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OnyxLily View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote OnyxLily Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Nov 2019 at 4:32am
Feedback (Score: 2)

''The Scorch'' by Renee Boyer 
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY
{1921}  This story has all the great elements that make up an example of the action/adventure genre. I really like how you built the world as well, you included just the right amount of detail. With only 1,000 words, you did a great job making sure they all count!  
{1927}  A simple, but engaging story. The prose immediately pulls us into this world. It's rich in description and good use of the sense of sound. The woman's desire to find water is relatable. The sociology of this world is easy to comprehend. Topped off nicely with a great closing line.  
{1774}  This is a fantastically captivating story. Fraught with intrigue and suspense, The Scorch feels like a greater work or even a series. Your backdrop and the ravaged state of society lay a foundation for riveting, life-threatening encounters. Great action with well-developed characters; makes for a fun read.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 
{1921}  Not much to say beyond basic spelling and grammar issues, kudos!  
{1927}  Would like to know more what the woman is feeling. Especially when she comes in contact with a child. Does the child spark any memories? Would have liked a hint more of the woman's history. 
 {1774}  Consider having the woman introduce herself to Nev so the reader learns her name. Also, she seems so strong and sensible; share glimpses of her pre-Scorch life--what she did for work (any military training?), her family, etc. Think about offering the reader some insight into the woman's plan if others come for Nev.
A Ship in the Woods Micro19 R1
The Scorch FF19 C2
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Anansi View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Anansi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Nov 2019 at 8:09am
Flash Fiction Challenge 2, Group 80 (14 Points)


Forum Link:


Crime Caper / A Video Arcade / An Inflatable Mattress


WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 

{1909}  This story is original and well written. The dialogue particularly shines and sells the premise. 
 
{1942}  A heist being committed by characters from another world is unique and smart. Readers will have fun following them on their journey.  

{1812}  Loved this story! A very creative crime caper with loveable characters and a nice touch of humor. There are surprise twists and turns and a lot of story to tell, yet it all works together nicely. Well developed characters too, that will connect with readers. A pleasure to read! 

 WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -

{1909}  At times the dialogue was difficult to follow. This story moves very fast, and there were some moments when I had to pause and reread passages.  

{1942}  The goal to defeat a great evil is interesting. If this was the ultimate goal, perhaps give insight if failure impacted only their world or if this evil was something to destroy all worlds.  

{1812}  The only suggestion I have to improve this story is to tighten up the narrative. Action verbs make a much stronger impact; for example, ``Police helicopters circled (were circling) overhead. And try to avoid beginning sentences with ``There was`` For example, ``(There was) A bouncy castle caught their eye.`` This statement fits better with the sentence that follows.



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Nov 2019 at 9:56pm
bump
SSP R1 Harbinger's War
FFC R2 HAUNTED
https://bit.ly/32r9dq9 MF A Knock at the Door
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justmel View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote justmel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Nov 2019 at 10:47pm
I'm satisfied with the judges' assessment of my story, but I wish their "needs to improve" advice were a little more geared toward improving my writing as a whole, rather than focusing specifically on this story, which I might never come back to. 
 

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY –

{1689}  Great capture of conflicting desires as Maddy wants Michael hug Andy Bear and all he wants to do is kick back and enjoy pirates doing battle. Powerful moment when Michael loses it and hurls Andy onto the boat which promptly explodes and sinks. Strong dialogue and action as Eric and Michael bicker over the best way to proceed: I especially love the sidebar argument about who's the "favorite." 

{1919}  The Pirates of Penance is a genuinely funny crime caper with a wonderful and realistic depiction of sibling dynamics. Their dialogue and interactions ring true to life. 

{1504}  The voice seem realistic for someone who's thirteen. I like the clever title. Maddy's finally getting her bear again is satisfying. 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK –

{1689}  Don't change much as your story is working very well. But, though in a way I love the idea that Maddy solves her own problem simply by befriending the security guard, I want you to at least consider letting Michael's and Eric's efforts coming to fruition. Whatever you do, don't touch your ending: it's perfect. 

{1919}  You might try to raise the stakes. Is Michael already in trouble for something and the loss of the bear will certainly get him grounded in the hotel room for the rest of the Vegas trip? Does he set off an alarm trying to sneak into the employee entrance? Perhaps they have to bribe the security guard for help, rather than have him offer it so readily. There could be a lot of fun ways to explore this. 

{1504}  It takes suspension of disbelief that the children wouldn't have had more supervision. I think it would provide an opportunity for more humor when the parents questioned them about things when they checked on them. Instead of having Michael wonder what the man tied to the mast was saying, consider having him yell at Mandy that he couldn't hear what he said.

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CathyM View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote CathyM Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Nov 2019 at 11:01pm

Received 14 points Wahoo! Did not advance since my Lucky Lucy did not score any points.

''Angel Among Us'' by Cathy Missinne -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1906}  This story was immensely readable, with a strong concept, compelling voice, and surprising and satisfying ending.  {1597}  I liked the parallels in the story, with the two sets of twins in different times. I liked how Emily was able to use her medical knowledge in order to help someone in the past. I liked how the men left a message for her by writing on the picture.  {1702}  One of this story's most apparent strengths is how much thoughtfulness was put into the narrative. For instance, as I was reading, I wondered why Emily was able to talk to William without Rose noticing--and then I remembered that she'd been sent off to another room. The story's follow-through is again apparent when you see the results of Emily's medical efforts in the picture. The details in this story are tightly knit. 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1906}  The only thing I might suggest is a little more skepticism from Emily when she first meets William. She might deep down know that this is what she is meant to do, but she likely would not accept it as readily.  {1597}  I think the beginning could be shortened a little bit so you could spend more time on Emily's reactions at the end of the story. I also think Rose needs a stronger role - she is kind of just in the background, and the women don't seem as close as twins as the men are. I think there needs to be a bit more of an explanation as to why the can opener transports her the way it does.  {1702}  I wanted this story to say something deeper. Right now, it just seems like a well put together story with a seemingly happy ending. There's a small detail that Enoch is in "a grey uniform." He's likely a Confederate Civil War soldier. This could have been an incredibly interesting opportunity to explore what happens when a medical professional, obligated to help people, encounters someone she might have qualms about helping.

Additionally, under what circumstances do these two women have permission to go into an auction house and just take stuff? Also, what kind of BnB decorations is this mom on the lookout for?



Edited by CathyM - 09 Nov 2019 at 11:02pm
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