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jenspenden View Drop Down
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    Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 4:58pm
I guess I'll start things off! Can't say I disagree with the judges, though the one seemed to get hung up on one nitpick that probably was my undoing. Oh well! At least I got one "Wow". That's all I can ask for. Wink And, despite the nits, I still came away with an honorable mention. I'll take it and run! 

''Waiting Shadows '' by Jenna Willett - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - What's well done here is the twist at the end: it's completely justified, and we're also given enough clues to figure out that she's a spirit (such as her floating up to the ceiling in the middle of the attack) without being told -- and without being confused; there is no vagueness with regard to what's happening. Well done.//The conclusion echoes the opening.//...............Wow, what a good story! There is a nice progression in the story, and the atmosphere.  The character's waiting and desperate longing was perfectly done.  ......A good use of gore and a genuinely surprising twist. ............................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - It's been set up for the reader, right out of the gate, that there is a horrendous blizzard -- and from the description of the rocking chair, her home, her porch, we can also assume that this is in the past, and that this is, in addition, in the middle of nowhere -- meaning NO ONE is probably out in the horrible storm. Why, then, would she sit and wonder whether or not it was Jesse? Wouldn't she assume that the first noise she heard was him? In a ghost story, it's important that the main character not jump to the supernatural conclusion right away (unless there's reason to). While she doesn't jump to the supernatural right away, she does make an assumption that there would be someone else crazy enough to be out in the storm; it doesn't quite gel. One easy and reasonable fix, however -- especially since we discover at the end that she's the ghost -- is to tell the audience directly, higher up in the story and through narrative, that there are always others lost in the blizzard who come, but it's never Jesse (this is made mention of later, but it's better to say it up front; this way, there is no confusion). That would solve the issue, and it wouldn't ruin the surprise ending.//...............There are a few repetitive sentence structures that detract. The transition between the hopeless hoping and the killing apparition could be stronger and the voice changes abruptly and that can throw the reader out but the twist is played with well enough to be engaging.
I really like the framing in this story......The setup is a little long, despite the solid descriptive prose. A longer interaction between the intruder and the ghost, before he discovers the dark secret, might be a better use of the limited space you have. The twist would be more effective if you had humanized the new character before his sudden murder. ........................…............................................................……………………………
 
Congrats again to all the finalists. If you need a beta this weekend, send me a message. 


Edited by jenspenden - 19 Nov 2015 at 4:59pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote salgal80 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 5:07pm
Didn't get an honorable mention or move on, but I really don't care.  I liked my story and had never written horror or in second person before.  I knew I took a risk.  One judge got it, but hated the ending and the other one didn't seem to get it much at al. (except for the title and theme)...so I figured that would happen to.....I wrote the story to the highest common denominator....esoteric, well read and those who like the bizarre.  

That said, I certainly can change the ending with more words, as well as add some details I had to cut to  make the story more coherent....so this was well worth the effort.

Thanks to those who gave me feedback See you for short story in a couple of months.
Sally


Round 3/Horror

''Doing the Right Thing'' by Sally Simon - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - The second person POV ("You") is a tough thing to pull off well; it's got to be consistent, and it's got to work for the story being told. In this case, it's well done, and because of the universal nature of the subject, second person is a great match. This story simply wouldn't have the same impact had it been penned in a different POV.//The tension is insane; it's one of those that a reader isn't going to be able to put down. The pacing and tension are perfectly match, and the visuals are sparingly rendered and strong so that the reader can see them in his mind. It's a masterful piece of suspense up until the last couple of paragraphs (see notes under "What Needs Work")...................I like the second-person point of view choice for this genre, especially juxtaposed providing details that were distinctly not the reader's own, such as siblings, family relationships, marital strain, etc. It was a really cool way to create a characterized protagonist while helping the reader to experience the chilling situation firsthand.......The second person storytelling was unique. There’s an element of no good deed going unpunished in the writing that lends itself to the horror genre. .........................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - On a smaller note, who is Marty? Is that the narrator's brother? Son? Friend? Business partner? We know who both Heather and Scott are from the references given, but there's nothing for Marty. A clarification there is needed.//This piece is one heck of a great ride until the very last four lines. "Why?" doesn't make any sense. "Why?" what? And who is saying that? If it's the guy trapped in the tunnel ("You"), then it doesn't seem like "Why?" would be your first reaction. Maybe "Who the hell are you?" or "Well the hell am I?" or "What the hell is going on?" but not "Why?" In addition, the following line, "I'm saving you from the Time Tunnel," sounds too campy and jars us out of the terrifying mood of the rest of the piece (it brings to mind that old Irwin Allen TV series, "The Time Tunnel). The death paragraph also seems overdone and not necessary. What would be a much more effective ending: "...of Dr. Phibes f**king your wife. [New paragraph] Then. Everything. Goes. Dark." ..................It feels as though this story contains a lot of frightening elements without a broad sense of coherence. Even if the point is to stretch the concept of a reality with traditional continuity, the reader needs something that will tie this narrative together or illuminate a purpose for ignoring the continuity.......Not much in the story connects. The protagonist is dealing with a broken marriage as he travels to see his dying father – what do these elements have to do with what he encounters in the tunnel? While there is potent, surrealist imagery in the things he encounters in the tunnel, it’s more perplexing than terrifying – what is chasing after him and why?  There are mentions of a ‘Time Tunnel’ but that idea isn’t expanded upon in the writing, and renders the audience more confused than scared. .....................….......

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nixie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 5:15pm
Posted mine on my review post - but no harm in having it here too if anyone is interested:

FEEDBACK:

Well, the judges didn't say anything you all didn't - well except the final comment, which seemed a little wacky to me ;) They were even ambiguous on revealing vs. (some) describing of the shadow.  

WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY 

The technicalities and culture of surfing isn't something that every reader is going to be familiar with, however, it's important that it's not explained to the point at which the story is slow, or the reader feels as though he's being beaten on the head. Here, we're sucked right into the world and feel as though we have a ring-side seat to the action even as we're learning about the culture, the world, and its characters. Well done!

The main character's voice is engaging and the narrative flow is smooth.

This is a fine example of modern gothic: setting a story in the bright modern-day, but still giving an effective dark feel and scare.

Choosing not to reveal the shadow or describe it in any way was the smart choice: it keeps the reader constantly in a state of mystery, but leaves everything to the imagination, which is scarier (think Robert Wise's 1963's A Haunting, in which we never see the ghosts, only their effect on the protagonists). Great choice.

This story contained such engaging, descriptive language and juxtaposed bright, beautiful imagery with its increasing sense of doom . Nice job thinking outside the box of the genre and choosing to use non-traditional conventions for the horror genre. No "dark and stormy nights" here, but still an effectively terrifying story with an excellent use of pacing and rhythm to draw the reader in. 

Utilized the location creatively. The narrative progressed naturally as the main character saw the horrifying things happening around them before being overtaken.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK 

Because such a big deal is made out of Kai's wetsuit, it's obvious later what's happened to her: "The wad of flowered fabric went past too quickly for a good look, but somehow it seemed…familiar." At the very least, the "somehow it seemed…familiar" gives it away and should be cut; the flowered part should also be cut, only because it's too close to the beginning (where the flowered fabric had initially been mentioned) and so it's fresh in the reader's mind enough to give it away also. "Bright fabric" might work better. It's important too much isn't given away up front -- it spoils the development and ruins the tension.

There's a mention of a "hand" -- and a little later, that it's probably a seal's hand. To increase tension, make the explanation of the "seal's hand" the first time around. Characters, when they are in unbelievable situations, need to not readily accept the first thing they see; excuses or substitutions should be made so that they seem more realistic.

Stretching the horror genre into an action-adventure kind of tone was really effective in this case, but I would have liked just a little more development on the source of the terror. Was it some sea monster, something supernatural? If the narrator had encountered it in just a little bit more detail (whether or not this detail was conclusive), it may have been a little more cohesive. Also, it seems a little odd that the protagonist narrates straight to his own doom. This begs the question, "What state is the narrator currently in?" without addressing its possibilities

The memory of the lost limbs washing ashore comes conveniently too late in the narrative. Why would someone participating in a surfing competition not consider that before going in? You’d think that would be the first thought on their mind before braving the water. Being that this is a surfing competition, it’s the first time the creature has attacked publicly, and it will likely now be recognized as a real threat by people – any reason for this? Like the shark in Jaws, this creature seemingly attacks anything in the water, but is there any particular reason for its attacks?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Archon1995 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 5:21pm
Looks like the left turn in Albuquerque into Magicville was what tipped it over into the top 5. I don't have TV, and have never seen a single episode of "Breaking Bad." I wasn't aware that ricin had gained so much visibility, and my beta readers didn't mention it, either. As for why he was murdered, I thought it was pretty clear it was a purely emotional (over)reaction. But they all liked the world setting, and the writing itself! I can shuffle things around and make it longer...yes, Kyle Takano is very likely to have a series of stories. Wink
 
''The Case of the Compost Corpse'' by Tracy Soldan - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...A magical mystery, with only the necessary rules of magic spelled out and many others only implied – which worked very well. The magical detective world is one worth revisiting. The writing was clear and engaging with some nice narrative touches – “hungry dragon stare” was excellent.  The ending brought closure to the murder................Clever, whimsical propositions and jargon come together to create a very different world from the real one, which makes this story a very fun read!...Very well-rendered world in a remarkably short space. Good characters, and a lived-in feel to the forensic and cooking tech.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...The story was a bit lineal with no red herrings, and no twists. The killer was introduced late and the motives were then explained. The only twist was that the killer was getting a good review from the victim after all.  Finally, it didn't make sense for a failing chef to kill a reviewer in his restaurant – how would that help? A fascinating 'world' of the story, good characters and good writing style would be helped by stronger plotting. Honorable Mention................I didn't sense a lot of suspense in this story, because the "thaumatological" instruments made the revealing of evidence a little bit easy. The story would benefit from a puzzle piece that can't be so easily solved by the detective's resources....The title doesn't live up to the compelling sci-fi inflected world of the story. Another poison would be a better choice, as well--ricin has been popping up all over fiction since Breaking Bad! .....
[insert pithy quote here]
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote queenb330 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 5:31pm
This has spurred me on to finish this piece. And wow - what quick feedback we've had!

''An Unlikely Sanctuary'' by Donna-Louise Bishop - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - .........The premise of this story was extremely unique, and extremely well formated. It was concise and to the point, but never too brief. You covered so many bases in such a short span with great skill, I didn't feel innundated with unnesary information, I was just enjoying the ride. It's a peice with great potential. I'd love to know about the complexities of Eve....The details of the story bring it to life.  Eve’s mix of shyness and adventure, her longing and her riskiness; the detail of the wedding band against her fingernail.  The whole thing feels very actual, very lived, and much is accomplished in a short time.  The lack of specific motivation in Eve is also intriguing.  ...............This is a fascinating subject, and you smoothly interweave the present with Eve's background story. In general, you do a great job of telling much of the story without using too many words while also supplying vivid, sensory details that place the reader in this hospital room with this intensely vulnerable character.......................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - .........The first time Eve's discovery of the room is mentioned, it's stated that she dodged in to get out of the rain, but later in the peice, it is suggested that it was snowing that day. Not a major hitch, just a continuity issue that needs to be decided upon and the same accross the board. I think a massive rain storm is perfect justification, and could even trigger thought of bathing needs....The story can become a bit sentimental and overly dramatic in moments, especially in some of the imagery towards the ending................My favorite scenes are those of Eve in the shower at the hospital, but the  description of her life with George feel less vividly drawn in comparison. The dialogue between George and Eve in particular feels a little generic. Perhaps you can substitute some rich detail of their home or something more idiosyncratic to make their life together feel more particularly their own...................…............................................................……………………………
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote plkphoto Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 5:55pm
So I didn't move on or get honorable mention either… but that's okay! More time to focus on NaNo. Smile

However, I did find it odd that neither judge mentioned the noir feel… thinking it flew right over their heads. And so they took everything she said literally, not as noir exaggeration. Sigh. Comedy is hard, y'all!

(Oh, and hasn't everyone heard of "beware of Greeks bearing gifts"? No…)

Anyhow… here it is:

''Like a Bull in a China Shop'' 

WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 
Clever use of tinfoil. I loved the visual of the clerk and the weather leading up to him entering the story. Some very funny lines................The madcap chase of the cat was humorous, along with the imagery of the hipster with his pants around his ankles and the saleswoman with the torn blouse. Creative use of the aluminum foil. ...The tone of this is really great. The smart jokes and similes keep the pace steady and fun.   

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 
Didn't understand the significance of the Greek family being mentioned. I thought perhaps it was foreshadowing something to be mentioned later in the story but it seemed to be more of a distraction. ...............The protagonist is hard to follow. She’s spiteful and her inner monologue is just making fun of and judging the people around her, and not in a way that we come to laugh along with her. The author has a talent for physical comedy, and there should be more of that in this piece. The end could happen in the middle, and the rest of the story could be about what the boss does once she finds them in this awkward pose, as there are many things she could insinuate based on their positioning. ...I know "hipster" is a very common term, but slapping such a common label on one of the story's two main characters flattened him rather than giving him depth. In a revision, I'd try to flesh his character out a bit, maybe even creating some chemistry between him and the narrator to make the ending more piquant.
FFC 2018

Ch1 Gr62 -- The Other Side of the Coin (Thriller)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Literary Pugilist Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 6:08pm
I made it on to the final round. Whew! It looks like one of the judges liked it a lot more than the others. I also find it interesting that "what the judges feel needs work" section didn't really match what the forum wanted to see changed. To be honest, my take away from this story is that I might need to give it a final polish, but what it really needs is an editor that likes it as much as the first judge. I'm very pleased with this piece, and I'm really happy that it had the effect on some people that I wanted.

''Silenced'' by Eric Shepard - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - Wow. This is an all-around perfect piece of flash that carries emotional weight and gives a punch to the reader's gut. There is tension throughout, the reveal as to why she killed herself is in its proper place for maximum effect. Well done. More specifically and of note, the use of shorter sentences to create tension is used in the first paragraph, here, and it's effective, as the paragraphs after it contain sentences with a longer cadence. Different -- normally longer sentences for grounding and description come first, and then the shorter ones come later -- and done well. If not handled properly, it could've made for a choppy read.//Excellent conflict presented in the opening; the reader is grabbed and sucked in for the ride because he sees there's a problem with no solution (or, at least, no apparent solution).//The title works on both a literal and metaphorical level.//...............The description of nature is very good.......A sensitive telling of two dark, difficult to manage subjects: abuse and suicide. ............................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - Nothing to offer; not even a typo. This is ready to be submitted to magazines looking for darker flash................I find myself thinking this story would work best if the present had not already happened. I think forward movement in time would have been better. The "looking back" at one's life premise doesn't help build emotion or suspense or the pathos needed at the end. The reveal at the end feels tacked on. I feel even one or two mentions of Gary would bring the end of the story into the rest of the story. The writer is also not convinced about why the narrator didn't tell Grandpa. ......The reveal of the abuse comes off as a bit of a twist, and there's no need for this, I think--the horror of the situation would be well-served by the narrator being direct about this from the beginning. An explanation, even a slight one, for why she remains tied to the place where she was abused may also be an interesting addition.........................…............................................................……………………………
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Stephaleph22 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 6:46pm
Honestly? I was really astonished that I moved on. I liked my story but I figured it was too scattered for the judges. I was also embarrassed to see them mention cancer when that wasnt the disease i mentioned. At least...i dont think it was??? But anyway, Im happy!!
WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - .........I really enjoyed the paragraphs that explained Brianna's pride that she takes in her work and why she does what she does. It was a refreshing, and convincing explination for the career choice, that I've not seen expressed before. The religious analogies to the skin were fantastic!...There is a lot to like about this story, which is truly felt for its sincere language, the tangible relationship at its core, the effective imagery and simplicity of the story from the past.  Most important to the story’s ending is its refusal to hand over simple answers, easy catharsis.  Neither person is able to pinpoint exactly what made the love deteriorate in a single line, and that’s how it should be if a strong relationship simply couldn’t stand the test of time.  Life is not so easy, so why should our stories about it be?...............You have sketched a very brave woman here, who made me examine whether I would be as brave in the face of cancer. I also wondered whether her choice to divorce her husband was the right one, attesting to my investment in these characters' lives.......................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - .........Twoards the end when Brianna is explaining to Mitch that she has to help others love their skin because she can't love her own, it wasn't clear that Mitch was even aware of that insecurity of Brianna's. The way in which Mitch's question of his love not being enough, wasn't quite answered at all by this statement....It can feel a little heavy-handed and melodramatic at moments, but not enough to bring the story down too much.  ...............While well written, there's a seriousness and sentimentality to this that distanced me a bit and therefore took me out of the action, making these characters feel less real to me than they could have been. Any small insertion of humor, irony, or irreverence would have made this feel more lifelike to me while varying the story's texture...................…............................................................……………………………

Edited by Stephaleph22 - 19 Nov 2015 at 6:51pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lookit There Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 7:31pm
Ah, I didn't see this thread before posting in my story thread. Oh, well, here it is twice. I am very pleased by their praise, and find it telling that their crits echoed others I heard in the forum. That gives me much to consider.

 

''Anxious to the Bone'' by Lin Morris - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - .........I really believe the friendship between Danny and Phyllis. The “127 in gay years” line is very funny. The tent/boy scouts line is clever! Lots of humorous imagery................Definitely one of the better plots to come out of this prompt – the situation of having swallowed Viagra instead of anti-anxiety medication works on one level, but then add on that he’s going on his first date in years. This is sitcom-worthy! It helps that the writer is naturally funny as well – the thoughts in the characters head made me laugh out loud on a number of occasions. The aluminum foil was utilized to hilarious effect....The mixup of the pills actually made me laugh out loud. The story's end too was a hilarious surpise with great pacing throughout. ......................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - .........“BFF” may work in dialogue if fitting for the character, however I found it distracted from an otherwise well worded paragraph. “Pulitzer” is an award for authors, I’d advise a more fitting analogy though I liked where you were going with the joke. “Only” or “Soley” would have made more sense than “Merely. “ The ending seemed to end abruptly. Could have been paced a little better but was funny................Honestly, this is a very well written comedy short. One perspective that would have been interesting to get is the other shoppers as Danny is trying to hide his package. It’s embarrassing for him to deal with, but both Hipster and Phyllis are understanding and helpful. What if he walked out and a child saw his straining pants and began asking questions? How can this situation be exacerbated to bring Danny the utmost humiliation? We’re dealing with a man with anxiety issues and a public boner – make him even more anxious! ...The only question I was left with was why the narrator hadn't dated anyone in a year. Explaining this very briefly will prevent this from hanging in the reader's mind as a distraction...................….............................



Edited by Lookit There - 19 Nov 2015 at 8:59pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Speddie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Nov 2015 at 8:16pm
I didn't advance nor did I get an honorable mention. Regardless, I'm thrilled to have advanced as far as I did considering all the great writers in the race. This year's experience was doubly rewarding because I joined the forums and received great feedback (both praise and critique) from you wonderful people. What an invaluable gift! Thank you, one and all, and congratulations to those forty who've moved on to the final competition. I look forward to hearing/reading about your experiences!

I posted this to my original, third submission post, but find it helpful to see all the judges' feedback here, so am re-posting.
----------------------

WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ......I really like the approach you took with this story and you utilized the prompts very creatively. It’s also fun to discover the real story at the end................A charming mix of hominess and action. Grandma's narration of her initial story is exciting and silly at the same time. ......I like how this is an adventure story, modern fairy tale, and morality tale all in one. You do a great job of creating a unique story mixing multiple genres...............................................…

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ......I love this badass grandma. She’s awesome. That being said, I kind of wish that the real story was a little more developed and the christmas story was a little simpler. That could definitely be a matter of taste…Did you try making the christmas story and the real story parallel action? (As in telling them at the same time, but going back and forth?) It could be an interesting way to take the audience on a journey, making us unsure which one is the truth. ...............The turn, when Grandma tells her second story, feels a bit abrupt. Perhaps nesting even more elements from the second story in the first could counteract this. You could also consider having her tell both version to the same child, who is skeptical after the first. ......Some more physical descriptions of things--the grandmother and her home included--would help bring them to life. Most of this is told by the grandmother and so keeps the reader at a distance, but at least help the reader to see her in the telling of it to bring the reader closer to the story...................…......................
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