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Suave View Drop Down
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    Posted: 10 Jun 2020 at 9:06pm
I love reading everyone's feedback without having to search it out.
I get a lot of info just from reading others, and what they think about
it.
So, I will start!

fairy tale - A baby - Allergies.

I found the judges gave me very good feedback, mostly stuff I was 
already thinking about, but they gave it a more in-depth look with
ways of fixing it - very nice!
 
Then we come to one judge - 1691 - this judge gave one 
sentence, non helpful comments for both good and bad - strange
after the other judges feedback. In the needs work this judge mention
he was distracted by some typos without pointing them out and that
was the feedback, lol, thanks for nothing 1691!

''THE GIFT OF THE MEADOW'' by Suave

 WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 

{1795}  You have a lot of story in this small number of pages that carry a good skeleton for a fun film. Think more about where you can go with the visual aspect of the film medium and I think it will be well fleshed-out.

I love the intrigue towards the end of the piece and you have a clear concept of your cast of characters that will play nicely on screen. 

 

{1689}  I love the depth of feeling that forms the backbone of your story: the connection between Blossom and Lucius is a breath-taking delight. Nice clean set up. Good idea to have Lucius require a sacrifice from Edward in order to give him an heir: the fact that the sacrifice is hay fever is perfect. Strong choice to have Lucius die before the newborn babe comes into the world--and I love the task given to Blossom of bringing all the blossoms to the bedside of the newly born child.  


{1691}  I liked the world building and overall recreation of the medieval time. Overall I was invested in the story. 


 WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 

{1795}  If the king did not mean to threaten Lucius, then I don't understand the point in wasting words and page space to say that "if" it was  threat and so on. Just say what it is or isn't and then keep the story going. This isn't a short story or a novel. It's a film. Structure it so that the production crew knows what you want and knows how you see this coming together.

Try to hide your exposition a little better in the dialogue or simply in the shot. We already know the king likes to show his power in the villages when he rides through without caring about his people in the way. So we don't need Lucius to tell us that the king loves reminding villagers who is boss. You've already done that work for us. 


{1689}  As I say above, I love the connection between Lucius and Blossom. Now trust that connection even more and use it to simplify and clarify your story. Here are some ideas to get you started: ONE -- Tighten the bargaining scene with Lucius and Edward. Make it clear why this day is special. TWO -- Simplify and clarify the purpose of the amulet and the hay fever. All this to make him allergic to a bee sting? THREE -- Most importantly, find ways to replace the dialogue between Lucius and Blossom with action. Make sure that action reveals the sacrifice required of Lucius to bring this child into being. Wrap up that end of the story: is the new babe to be Blossom's new love? A new wizard for the kingdom? A shadow reincarnation of Lucius? FOUR -- Consider hinting at the fact that reigning in Edward's evil tendencies has cost Lucius something--and perhaps Blossom, as well.  You can make room for these changes, by tightening scenes: for example--just have Blossom arrive with the blossoms--because she must. You write wonderfully, so I hope you will keep working on this story. Good luck!  


{1691}  This could have used a proofread before sending in, as there were a few distracting typos.



Edited by Suave - 10 Jun 2020 at 9:09pm
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dcontarato View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dcontarato Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jun 2020 at 9:30pm
Hey Suave!

I started a similar thread within the review subforum, and there are several replies already. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote gjpnewdick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jun 2020 at 9:31pm
Hello heatmate, pretty gutted for the both of us. Think it was a tough heat for sure, some strong scripts! 

Yeah 1691’s negative for me was really odd because I could have sworn I revised that and reuploaded with (V.O) featured. Can see what you mean with yours... a little snobbish haha! 

Here’s mine: 

''The Recapturing of Josefa Castillo'' by Gregory Newdick -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1795}  I enjoy the addition of Spanish throughout the piece so that we at least still get a good dose of culture, even though it is an English language film.  {1689}  I love the sweet connection between Eduardo and Alejandra. Good idea to have Eduardo decide this is the moment that Alejandra must hear the tale. Strong choice to have Selina choose to see what may pain her because it's the right thing to do.  {1691}  This was a really interesting script. It reminded me of some of the old anthology movies that Disney used to do when budgets were tight during World War II particularly Fun and Fancy Free, which had Edgar Bergen telling the story of Jack and the Beanstalk to a little girl. I liked the way Spanish was used as well.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1795}  Give some time for Alejandra to be excited about the prospect of the story before Eduardo says he can't wait to read the story to her. Otherwise, it just seems too convenient that this particular book falls from the shelf, Alejandra care enough to pick it up and Eduardo just needs to read it to her.  {1689}  Build on the fact that this is the moment Alejandra must hear the story. Let the story play out more quickly so that Alejandra has time at the end of the story to make her own contribution. Consider using narration only at the beginning and end. Most importantly, make sure to connect Alejandra to Josefa not only through the photograph, but through how she moves through the world and what she means to the family.  {1691}  When Eduardo is telling the story, it wasn't clear to me if he was present or if we only heard his voiceover. Simply adding (V.O.) to his dialogue would fix this.


Pretty encouraging for a first script, although when you’re not in the top 8, you kinda expect a bit more reason why? I dunno, hard to describe my emotions towards this results stage of things. 


Forum’s been great though, can’t knock that one bit. 

SC2020 R1 H21 Fairy-Tale THE RECAPTURING OF JOSEFA CASTILLO
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dcontarato Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jun 2020 at 9:32pm
And lots of praise already for 1689, which I got as well! And he/she gave you 4 points, not the usual 2! LOL

Edited by dcontarato - 10 Jun 2020 at 9:32pm
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Suave View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jun 2020 at 9:34pm
Originally posted by dcontarato dcontarato wrote:

Hey Suave!

I started a similar thread within the review subforum, and there are several replies already. 

Yeah, I saw that after I posted this. The trouble over there is it will get pushed out of sight soon as people repost their stories with feedback. When I started it in the short story I had sicky permissions as the guy doing the master list which kept it at the top. I posted mine in yours as well.


Edited by Suave - 10 Jun 2020 at 9:41pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jun 2020 at 9:39pm
Originally posted by gjpnewdick gjpnewdick wrote:

Hello heatmate, pretty gutted for the both of us. Think it was a tough heat for sure, some strong scripts! 

Yeah 1691’s negative for me was really odd because I could have sworn I revised that and reuploaded with (V.O) featured. Can see what you mean with yours... a little snobbish haha! 

Here’s mine: 

Pretty encouraging for a first script, although when you’re not in the top 8, you kinda expect a bit more reason why? I dunno, hard to describe my emotions towards this results stage of things. 


Forum’s been great though, can’t knock that one bit. 


They never tell you why you did not advance or place HM - just think there were 30
some odd other stories so they had to pick some, and we were not they, haha.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dcontarato Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jun 2020 at 9:50pm
Originally posted by Suave Suave wrote:

Originally posted by dcontarato dcontarato wrote:

Hey Suave!

I started a similar thread within the review subforum, and there are several replies already. 

Yeah, I saw that after I posted this. The trouble over there is it will get pushed out of sight soon as people repost their stories with feedback. When I started it in the short story I had sicky permissions as the guy doing the master list which kept it at the top. I posted mine in yours as well.

Ouch! Didn’t think of that Confused

And didn’t remember it was you who gave me the idea from Short Story! It’s very useful.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Patrickjprice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2020 at 6:24am
I can’t really imagine getting much better feedback, so surprised/confused not to have made it to round 2. Not to discredit anyone - good luck to all those moving forward!!

''Escape'' by Patrick Price -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1943}  I really enjoyed this clever, exciting screenplay. The characterization of Tom was outstanding. I loved the chase, as we thought he was a young man with a learning disability. The ending was very clever. The fact Tom had all the toys that were involved in his adventure was ingenious. The fact he asked if he was going to jail was heartbreaking. This was very entertaining - great job!  {1555}  Tom trying to make sense of Brendan's violence through his toys and his friendship with May is wrenching, but is a perfect premise for this satisfying short. The vignette of abuse and his imaginative means of protecting his mother linger with the reader for quite some time.  {1543}  The reveal that Tom is actually a little boy is perfectly played, both when it's revealed, and the clues that hint that something isn't quite right with what's happening. The first big clue is that Tom's bag is full of five-pound notes, rather than a bigger denomination; May's ability to hold onto the rope is a bigger clue. Tom's chase scene is full of tropes to show what he thinks a real chase is like.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1943}  I thought your screenplay was excellent, and extremely clever. I would maybe think about not making Tom's exploits in the chase quite so extreme. We root for him and it's very exciting, but it becomes rather far-fetched, which we later realize is because it's imaginary. I started thinking that it was just a kids' game, and it felt that it lagged at that point. Maybe you could cut it back a little, in terms of length and in terms of the plot.  {1555}  It's hard to find any fault with this script. In future drafts, perhaps continue to link Tom with May --- while much of his derring-do is explained by the pile of his toys sitting in his room, it's less clear how real-world May and Tom's fantasy May are matched.  {1543}  The abusive language and parental violence will make it difficult for some people to watch. Presenting Tom as an adult, instead of a child, will help for a lot of it, because he will appear less helpless than he is. It's okay to represent these situations, just be aware that it just won't be an appealing story for some people (which is also okay!).
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2020 at 7:04am
Originally posted by Patrickjprice Patrickjprice wrote:

I can’t really imagine getting much better feedback, so surprised/confused not to have made it to round 2. Not to discredit anyone - good luck to all those moving forward!!


Once you have entered these contests long enough it gets so that nothing surprises 
you with the judging, haha.  That said, the feedback has improved vastly, and that 
having also no been said, these contests have exploded in size, so we are getting 
what I would think are a higher caliber of writers, so that even what the judges 
praise as great works are out done - what I am trying to say here is that even 
though they loved your entry, there may have been many really good entries they 
were judging, and they had to pick just 5 per heat.  Like you, I had some good 
feedback, but also some really good advice, but did not advance - sigh.
Keep trying!  What does not kill you makes you better! 
 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Birdie Num Num Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jun 2020 at 7:47am
is anyone else still waiting for feedback?
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