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My Rhyming Story

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Dayofthedream View Drop Down
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    Posted: 04 Oct 2022 at 11:45am
Genre: Ghost Story
Theme: Effortlessness
Genre: Grief

I am feeling like I should have went over it again before I submitted.
I found a handfull of typos, punctuation mistakes, and wordy sections.
This is my first attempt at a short story. 
Did I leave too much of the plot to the imagination?
Not happy about using the word grief.
I do like how it was the last word but I feel like it takes away from 
the times when it was described previously.

Go easy on me.
Lowlights: "hallow-ween" and "breading".
Highlights: loosely based on a true story

Title: Campfire Confessions
Synopsis: A man buys his childhood home and discovers it is haunted.
Body:

There was a house I used to live in
And somehow it called me back home
Therapy whispered "Right now I need you
To write down this story in poem"

Seven days later is not a given
Sand needs the curved glass to roam
Sometimes it shatters just to bleed you
As crimson rain falls in glory from your dome

Three demons and a saint
Locked together for the pictures they paint
Friends of rhyme the first two they ain't

The night sounds are full of voices
Muffled poetry about terrible choices
Around the circle they went
Breaking walls but didn't make a dent

We sat around there by the fire
looking thru the smoke
I pulled out this piece of paper
And into air I spoke

A sign said "For sale"
I asked if they would rent
They said "No" and started the tale
That destiny could not prevent

All of my life my credit was sh*t
Never really cared about it
One day I bought a nice drone
Always broke so I got it on a loan
I paid it off and found myself with a higher score
It made buying my old house not even a chore
Eladed and dancing when it finally sold

Between familiar walls I had my things
pictures from when I lived here before
From my soul a spirit sings
And painful memories haunt me once more.

My throat hurts when I swallow
A ghost from my past I have seen
Looking thru photographs on hallow-ween.

I lock away the flower in it's vase
Surviving on the tears that I chase
Down somewhere deep in a forgotten case
Of broken glass and dried petals.

I close my eyes and it's all good
His death was not real I only misunderstood

I stopped reading and
looked at the rest of the group
The wise top breading stallion
A crooked rat testing the soup

I could say what they want to hear
But is that what I have to say
Do they want surface thoughts
or those buried safely away

I hear voices in my head
Some of them living others are dead
I fear the noises under my bed
From over believing brothers far from wed

No that I am older I know the truth
It is kept in a folder on hold from youth

My friend is gone and I got a raw deal
So deep in my mind it isn't real.
There are dreams where he visits but that don't heal
My life is bread and butter but that is not a meal
I thought I was a big fish until I met a seal

I am caught in a wish that won't come true
I fought my feelings 'til I was black and blue

The poetry was complete
And the logs were burning dim.
An awkward applause faded fast
I looked lonely at my feet only thinking of him who past

Therapy spoke louder this time
That was good but not the assignment
You have told us before in rhyme
but was not the story that I sent

The flow did not spell how you almost died
but that does not mean that you lied
There was progress yet
This time you mentioned your friend
Still your eyes did not wet
Our night session is at the end
We didn't get a break thru but at least your slight confession tried

Looking to my therapist wanting some relief
There is something holding me in silence
Chained to my depression, anxiety, and violence
A haunting from grief

Conclusion: open to forum


Edited by Dayofthedream - 04 Oct 2022 at 11:49am
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NERdling View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote NERdling Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Oct 2022 at 12:55pm
Hi! You should edit this post to remove your story and add it to the Rhyming sub-forum instead
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote leathermyjoe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Oct 2022 at 12:57pm
The emotional core of this was really evident, and it felt like the true story you loosely based it on has resonance with you.

I enjoy the abstract nature of it and I think your varying rhyme-scheme reflects that. It felt like a stream of consciousness combined with a journey into somebody's unresolved past. 

I think you have some really strong and interesting use of imagery (the hour-glass/time verse, monsters under the bed, flowers in a broken vase) and I enjoyed the section where you subverted figures of speech (bread and butter/meal, big fish and seal).

I wonder whether you could explore the 'Campfire' mentioned in the title more deeply? Could we have speech-marks showing us when the character is speaking at the campfire, in comparison to the moments where the character is confiding in us (the reader) alone? Or is there the opportunity to be more detailed in scene-painting the campfire itself? Where is it, who's around it, is this an illegal fire, is it in a forest/on a beach, how does it smell/taste/sound as the narrator confesses? 

This felt like a meaningful piece, and it's so awesome of you to put the words on paper and then share them with us. Great job! 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Dayofthedream Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Oct 2022 at 1:28pm
Omg thank you. This is just the sort of feedback I waa hoping for. Your comment alone was worth the price of admission. If i ever go back and edit this for publication I will adress everything you said!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lyricalkar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Oct 2022 at 1:34pm
Hi,
I think this was powerful and there were places that smacked!

"I stopped reading and
looked at the rest of the group
The wise top breading stallion
A crooked rat testing the soup"

Those lines say someone feels vulnerable and needs approval. We all feel that way, though many of us will not admit it. (I am not intimating you feel that way- just well-communicated).  :)

And here:
"I hear voices in my head
Some of them living others are dead
I fear the noises under my bed..."

That was great! Yeah, we all make spelling and grammar errors, etc. (I bet you can find some in what I wrote) The great thing is you can learn that stuff easily. I have a few college degrees and I have had to take some courses for what I did not remember about. Stunk and White's "The Element of Style" can help, IF you are concerned about this. In no way am I detracting from your work.

Keep writing and challenging yourself! We all get better with practice. You have a lot to say. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Thank for sharing!

-K

K.D. O'Roan
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote xaleas Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Oct 2022 at 2:10pm
You have so much going on here! I like that the story telling was "a failure". Because the synopsis was about buying a house and finding a ghost, I was expecting that to be a longer section, but you really focused on how troubled the character is. I liked these bars:

My life is bread and butter but that is not a meal
I thought I was a big fish until I met a seal
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote north_north_west Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Oct 2022 at 7:46am
Hello heatmate

Congrats for being in this challenge and for posting! I thiuoght this was very strong with images and emotions, and in a way, it came across a mosaic of images from teh narrators head (the therapist, the brothers unwed, the burning logs) and that did feel raw and powerful. 

I did have trouble getting the narrative and what happened out of it (actually, without your prelude I am not sure I would have)!  I think poetry here is very strong.

My favorite phrase here was 'the folder on hold from youth'.  That was very vivid!

Thank you for posting!
north_north_west
FF R3 The Roadrunner Gambit
FF R2 Dog-ocracy in America


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Anthopower Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2022 at 8:02pm
Wow, a lot to unpack here for sure! I wish you had left out the 'disclaimer' in your post - it's funny, oftentimes just "putting yourself out there" can seem like a daunting task.

Aside from the punctuation and typing issues, I thought this was beautifully done - and I echo earlier comments that it obviously has a personal connection of some kind, which love love love!

You had some beautiful imagery right form the start - "Seven days later is not a given, Sand needs the curved glass to roam" is great! And I can say from MY experience, that anyone who ever been to any sort of group therapy can most certainly relate to "I could say what they want to hear, But is that what I have to say? Do they want the surface thoughts or those buried safely away?"

Those lines totally encapsulate not only vulnerability, but also one's personal struggle AND progress dealing with grief - each time revealing a little more, yet each time still questioning. I applaud you for putting this story out there, because it's definitely relatable.

I do think the campfire could play a bit more of a prominent role - if nothing more than to help the reader switch between memory and present moment to try to put together the story behind the story, but my takeaway was more focused on the personal plight the MC is feeling throughout, which I think is your strongest point.

Thanks for sharing, and good luck with the judges!
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