NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > GENERAL DISCUSSION > Creative Writing Corner
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Lessons learned from your MF feedback?
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

Lessons learned from your MF feedback?

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1234 5>
Author
Message
hotfish View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Newbie
NYC Midnight Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 27 Apr 2021
Status: Offline
Points: 94
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hotfish Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 6:40pm
After not looking or thinking about my story for two months, I definitely see areas that can be improved. I have worked on several projects in between now and then, so I am looking forward to participating in round two! 

All that said, here is the feedback I received:

''FETCH'' by Apple Jones -     

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2035}  Your attention to detail made the whole moment feel so believable. I particularly loved the idea of the people knowing to paint their wishes on a stone. To me, that signified so much local lore surrounding Sweet Tommy and his stone skipping habits.   {1967}  The sound and image of the stone skipping across a hard wood floor is effective and clear.  {1772}  The story has an original premise. The sweet opening scene takes on a new meaning as the truth of the boy and dog's situation is revealed. Active writing and clear description brings the plot to life.   

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2035}  This piece overall was very strong, so I may be nitpicking when I say that the second-to-last paragraph could be streamlined a little. I had to reread the second sentence in the paragraph to make sure I followed; streamlining or dividing it into two sentences might help.   {1967}  I would request more clarity as to who the people are that are paying tribute and how the puppy bringing the stones back cause wishes to come true. That was not clear to me.  {1772}  It is unclear if Tommy knows that he is fulfilling wishes for the people or if his actions are completely separated from the living world.  It might be worth considering a way to bring the story back to him in the end - what is Tommy's wish and how is it fulfilled or unfulfilled by the crowds?

****

I do agree with 2035's suggestion on tightening up some of the prose. The sentence they mentioned is for sure a little too convoluted! Based on the feedback from 1967 and 1772, it also feels like more explicit / clear-cut ideas will fare better - ambiguity seems to hinder how well a story is received and understood. That said, perhaps the idea was too complex to have 100 words do it justice. LOL
Back to Top
GenieAZ View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2020
Location: Arizona
Status: Offline
Points: 2548
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote GenieAZ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 6:48pm
Originally posted by Nimhathuna Nimhathuna wrote:

"Something that would lift this piece for me would be a bit more context, in the form of world-building," etc. 

My MC is in an execution chamber.
Stuff like that is super cringey (but you made me spit my tea all over my keyboard with your droll take on it!).  I thought your piece was amazing.

For those of us who got helpful feedback, I would love to see if the feedback actually helps improve our stories.  Just me?  It's 100 words... take a shot.  Here is mine (which I confess, I like better).  You be the judge!

JUDGES CRITIQUES
{1943} ...think about making some more adventurous word choices. Maybe you could surprise us as you describe the ocean, or the road ahead?   [ok]
{2008}  There is something very nice about the seemingly implied meanign of this story, but the transition between the first half and the second half of the story seems slightly disjointed. Try to make it smoother by giving the reader slightly more information.  [Sorry...no room for that]
{1935}  The switch to present continuous (-ing) from simple present in the second paragraph throws off the narrative flow just a little bit.    [ok]

ORIGINAL

“My life is so much smaller now,” she marvels.

She hangs two t-shirts and some underwear on a line stretched across her tiny shower.  A few steps, and she is placing a cup, bowl and spoon in the bin that secures them while she is driving. 

At the rear of the van, she stows her chair, shuts the doors, and racks her mountain bike. Stretching, she stares across the wild sea before her, breathing the crisp salt air.  She will be back here.  Someday.

Starting down the endless road, she smiles and thinks, “My life is so much bigger now.”


REWRITE

“My life is so much smaller now,” she marvels.

She hangs two t-shirts and some underwear on a line stretched across her tiny shower.  A few steps, and she places a cup, bowl and spoon in the bin that secures them while she is driving. 

At the rear of the van, she stows her chair, shuts the doors, and racks her mountain bike. She stretches, and stares across the savage sea, crisp salt air on her tongue.  She will be back here.  Someday.

She starts down the endless road, smiles, and thinks, “My life is so much bigger now.”

Back to Top
northernwriter View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2018
Location: Alaska
Status: Offline
Points: 3096
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote northernwriter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 6:58pm

''Widow Shopping'' by Alexandra Otto -


WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY 


- {1995}  Truly laughed out loud at the end. The title gives the clue, but your pacing and timing is so well done, you take the reader all the way to last lines to play out the joke. Well done.   


{1795}  That is priceless. It's not often I actually chuckle to myself while going through these stories but you definitely got me there. Thank you! There is something just wonderfully absurd about this partially demolished house and two guys walking this widow up through the rubble, having done what they believe their duty was by their mom. The image is wonderful and lasting!  


{2115}  Good setup of Maria’s character and the overall premise—and very smooth narration and pacing as you guide us towards the comic reveal of this misunderstanding. You also have a really good grasp of character description and image: the depiction of the widow is comically vivid in detail, and I can see it perfectly. Nice, smooth work here!   


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK 


- {1995}  The only thing I would even suggest adding to this wonderful little comedy is perhaps the widow is weeping. This would just push the comedy even further. 

  

<note: I did, and the judge missed it :)>


{1795}  I'm wondering if there is merit in being more specific about the smell of the burn. Rather than just a cremation burn, why not something like the smell of hot ash off the furnace, or something a little more visceral? Specificity will help that smell to linger in the nose of the reader as well and gives more colour to the writing. It also gives a far greater picture of morbidity with this image of a very recent widow by request showing up at Maria's home.  


{2115}  The confusion is funny for sure. But I think this note needs another beat or two to fully breathe—can you show us how the boys respond? Or do we see the widow speak here at the end? Maria’s exclamation explains what happened, but can you take us a bit further with this joke to really mine it for laughs? Do the boys have a quippy widow comeback? Or do we get a glimpse of Maria’s inner thoughts? You could trim a line or two from the description of the widow if you need extra words to stay under the limit here.


Judge 1795 always gives great feedback, and I can continue to improve in word choice. Thanks, judge! Respectfully disagree with 2115. In 100 words, I wanted to build to the punchline and end there. The room to breathe needs to be with the reader's grasp of the situation. Anything extra would have watered down the joke by over-explaining it. Still, I can't exactly complain about my score; I'm fortunate that my judges "got it" :)




Edited by northernwriter - 22 Jul 2021 at 7:04pm
Microfiction 2021: 4th place overall
Flash Fiction 2020: 8th place overall
Back to Top
HardtobetheBard View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 12 May 2021
Status: Offline
Points: 795
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote HardtobetheBard Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 6:59pm
I think that rewrite works really well! Specific feedback like that is definitely useful.
Back to Top
wisemel View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 21 Jan 2021
Location: Nova Scotia
Status: Offline
Points: 2442
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote wisemel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 7:19pm
Originally posted by GenieAZ GenieAZ wrote:

For those of us who got helpful feedback, I would love to see if the feedback actually helps improve our stories.  Just me?  It's 100 words... take a shot.  Here is mine (which I confess, I like better).  You be the judge!



Great changes! I think you made a great piece even better.
Back to Top
wisemel View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 21 Jan 2021
Location: Nova Scotia
Status: Offline
Points: 2442
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote wisemel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 7:34pm
Originally posted by Nimhathuna Nimhathuna wrote:

For the most part, I got good feedback until I read this line: 

"Something that would lift this piece for me would be a bit more context, in the form of world-building," etc. My MC is in an execution chamber. LOL  It threw me for a loop.

Too funny! One of my judges offered up this feedback: "Why is she so repulsed by this water dripping now/what is its significance?" 

This is the last line of my story: "More water dripped. She smelled copper, touched the stickiness on her skin. Oh God. Not water." I think it's pretty clear why she's feeling repulsed by the "water"? LOL 

Not attempting to be critical of the judge here, just got a chuckle out of this one line. I appreciated my feedback overall. And I would LOVE to know what that judge walked away thinking was going on there. 

Back to Top
Nimhathuna View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 15 Jul 2020
Location: Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 5072
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nimhathuna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 7:54pm
Originally posted by GenieAZ GenieAZ wrote:


For those of us who got helpful feedback, I would love to see if the feedback actually helps improve our stories.  Just me?  It's 100 words... take a shot.  Here is mine (which I confess, I like better).  You be the judge!


Thanks! 

I’m quite partial to gerunds/present participles myself. They shave off words in longer pieces of writing and negate constant pronoun usage. I probably would have held on to one or two in your modified work. However, I like the latter part of your newer attempt from “crisp salt…” onwards. You’re the writer; you know what works better. Smile All the best.



Edited by Nimhathuna - 22 Jul 2021 at 8:06pm
Back to Top
Nimhathuna View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 15 Jul 2020
Location: Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 5072
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nimhathuna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 7:57pm
Originally posted by wisemel wisemel wrote:

Too funny! One of my judges offered up this feedback: "Why is she so repulsed by this water dripping now/what is its significance?" 

This is the last line of my story: "More water dripped. She smelled copper, touched the stickiness on her skin. Oh God. Not water." I think it's pretty clear why she's feeling repulsed by the "water"? LOL 

Not attempting to be critical of the judge here, just got a chuckle out of this one line. I appreciated my feedback overall. And I would LOVE to know what that judge walked away thinking was going on there. 


I got a chuckle with mine too. As for yours, what's difficult to fathom? (I had to keep the water symbolism going). LOL
Back to Top
taaaylor View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 14 Jul 2018
Location: Idaho
Status: Offline
Points: 6946
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote taaaylor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 8:12pm
Here was my feedback:

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{2062}  The end is a bit contradictory. The killer mentions the victim's "delicious fear" but then tells them "not to smile". Why would the person smile if they're terrified? The final line is eerie, but hard to justify logic-wise.  

Lol this judge taught me to listen to my smart writer friends who already pointed that out, but I got a bit lazy and decided it would probably be fine because it felt ~dramatic~ ;)

{2117}  TI'm not sure the way you worked in the prompt, "filter" worked. It's a little confusing why he would need to use a filter, especially when using a Victorian camera, just because the subject had a beard.  The line about using the wires is effective. It might help to describe one, as it adds to the creepy factor.  You say that "nobody living sits that still. Except you," but he's suggested he's done this before (I always shave the men"). Perhaps you could play with that, like "nobody living sits that still. Except my subjects," or something along those lines. 

It's a personal pet peeve of mine to give a written example of a suggested fix, but I think the intent was kind. I learned that the judges will definitely notice when I forget my word in draft #254 and sneak it in wherever the hell it will fit

Definitely helpful to hear that a detail I intended early on to establish my narrator's serial killing may have been too subtle to clearly show habit

{1980}  One element that could be further developed is the setting. Although the Victorian references help heighten the atmosphere, it would be useful, in honing the build of suspense, to offer insight into the world this villain inhabits. Perhaps by paring down some of the opening explanations, this would leave more room to explore setting.

Another crit a writer friend gave me! I'm still feeling a little precious about the Victorian details because I wanted a gift-wrap feeling, but it's useful to hear the little thematic flourishes lost their sparkle for this judge when they seemed to take the place of more functional info

All around good feedback for me this time. I'm happy with it and feel like it was a good balance of calling out my bullsh*t and forcing me to really think multifunctionally with details.
SSC R1
250 Micro R2

SSC 2021 winner
Back to Top
NMiller View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 15 Nov 2020
Status: Offline
Points: 6194
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote NMiller Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2021 at 8:26pm
My story could be clearer if I was more direct about who/what my protagonist was. (Click my Paved Paradise link to read FB if you wish.) My plan, not to change a thing since I kinda like people exploring their own interpretation of the MC....it may it more enjoyable for me. Thankfully I still moved on and may have to rethink my stance on being vague for the future.
But truthfully, the question is, do I want to write to win or make art. Ideally, it would be both, but that is not often the case. At the end of the day, you cannot predict who your reader will be and you cannot please everyone.


Edited by NMiller - 22 Jul 2021 at 8:27pm
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1234 5>

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 12.05
Copyright ©2001-2022 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.250 seconds.