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MF100 Failed and First Drafts?

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CamsynClair View Drop Down
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    Posted: 21 Jun 2022 at 12:42pm
I promised I'd make this thread if no one else did first, so here I am LOL A couple folks on the title + first 3 words thread said it would be fun to post first drafts/discarded ideas. I'm in G21 (suspense/thriller, turning off an alarm, hunt) and had an idea for a changeling story that I realized only after drafting and cutting to just over 100 words that nothing suspenseful/thrilling happened in the story and was only implied, and I decided that was a bit too much of a stretch.

Then I thought back to how one forum member shared on a genre thread a while ago that they wished Western were a genre, and I whole heartedly agree! So I made a horse story instead. Here's the absolute word soup my poor early betas got, and the final version is in my signature! Thank you, betas!!


* * *


Group 21: Suspense/thriller, turning off an alarm, hunt


A Layman's Guide to Foxhunting 

(That's the old title that I also replaced after changing my story up some)


Foxhunting should sound like howling dogs and thundering hooves and feel like clinging onto your horse for dear life and taste like mud and sweat and smell like iron and leather and look like fields endless enough to disappear in.

It shouldn’t sound like alarm bells in your head that you silence even as the hounds lead you further off course or feel like your heart in your stomach pounding so hard it tastes like bile in your throat and smells like decaying flesh and looks what you assure yourself was just a lure even after they cover the body.


Edited by CamsynClair - 21 Jun 2022 at 3:07pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jayscottink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Jun 2022 at 2:54pm
I've gotta save my first drafts. This time around, what I started with didn't change all that much, but my round 1 story....*that* first draft was a *disaster*.
Ladysmith (M100 R2, Hist Fic)
Heart-Burst (FF R1, Horror)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote CamsynClair Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Jun 2022 at 3:15pm
Originally posted by jayscottink jayscottink wrote:

I've gotta save my first drafts. This time around, what I started with didn't change all that much, but my round 1 story....*that* first draft was a *disaster*.

The beta process was the only reason I saved my drafts--an unexpected perk of sending my drafts out as word docs is that the very first version got saved LOL I super super appreciated your beta feedback--knowing that this version had potential but was hard to get through really made me go back to the drawing board to figure out how to make it comprehensible without losing the pace. And your story! Since you'd already finished it by the time I signed up for betas, I hadn't read it yet, and no exaggeration that it's one of the most impactful stories I've read here. I can't wait to see even more of your work in the future!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote CrayolaSmoker Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Jun 2022 at 6:59pm
I don't have any first drafts, as saving iterations hasn't been part of my process (it likely will be from here on out). However, I have the three other stories I drafted prior to coming up with my actual entry. I present them here, in order of creation. I actually kinda love the first one, and had my category been drama or open I think I'd have polished it a bit further and submitted it. Unfortunately, given that I was 5 hours from midnight when I realized it didn't read as "comedy," I pivoted and fleshed out two other concepts from my brainstorming. (My actual entry borrowed a scoche from early ideas, but was basically made of last-minute flop-sweat.)

Group 26: Comedy | Shaking | cheap

Sport

My life before is lingering whiffs of forgotten memories.

I cycle through facilities, watching “perfect” children get adopted by “matching” families while my unspecified heritage lingers. There’s familiar discomfort in the cheap bedding, cheap food, and cheaper platitudes - “There’s always tomorrow, Sport.”

I hate “Sport.”

So I watch. I learn what works. Sit still. Stay calm. Speak only when spoken to.

Nothing.

Until a young, blonde interviewer crouches and holds out her hand.

“Hi, I’m Rachel.”

I reach out with uncertainty. Tentatively, I graze her fingers.

She grasps, plunging up-and-down.

“Gooood booooy! MOM! Over here!”

My tail wags.


Group 26: Comedy | Shaking | cheap

Krafty

He was shaken as she stirred the pot, 6 years of post-mortem and 6 minutes of blue-box bubbles threatening to boil over.

“Bullsh*t! Nonna Jean always followed directions.”

“Then why’s it never taste right, Gabe? We tried all percents milk, half-and-half, and heavy cream. She broke rules somewhere. Drain this.”

Macaroni splashed. The can opener whirred.

“Gramps wouldn’t let Nonna buy cream cheese. No way she smuggled in coconut milk!”

“They honeymooned in Hawaii,” Mara dished up.

“And he was still too cheap to get her Macadamia nuts!”

“Just try it.”

Food hits palette. Eyes widen.

“Nonna Jean, you sneak!”



Group 26: Comedy | Shaking | cheap

A lifespan in shaken memories

  • The gravel road jostle signaling arrival at Nonna Jean’s home of PB+banana sandwiches.

  • Slurping store-brand vanilla ice cream through a straw after Timmy broke my jaw (on accident).

  • Sharing Timmy’s java chip ice cream through sobs after Jenny broke my heart (on purpose).

  • The meaty handshake of the community college Dean as I crossed the stage (Cum Laude).

  • Eve, the red-headed bartender mixing my third complimentary margarita.

  • Her rabbit (Cum loudlé).

  • Eve, the ample-curved bride gyrating in tune to our DJ - Spotify.

  • “Moms! Look at the trick we taught Roscoe” (the rescue).

  • The rumble preceding our cheap condo’s collapse.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kali42 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Jun 2022 at 10:46pm
This is the third story I wrote for mine. I didn't even bother to ask betas if they thought it was decent as I thought it was a bit too niche. Group 2 Drama / petting a cat / lush

Becca steeled herself to follow her mom into the most painful store in the mall. In her pocket she clutched Lionel, a purple cat made of rabbit fur and stuffed with goose feathers. 


Autism


"Welcome to Lush! Would you like to smell our new bathbombs?"


Act normal.


She smiled at the employee and shook her head. 


Waves of scent threatened to drown her as they crashed all around. The bright lights buzzed into her brain. She ached to slide her earphones on but her mom wouldn't approve.


Act normal.


She stroked Lionel. The soft familiarity easy to focus on. 


Act normal.




Edited by Kali42 - 21 Jun 2022 at 10:46pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote samanthadunne Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2022 at 9:42pm
Ahhh, yes!!! I'm glad you did because I was going to but then got swamped with work. Glad this thread exists! :) 

I also played around with different ideas/stories, CrayolaSmoker! 

The betas really helped make it less of a chaotic mess, that's for sure.   

First draft below, final in the signature: 


My prompts were: Drama / Strolling / Mass

“Thyme After Time” or “A Place to Put a Park”

They don’t see us, the families strolling through sun-stained summer air.

Memories of our massacre once marked by white plastic pieces embedded in Earth have long since sunk in a town tattooed by tragedy. Our fates faded in the Mexican feather grass.

A transplant parachutes a picnic blanket, smoothing it out across our souls. She tosses a frisbee to her daughter. It catches between two foxtail lilies, landing on Unknown. The daughter finds a wrinkled woman fishing the frisbee out of the garden.

The woman knows Unknown, caught in grief surrounded by the glow of life in a forgetful world.  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote CamsynClair Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2022 at 1:09pm
Originally posted by CrayolaSmoker CrayolaSmoker wrote:

I don't have any first drafts, as saving iterations hasn't been part of my process (it likely will be from here on out). However, I have the three other stories I drafted prior to coming up with my actual entry. I present them here, in order of creation. I actually kinda love the first one, and had my category been drama or open I think I'd have polished it a bit further and submitted it. Unfortunately, given that I was 5 hours from midnight when I realized it didn't read as "comedy," I pivoted and fleshed out two other concepts from my brainstorming. (My actual entry borrowed a scoche from early ideas, but was basically made of last-minute flop-sweat.)

Group 26: Comedy | Shaking | cheap

Sport

My life before is lingering whiffs of forgotten memories.

I cycle through facilities, watching “perfect” children get adopted by “matching” families while my unspecified heritage lingers. There’s familiar discomfort in the cheap bedding, cheap food, and cheaper platitudes - “There’s always tomorrow, Sport.”

I hate “Sport.”

So I watch. I learn what works. Sit still. Stay calm. Speak only when spoken to.

Nothing.

Until a young, blonde interviewer crouches and holds out her hand.

“Hi, I’m Rachel.”

I reach out with uncertainty. Tentatively, I graze her fingers.

She grasps, plunging up-and-down.

“Gooood booooy! MOM! Over here!”

My tail wags.


Group 26: Comedy | Shaking | cheap

Krafty

He was shaken as she stirred the pot, 6 years of post-mortem and 6 minutes of blue-box bubbles threatening to boil over.

“Bullsh*t! Nonna Jean always followed directions.”

“Then why’s it never taste right, Gabe? We tried all percents milk, half-and-half, and heavy cream. She broke rules somewhere. Drain this.”

Macaroni splashed. The can opener whirred.

“Gramps wouldn’t let Nonna buy cream cheese. No way she smuggled in coconut milk!”

“They honeymooned in Hawaii,” Mara dished up.

“And he was still too cheap to get her Macadamia nuts!”

“Just try it.”

Food hits palette. Eyes widen.

“Nonna Jean, you sneak!”



Group 26: Comedy | Shaking | cheap

A lifespan in shaken memories

  • The gravel road jostle signaling arrival at Nonna Jean’s home of PB+banana sandwiches.

  • Slurping store-brand vanilla ice cream through a straw after Timmy broke my jaw (on accident).

  • Sharing Timmy’s java chip ice cream through sobs after Jenny broke my heart (on purpose).

  • The meaty handshake of the community college Dean as I crossed the stage (Cum Laude).

  • Eve, the red-headed bartender mixing my third complimentary margarita.

  • Her rabbit (Cum loudlé).

  • Eve, the ample-curved bride gyrating in tune to our DJ - Spotify.

  • “Moms! Look at the trick we taught Roscoe” (the rescue).

  • The rumble preceding our cheap condo’s collapse.


I completely forgot that I'd made this thread, then when I got antsy waiting for R2 results to come out, I remembered it! OMG, your first story!! I absolutely adore it--I hope you sit on this one for the right group of prompts to come around so you can submit it; it's just wonderful! I too created a premise that I really liked before realizing it was far more drama than suspense/thriller. Ugh. I didn't get anywhere near submittable for that one, but I'm going to sit on that idea too. Best of luck in R2!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote CamsynClair Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2022 at 1:19pm
Originally posted by Kali42 Kali42 wrote:

This is the third story I wrote for mine. I didn't even bother to ask betas if they thought it was decent as I thought it was a bit too niche. Group 2 Drama / petting a cat / lush

Becca steeled herself to follow her mom into the most painful store in the mall. In her pocket she clutched Lionel, a purple cat made of rabbit fur and stuffed with goose feathers. 


Autism


"Welcome to Lush! Would you like to smell our new bathbombs?"


Act normal.


She smiled at the employee and shook her head. 


Waves of scent threatened to drown her as they crashed all around. The bright lights buzzed into her brain. She ached to slide her earphones on but her mom wouldn't approve.


Act normal.


She stroked Lionel. The soft familiarity easy to focus on. 


Act normal.



Oooo, I really like this one! I don't think it's too niche, but I'm a sucker for ND stories, so I'm very biased! "She ached to slide her earphones on but her mom wouldn't approve." Oof, I felt that line in my soul. The number of times my mom pulled the earbuds out of my ear and said "Why don't you talk to us instead of listening to that?" I definitely felt for the MC here! Lush is an overwhelming store; I've only been once but I strongly prefer the candle stores and Bath and Body Works. I do love certain smells, but I feel like Lush is a really strange mix of varied smells while the other stores are categorized more nicely, I don't know LOL Thank you for sharing!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote CamsynClair Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2022 at 1:56pm
Originally posted by samanthadunne samanthadunne wrote:

Ahhh, yes!!! I'm glad you did because I was going to but then got swamped with work. Glad this thread exists! :) 

I also played around with different ideas/stories, CrayolaSmoker! 

The betas really helped make it less of a chaotic mess, that's for sure.   

First draft below, final in the signature: 


My prompts were: Drama / Strolling / Mass

“Thyme After Time” or “A Place to Put a Park”

They don’t see us, the families strolling through sun-stained summer air.

Memories of our massacre once marked by white plastic pieces embedded in Earth have long since sunk in a town tattooed by tragedy. Our fates faded in the Mexican feather grass.

A transplant parachutes a picnic blanket, smoothing it out across our souls. She tosses a frisbee to her daughter. It catches between two foxtail lilies, landing on Unknown. The daughter finds a wrinkled woman fishing the frisbee out of the garden.

The woman knows Unknown, caught in grief surrounded by the glow of life in a forgetful world.  

Wow, I love this concept!! And you really made it shine in the final! It's a beautiful piece; best of luck with the results on Wednesday!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote WhistlerCrowe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jul 2022 at 9:17am
I LOVE this thread!! 
With the second round, there were really only minor changes between my first few drafts and my final one. Had some issues deciding between naming my MC "Grim" or "Death".

My first-round story, however, ended up being very different from how my first draft was written. I really want to expand on this world I created. Never thought about writing a dark fantasy erotica series before, but I'm seriously considering it now. LOL 

Rom Com | Using a Public Restroom | Brace

"Love, Lust, and Synthesized Pixie Dust"

They never tell you that Once Upon A Time sometimes starts in the mildewed bathroom of a backwater town’s gas station. The Fairy Godmothers, I mean. You hear about glass slippers and true love’s kiss and magic tears that bring light back to dark eyes but never this

Having had one pint too many at the tavern and making an emergency pit stop for synthesized pixie dust - thank you so much Tinkerbell for forming a strike because Peter grew up - I had to use the facilities. Imagine my surprise when I opened the graffiti phallic emblazoned door and saw the twin black antlers and red-smoke skin of a demon using the urinal with a muscled arm braced against the dirty wall. He turned his head at the creak of the door, our gaze met and I felt a shiver run through me. His ash gray orbs slowly traced my figure. Thank the gods I wore my pushup bra today. I saw him adjust himself and then turn towards me, stalking powerful and tall and so damn tempting.

“Feeling horny, handsome?” I asked, pointedly looking at the massive horns curving above his head.

He smiled and leaned towards me, death-tainted lips claiming mine.


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