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Gave birth for the fourth time

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40lovecrucian View Drop Down
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    Posted: 24 Nov 2015 at 6:23pm
Honestly, as a tech challenged mother of three, I can tell thee that uploading this was as arduous, painful and time consuming as gestating, birthing and raising 3 kids...and one  had a disability, so hey, if you can upload this stuff, you're tough and bright. Okay teacher, mentors and board of judges, please don't shot me for simply uploading the story, but...after trying for what feels like ions, this is honestly the best I can manage. I'm simply looking for feedback. this is my first script, first time and want some critique to improve, after all, I want my second to be better! If the judges haven't time to get it to me until after the next challenge begins, then really, what good does it do me?

                                                           BEN'S GIRLFRIEND

                  slug: When a boy can't speak, everyone thinks he can't have a life.

page1image1664

FADE IN:

EXT. CIRCLE DRIVE GATED HOME - DAWN

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

5:37 A.M. BEN, a 10-year old boy with Downs, brushes his teeth, then scrubs the sink his toothbrush. He carefully picks a cologne then sprays inside his mouth, twice. He runs water in a Dixie cup...

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Tiptoes into a room where his mother is sleeping and sets it on her nightstand next to a photo of his Army dad.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Ben sits at a table UNPLUGS his iPad and SIGHS

BEN Ahhh

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

GRANDPA-POO, in tiny shorts, shuffles past Ben holding a red, ruffled umbrella like a gentleman's cane.

GRANDPA-POO
(taps cane for emphasis)

Stay-at-home mom, she's a stay-in bed-blonde. If my surgeon son knew how lazy...

Ben signs eat. Grandpa-poo shuffles to fridge and farts.

GRANDPA-POO.
She says "he can't have cheese", I

grew up on a dairy farm. Here kid. Grandpa-poo hands Ben a block of Cheddar, then leaves.

INT. STAIRCASE - LATER

With Loulou, a year-old baby, at her hip, GWEN, Ben's 47-year- old Mom, follows a trail of excrement pellets.

GWEN (good humored)

Morning chicken nugget. The date is over with your girlfriend. You've got an appointment with Mr. Toilet. There's poopoo balls everywhere.

BEN Ung

Loulou wiggles; Gwen lets her down to walk.

GWEN (pointing at iPad)

She's supposed to help you talk. It's time to break up, she's a..

No Loulou gags.

BEN

GWEN
Ah! Bet Lil Lou is choking on 'do.

Ben belly laughs but does not move.

GWEN (CONT’D)
Go get those tiny turds. If Helen

slides on another hitchhiker, she'll...

Ben stands to hug his Mom, then hands her broken eyeglasses.

GWEN (CONT’D) You're joking?

Ben walks off giggling. Helen, his 12-y.o. perfect sister walks past him.

HELEN
Let him go around blind. He just

breaks them to see Sam. Ben gives Helen a push.

BEN Noh

HELEN
Ben, girls want guys who say "yes".

"Yes, I love that movie too and yes I like vegan food too."

2.

Helen walks into kitchen, Gwen frowns at her daughters comment. Helen takes Loulou from Mom's hip.

HELEN (CONT’D) Mom! I'm trying to help here.

Gwen looks at the iPad on the table.

HELEN (CONT’D)
A human girlfriend, mom. A human!

Grandpa-poo walks in, puffs out his chest, holds a can of beer. He grimaces when he talks to Gwen.

GRANDPA
Girl, when do you plan on cleaning

this pig pen?

He farts and belches simultaneously but acknowledges neither; wasted, he sits. His umbrella falls. Helen stifles a giggle.

GRANDPA-POO
Gwen, your kids are as borderline

bi-polar A-C-D-C as you.

GWEN Thanks, my kids are...

He's asleep holding his beer at the kitchen table. Ben

returns.

Gwen (CONT’D to Ben) Did ya get something out?

BEN

No
C'mon lets go over some words. "My"

GWEN BEN GWEN

No

You have to say more than that, You're 10. Give me your girlfriend.

Gwen reaches for the iPad.

BEN Nono nnnoooo

Tussle. Gwen wins. Ben runs. Helen shakes head.

3.

HELEN
He's just gonna get in the car and

watch movies.

GWEN
Yea, he can't go anywhere we've got

the gates.

EXT. CIRCLE DRIVE OF HOUSE - DAY

Helen waits in the car with Loulou. Gwen comes crying. She shows Helen the iPad. Grandpa-poo follows with his umbrella; rolls his eyes.

INT. EYEGLASS STORE - LATER
Gorgeous, sweet counter girl, SAM is waiting.

SAM
He was here when I opened up at 8.

Gwen is wearing Loulou in a baby pack, Loulou is clutching Ben's iPad, Helen reads a big book while standing far away from Grandpa-poo who is still in shorts and has his red umbrella.

GRANDPA-POO Preposterous. It's 32 miles.

Gwen drops fat tears on Loulou's bald head. Helen looks up.

SAM
Guess he can do more than you know.

He's fine. I called as soon as...

GWEN Where is he?

Sam leads the family to an exam room. Ben is sitting on the exam table with a girl, who has Downs, and she looks exactly like Sam. He hops off the table; takes his iPad from Mom.

BEN (pointing to girl)

Thif if my fwend.

Ben and the girl smile. He holds up the iPad for everyone to see as he swipes dozens of photos of her he's taken at the eyeglass store.

HELEN I knew it!

4.

GWEN You said Sam...

HELEN
Mom, she's a mini Sam. Thank

goodness too because I hated to be the one to tell him Sam was way too old for him.

SAM
Sally is my daughter. She comes to

work with me a lot during the summer. Ben FaceTime's me to see if she's here.

GWEN
Broken glasses. My boy, is a

heartbreaker.

GRANDPA-POO You mean this kid...

GWEN
You mean Chicken nugget.

Beh

SALLY

GRANDPA-POO Has a girlfriend?

SAM Yeah, he does.

Grandpa-poo faints to the floor with sprawled legs. Everyone looks. They turn away fast cringing. He was Commando.

SAM (CONT’D)
Should I get someone to help him?

Ben, Gwen, Helen and Loulou shake their heads.

ALL No!

HELEN
How will we tell Dad?

GWEN We won't.

FADE TO BLACK. 


I'm grateful for any feedback. I don't care if you bash it. I need to know where I went wrong and how to improve. Learning is my game.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 40lovecrucian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Nov 2015 at 8:37pm
gr3 comedy "Ben's Girlfriend"

maybe I finally hit aces...i realize that pasting was butchering my format

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wso6e4luipybd4s/Gr3_comedy.bens%20girlfriend.pdf?dl=0
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