NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > GENERAL DISCUSSION > Screenwriting Bar & Lounge
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Our feedback, and what you think of it.
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

Our feedback, and what you think of it.

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  12>
Author
Message
Suave View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 25 Jan 2015
Location: Thailand
Status: Offline
Points: 6281
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Our feedback, and what you think of it.
    Posted: 10 Jan 2019 at 11:13am
R2 G2 Horror

The judges seem to want a whole lot more from me, and in only 5 pages to boot.  The liked seemed upbeat, the not so much really went into detail, but they seem to want so much out of the script.  I was aiming at the B market horror, guess they don't watch any of that.  Next time!

''NEVER WALK WILLINGLY INTO THE LIGHT''  -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1836}  The rules are clear and the reveal is communicated well.  {1772}  The screenplay has active and vivid writing that helps to create each scene in the reader's mind.  {1688}  The tension in the first half of the script is palpable, and you've created a fully fledged and detailed atmosphere and setting. The underlying theme of your script - being trapped in your own body and knowing what happens after death before you die - is really a fantastic horror subject to explore. It's so accessible and understood by everyone, any audience will be afraid of that and wonder what is coming for them upon their passing. You've chosen a great clay to mould from.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1836}  There isn't a lot of conflict.  Try exploring ways for Mike to try and overcome his situation instead of just helplessly succumbing to it.  The stakes don't seem very high because the black void out right tells you what awaits Mike.  Teasing that out could also help raise the tension.  {1772}  It is unclear why Mike is the one being punished, when the other men seem to be more devious and deserving. Developing Mike from the beginning might help. Is he a "good" person? Has he done anything in his life that he regrets? Is there anyway to escape the black circle? Giving a little more about his inner needs and conflict might help shape his character a little more for the reader.  {1688}  This almost feels like two completely different films, the fraternity initiation and the death of Mike. This disjointed feel is added to by the black circle, which fails to be foreboding and simply feels like an overly simplistic method of depicting the notion of Hell. The anticipation and tense mood of the first half melted away during the second, and the mother collapsing on her son as he dies felt cliche and unnecessary. The idea of being trapped in your own body is a great horror theme to explore, but here it felt ordinary and wasn't depicted in a unique or fresh way. It also felt odd that after introducing a whopping seven characters in only the first page, the script suddenly jumps and attaches to one of them for the rest of the film... Why? How is your audience to know that this is your main character? More development of these characters is needed for better understanding and emotional investment in their fates.


Edited by Suave - 10 Jan 2019 at 11:19am
Back to Top
Sponsored Links


Back to Top
Zblugg View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 25 Apr 2017
Location: Cantley, Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 3190
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Zblugg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jan 2019 at 11:43am
Same deal here: do more in same space. But I get what they mean. I actually agree with everything, which might push me to revisit this one, make it bigger, wetter, better.

Funny thing is, none of them picked up on a Japanese man in the 50s using a fork... LOL

''Dansu No Neko'' 
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{1569}  This screenplay hearkens back to a tragic and traumatic period in history, when pollution was largely unregulated, and it reminds of the dangers. The children chasing cats was visually compelling and that image was used to show a passage of time and degradation of the environment as well as the health of both children and cats - which was very well done.  

{1812}  This is an interesting screenplay with a well developed plot. Mayuko's character is sympathetic while Kewnichi makes a good villain. The story ends with a satisfying resolution when Karma takes its revenge on Kenichi. I especially like how the opening scene of the children innocently chasing the cats comes back full circle at the end to be the cause behind the illness.  

{1628}  Excellent choice-- lilttle-known Japanese environmental disaster is great springboard for the story. Good portayal of patriarchal dominated Japanese marriage of the period.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK 

{1569}  The opening should read "Dialog is in Japanese with subtitles" and then, no Japanese should be included in dialog. Write it all in English.

The mercury poison revelation coming over the radio as dialog felt a little long, expository and on-the-nose.

Kenichi felt inauthentic in that he was so villainous as to not care about his child or his wife. His living in his office felt plot rather than character driven. Perhaps softening or in some other way humanizing him at least a little might make him more believable.  

{1812}  When writing a screenplay show the action rather than tell about it. For example, try including a scene of the doctor on the telephone explaining to Kenichi about the illness. And to add more drama to the screenplay, show Mayuko tending to their sick child as her illness worsens. The ending doesn't explain whether Ayami is getting better or worse, or whether her mother is taking her to see the doctor. Try to tie up this loose end in the story.  

{1628}  Unclear if Mayuko is simply feeding Kenichi sleeping pills or if it's poison - as he's being poisoned by the shellfish anyway.  Avoid passive verbs -"run" instead of "are running."
SSP C1 Dog Eat Dog
SSP C2 Dansu No Neko
Back to Top
wateringcan View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Regular
NYC Midnight Regular


Joined: 23 Jan 2018
Status: Offline
Points: 299
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote wateringcan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2019 at 5:38am
My feedback's pretty scathing (but well deserved!) I hated this story so (for once) I think they're being a little too kind. I guess the only problem is I don't really learn from it because if I was going to write that story over I ... wouldn't ...

''The Beginning'' by Sarah Glenister -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1651}  I enjoyed that there was this double twist of espionage. You don't know who to trust in this story. The pacing of the story felt urgent and exciting to read.  {1640}  Your dialog is good, it sounds real and appropriate to each character. Everyone was an individual with their own attitude and agenda. Fast paced, tense and had lots of action.  {1635}  The twist, that Cassandra and Martin aren't lovers but agents working to sabotage a power plant, is well-observed and credible, and the rest of the plot twists (except for the very last one) feel authentic as well.  That Robbie is sacrificed for the Greater Good establishes the stakes effectively, and Chris as the lone uninvolved party is a nice touch.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1651}  You need to reveal a bit more about what's going on in this story for us to (1) understand it and (2) enjoy it. Why was Robbie a target? Why was Martin a target? Why was Cassie only detained? It seems like no one had planned to be in the house that night..or, did they? I'd give more hints about the backstory. Give us something to ground the story.  {1640}  I found this a very confusing read. Cassandra and Martin are terrorists? What did they want with Robbie? Does he work at a power plant they want access to? If he was the mark then why were they unhappy that he came home?  How long had she been married to him? How long had they been planning this? The ending doesn't resolve any questions it just adds more.  Sorry but your plot needs clarifying.  {1635}  The very end collapses; someone on the inside of Homeland Security/NSA/whatever is operating Cassandra and intentionally got her caught by screwing up her mission (and killing her husband in the process) because...?  This is Red Sparrow-level deep cover, and it wasn't convincing there, either.
Back to Top
DBA Lehane View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2010
Location: London, UK
Status: Offline
Points: 2476
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DBA Lehane Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2019 at 7:11am
As I've written elsewhere, my poor scoring first round script got far more positive feedback from the judges, than my 13 point scoring second script.

In fact, my current judges feedback is the most scathing I've had here in almost 9 years - albeit for something that scored 13 points and sent me through.

It was clear one of the judges was having a bad day, as they moaned in my feedback about the lack of conext in many of the screenplays they had read. Not sure that was something that should be included in someone's individual feedback.

Oh well, judging has always been inconsistent here. Not a surprise when they recruit judges from Craigslist.
FFC15 4th placed finalist / SSC14 & SSC16 finalist
Back to Top
Suave View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 25 Jan 2015
Location: Thailand
Status: Offline
Points: 6281
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2019 at 8:06am
Originally posted by DBA Lehane DBA Lehane wrote:

As I've written elsewhere, my poor scoring first round script got far more positive feedback from the judges, than my 13 point scoring second script.

In fact, my current judges feedback is the most scathing I've had here in almost 9 years - albeit for something that scored 13 points and sent me through.

It was clear one of the judges was having a bad day, as they moaned in my feedback about the lack of conext in many of the screenplays they had read. Not sure that was something that should be included in someone's individual feedback.

Oh well, judging has always been inconsistent here. Not a surprise when they recruit judges from Craigslist.


Despite what the judges gripped about on mine I think my lack of skill with dialog is what cooked mine, I think the judges enjoy screwing with us.
Back to Top
JeffreyHowe View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 02 May 2017
Location: Missouri
Status: Online
Points: 1436
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote JeffreyHowe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2019 at 6:05pm
I have raised an eyebrow at some comments in the past, but this rounds' notes made perfect sense to me.

One judge said I needed more description in a few spots and another said the description was great as is. That tells me I've tightened the description to the point where some (but not all) readers get lost along the way: if I could go five 1/8 pages it would likely be fine with everyone. 

Another said the strangeness of the horror made it feel almost like parody, and that's fair: I think horror and comedy are the conjoined twins of genre, and the effect often comes down to the interpretation given (and the audience). 


SSC2018:
CH1 G25 Noble Rot-15 pts
CH2 Cultivar-14 pts
CH3 G2 Unbalanced Diet
Back to Top
trish1206 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 25 Mar 2011
Location: Philly area
Status: Offline
Points: 179
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote trish1206 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2019 at 8:10pm
Originally posted by DBA Lehane DBA Lehane wrote:

As I've written elsewhere, my poor scoring first round script got far more positive feedback from the judges, than my 13 point scoring second script.

In fact, my current judges feedback is the most scathing I've had here in almost 9 years - albeit for something that scored 13 points and sent me through.

It was clear one of the judges was having a bad day, as they moaned in my feedback about the lack of conext in many of the screenplays they had read. Not sure that was something that should be included in someone's individual feedback.

Oh well, judging has always been inconsistent here. Not a surprise when they recruit judges from Craigslist.

This is my experience, as well.  Not exactly scathing, but not as positive as the score might imply.  It's a head-scratcher.  And not the first time my feedback has seemed contrary to the results.


3rd Place Finalist FF2013
Back to Top
manifestlynot View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 02 Jan 2018
Status: Online
Points: 1170
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote manifestlynot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2019 at 8:44pm
Mine was fair. At first I was put off by my 7 points because I thought it was a decent comedy, but the judges brought up the non-development of my main character (used up development space on an auxiliary character) and the middling score made sense.

I will say that the feedback is much more sparse than I’ve had in the past, even in challenge 1. Mostly one-sentence statements, both positive and negative, and sentence fragments. Perhaps I’ve been spoiled in the past with effusive, lengthy comments!
SSC Ch3: Lights Out
2018 Screenplay Contest Finals: 4th place
Back to Top
lisafox10800 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2016
Location: NJ
Status: Offline
Points: 6101
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lisafox10800 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2019 at 8:47pm
I basically had a three-way split among my judges. One loved my script, one thought there was "no story," and the third was just confused. I feel very lucky to have scored the points I did. Split decisions are often the kiss of death here.
Back to Top
haole View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Newbie
NYC Midnight Newbie


Joined: 18 Sep 2014
Status: Offline
Points: 53
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote haole Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Jan 2019 at 1:36am
For me, the feedback from all the judges in both rounds was very good, and helped my second round score be better than my first round. That was very good, because I wasn't quite as enamored with the forum feedback as I have been in the past, and I don't feel any of that was particularly helpful (which is why I never posted my second entry).

I appreciate the time these judges took, particularly in this specific contest, to read and react to our writing.

3rd Round Entry: Exposing Moretti's
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  12>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 12.01
Copyright ©2001-2018 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.063 seconds.