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R2 G2 The Royal Garden

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fioOxf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: R2 G2 The Royal Garden
    Posted: 19 Jul 2020 at 9:31pm
Hey there, hiru,

Great little story, there. Almost a parody of a fairy tale, but not quite (and I think it's just the being condensed into 100 words that gives me that feeling). Classic elements, with thickets and witches and the challenge for suitors, and yet it's original. Well done. 
I stumbled a bit on the bloodthirsty swamps, but hey, it's a fairy tale..
Nice work, all round and best of luck.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beth Greenberg Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Jul 2020 at 12:08pm
I love the storyline and the descriptive, fairy-tale language. Great story arc, with the witch both incentivizing the king to create the challenge and then winning the princess' hand.

One suggestion- I think your second line could work a bit harder for you. Instead of the general concept of marrying off his daughter, it might make for more tension if the king lets the reader know he's created a test only the worthiest suitor can conquer. Also fun if the witch gave a secret wink at the end (knowing they would win the right to marry thru this challenge.) And with another 1000 words... LOL

But truly a fun fairy tale with all the right stuff!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rachelm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Jul 2020 at 9:38am
Love the fairy tale feeling here! My favorite phrase: "escaping the thicket with their swords broken and pride torn." Beautiful.

I did wonder why the king sets up such a difficult challenge to win the daughter's hand. It seemed out of keeping with his declaration that he's had enough and she must marry. Maybe now that you have more words you can introduce a line of explanation.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Eggcorn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 10:42pm
Hey! Trying to help out-- This is not the contest forum, so anyone online can see this. You probably want to move your story to the Microchallenge forum so it is safe! 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jhfloyd Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 9:42pm
Very cute. It reads like it covers Fantasy and Fairy Tales all at once. 

You've used a lot of great imagery for the setting. Unfortunately, you leave a some questions unanswered. How is a swamp bloodthirsty? How exactly did the swords break? Where did the cobra come from? 

Be careful that references you make can be understood on how they serve the story. Referencing them is one thing, but using them as methods to move the story along is another. 

Best of luck.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote S.a.lefeuvre Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 9:38pm
A fun read! You definitely managed to pack a complete fairytale into such a short word count. Nicely done!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ElleOL Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 1:59pm

This is great!

“…with their swords broken and pride torn.” I like the mix of concrete and abstract things breaking.

I also love the last sentence. It’s long, but it flows like the slithering snake and mirrors how swiftly and melodiously she defeated the garden for love.

Good luck!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Alyxbee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 1:51pm
That crafty witch! 

You set the scene quite well, and I enjoyed the story! 

Nitpicks: 

The line "may marry my"  felt like a weird repetition of the m and a sounds to me. It might be on purpose? but I find those sorts of things really stand out to me. 

Good luck with the judges!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote hirundonova Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jun 2020 at 10:48am
Hi everyone!

My prompts were Fairy Tale and/or Fantasy, Picking a berry and Torn.

Any feedback is gratefully received, and I will try to review back!

The royal garden

It began when the king discovered his  daughter’s affair with a witch.

“I’ve had enough,” he cried. “You must marry!”

His warlock transformed the royal garden into a thorny thicket with bloodthirsty swamps and shapeshifting monsters. 

“The one who can find the berry hidden in the garden may marry my daughter,” declared the king. 

The kingdom’s men tried and failed, escaping the thicket with their swords broken and pride torn.

But the princess’s witch transformed into a spitting cobra who sprayed venom at the monsters, slithered between the thorns above the swamps and picked the berry for her lover’s hand.


The last living phoenix . Feedback welcome & review back
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