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Suave
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 25 Jan 2015 Location: Thailand Status: Offline Points: 25027 |
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Posted: 10 Jan 2019 at 11:13am |
R2 G2 Horror The judges seem to want a whole lot more from me, and in only 5 pages to boot. The liked seemed upbeat, the not so much really went into detail, but they seem to want so much out of the script. I was aiming at the B market horror, guess they don't watch any of that. Next time! ''NEVER
WALK WILLINGLY INTO THE LIGHT'' - WHAT THE JUDGES
LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1836} The rules are clear and the reveal is
communicated well. {1772} The screenplay has
active and vivid writing that helps to create each scene in the
reader's mind. {1688} The tension in the first half of the script is
palpable, and you've created a fully fledged and detailed atmosphere and
setting. The underlying theme of your script - being
trapped in your own body and knowing what happens after death before
you die - is really a fantastic horror subject to explore. It's so
accessible and understood by everyone, any audience will be afraid of
that and wonder what is coming for them upon their
passing. You've chosen a great clay to mould from. WHAT THE JUDGES
FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1836} There isn't a lot of conflict. Try exploring
ways for Mike to try and overcome his situation instead of just
helplessly succumbing to it. The stakes don't seem
very high because the black void out right tells you what awaits Mike.
Teasing that out could also help raise the tension. {1772} It is
unclear why Mike is the one being punished, when the other men seem to
be more devious and deserving. Developing Mike
from the beginning might help. Is he a "good" person? Has he done
anything in his life that he regrets? Is there anyway to escape the
black circle? Giving a little more about his inner needs and conflict
might help shape his character a little more for the
reader. {1688} This almost feels like two completely different films,
the fraternity initiation and the death of Mike. This disjointed feel
is added to by the black circle, which fails to be foreboding and simply
feels like an overly simplistic method of
depicting the notion of Hell. The anticipation and tense mood of the
first half melted away during the second, and the mother collapsing on
her son as he dies felt cliche and unnecessary. The idea of being
trapped in your own body is a great horror theme to
explore, but here it felt ordinary and wasn't depicted in a unique or
fresh way. It also felt odd that after introducing a whopping seven
characters in only the first page, the script suddenly jumps and
attaches to one of them for the rest of the film... Why?
How is your audience to know that this is your main character? More
development of these characters is needed for better understanding and
emotional investment in their fates.
Edited by Suave - 10 Jan 2019 at 11:19am |
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Zblugg
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 25 Apr 2017 Location: Cantley, Canada Status: Offline Points: 4256 |
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Same deal here: do more in same space. But I get what they mean. I actually agree with everything, which might push me to revisit this one, make it bigger, wetter, better.
Funny thing is, none of them picked up on a Japanese man in the 50s using a fork... ''Dansu No Neko'' WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY {1569} This screenplay hearkens back to a tragic and traumatic period in history, when pollution was largely unregulated, and it reminds of the dangers. The children chasing cats was visually compelling and that image was used to show a passage of time and degradation of the environment as well as the health of both children and cats - which was very well done. {1812} This is an interesting screenplay with a well developed plot. Mayuko's character is sympathetic while Kewnichi makes a good villain. The story ends with a satisfying resolution when Karma takes its revenge on Kenichi. I especially like how the opening scene of the children innocently chasing the cats comes back full circle at the end to be the cause behind the illness. {1628} Excellent choice-- lilttle-known Japanese environmental disaster is great springboard for the story. Good portayal of patriarchal dominated Japanese marriage of the period. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK {1569} The opening should read "Dialog is in Japanese with subtitles" and then, no Japanese should be included in dialog. Write it all in English. The mercury poison revelation coming over the radio as dialog felt a little long, expository and on-the-nose. Kenichi felt inauthentic in that he was so villainous as to not care about his child or his wife. His living in his office felt plot rather than character driven. Perhaps softening or in some other way humanizing him at least a little might make him more believable. {1812} When writing a screenplay show the action rather than tell about it. For example, try including a scene of the doctor on the telephone explaining to Kenichi about the illness. And to add more drama to the screenplay, show Mayuko tending to their sick child as her illness worsens. The ending doesn't explain whether Ayami is getting better or worse, or whether her mother is taking her to see the doctor. Try to tie up this loose end in the story. {1628} Unclear if Mayuko is simply feeding Kenichi sleeping pills or if it's poison - as he's being poisoned by the shellfish anyway. Avoid passive verbs -"run" instead of "are running." |
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MF100 R2G16 Marv and Mary Have Flower Issues
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wateringcan
NYC Midnight Regular Joined: 23 Jan 2018 Status: Offline Points: 329 |
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My feedback's pretty scathing (but well deserved!) I hated this story so (for once) I think they're being a little too kind. I guess the only problem is I don't really learn from it because if I was going to write that story over I ... wouldn't ...
''The Beginning'' by Sarah Glenister - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1651} I enjoyed that there was this double twist of espionage. You don't know who to trust in this story. The pacing of the story felt urgent and exciting to read. {1640} Your dialog is good, it sounds real and appropriate to each character. Everyone was an individual with their own attitude and agenda. Fast paced, tense and had lots of action. {1635} The twist, that Cassandra and Martin aren't lovers but agents working to sabotage a power plant, is well-observed and credible, and the rest of the plot twists (except for the very last one) feel authentic as well. That Robbie is sacrificed for the Greater Good establishes the stakes effectively, and Chris as the lone uninvolved party is a nice touch. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1651} You need to reveal a bit more about what's going on in this story for us to (1) understand it and (2) enjoy it. Why was Robbie a target? Why was Martin a target? Why was Cassie only detained? It seems like no one had planned to be in the house that night..or, did they? I'd give more hints about the backstory. Give us something to ground the story. {1640} I found this a very confusing read. Cassandra and Martin are terrorists? What did they want with Robbie? Does he work at a power plant they want access to? If he was the mark then why were they unhappy that he came home? How long had she been married to him? How long had they been planning this? The ending doesn't resolve any questions it just adds more. Sorry but your plot needs clarifying. {1635} The very end collapses; someone on the inside of Homeland Security/NSA/whatever is operating Cassandra and intentionally got her caught by screwing up her mission (and killing her husband in the process) because...? This is Red Sparrow-level deep cover, and it wasn't convincing there, either.
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DBA Lehane
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 16 Aug 2010 Location: Somerset, UK Status: Offline Points: 2540 |
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As I've written elsewhere, my poor scoring first round script got far more positive feedback from the judges, than my 13 point scoring second script.
In fact, my current judges feedback is the most scathing I've had here in almost 9 years - albeit for something that scored 13 points and sent me through. It was clear one of the judges was having a bad day, as they moaned in my feedback about the lack of conext in many of the screenplays they had read. Not sure that was something that should be included in someone's individual feedback. Oh well, judging has always been inconsistent here. Not a surprise when they recruit judges from Craigslist. |
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Screenplay Challenge 2020 Finalist.
SSC 2014 Finalist. FFC 2015 4th Placed Finalist. |
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Suave
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 25 Jan 2015 Location: Thailand Status: Offline Points: 25027 |
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Despite what the judges gripped about on mine I think my lack of skill with dialog is what cooked mine, I think the judges enjoy screwing with us.
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JeffreyHowe
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 02 May 2017 Location: Missouri Status: Offline Points: 1966 |
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I have raised an eyebrow at some comments in the past, but this rounds' notes made perfect sense to me.
One judge said I needed more description in a few spots and another said the description was great as is. That tells me I've tightened the description to the point where some (but not all) readers get lost along the way: if I could go five 1/8 pages it would likely be fine with everyone.
Another said the strangeness of the horror made it feel almost like parody, and that's fair: I think horror and comedy are the conjoined twins of genre, and the effect often comes down to the interpretation given (and the audience). |
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trish1206
NYC Midnight Regular Joined: 25 Mar 2011 Location: Philly area Status: Offline Points: 261 |
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This is my experience, as well. Not exactly scathing, but not as positive as the score might imply. It's a head-scratcher. And not the first time my feedback has seemed contrary to the results. |
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3rd Place Finalist FF2013
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manifestlynot
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 02 Jan 2018 Status: Offline Points: 4480 |
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Mine was fair. At first I was put off by my 7 points because I thought it was a decent comedy, but the judges brought up the non-development of my main character (used up development space on an auxiliary character) and the middling score made sense.
I will say that the feedback is much more sparse than I’ve had in the past, even in challenge 1. Mostly one-sentence statements, both positive and negative, and sentence fragments. Perhaps I’ve been spoiled in the past with effusive, lengthy comments!
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Rhyming R1: Lionheart (Hist fic)
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lisafox10800
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 18 Jul 2016 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 9440 |
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I basically had a three-way split among my judges. One loved my script, one thought there was "no story," and the third was just confused. I feel very lucky to have scored the points I did. Split decisions are often the kiss of death here.
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lisafoxiswriting.com
My short story collection, Core Truths, is now available wherever books are sold. |
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haole
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 18 Sep 2014 Location: Ohio Status: Offline Points: 915 |
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For me, the feedback from all the judges in both rounds was very good, and helped my second round score be better than my first round. That was very good, because I wasn't quite as enamored with the forum feedback as I have been in the past, and I don't feel any of that was particularly helpful (which is why I never posted my second entry). I appreciate the time these judges took, particularly in this specific contest, to read and react to our writing.
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Read my 1st Round 250-word story Emergency Meeting
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