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Group 39 - Ghost Story / Counting money / relax

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phantasm3 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote phantasm3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 May 2020 at 4:39pm
Originally posted by Prairieboy Prairieboy wrote:

Good idea and execution. I had trouble with "Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes down the vast labyrinth." Wouldn't his words, not his voice, echo? I think something like "His now-hoarse throat chokes his words as they echo down the vast labyrinth." would be more clear.
The final image is very powerful.

Thank you for your kind words and critique.

His hoarse throat is choking on his next words because he had screamed with everything he had in him. Now unable to do it any longer, all he can do is hear is the vibrations of his own voice being echoed back to him down the emense cavern in front of him. 
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Stodmyk View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Stodmyk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jun 2020 at 6:05pm
Thanks for sharing!

As a dad myself, I'm a sucker for stories about this kind of relationship. "Daddy?" <-- I was gutted.

I won't belabour the tense shift issue near the end, as folks have brought that up a few times.

One note: this seems a little awkward:
Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes...
Perhaps --> 'I miss you,' he choked hoarsely. 'I hope you know that.'
As his words echoed down the vast labyrinth, he realized there was nothing else.

I wish you luck with the judges!
Cheers,
Jason

_________________________

Round 1

Group 1 Prompt information

Genre: suspense / thriller

Activity: baking bread

Mandatory Vocab: 'risk'


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote RiceCake Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jun 2020 at 10:38pm
I like it! It’s powerful! But I could do without “the man.” I get who he is but don’t think he’s needed. You could just start with Daniel and his dread. 
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