Group 39 - Ghost Story / Counting money / relax |
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phantasm3
NYC Midnight Newbie Joined: 14 May 2020 Location: Alabama Status: Offline Points: 61 |
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Posted: 14 May 2020 at 1:44pm |
"Surface" "Relax”, the man said, thumbing through the bills. "I've been doin' this a while, and I ain't seen nobody hurt yet." That did little for Daniel's dread; however, he entered the cavern. These past couple of years have been rough. This was his last-ditch effort at achieving closure.
"Hello? Son?"
Ridiculous, he thought. He gave it one last try.
"I miss you… I hope you know that!"
Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes down the vast labyrinth. He realizes there's nothing else. This is the end. As he turns away, ashamed, cold fingers weave his own.
“Daddy?” |
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Paul Bee
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 08 Oct 2019 Location: Toronto Status: Offline Points: 935 |
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Nice job
Edit your tense changes, you switch from past to present Also I would make "these past couple years had been rough" a little more specific. It wasn't totally clear to me who was talking in the next line. Good luck |
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eswan27
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 02 Feb 2017 Location: Seattle Status: Offline Points: 887 |
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Ooh...
Thinking about Paul Bee's feedback as well, I think you could have developed the desired context more effectively through the snippet of opening dialogue. Maybe the line could be about making contact, or about how people usually only encounter what they're looking for, etc. Dread also felt like maybe not the right emotion for this grieving father. If he's willing to take this step to make contact again, maybe it's something else. I love this concept though, and that final image really smacks of your assigned genre. |
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fioOxf
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 13 Jul 2018 Location: Oxford, UK Status: Offline Points: 6625 |
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@phantasm3 If you post your story in the Micro forum here https://forums.nycmidnight.com/the-100word-microfiction-challenge-2020-review_forum71.html (click New topic...same as you did for this one) and then go into the Masterlist post for groups 1-39 and give myrhapsody your forum link, you'll get more views and feedback.
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GKFralin
NYC Midnight Groupie Joined: 12 May 2020 Location: Beatrice, NE 68 Status: Offline Points: 128 |
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I found this an endearing and sad piece of work. There's a problem with your use of present and past tense. It's not an uncommon error among writers. Maybe a little more edit next time or having another look at it. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the context of the story.
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Prairieboy
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 13 May 2020 Location: Manitoba Status: Offline Points: 542 |
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Good idea and execution. I had trouble with "Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes down the vast labyrinth." Wouldn't his words, not his voice, echo? I think something like "His now-hoarse throat chokes his words as they echo down the vast labyrinth." would be more clear.
The final image is very powerful.
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ROS
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 29 Jan 2019 Status: Offline Points: 830 |
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Hey there phantasm3. Nice job with your story. I like the concept of a grieving father doing whatever he must to connect with his dead son. I could feel his sorrow even after so much time had passed. When the cold fingers locked with his that gave me a chill.
I would suggest though that you start the sentence..."That did little..." in a new paragraph so there's a clearer distinction between the man who was hired and the grieving father. Also, watch out for tense changes if there's no need for them like with a flashback for example. Thanks for sharing your work. Best of luck with the judges. |
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phantasm3
NYC Midnight Newbie Joined: 14 May 2020 Location: Alabama Status: Offline Points: 61 |
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Thank you for the kind words and critique from everyone so far.
Edited by phantasm3 - 25 May 2020 at 9:47am |
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phantasm3
NYC Midnight Newbie Joined: 14 May 2020 Location: Alabama Status: Offline Points: 61 |
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Thank you for your kind words and critique. The narration is 3rd person omniscient. I also took a little artistic license in how the story was being told, changing tenses from past to present to carry the story. If this was a longer piece I believe it would have made more sense to you or at the very least acclimated you to the style of the story more effectively.
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phantasm3
NYC Midnight Newbie Joined: 14 May 2020 Location: Alabama Status: Offline Points: 61 |
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Thank you for the kind words and critique. I chose dread because he's not willing to take a next step, he's at the end of his metaphorical rope mentally, emotionally and otherwise. He's at the doorway of his last hope in the bowels of the abyss not knowing if he has it in him to retreat back or trudge forward. Even if what he does works, what does that mean? Will it even bring him solace? That emotion is the dread of not knowing.
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