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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2020 at 8:00am
Originally posted by Birdie Num Num Birdie Num Num wrote:

is anyone else still waiting for feedback?

If you do not have it yet, check your spam or junk folder.  If nothing there there then contact NYCM @ feedback@nycmidnight.com
 


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Birdie Num Num Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2020 at 8:05am
Thanks, just sent them an email.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Anansi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2020 at 9:42am

''Baron of the Bardo'' 


{1795}  


You have created a very interesting world that is not far removed from a moment in time that did exist and a moment in time that may yet come to light. I love your extension of historic and prospective truth here with a great addition of whimsy.

I love the breaking of the 4th wall at the end. That really made me smile also.  


I think, if you must refer to the Desire streetcar, you should make it a more significant moment. Otherwise, it seems contrived to throw it in there. Like you just needed to make mention of it for the sake of adding something people will recognize and either be giddy for or groan at.

I'd find a more creative creature than a zombie to throw in this piece. I think we've been beaten to death with zombies thanks to the last decade of The Walking Dead.


{1555}  


The post-Katrina New Orleans setting and the Voodoo undercurrents are perfect tonal matches for the assigned elements. Baron Samedi and Erzulie's machinations play with the tropes of a fairy tale in unexpected, vivid ways.  


As written, it feels like a genuine surprise when the Man pleads with Erzulie that he's in love with Brigitte on page 9. What makes his particular lust for her different that any of the other customers at Papa's Bar? In future drafts, set their growing rapport apart from any others, especially after she makes a case for Papa to hire him on page 6. 



{1943}  


I really enjoyed this intriguing, dark screenplay. Your setting was captivating as you took us on a fascinating journey of New Orleans. The wide variety of characters were vivid and often shocking. The Baron was particularly interesting. I liked the unsettling atmosphere you created with the dead bodies and his strange comments, especially when he spoke in French Creole. Good job! 


Your screenplay was full of strong images and characters. It felt surreal, and had tons of atmosphere. The dreamlike quality is intriguing and effective, but  I would have preferred the plot to have been a little clearer, so we understood the different times you were portraying and the sequence of events. Maybe you could give us a clearer timeline of the plot in your action lines?


******


I wasn't expecting to place in this round, as I went for quite a challenging and cerebral piece that doesn't usually fare well in this competition. 


What I didn't expect was to have largely positive feedback, (from two judges at least) along with some pretty accurate criticism. 


The exception is judge 1795 who it seems didn't really read it, or understand it on any level. Worse then useless criticism and praise, did anyone else get that from this judge? 




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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sgspeed Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2020 at 4:27pm
Posting in both places. I knew that this was a very low-keyed mystery, but I loved John Prine's music and have listened to him most of my life. When I saw the prompt "postman" I was compelled to include him in this. 
Can anyone explain the logline comment to me?  

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1947}  The script has an emotionally affecting core. Frank is a likable and relatable protagonist.  {1744}  I really enjoyed this! It's a very compelling story, weaving together multiple lives and time periods, and you have a fun little mystery to keep the plot moving. The best part was all the little gems from John Prine songs. Beautiful work.  {1640}  You did a good job developing your characters and giving them each a moving backstory. Your dialog was good throughout; it sounded real and appropriate to each character. Your descriptive narrative was clear and easy to follow. I like the life philosophy scattered about, as well as the compassion these men show for each other and their fellow men. The way you brought things full circle at the end was classy and well thought out.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1947}  The script feels longer than it needs to be and drags in places. The mystery is a bit too low stakes to really have an impact, so I'd make it clearer that Carl is in desperate need of this money -- thus upping the urgency of finding his checks. Lastly, I'm not entirely sure that the fact that John is John Prine really is necessary. It's interesting but music doesn't figure into the story at all, so it feels sort of tangential.  {1744}  I wonder whether you might spend just a tad more time with the postal worker in the present day. Who is he? How might you connect him to the rest of the characters?  {1640}  Take another pass at your logline, you don't need to be coy about the missing checks. This isn't much of a mystery as mysteries go, there's really only one suspect and a quick resolution. Consequently, if I wanted to watch a mystery and saw this, I would feel charmed but shortchanged on the mystery aspect.
FFC RD.1 Magic
FFC RD. 2 The Chandelier

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote JohnnyW Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2020 at 8:44pm

My feedback on the feedback: Quite a varied response. 


{1981} really connected with the story, which was very nice to hear. 


{786} has some good feedback on how to improve things, which I'm very grateful for.


{1949}'s feedback is kind of empty and half-assed. It doesn't actually make much sense when you try to decipher it :-/


''Sleepwalking'' by Johnny Walker -   


WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -


{1949}  Hetty definitely is the classic intruder who is perceived so differently by the couple to heighten the conflict they already have.  The inclusion of her sleepwalking and creepy talk about Robby make Hetty a lot creepier than initial impression.  


{1981}  Fantastic work. The conflict of your script is one of the more compelling I've encountered in this competition. A mother's love for her child--especially a newborn--can be a sacred but sometimes obsessive phenomenon. It's a great conflict because the right answer is not obvious. Being overprotective of a newborn is not necessarily a criminal offense, but when Helen in turn ostracizes William, the picture becomes a bit more muddled.


This wonderful conflict is heightened with the introduction of Hetty and particularly by the fact that she sleepwalks.  There is something so unsettling in that scene when Hetty sleepwalks into Robby's room. Helen's neurotic concern for Robby transfers to the reader. This moment also sets up a great deal of ominous foreshadowing/mystery. We expect something horrible is going to come from Hetty's sleepwalking.


Lastly, the ending was phenomenal. Harrowing and unexpected. Horror and drama at its finest. Well done!  


{786}  The story has good pacing and suspense. Hetty sleepwalking with the pillow is a nice scene that starts to build the tension. The ending is wonderfully horrific with Helen seeing Hetty and William leaving together and being locked inside the burning house with her son. The story has well written descriptions that give us a strong sense of setting and action.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 


{1949}  Part of the dialogue feels a bid redundant and seems like Helen during that time might not be so apt to speak up to her husband as she does.  Hetty and Helen are close sounding names, so with such few characters I might change one up.  I'm unsure if it might work better to think this is in Helen's mind or the possibility it is rather than her worst nightmare actually happening.  


{1981}  My biggest suggestion is to perhaps consider making Helen's neurotic tendencies even more palpable. While she comes across as overprotective, there's nothing about her actions that adds even the smallest dose of moral ambiguity about her demise. In other words, she doesn't deserve her fate and I can't imagine any readers or viewers reveling in her fiery end. If that's the direction you want to go, then keep everything as is. On the other hand, if you wanted to complicate our feelings towards her death a bit more, you could always consider making her commit some kind of unpleasant act earlier. Maybe she destroys something in the house and tries to frame Hetty for it to get her fired? Even worse, she could even hurt Robby and blame Hetty for it. If you went this route, then it's possible many would want to see her get her comeuppance. Lastly, whether or not you make any of these changes, have you ever considered letting Robby live? I think in many ways, Hetty carrying him off as she and William drive away would be almost as horrifying to Helen as Robby burning to death. This alternative would tie in nicely with Hetty talking about wanting a child just like him earlier in the script. Anyway, this is just some food for thought. Great work!  


{786}  Helen and William's arguments start to feel a little redundant as they're always arguing about how much attention Helen pays to Robby. As opposed to them talking, put the actions into words. Like perhaps William wants a little quality time but Helen decides she wants to watch Robby sleep. Help us see in all the ways William is feeling neglected by his wife and how she is failing to run the household up to his standards. One thing that would seem like a fitting twist for the end is if Helen went to check on Robby, or fell asleep in his room and is locked in the burning house with him.



Edited by JohnnyW - 11 Jun 2020 at 8:45pm
Screenwriting Challenge 2020 - R1/H33 Sleepwalking (Horror)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jdadams1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2020 at 9:39pm

''Fossil of Decorum'' by John Adams -   


WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 


{1952}  The spy elements are really fun and the cheeky dialogue adds a nice element of humor to the story. The character names are really great.  


{1729}  This was a perfectly whimsical and hilarious screenplay that suited its short format. The writing does the concept a great service with its irreverence.

Well-written and descriptive, the script had a cinematic quality that made it easy to envision the story in film.

All the characters were fun, distinctive, and highly watchable - in particular, Lavinia, Dandy, Aunt Maudlin, Queen Victoria, and Marius.

Spy comedies often fall into the trap of relying predominantly on crude or cheesy humor, but this screenplay was refreshing and original.  


{1689}  I love your tone--dry and witty and playful: it suits your Victorian spy story perfectly. Wonderful take on the eccentricity of Queen Victoria: robust and funny. Nice build to the moment when when Marius' echo of Aunt Maudlin's words stop Lavinia in her tracks. Gorgeous--and hilarious--turn to have Aunt Maudlin be the Fossil--determined to leave her legacy through mind-control.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 


{1952}  There's a lot of set up in the beginning, and you can really just get straight into it and pepper in the same character reveals throughout the story without such a grandiose intro. The pace lags a little for that reason, when it could go a lot quicker and have more action.  


{1729}  The defeat of Aunt Maudlin felt too easy and a little rushed. With how quirky the whole screenplay was, the resolution was a bit of a let down because of how conventional it seemed. A more creative and unpredictable takedown would have been more satisfactory and in line with the story's vibe. Also, I would have liked to see the museum setting utilized to better effect in this regard.  


{1689}  First of all, don't change anything unless you have a strong inclination to do so because your story is already working so well on so many levels. Having said that, I think if you find a way to reveal Auntie as the villain just a touch earlier that might be fun. Why? Because it would give Lavinia more time to struggle with defeating her--and I think Lavinia's struggle to defeat Auntie could be a lot of fun.

Learn from my mistake: Rate your judges

FF2: Beer, Bears, and Bath Salts: A True-Crime Exclusive From Hollywood Holly
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jun 2020 at 11:24am
See below.....

Edited by Suave - 15 Jun 2020 at 11:27am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jun 2020 at 11:26am
Originally posted by sgspeed sgspeed wrote:

Posting in both places. I knew that this was a very low-keyed mystery, but I loved John Prine's music and have listened to him most of my life. When I saw the prompt "postman" I was compelled to include him in this. 
Can anyone explain the logline comment to me?  

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1947}  The script has an emotionally affecting core. Frank is a likable and relatable protagonist.  {1744}  I really enjoyed this! It's a very compelling story, weaving together multiple lives and time periods, and you have a fun little mystery to keep the plot moving. The best part was all the little gems from John Prine songs. Beautiful work.  {1640}  You did a good job developing your characters and giving them each a moving backstory. Your dialog was good throughout; it sounded real and appropriate to each character. Your descriptive narrative was clear and easy to follow. I like the life philosophy scattered about, as well as the compassion these men show for each other and their fellow men. The way you brought things full circle at the end was classy and well thought out.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1947}  The script feels longer than it needs to be and drags in places. The mystery is a bit too low stakes to really have an impact, so I'd make it clearer that Carl is in desperate need of this money -- thus upping the urgency of finding his checks. Lastly, I'm not entirely sure that the fact that John is John Prine really is necessary. It's interesting but music doesn't figure into the story at all, so it feels sort of tangential.  {1744}  I wonder whether you might spend just a tad more time with the postal worker in the present day. Who is he? How might you connect him to the rest of the characters?  {1640}  Take another pass at your logline, you don't need to be coy about the missing checks. This isn't much of a mystery as mysteries go, there's really only one suspect and a quick resolution. Consequently, if I wanted to watch a mystery and saw this, I would feel charmed but shortchanged on the mystery aspect.

I think he might have meant for you to put more effort into the logline, unlike the short story logline, where in real life they do not exist, in the movie industry they are a big part of the script when first read.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote E Myers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2020 at 11:46pm
Here is my feedback from Round 1 for "The Waiting" - Fantasy/Retirement Home/Invisible Friend


''The Waiting'' by E Myers -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1894}  Harriet and Eda feel like well thought out characters. The subtle hints of magic are well done.  {1952}  The best thing about this story is definitely the story it creates. It's extensive and well thought out.The main character Harriet was also very fun to read and it was great following her story.  {1967}  This is a very well written script by a writer who has a clear voice and a talent for creating believable characters. Edna and Harriet are both specific, distinct characters whose needs are loving yet occasionally opposed as is often the case with parents and their children.

The stakes are real life, seemingly ordinary, but they feel surprisingly high because we care about what happens to Edna. We want her well cared for as does her daughter Harriet. Their dialogue is crisp and engaging, leading to an easy read.

The writer has done a wonderful job creating three dimensional characters with clear needs that are believable and relatable. The need to care for a parent is universal and gives this short piece the emotional hook to really care about these people and what happens to them.

A magic realism permeates the script and blossoms into a wondrous and bittersweet finale.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1894}  The conversation with Michael feels stilted. Try reading this out loud and seeing if there's way to make it sound more natural. Harriets speech feels realistic while talking to Eda, so try to make it consistent here, maybe even less of full sentences than before to show that she's drinking.  {1952}  The plot overall is kind of boring and it feels like it needs to be elevated in the way of action.  {1967}  My only wish (and maybe I missed this detail somewhere) is that we get to see Donald at the end. Some little glimpse into Edna's world. The fantastic nature of the ending had me wanting to see Edna fulfilled with Donald taking and/or even perhaps Harriet is able to finally see him too. Not sure if this fits with the writer is after but it's what came up in me as I read and that ending could land even more potently with some work.

Small detail but on page 7, let Nurse Nikky tell her exactly what it costs. I'd like to know and the specificity says something about Nikky if she knows down to the cent how much it will cost. An exact amount will feel unreasonable and immovable which is established in this scene nicely already. An exact amount will raise the stakes if it's a high figure. Right now the response feels general in the way that it's as if the writer doesn't exactly know how much it is.

Formatting: When introducing any character in your script, make sure to put them in ALL CAPS. Edna on page 2, was missed.

Also, make sure parentheticals are on their own line. Page 3 (studying her letters) was incorrectly formatted.


Here is the script, and I've made the suggested changes that I agreed with already. 


THE WAITING






Edited by E Myers - 25 Jun 2020 at 12:03am
Voilá!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dayumjam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jul 2020 at 8:31am
Originally posted by Anansi Anansi wrote:


I wasn't expecting to place in this round, as I went for quite a challenging and cerebral piece that doesn't usually fare well in this competition. 


What I didn't expect was to have largely positive feedback, (from two judges at least) along with some pretty accurate criticism. 


The exception is judge 1795 who it seems didn't really read it, or understand it on any level. Worse then useless criticism and praise, did anyone else get that from this judge? 




 
Sorry for the incredibly late reply! I also experienced this with judge 1795 in the Microfiction contest. Although I thought his positive comment was funny, his needs work comment definitely showed he did not understand the story.
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