelma and louise of pirates - always mentioned together - so I was constantly wondering when she would pop up! I thought one of the other crew that challenged Anne would be Mary (or maybe she was...) 

Some of the detail was great. Loved the exotic intoxicating powder, and tales of sea serpents. And the image of the currents under the ship / metaphors for drunkenness. 

Another general point would be (and I struggled with this one too) with a long and action packed narrative (from Defoe) it's sometimes good to choose your moment(s) and focus in on that'll the centre piece of the story, rather than give a general overview of Anne's whole piratical career. A bit hard with 2500 words! Having said that, you do pretty well at achieving just that it must be said. 

Finally I would suggest adding a bit more spacing/ thinking about presentation. For a short story I like seeing a bit more white space. Makes me focus on the text more but perhaps that's just me. 

Good luck, and again, shocked you opted for the same subject as me-  great minds eh 

😄🤚

☠️⚔️👸🏻








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https://bit.ly/32NdOCc" rel="nofollow - FF19 - 3: The Light that fills the World

https://cutt.ly/WedcUW5" rel="nofollow - SS19 - 1: The Circular Tower


Posted By: MsVickie
Date Posted: 02 Feb 2019 at 5:52pm
Oh man, thank you so much for this detailed analysis, Anansi! You're totally on point with asking where Mary Read is! As you said, we can only do so much with 2500 words and it's possible I already did too much. I didn't think I'd be able to fit Anne into the narrative I'd imagined so I cut her out entirely. I actually loved all of the research I was doing into Anne/Mary/Jack and I think I might write a much longer piece that goes into everything.

And OH MY GOD. I can't believe we both got historical fiction/pregnancy/intoxication and BOTH wrote about Anne Bonny. Like, nowhere in that prompt was pirates listed and yet our minds still both went there... Hahahaha. Alright, now I'm off to read your version! Will post comments about it on your thread. :)

Originally posted by Anansi Anansi wrote:

Hi Vicky, 

Nice work. 

As someone that had been rehearsing this historical period a lot of late 😜 It's good to see so much accurate detail. Totally believable dialogue and situations. A ripping yarn. Great pace.

I guess my main question would be - where's Mary reade? Only because they are the Thelma and louise of pirates - always mentioned together - so I was constantly wondering when she would pop up! I thought one of the other crew that challenged Anne would be Mary (or maybe she was...) 

Some of the detail was great. Loved the exotic intoxicating powder, and tales of sea serpents. And the image of the currents under the ship / metaphors for drunkenness. 

Another general point would be (and I struggled with this one too) with a long and action packed narrative (from Defoe) it's sometimes good to choose your moment(s) and focus in on that'll the centre piece of the story, rather than give a general overview of Anne's whole piratical career. A bit hard with 2500 words! Having said that, you do pretty well at achieving just that it must be said. 

Finally I would suggest adding a bit more spacing/ thinking about presentation. For a short story I like seeing a bit more white space. Makes me focus on the text more but perhaps that's just me. 

Good luck, and again, shocked you opted for the same subject as me-  great minds eh 

😄🤚

☠️⚔️👸🏻








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2019 SSCR2H2: http://tinyurl.com/y3m73pwl" rel="nofollow - The Whole Tooth
2019 SSCR1H15: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic20456_post261878.html#261878" rel="nofollow - The Origins of Anne Bonny


Posted By: jojoBee
Date Posted: 06 Feb 2019 at 2:41pm
This is a fun story! I really her voice and determination. And you did a great job with your prompts. 

I think some sentences can be broken up for clarity and there are some words that can be trimmed as they aren't necessary for understanding. 

For example this sentence - 
I bent over to apply my remedy to the injury but the tall pirate grabbed my wrist and pulled me roughly away, which caused the paste on my fingertips to fall to the floor with a wet smack.- 38 words
Could be shortened to :
I bent to apply my remedy but the tall pirate grabbed my wrist, pulling me roughly away. The paste on my fingertips fell to the floor with a wet smack. -30 words

Those are all final editing things though and not at all necessary! I do think they would give more room to add to this story though, which would be great because i wanted to know more! I'd love to have seen a bit more of her interactions with others, she's clearly a bold woman. Her relationship with Jack when he isn't being a jerk would also be nice haha

Great job!


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https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic20500_post262724.html#262724" rel="nofollow - SSC Round 1


Posted By: SEHBicycle
Date Posted: 03 Apr 2019 at 12:21pm
Congratulations on winning the heat, in only your 2nd year of NYCM SSC. Well done!

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Shari
https://tinyurl.com/y5o2adfx" rel="nofollow - The Sunrise of My Dreams, FFC ch2 Gr13, 5th place
https://tinyurl.com/y3pgqryn" rel="nofollow - Blown-Gasket Blues, FFC ch1 Gr13, 12th


Posted By: Seacore
Date Posted: 03 Apr 2019 at 8:49pm
Rollicking read, congrats on first place in your heat.

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FFC CH1 H76 - https://bit.ly/2Slt5qj" rel="nofollow - Work To Be Done
FFC CH2 H76 - https://bit.ly/2m1rhqm" rel="nofollow - A Princess in Distress


Posted By: Vickster
Date Posted: 03 Apr 2019 at 10:37pm
Thank you SEHBicyle and Seacore for your kind words! I'm excited to move onto the second round. 


Posted By: MsVickie
Date Posted: 03 Apr 2019 at 10:44pm
Oops, that previous post was also by me from an account I accidentally created when I thought the first one wasn't working. Anyway, again, thank you SEHBicyle and Seacore for your kind words!

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2019 SSCR2H2: http://tinyurl.com/y3m73pwl" rel="nofollow - The Whole Tooth
2019 SSCR1H15: https://forums.nycmidnight.com/topic20456_post261878.html#261878" rel="nofollow - The Origins of Anne Bonny



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