C1G11 No Control |
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Emilie K.
Newbie Joined: 20 May 2021 Location: Illinois Status: Offline Points: 8 |
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Posted: 20 May 2021 at 1:14am |
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Thanks!
Emilie |
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Abbie Grace
NYC Midnight Newbie Joined: 18 May 2021 Location: Illinois Status: Offline Points: 57 |
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disregard this post.
I sent it from my account instead of my kiddo's account (and don't have anxiety, she is 14.5 years old)
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LadyArkham
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 21 Nov 2020 Status: Offline Points: 3806 |
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This has some powerful emotion in it. Describing the stench as like "sewage" really conveys both the disgust of your character and the fact that his influence is toxic and vile. Then she's lost under his control, her resistance futile. It feels really gasped out from within the moment of the story.
Constructive crit: it feels a little unfocused. Some of the language feels like the creature is taking his time - "settles nicely" - and hers feels rushed - "sprinting through sewage" - and if that was the intent, maybe you could tighten up some of the other language to give you a few more words to emphasize that. (For example, "grip" stands alone while "tight grip" is redundant.) I didn't notice when commenting (or linking on the Master List) that this isn't posted within the contest forum. You might have more people find it from within the challenge forum - and it's protected there so only other participants can see it, which keeps it from counting as "published" if you want to submit it elsewhere in the future.
Edited by LadyArkham - 21 May 2021 at 8:19am |
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innatejames
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 26 Jan 2016 Location: Chicago Status: Offline Points: 810 |
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I read this as a metaphor for falling in love; I might be way off. The thrill of being caught and the horror of losing control. That line "Something had taken over" moves the actions from the predator to a third source. Am I crazy? I think this story starts at the claws line. It's a fantastic hook, and the contents of the first paragraph don't seem to be imperative to the story.
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FF R3 G19 The Event Planner (Suspense)
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