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PrincessPea View Drop Down
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    Posted: 23 May 2018 at 5:31am
Hi, everyone. This isn't for one of these competitions but I really am struggling with how to properly format this ending because it's so complicated! Pretty sure it's self explanatory but basically there is a montage of various drinks at the characters' mouths, muffled conversation, a pretty waitress, a chair breaking, and a voice over of someone crying. IT'S TOO MUCH. not too much ;) but it's hurting my head and I wondered if any of you generous souls would help me.
I want it to be just as busy as normal life but it's all meaningless and dull because drama has happened and main woman is crying inside and will be crying in the future if the film went on for that long.

It's the last scene of a full-length screenplay. Have mercy!

Thank you in advance for any efforts. 


EXT. CAFE. DAY
It's a classy area, and they're at an expensive cafe, with French and Italian food and an Art Nouveau interior. They sit at the large outside area, sheltered by an awning. Joe's chair wobbles. A beautiful waitress brings their drinks. 
Quiet V.O of female devastated crying. 

Montage of various drinks as the three of them drink and drink and drink: scotch, tequila, tequila, cocktail, tequila, cocktail. Sugar and Pepper are mixed on the table to be used with tequila. They drink to a muffled conversation with lots of laughter and banter.
The crying intensifies.

Fade out. 
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Suave View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 May 2018 at 12:38pm
Originally posted by PrincessPea PrincessPea wrote:

Hi, everyone. This isn't for one of these competitions but I really am struggling with how to properly format this ending because it's so complicated! Pretty sure it's self explanatory but basically there is a montage of various drinks at the characters' mouths, muffled conversation, a pretty waitress, a chair breaking, and a voice over of someone crying. IT'S TOO MUCH. not too much ;) but it's hurting my head and I wondered if any of you generous souls would help me.
I want it to be just as busy as normal life but it's all meaningless and dull because drama has happened and main woman is crying inside and will be crying in the future if the film went on for that long.

It's the last scene of a full-length screenplay. Have mercy!

Thank you in advance for any efforts. 


EXT. CAFE. DAY
It's a classy area, and they're at an expensive cafe, with French and Italian food and an Art Nouveau interior. They sit at the large outside area, sheltered by an awning. Joe's chair wobbles. A beautiful waitress brings their drinks. 
Quiet V.O of female devastated crying. 

Montage of various drinks as the three of them drink and drink and drink: scotch, tequila, tequila, cocktail, tequila, cocktail. Sugar and Pepper are mixed on the table to be used with tequila. They drink to a muffled conversation with lots of laughter and banter.
The crying intensifies.

Fade out. 

Not real sure what you are asking for here, but I can point out some, what I consider, mistakes.  You open with EXT but in the first action line you tell us that it is an Art Nouveau interior building?  Don't think that is provable from outside.  I think you need some dialog between the guys and the waitress as you are doing a VO of a crying woman and I have never seen any guys not talk to a pretty waitress when she brings drinks - and I imagine asks to be paid - they are sitting outside I don't think anyone allows a bar tab to drunks when they can leave that easily.  Montage seems extraneous for saying the waitress brought multiple drinks for each of them.

Hope this helps.
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PrincessPea View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PrincessPea Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 May 2018 at 1:05pm
Thanks for the reply. Basically I just want it all to be a blur and not focussed upon. I might leave the waitress out. They do have a tab, and good point about the interior not being important. Thanks :) 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Suave Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 May 2018 at 11:12am
I did have an after thought.  It would seem you are trying for a futility type ending where the world goes on no matter what.  I think you could have that with the waitress, just have some good natured banter in a sinking tone while the sobbing of the woman becomes more clearly heard.  The men and waitress could be talking about them having to pay now that they had moved outside as management insists.


Edited by Suave - 24 May 2018 at 11:13am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote beckyrcollins Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 May 2018 at 12:22pm
Hellooooo

In the scripts I've read I've always found simplicity is best -- which often means going back to basics with a good old, fool-proof list:


V.O. CRYING intensifies over 

MONTAGE of BAR:
- [names] drink scotch
- muffled conversation
- they do tequila shots, fingers wipe away excess
- gulp cocktails
- giggle
- back to tequila, close on MOUTHS
- waitress brings a tray of cocktails
- banter 
- drink cocktails down in one
- uncontrollable laughter, slapping on knee
- they mix sugar and pepper on the table for tequila
- drink spills over XYZ's lap
- more tequila shots
- ABC's chair breaks
- howling laughter

END OF MONTAGE.

This is obvs pretty sparse, and like 'laughter' and 'banter' wouldn't be enough, you'd need a visual example like two of them laughing at the other. But that sort of montage is clear, shows each item as a separate image, and builds pace really nicely for a tense ending, which is great if you want to juxtapose it with crying! 

Hope this helps! 


Edited by beckyrcollins - 24 May 2018 at 12:26pm
FF18R2 Treacherous Sands (action)
FF18R1 The Builders of Threadneedle Steet (hist fic)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PrincessPea Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 May 2018 at 7:28pm
Becky you LEGEND! Thank you 100x 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote JeffreyHowe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Jun 2018 at 11:59pm
That's a lot of detail for what's essentially flavor, not plot. Since it's the final scene, and the details are for verisimilitude as opposed to plot relevance, I would be inclined to condense it to several description lines in a standard scene--same place, same time, so no montage needed. Include only the most engaging details. The director, DP, art department etc will fill in, that's why they exist.

Camera operation is not usually within the writer's purview. Again, that's why you have a director and a DP. Some gentle steering is okay, but flat out camera direction will raise eyebrows unless it's pivotal to the story.

I might try something like:
 
INT. BAR - NIGHT

The CRYING continues as Aaron, Bob and Charlie drink between snatches of 
garbled conversation.

A round of Scotch flows into a round of tequila. The passage of time seems as 
indistinct as the bar sounds.

The CRYING intensifies. Aaron wipes a dribble of tequila from his chin, giggles 
at himself along with the others. 

Bob waves down a waitress. Cocktails appear. The three down them amidst 
much drunken laughter and noticeable spillage. More chin-wiping.   

Back to tequila. Charlie swirls pepper and sugar on the table, downs a shot, 
leans back in his chair --

SNAP. Charlie tumbles to the ground, the broken chair underneath him.

The CRYING reaches a crescendo. Aaron and Bob howl with laughter. Charlie joins 
them after a moment, staggers to his feet, falls again.

FADE TO BLACK.

Only the CRYING remains.

THE END



Edited by JeffreyHowe - 04 Jun 2018 at 12:00am
SSC2018 CH1 Group 25 "Noble Rot"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PrincessPea Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jun 2018 at 9:07am
Jeffrey, thank you so much! I'll try both your way and Becky's, but I can't look at the thing for at least a month. You know when you've edited it too much? haha. Thank you so much for your help :) 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote JeffreyHowe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jun 2018 at 9:24am
You're welcome. I actually love wrestling with format questions, because I see format as (among everything else it does) a specialized type of rhetoric. And oh boy do I understand the put-it-down-and-walk-away-for-a-bit moment. If you have the luxury of doing so, you are right to take that break.
SSC2018 CH1 Group 25 "Noble Rot"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote beckyrcollins Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jun 2018 at 11:00am
Agree with Jeffrey -- love formatting! Whatever you decide, I don't believe you'd be strictly *wrong* as long as you're clear and concise. When you come back to it, just keep playing around with it until the pace, tension, wording and imagery feel right for the piece and its ending. There's such a different feel to the way Jeffery and I tackled it, so keep working at it till it's what you're after Smile
FF18R2 Treacherous Sands (action)
FF18R1 The Builders of Threadneedle Steet (hist fic)
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