NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > GENERAL DISCUSSION > Creative Writing Corner
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - C1G11 No Control
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

C1G11 No Control

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Message
Emilie K. View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 20 May 2021
Location: Illinois
Status: Offline
Points: 8
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Emilie K. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: C1G11 No Control
    Posted: 20 May 2021 at 1:14am

Category: Suspense/Thriller

Action Prompt:  Sprinting

word: Beyond


 Before the night of July 4th, she lived a completely mundane life. What happened that night was beyond unpredictable.

       He pierced her with his thick extraordinary claws. She felt as though she were sprinting through sewage. His stench was overwhelming. She felt his sprit settle nicely in her chest as she tried to escape his tight grip. Something had taken over and her body was no longer hers. As a feeling of helplessness possessed her, she was pulled into him.

       He now had her all to himself and there was nothing she could do about it.

Thanks!
Emilie
Back to Top
Abbie Grace View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Newbie
NYC Midnight Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 18 May 2021
Location: Illinois
Status: Offline
Points: 57
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Abbie Grace Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 May 2021 at 1:29am
disregard this post.
I sent it from my account instead of my kiddo's account (and don't have anxiety, she is 14.5 years old)
Back to Top
LadyArkham View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2020
Status: Offline
Points: 3806
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LadyArkham Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 May 2021 at 8:17am
This has some powerful emotion in it. Describing the stench as like "sewage" really conveys both the disgust of your character and the fact that his influence is toxic and vile. Then she's lost under his control, her resistance futile. It feels really gasped out from within the moment of the story. 

Constructive crit: it feels a little unfocused. Some of the language feels like the creature is taking his time - "settles nicely" - and hers feels rushed - "sprinting through sewage" - and if that was the intent, maybe you could tighten up some of the other language to give you a few more words to emphasize that. (For example, "grip" stands alone while "tight grip" is redundant.) 


I didn't notice when commenting (or linking on the Master List) that this isn't posted within the contest forum. You might have more people find it from within the challenge forum - and it's protected there so only other participants can see it, which keeps it from counting as "published" if you want to submit it elsewhere in the future.


Edited by LadyArkham - 21 May 2021 at 8:19am
Back to Top
innatejames View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Location: Chicago
Status: Offline
Points: 810
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote innatejames Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 May 2021 at 11:04am
I read this as a metaphor for falling in love; I might be way off. The thrill of being caught and the horror of losing control. That line "Something had taken over" moves the actions from the predator to a third source. Am I crazy?

I think this story starts at the claws line. It's a fantastic hook, and the contents of the first paragraph don't seem to be imperative to the story.
FF R3 G19 The Event Planner (Suspense)
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 12.05
Copyright ©2001-2022 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.188 seconds.