Group 39 - Ghost Story / Counting money / relax |
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phantasm3
NYC Midnight Newbie Joined: 14 May 2020 Location: Alabama Status: Offline Points: 61 |
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Thank you for your kind words and critique. His hoarse throat is choking on his next words because he had screamed with everything he had in him. Now unable to do it any longer, all he can do is hear is the vibrations of his own voice being echoed back to him down the emense cavern in front of him.
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Stodmyk
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 12 May 2020 Location: Burnaby, BC Status: Offline Points: 505 |
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Thanks for sharing!
As a dad myself, I'm a sucker for stories about this kind of relationship. "Daddy?" <-- I was gutted. I won't belabour the tense shift issue near the end, as folks have brought that up a few times. One note: this seems a little awkward: Choking on a now hoarse throat, his voice echoes... Perhaps --> 'I miss you,' he choked hoarsely. 'I hope you know that.' As his words echoed down the vast labyrinth, he realized there was nothing else. I wish you luck with the judges! Cheers, Jason _________________________ Round 1 Group 1 Prompt information Genre: suspense / thriller Activity: baking bread Mandatory Vocab: 'risk' |
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RiceCake
NYC Midnight Newbie Joined: 10 May 2020 Location: Baton Rouge Status: Offline Points: 88 |
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I like it! It’s powerful! But I could do without “the man.” I get who he is but don’t think he’s needed. You could just start with Daniel and his dread.
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MF100 R1: Fifth Body Found at Buzzard Bayou
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