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Group 39 - Ghost Story / Counting money / relax

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eswan27 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote eswan27 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 May 2020 at 5:03pm
Ooh...

Thinking about Paul Bee's feedback as well, I think you could have developed the desired context more effectively through the snippet of opening dialogue. Maybe the line could be about making contact, or about how people usually only encounter what they're looking for, etc.

Dread also felt like maybe not the right emotion for this grieving father. If he's willing to take this step to make contact again, maybe it's something else.

I love this concept though, and that final image really smacks of your assigned genre.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Paul Bee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 May 2020 at 8:18am
Nice job
Edit your tense changes, you switch from past to present
Also I would make "these past couple years had been rough" a little more specific. It wasn't totally clear to me who was talking in the next line.

Good luck

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote phantasm3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 May 2020 at 1:44pm
  "Surface"


"Relax”, the man said, thumbing through the bills. "I've been doin' this a while, and I ain't seen nobody hurt yet." That did little for Daniel's dread; however, he entered the cavern. These past couple of years have been rough. This was his last-ditch effort at achieving closure.

 

 "Hello? Son?"

 

 Ridiculous, he thought. He gave it one last try.

 

 "I miss you… I hope you know that!"

 

Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes down the vast labyrinth. He realizes there's nothing else. This is the end. As he turns away, ashamed, cold fingers weave his own.

 

 “Daddy?” 

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