C1 G42 The Space Within |
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A.P.N.
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 13 Jul 2019 Location: Minnesota Status: Offline Points: 645 |
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Posted: 19 Oct 2021 at 9:15pm |
The Space Within "I don't know why you think we can find something here that the drone couldn't. " Clyde said, strapping on his hard hat. "You can't replace human intuition." John glanced back at the mining robot and it looked back at him with its camera eyes. "It's not showing anything unusual. What did you see?" "I'm sure I saw an energy spike. I'll have to tell headquarters..." "They aren't going to come here just for that." Clyde took out a knife and unscrewed D-32's back panel, taking control of the robot. He directed it to the wall and began excavating. The wall collapsed. John shined a light into the hole. The cavern inside twinkled, filled with dark blue crystals. John pulled the scanner back out of his pocket and pointed it at a crystal. "It's off the charts! If they already have this much energy, can you imagine what they could do once they're processed? This could solve the fuel problem! Clyde-" John spun around and was met with a laser to the face. "What-" "Don't take this personally, John. I need to get off this dying rock." "Clyde, we can split the money. You don't have to-" A laser shot straight through John's head and bounced off a crystal on the back wall, spraying reflected laser beams all over the room. All the crystals that were hit began to glow and expand. Clyde's eyes widened and he fell to the ground. One by one, the crystals exploded. Sci-Fi/wearing a hard hat/process Edited by A.P.N. - 19 Oct 2021 at 9:37pm |
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Minnihaha
Newbie Joined: 20 Oct 2021 Status: Offline Points: 4 |
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What a great story! Well written, makes me want to read on. Well done and thanks for sharing :)
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Ally
NYC Midnight Regular Joined: 10 Jul 2021 Location: Sydney Status: Offline Points: 330 |
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Hi Groupmate,
Great story. You created so much drama and such high stakes in such a short time. Also great use of description to paint the scene so vividly and give a sense of the characters personalities, even the mining robot seemed to have a persona :) "John glanced back at the mining robot and it looked back at him with its camera eyes". Well Done and Good Luck.
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iress
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 28 Aug 2021 Status: Offline Points: 4138 |
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Ooo...the space within Clyde's heart is empty and greedy. A classic story of greed and desperation. I enjoyed this! I like that you threaded the moral in here of what avarice results in. Consequences!
My only suggestion is super minor, but it might be effective to put "the wall collapsed" on its own line (as it's embedded in the paragraph I almost missed it). it's an important plot point and it would add emphasis to a shift in the action. But I wouldn't change anything else, and even if you didn't change it it is still awesome. I like the characterization, the world building, and the setting. Good job with the prompts too! Awesome to see another scifi entry! Thanks for stopping by my story! I'm glad I got to read yours. :)
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Russellhaydn
NYC Midnight Regular Joined: 18 May 2021 Location: New Zealand Status: Offline Points: 373 |
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Best I've read so far.
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Emorra
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 20 Oct 2021 Location: Illinois Status: Offline Points: 1425 |
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Excellent lesson on how greed and crime don't pay! I liked the beginning and how at the end of the day, you really can't replace human intuition. Too bad John didn't have any intuition on what was going to happen once they uncovered such a jackpot! You chose a great section of this discovery to show, and I found myself wishing you had more words to explain how Clive felt after the crystals were ruined. Good story, and good luck!
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AGS
NYC Midnight Newbie Joined: 14 Oct 2021 Status: Offline Points: 102 |
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Hello Groupmate,
I enjoyed your use of the prompts and the story as a whole. I feel like the Robot's camera eyes were more knowing than John could have ever imagined...
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HardtobetheBard
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 12 May 2021 Status: Offline Points: 795 |
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Very impressive how you got so much action and plot development into so few words! I loved the strong image of the twinkling crystal-filled cavern as well! Great work!
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UK5AM
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 31 Aug 2021 Location: Uk Status: Offline Points: 1279 |
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Love this, the imagery is brilliant and I was hooked from the start. In the beginning I thought this would be about the robot but then it twists to being about good old human greed. Very skillful writing.
Edited by UK5AM - 04 Jan 2022 at 8:14am |
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FF CH1 2023 Drama Novitiate
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