R2 G2 The Royal Garden |
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fioOxf
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 13 Jul 2018 Location: Oxford, UK Status: Offline Points: 6625 |
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Posted: 19 Jul 2020 at 9:31pm |
Hey there, hiru,
Great little story, there. Almost a parody of a fairy tale, but not quite (and I think it's just the being condensed into 100 words that gives me that feeling). Classic elements, with thickets and witches and the challenge for suitors, and yet it's original. Well done. I stumbled a bit on the bloodthirsty swamps, but hey, it's a fairy tale.. Nice work, all round and best of luck.
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Beth Greenberg
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 29 Jul 2016 Location: MA Status: Offline Points: 3430 |
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I love the storyline and the descriptive, fairy-tale language. Great story arc, with the witch both incentivizing the king to create the challenge and then winning the princess' hand.
One suggestion- I think your second line could work a bit harder for you. Instead of the general concept of marrying off his daughter, it might make for more tension if the king lets the reader know he's created a test only the worthiest suitor can conquer. Also fun if the witch gave a secret wink at the end (knowing they would win the right to marry thru this challenge.) And with another 1000 words... LOL But truly a fun fairy tale with all the right stuff!
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rachelm
NYC Midnight Regular Joined: 18 Jul 2018 Location: Chicago, IL Status: Offline Points: 371 |
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Love the fairy tale feeling here! My favorite phrase: "escaping the thicket with their swords broken and pride torn." Beautiful.
I did wonder why the king sets up such a difficult challenge to win the daughter's hand. It seemed out of keeping with his declaration that he's had enough and she must marry. Maybe now that you have more words you can introduce a line of explanation.
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Eggcorn
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 14 Aug 2010 Location: Baltimore Status: Offline Points: 2136 |
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Hey! Trying to help out-- This is not the contest forum, so anyone online can see this. You probably want to move your story to the Microchallenge forum so it is safe!
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jhfloyd
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 28 Jan 2015 Location: Alexandria, VA Status: Offline Points: 530 |
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Very cute. It reads like it covers Fantasy and Fairy Tales all at once.
You've used a lot of great imagery for the setting. Unfortunately, you leave a some questions unanswered. How is a swamp bloodthirsty? How exactly did the swords break? Where did the cobra come from? Be careful that references you make can be understood on how they serve the story. Referencing them is one thing, but using them as methods to move the story along is another. Best of luck.
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S.a.lefeuvre
NYC Midnight Groupie Joined: 10 May 2020 Location: Montana Status: Offline Points: 144 |
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A fun read! You definitely managed to pack a complete fairytale into such a short word count. Nicely done!
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Micro100 2021 R1: The Lucky Winner
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ElleOL
NYC Midnight Newbie Joined: 12 May 2020 Status: Offline Points: 24 |
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This is great! “…with their swords broken and pride torn.”
I like the mix of concrete and abstract things breaking. I also love the last sentence. It’s long,
but it flows like the slithering snake and mirrors how swiftly and melodiously
she defeated the garden for love. Good luck! |
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Alyxbee
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 08 Oct 2019 Location: UsA Status: Offline Points: 1836 |
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That crafty witch!
You set the scene quite well, and I enjoyed the story! Nitpicks: The line "may marry my" felt like a weird repetition of the m and a sounds to me. It might be on purpose? but I find those sorts of things really stand out to me. Good luck with the judges!
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hirundonova
NYC Midnight Groupie Joined: 18 Jul 2019 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 223 |
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Hi everyone!
My prompts were Fairy Tale and/or Fantasy, Picking a berry and Torn. Any feedback is gratefully received, and I will try to review back! The royal garden It began when the king discovered his daughter’s affair with a witch. “I’ve had enough,” he cried. “You must marry!” His warlock transformed the royal garden into a thorny thicket with bloodthirsty swamps and shapeshifting monsters. “The one who can find the berry hidden in the garden may marry my daughter,” declared the king. The kingdom’s men tried and failed, escaping the thicket with their swords broken and pride torn. But the princess’s witch transformed into a spitting cobra who sprayed venom at the monsters, slithered between the thorns above the swamps and picked the berry for her lover’s hand. |
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The last living phoenix . Feedback welcome & review back
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