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Suave View Drop Down
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    Posted: 26 May 2021 at 8:57pm
Hi all!

Here is a place to post your feedback and leave a comment on what you 
thought of it. I will start.

The what they liked seemed pretty good, had me wondering why I did
not even get a HM, lol. 
The needs work sort of dashed all those thoughts.
The needs work really hit on all the feedback I got from the forum: 
my getting stuck until three days until deadline really showed, one of
the prompts just killed me. there is a lot of good advice in this section.

Thriller - A guarantee - A doppelganger

 

''EARTH RISE STATION'' -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2094}  The action lines are clear and concise.

The concept of a playground to the rich is a strong one.  {2012}  I really liked the setting of your screenplay. The casino and the dance floor at the beginning and the sharp pantsuit really helped create a feeling right from the beginning of the script. I also liked how intricately you described, in the action/description, what was happening to the ship in great detail.  {2035}  I liked the way that John's Doppel functioned; it was a really unique technology that I thought brought the world to life in this really interesting way. Having him communicate with a version of himself added this fresh layer to the tech and helped flesh out the rest of this station's capabilities in our imagination.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2094}  The premise of the logline doesn't feel fulfilled here.

The fact that far earth orbit is a playground for the rich doesn't affect the plot at all and is only mentioned in passing at the beginning. I would either integrate it in the plot or center the logline around the fact that it's about a space station that is struck by an asteroid. 

Additionally, in such a short amount of pages, introducing so many side characters is a gamble. While we follow John well, I would consider cutting down the number of new characters that are introduced throughout the script in order to streamline the narration.

Similarly, the amount of space details given in the action lines and the dialogues end up derailing the script from the emotional journey while not feeling justified.

Commander Laythin, for example, gives a lot of specifics to his crew, and while it might be useful to them, I am not sure it is useful to tell your story.

This story would benefit from focusing on John and his emotional journey, all the while raising his personal stakes. One easy solution would be focusing on him wanting to get to Shelia, which you've already set up at the beginning of the script. Then we would truly fear for the main character, and the stakes would be raised.  {2012}  I felt the dialogue in some areas was a bit expository. What I mean by this is that sometimes the characters were delivering information rather than emotion. For example, this line of John's: "That was my doppelganger. You can’t hear him, I can -- coms slash personal assistant. I’ve got to go. Follow the red arrows like in training, get to the escape pods. Don’t worry! Just a drill." John is basically telling Sheila what you want the audience to know - the doppelganger can only be heard by John, there's an emergency that John thinks is a drill, Sheila has to follow some red arrows and get to an escape pod. This is all useful information, but having John deliver it as dialogue makes his character a little bit distant. In a screenplay it is always a good idea to try and deliver information visually if possible. This is because it opens up the dialogue to be a whole 2nd story to the visual narrative, which adds depth to your movie. I wonder if you can replace a line like this with something more fraught with emotion - one way to do this is to include an emotional subplot throughout the screenplay, for example John and Sheila are having a fight about something. It doesn't really matter what the subplot is, just that it relates to the two characters and it has nothing to do with the asteroid strike.  {2035}  There were a lot of interesting components here: John and Sheila, saving the two people trapped in their rooms, repairing the station. Because the script has a maximum of twelve pages, I thought that these interesting facets didn't get the space they really needed to shine. That's why I think that focusing on only one of these facets in the context of an asteroid hit instead would give you more room to explore the story in depth and create dynamic tension. For instance, emphasizing John's struggle to get the boosters up and running would give us more time to just get to know him and his struggle. As we watched him fight for the station's safety, we'd find ourselves more invested because of how intimately we came to know John.



Edited by Suave - 26 May 2021 at 9:59pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Anansi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 May 2021 at 6:10am

Well I'm a bit surprised by my HM to be honest -  seeing as I wrote this in a few manic hours before 5 am, but it goes that way sometimes with NYC.


Feedback is fair enough. Nobody got that I was doing a pastiche of "Much ado about Nothing" but hey, why would they.



''Casa Messina''  


 WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 



{2062}  The members of the retirement home joining together to help Bee and Benny is a very sweet plotline and I liked how conniving they were about it. It showed a different side compared to the stereotype of helpless elderly people. Benny and Bee's chemistry is great. 


 {2110}  The screenwriter has produced a well structured script that is paced well.  The characters are likable and there are a few laugh-out-loud moments, which audiences will appreciate.  The best part of this story is the unexpected romance between two seniors in the final stages of their life.  The script's original take on love at long last makes for a refreshing read and will appeal to a wide range of audiences. 


 {1689}  I love how Angela and Claudio spark and then start scheming to bring Benny and Bee together. Hilarious sequence where Benny and Bee prank each other: I especially like when they start using the megaphone. Nice mini-scenes when Benny and then Bee overhear how much love is being thrown their way -- if only they can find the wisdom to take it -- and they do.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -


 {2062}  The last part of the script feels very disjointed and unrelated to previous events. Why would Bee want to kill Claudio? Does anybody even know he and Angela were dating? We need more clarity and foreshadowing, not just in terms of Angela dying but also why it is relevant to the main characters. 


 {2110}  The developing love story between Benny and Bee is over explained in dialog between the carers and other senior residents.  The banter between Benny and Bee will stand on its own, along with the action.  Better to have viewers observe their love developing, rather than having other characters repeatedly explain it throughout the script.  The screenplay can benefit from the "show, not tell," rule.  


{1689}  You have a fun story and great characters. A couple of things to think about. ONE -- Tighten up the set up just a little here and there so that you can get to Angela and Claudio's scheme earlier. TWO -- Use that extra time to make it harder to bring Benny and Bee together. I love that there are genuine obstacles -- fear and anger and hurt inside both of them that make connection difficult. THREE -- This will be tough, but I want you to consider cutting the Angela dies subplot. Use that time to have Claudio and Angela act directly -- possibly after the scheme fails -- to bring Benny and Bee together. Don't get me wrong: I love the love between Angela and Claudio, but let it have its own shape.

 

MF100 - R1: The Sky Karen

SC21 - R1: Casa Messina

Will return all reads. Thanks!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote swilki Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 May 2021 at 7:41am

I got fourth place in my heat which I was really pleased by. Very happy with the feedback and the criticisms are bob on, I was writing up till the deadline and didn't manage to do much editing so maybe I could've caught some of these had I been more organised and less rubbish, but let's face it, that was never going to happen.

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 

{1745}  I enjoyed the way Adam developed as the story moved along! It was interesting to also see some of his character revealed in the way he communicated with his mother when they were on their way to the pub, it gave a great background for the reader to really relate and understand the character.  

{1943}  'Missing Mike' was a very moving, compelling story. I liked the way you built up the intensity of emotions as we realized that maybe there was something odd happening at Mike's business. You created strong tension as we saw Dan's intensity as he questioned Adam and then tried to justify Mike's deceptive behavior. I particularly liked the conflict of emotions as he pointed out that Mike had "four mechanics, all with families, including his own, to support" and "not least a son off at uni". I loved the ending, as Adam resisted temptation and did the right thing for Minnie. I really wanted to see more of this story, to find out if Adam stayed to run the business, and if he reconciled his differences with Dan. This was a strong script - good job!  

{2022}  I loved all the quiet moments you incorporated into this script. They really conveyed the weight of Mike's death on his family and community, which only makes the revelation that his business practices weren't that honest all the more devastating.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 

{1745}  I would have liked to have seen Adam embrace the drama a bit more. I believe he was a well thought out character, but at times towards the end of the piece the emotion seemed a bit lacking.  

{1943}  I wonder if you could describe a photo of Mike at the front of the room, so we have a concept of the relationships of Rose and Adam to Mike. If there was a large photo of a man in his 60s, we would automatically understand that Rose was his wife, and Adam was his son.

I wasn't sure that you needed Dan to be as rude and disparaging about Minnie. I felt that this was a rather basic approach to characterization, which felt a bit contrived. It felt to me that you were setting up your audience to tell them that Dan was not a great guy after all. I would think about pulling back and having him simply call Minnie by her name. This would mean that his admission that he and Mike were scamming customers comes as more of a shock, as it would feel totally out of character.  

{2022}  You could lose the flashback on page 11. It disrupts the climax, which is the confrontation between Adam and Dan, as well as breaks from the primary perspective in the narrative, held by Adam. The earlier flashback is enough to demonstrate that Mike was a good person, despite his failures.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LoneWolf2021 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 May 2021 at 10:38am

5th place (whew!)
I agree with the feedback, I could have definitely dialled up the tension near the end for a bigger emotional payoff. 

Thank goodness for the third reviewer, they seemed to really like it, and that's probably why I squeaked into 5th place. That reviewer provided really clear steps that I could take to improve the story, and they thought a whole series of adventures could be told about the troll family and Faerfolk kingdom, so that's really encouraging. Smile

'Baggajazz'' by Heather McQuaid -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY 
{2000}  I like the montage of the family trying different things and failing at them. It shows their persistence and it helps the plot flow smoothly into the ending.  

{1980}  The dialogue in this piece was particularly strong. The family of trolls in particular demonstrated an endearing warmth.  

{1689}  I love how simple and beautiful your story is -- and tied in (lightly) to the current circumstances around the world: gorgeous use of traditional workers being displaced -- and so, in this case, trolls having to learn how to mix up the demand for payment ploy. Wonderful montage as the TROLLS try to be jesters, ballerinas, and opera stars. Nice message from Jazz to Bagga about how to STOP trying to get it right -- and just PLAY.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 
{2000}  I would find it more fitting if Bagga stumbles at first, rather than playing clearly and with unfettered emotion the first time in front of everyone. It seems like he should mess up, then have to look around at everyone, take a calming breath at some inner revelation, and then play with an abandon that draws the listener in. Something like this would further the tension in the ending, which lacks something.  

{1980}  One element that could be further developed is the tension. Although the ticking clock element is strong with regards to heightening suspense, it would be useful, in future drafts, to explore ways to push the family to their breaking point before discovering jazz. Do they resign to leaving their home, for example? Do they turn on each other in frustration? By pushing them to their lowest point, this would help heighten the build as they achieve success.  

{1689}  You have a fresh idea, fabulous set up and funny characters. A couple of things to think about. ONE -- Identify your ideal audience. For me, it's 1-3 because they will love the antics and the problem. Whatever you decide, edit accordingly. TWO -- Simplify as much as possible in language and action scenes. A perfect example already exists -- in your montage. It communicates clearly and simply a wonderful sequence. Don't get me wrong. Things don't have to be that short -- just that clear. That's a challenge, but you can do it. THREE -- I think you can have more fun with how the Trolls first encounter the Jazz musicians. Make their situation even more dire before that happens. Make them even more hopeless. FOUR -- I think you have a whole series of adventures in the world with these Trolls. I mention this not only so that you will write them, but so that you can think about this story as introducing that world. FIVE -- I think you can keep Thalia a little more evil -- though I like how she's okay with their gig at the end but only because it keeps the money rolling in.
1st Round screenplay:Baggajazz [fairy tale]
2nd Round screenplay: The Stakes [suspense]
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dialitbackfilms Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 May 2021 at 1:24pm

So I took 5th in the heat, but I'm just happy to move on.  I felt the "liked" comments were fine, nothing really surprising there.  


For the "need work" comments I felt the second judge had something to offer, but ultimately they were nit picks.  Since I plan to film this one, the suggestions are easy adjustments, and I do agree with some of them.  The other comments were pretty vague and seemed to miss the point.  


But it's always nice to read feedback.  Scripts are always fungible.


''For Jimmy'' by Michael Baker -   

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 

{1651}  Overall, the concept was engaging and the characters interesting to follow. I enjoyed how you set up these delinquent-looking friends who are fiercely loyal to their friend Jimmy and despite appearances, want to genuinely repay kindness with kindness.  


{2087}  The story does a good job of defying our expectations by building tension, only to pull the rug out with a twist ending that genuinely surprises.

The descriptive passages in the action lines are very well done, giving us a really good sense of the characters and the world they inhabit.  


{2140}  There's something of a John Hughes movie vibe to this piece, a story about a group of teen outcasts mobilised by their commitment to friendship. It's unusual to have a 'happy' ending in this genre and clever misdirection is used in the build up so that it comes as a real surprise. The dialogue is naturalistically minimal and quickly paced, which works well.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 

{1651}  Since we're only shown positive experiences between Stafford and Jimmy, we expect the reveal to be a happy surprise--and it is. I'd find a way to make the flashbacks more ambiguous to throw us off the scent. Or, perhaps you show the positive flashback of Jimmy and Stafford after you share the reveal that Jimmy saved his life.  


{2087}  This is cleverly plotted, and much care has been taken with the dialogue to avoid tipping your hand and giving away the ending. But there are a few times when the way one of the four teens phrases something doesn't completely ring true for the situation. Putting aside the fact that they probably wouldn't have to use such coded language around each other, when Raul says "I say we move on him now. What he did to Jimmy --", it's really hard to read that as anything other than threatening. It may be the use of "TO Jimmy", when it really would make more sense for him to say "FOR Jimmy." But I understand that gives too much away. Perhaps it works better to cut him off at "What he did --"? Then it still keeps the audience expecting violence, but the rest of that sentence could very well be "was so cool" and the audience would be none the wiser.

I also wonder why they have to wait so long to show Stafford their appreciation. Maybe once they grab his phone, it can turn out that his anniversary is in two days instead of two weeks? It just seems like they are cooling their heels for longer than necessary under the circumstances.  


{2140}  While the stalking/investigation scenes do a good job of misleading us into believing Stafford is a villain, the writer might consider double-checking whether it still all retrospectively works once the 'reveal' happens. Why are the kids following him, and why is it implied he's been sleeping with young girls (the 'legal' reference)? Perhaps this dialogue just needs double checking imagining it on a second viewing.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dialitbackfilms Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 May 2021 at 1:27pm
Originally posted by LoneWolf2021 LoneWolf2021 wrote:


Thank goodness for the third reviewer, they seemed to really like it, and that's probably why I squeaked into 5th place. That reviewer provided really clear steps that I could take to improve the story, and they thought a whole series of adventures could be told about the troll family and Faerfolk kingdom, so that's really encouraging. Smile

One thing I find funny about the comments, having been in this several times, is that you can take their advice and deepen the story, if you had more pages to work with.  On the five page contest, every word counts, there's no room for fluff, so when the comments come in about "more development" or "explore the relationship" I usually just laugh.

But it's always nice to read comments.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LoneWolf2021 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 May 2021 at 3:13pm
Originally posted by dialitbackfilms dialitbackfilms wrote:

Originally posted by LoneWolf2021 LoneWolf2021 wrote:


Thank goodness for the third reviewer, they seemed to really like it, and that's probably why I squeaked into 5th place. That reviewer provided really clear steps that I could take to improve the story, and they thought a whole series of adventures could be told about the troll family and Faerfolk kingdom, so that's really encouraging. Smile

One thing I find funny about the comments, having been in this several times, is that you can take their advice and deepen the story, if you had more pages to work with.  On the five page contest, every word counts, there's no room for fluff, so when the comments come in about "more development" or "explore the relationship" I usually just laugh.

But it's always nice to read comments.

Having read the feedback you got, it did seem more like minor nitpicks (massaging some dialogue, etc.), whereas mine had the cardinal sin of not having enough tension (not something your story could ever be accused of, ha!). But you're right, it's difficult to fit in everything we want in 12 pages, and now I have to figure out how to tell a compelling story with 4 fewer pages. Tongue
1st Round screenplay:Baggajazz [fairy tale]
2nd Round screenplay: The Stakes [suspense]
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pondsandfrogs Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 May 2021 at 3:27pm
I snuck into the top five in my heat with a fifth-place finish for my punk rock/riot grrrl chicas. I'm thrilled with that, it's great to just be moving on and being given another chance to create another world. I also had a ton of fun writing this one, so was validating to see the placement.

My story has a particularly jarring & shocking ending, but that was intentional. I know some people who read here on the forums or even people who beta-read for me said it was a little too harsh... but I'm stubborn and kept it. I've never been assigned action/adventure until this round, and the way my prompt was laid out made me think to make it an action-comedy (and it's a little dark, as Judge 1774 said). 

What I'll say about nits: I'd say it's fair feedback. 2143 & 1774 expressed a little confusion in plot actions (specifically a Rick driving Wendy scene... which never happened? Not sure where that judge got that). If I could give them a nit, it'd be to read it back once more, because I answer those questions or plot holes -- with my story's sort of demented logic. 

However, I don't really have many qualms with the nits. Good enough to move on, I guess! Happy writing this weekend, and congrats to everyone!

-EJ

''Francie and Wendy'' by EJ Paras 
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY:
{2058}  Fun premise and unique concept. it immediately pulls the reader into the story. Both Wendy and Francie are well-developed characters, easy to visualize and relate to. The story itself is a fun ride from start to finish. Great work.

{2143}  What a fun premise for an action adventure, crime caper, buddy pic. There are some lovely moments between FRANCIE and WENDY and each of the characters in the screenplay feel distinct and enhance the comedic elements of the script.

{1774}  This adventure, cloaked as a dark comedy, is wonderfully bizarre and totally unpredictable. Rarely have two people been so happy and nonchalant about murder. Wendy's joy at sizzling fries and serving up burgers, Francie's thrill at being in a gunfight with a narcissistic mobster, and Joe's amusing love of him biceps create such deeply hilarious, entertaining moments. Clever approach to the challenge, adding lightness and humor to weighty actions.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
{2058}  While the premise is great, it does feel a little forced or "nonchalant" as Wendy just simply offers Francie an opportunity to be a hitwoman. This is a minor note, but something to consider in the future. Sometimes if the character's motivation (or lack thereof) doesn't add up to their decisions, it can be hard to buy-in. That being said, this is still a great script.

{2143}  The daylight savings plot device feels somewhat contrived and I wonder if there is another way to complicate the hit? Or perhaps manage it in a way that doesn't feel as heavy handed? It might work to not let FRANCIE know that it's daylight savings - and only WENDY knows? I was a bit confused about how RICK came to be driving WENDY to JOE ANTONIONI's house? And wondered if they needed to kill him - he could be a handy, if clueless accomplice perhaps?  

{1774}  You conveyed Francie's miserable boredom at working at Mooby's. Consider revealing Wendy's  apathy about her job and/or her desire to step into something new. Also, Francie was covered in Joe's blood at the end. It's surprising that Rick said nothing about that. Him being a (probably) blabbermouth witness might also add a reason for Wendy to shoot him.
Y'all are so talented!
Screenwriting 2021 R2 (Thriller)
Screenwriting 2021 R1 (Action/Adv.)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pentailed Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 May 2021 at 3:48pm

I think my judges hit the mark, there is a good deal of correspondence w/ my feedback from the forum. I really feel lucky that I got such good feedback on a piece I was just not sure about at all.

I am ITCHING to improve it with the feedback but I'm saving my powder for the second round.

Ended up being 2nd in my heat, behind basically a perfect script (The Complaint, it's so good), and I couldn't be more thrilled and admittedly slightly intimidated!

My genre was political satire, and my prompts "An Enforcer" and "Allergies".

Really good feedback, I appreciated it all.


''The Bureau of Temporal Control'' by Sarah Cox

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -

{1651}  The concept of this story was a fun reveal and kept me engaged until the very end. You do a great job of setting up Julie and Alex as opposites and bringing them together at the end. 

{2062}  It's a bold premise but the writer smoothly executes it. In a scene or two, we're able to understand the rules of the Bureau and the complications of time travel. The satirical aspect of having this great power and not doing anything with it is really funny, as is the simple yet effective resolution. The characters make an impression, particularly Julie: we can really sense her frustration and stress building up. 

{2147}  Julie sneezes five times in quick succession. And her following line. We've all done that. An immediate laugh!

This is well written, well formatted, well structured, it reads very visually as a screenplay should, the dialogue is natural, and best of all...it's funny.

The dialogue in the Don't-Kill-Hitler scene is especially comic and clever.

The pithy satire about maintaining the status quo as the U.S. Government is a riot.

A great pleasure to see a properly formatted montage with imagery which serves the story.

The ending with ragweed removed from the timeline wraps it up nicely for Julie, and for the reader. What a pleasure to read this super witty work. 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -

{1651}  We don't have a sense of what the story is about until the end of page 4/beginning of page 5 when it's revealed that this business is a time machine and Alex's job is to submit proposals for how to change the past. I'd find a way to get into the story quicker and give us this context earlier so you have time to escalate the action. I also think you have a great opportunity to give us a twist at the end. Since changing one thing in the past has a butterfly effect, how will changing the plant's DNA effect some other aspect of the world? For example (and this is a bad pitch example), maybe Julie looks out her window to see dogs standing up and talking like humans, as a result of this tiny plant DNA change. 

{2062}  Julie's scenes with Charles don't add much to the storyline and it can be viewed as cliché to start a story with a character waking up. We could jump right into it from SCENE 2. I wanted to hear even more ideas on what time travel could change and Julie's reasons for turning them all down - those are the funniest exchanges. 

{2147}  Not much to critique. One or two nitpicks to what is otherwise a very strong piece.

All screenplays begin with a left-justified FADE IN:

Let's have an age or age range for the introductions of Officer Knight p.2, Kendra. p.3, Brad p.7 (see * below).

* Brad should be formally introduced on p.7. He's not a big player in the story, but he's seen and has on-screen dialogue. So, what does he look like (besides his big lunk face) and what age does he appear as? A reader would like to see him in their mind as the author does.



Edited by pentailed - 27 May 2021 at 4:01pm
SWC 21 1st round: The Bureau of Temporal Control

SWC 21 2nd round: Brave Beauty

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Brettleanne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 May 2021 at 5:48pm
I placed first in my group; which, tbh, still has me flabbergasted. I am excited and beyond pleased, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't expecting to place at all.

Obviously the positive feedback was lovely and made me feel good, but I particularly appreciate how specific and actionable the constructive criticism was.

''Inheritance'' by Brett Leanne


WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1744}  I really enjoyed this story, and I particularly liked how you used a combination of flashbacks, a tour, and an interview to show how Nancy gathered details about what happened the night the painting was stolen. You also did a great job showing character details and personalities—as well as the relationship between J.R. and Beau—through the way the characters spoke and behaved, rather than through simple exposition. Nice job!  {2065}  The writer has delivered a fascinating story within a well-structured and formatted screenplay. Nancy, Beau, and J.R. are relevant, authentic, well-positioned, and likable. The plot secures interest early and gathers momentum as the storyline progresses and or develops depth. ‘Inheritance’ showcases a sensible scene sequence throughout, which leverages intrigue, pace, and delivery. Overall, a commendable effort to create and deliver a masterful and entertaining crime plot and chain of events.  {1943}  'Inheritance' was a well-structured, polished screenplay. I liked the way Nancy was taken back in time and shown the events of the night when the painting was stolen. I loved the way you showed Beau's fondness for JR as he frequently put his hand on JR's shoulder and tried to protect him and caution him. I liked the sense of Beau's anxiety and discomfort, which created strong tension as he showed Nancy around. The revelation that the theft of the painting was a distraction to hide the switching of the wills was a total surprise! The ending of the screenplay was poignant - I loved the note from Beau, showing that JR had died and Nancy could now tell his story. This was a strong ending to a well written script. Well done.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1744}  I did want to know a little more about why Nancy was so interested in this story. I'd encourage you to bring in a touch more background about her, perhaps her interests or her motivation, so that we understand her personal stake in getting to the bottom of this heist. It also wasn't clear to me whether we were supposed to know, at the end, what had happened to the stolen painting or whether it might ever be found.  {2065}  Since the genre is crime caper, it will be wonderful for the writer to showcase one more caper element convincingly. The rework is a tweak here and there. All the other genre elements are present and perfectly placed.

One suggestion is to tweak Nancy’s character; so she comes across as professional as per the original but with a smattering of humor. She can either do or say humorous things occasionally, not too often, as the integrity of the screenplay needs to remain intact.

For one example, the first scene has Nancy being allowed to enter with no elaborate greeting from Beau. The writer can inject something here as Nancy gawks at the prestigious surroundings. Furthermore, the opening scene can have Nancy trip out of the cab. All minor but directional humor elements. For another example, on page 7, Nancy rushes over to taste what the Chef is busy preparing because she is starving and smells so good. Beau can level with her with just his glare, and she continues following him to the basement.

Overall, it is up to the writer’s digression as to how they inject this particular caper element. It simply needs to be subtle and not overtake what is already in play.  {1943}  I did find myself wondering at the end about the fact that JR allowed his story to be told while Beau was still alive. This led me to wonder if Beau could get into serious trouble for fraud, as he had been a part of the switching of the wills and the theft of the painting. Why would JR allow his partner's crime to be revealed in this way? I also wondered how Beau would live, as he had presumably been supported until then by JR's wealth and inheritance. I wonder if you could address these points in the screenplay, as I suspect Beau could have ended up in prison for this crime if Nancy told the story.

Brett Leanne

Screenplay R2, Group 13
The Academy

MF100 Round 1, Group 38
Belladonna
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