Challenge 2 Feedback |
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patsy
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 28 Aug 2011 Location: Ohio, USA Status: Offline Points: 4709 |
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Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 10:48am |
I'll start! BTW, does anyone know what the heck a "table read" is????????
Dear Patsy Pratt-Herzog, The feedback from the judges on your Flash Fiction Challenge 2015 story from Challenge #2 is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful and you enjoyed the competition!
''Letters Labyrinths and Lies'' by Patsy Pratt-Herzog - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - I liked the overall idea - that there was an answer to this famous mystery kept hidden. I liked that you framed the story with the bits with Elizabeth years later. I think you did well capturing the mysterious atmosphere of the labyrinth. I liked how you worked the bureaucracy in and how it interferes with the truth. I thought the note about people practicing the occult in London was a good detail for the Victorian time period................Bookending the story as a memory/historical revelation worked well, giving the tale a sense of authenticity. Using an argument to convey expository information worked well, too. ..................................................................…...........................………………………… WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - The main story feels odd in a way, in that it contains so much small detail that it can't really be what Edmund is telling Elizabeth. If you want to tell it in the first person as you do, I'd suggest keeping his audience in mind (Elizabeth, in this case, not the reader in general) Phrase Edmund's language in a way to indicate that this is actually an oral story, not a cleanly edited written one................The story contains elements of horror, thriller and alternative history. Perhaps weaving in other alternatives to who Jack really was might have added to the possible reality of the tale. Dialog was a bit stilted as if people talked in complete sentences. A 'table read' and edit might help...............................…............................................................…………………………… I did find it kind of amusing that the judges like the frame where most people on the forum didn't. Just goes to show you never know what they'll like! And I was under the impression that high-born people in the Victorian Era did speak properly! Edited by patsy - 28 Oct 2015 at 11:48am |
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csderuyter
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 03 Aug 2015 Location: St. Paul, MN Status: Offline Points: 1015 |
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Here's mine. Interesting that the first negative doesn't seem like it's a negative comment...
Story got 11 points, btw. Dear Cindy DeRuyter, The feedback from the judges on your Flash Fiction Challenge 2015 story from Challenge #2 is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful and you enjoyed the competition!
''A Frog Eat Frog World'' by Cindy DeRuyter - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ............Good writing here. The voice feels authentic, esp through lines like this: revenge scenarios that I knew I would never see through. And it made me laugh!..................Very tight and delightful! Loved how Ms. Sieger's fantasy of early retirement blends into her revenge fantasy re: Mrs. Krank; also loved how she knew she wouldn't act on the latter. The contrast between the innocence of Fairy Tale frog kissing and Craig's quest for a psychedelic high is such a hoot! Very satisfactory that she left the mob leaping free: Lol'd @ “Not my Lilly pad, not my frogs!”...................................................…...........................………………………… WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ............I like the increasing rrriiibbits too. I think the last line is perhaps forced -- the idea of raining frogs and biblical meaning has been done a lot -- but even so, this story stands out for me. Great, steady tone and a fun unfolding from the first person POV. ..................You use the term “detention hall” two times too many in your synopsis which will be more succinct once edited down. As I enjoy Ms. Seiger, I also want some hope for her teaching career woven in as part of her fantasies: why DID she sign on for this gig, after all?...............…............................................................…………………………… |
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jenspenden
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 25 Sep 2013 Location: Denver, CO Status: Offline Points: 5069 |
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Not really sure what to think about the second judge's "didn't likes". I feel like he/she thinks I made this story up, and I most definitely did not. Ugh. Oh well! Can't complain considering they decided it was good enough to advance me to the next stage of the contest.
''Kleine Mäuse'' by Jenna Willett - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ..............................
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salgal80
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 19 Jan 2015 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 1061 |
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I thought my feedback was thoughtful and helpful.... Story received 13 points. It was suspense....group 33.
For the record--epee is a sport and the points are not sharp. The other comments are spot on and could have been easily corrected with few words, I think. ''For the Love of Adam'' by Sally Simon - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ......Emma is an appealing character, and it's easy to empathize with her. The ending is unexpected. It's heartbreaking to learn the truth about Adam............................................................................…...........................…Talk about suspense! Your last line makes me more curious as to why the main character believes her son is alive. ……………………… WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ......Why would everyone in the village love to see Emma fail and move away? It seems irresponsible that Emma was allowing her son, whom she thought was alive, to play with a pointy weapon. I think it would benefit the story if you made it clearer what Siegfried's relationship to Emma is at the end of the story. He says the people know she'll be with him. Were they already married? Getting married that day?.......................................…............................................................……How can one cake save the bakery? Dig more into the importance of making this cake. What are some clues that allude to the idea that Adam doesn't really exist besides in the main characer's mind?………………………
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FF Rd 1 Gr 31
The Other Side of the River |
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BenFJackson
NYC Midnight Regular Joined: 14 Aug 2014 Location: Natick, MA Status: Offline Points: 391 |
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Mine was exactly what I would have said regarding my own story, which is good? I think?
''Neg Barba and the Riches of Regents'' by Ben Jackson - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...Interesting premise. The mech parrot is a great image....I like the story's humor. The first sentence is hard to forget. I also like how the historical elements are transformed by science fiction details............................................................................…...........................………………………… WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...I struggled to understand the setting of this story, both temporally and spatially. The science fiction aspects feel like window dressing to what would otherwise be a typical pirate story. Although I'm interested in the dimensional key, it's never explored enough for me to understand the implications of this particular character using it....I think the ending could have more impact. You might have more details about what was in the nanoVault........................................…............................................................…………………………… Edited by BenFJackson - 28 Oct 2015 at 11:04am |
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DBA Lehane
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 16 Aug 2010 Location: Somerset, UK Status: Offline Points: 2540 |
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Does anyone ever disagree with the "likes"? :D
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Screenplay Challenge 2020 Finalist.
SSC 2014 Finalist. FFC 2015 4th Placed Finalist. |
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ballard7
NYC Midnight Regular Joined: 22 Jan 2015 Location: Carmel, Indiana Status: Offline Points: 264 |
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This feedback is actually helpful, If only because it appears I was held down because of demands of the genre (historical fiction):
WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY I thought you researched the historical and mythological details very well. I like that you chose a somewhat lesser known story in history to explore. I liked the turn at the end with Evans (although I also made a note about it in the other column), and I like how the urgency and action rises at the end. Beginning the story in media res – in the middle of the action – added suspense and excitement to the story. Characters were quickly sketched and the historical setting and feud between archeologists established. The resolution was a great twist and the missing twine an added coda. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK I would be a bit cautious about some of the details of your story, the first being when Sam Cockerell died, and the second being to implicate Evans in this cover-up. Historical fiction fills in the gaps among things that we know to be true, whereas those two things I mentioned might be easily disproved (or in Evans' case, slanderous). (This had occurred to me -- although you cannot "slander" the dead, I wondered if it would offend purists if they knew of, or looked up, the historical figures) The story contains more than a bit of science fiction or fantasy which pushes it towards the alternative history genre at least. (Which, yeah, I've never understood why alternate history was "science fiction," but that's what I did, and now I know better). Perhaps some uncertainty as to the type and nature of the skeletal remains might have worked better – even have Sam notice, and doubt -but be trapped by his companion's fears anyway. The Shakespearean title was a bit misleading and a distraction, too. (Someone in the forum asked me about the relevance to Puck's line in Midsummer Night's Dream -- there is none -- I just liked the line as a title, but it had nothing to do with the story). |
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sunshinequeen
NYC Midnight Groupie Joined: 12 Aug 2015 Location: Alaska Status: Offline Points: 141 |
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''Burned'' by Sarah LeDoux -
WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - .............................. The integration of the zipper in this story is perfectly haunting. The piece intrigues the reader, and leaves them wanting more. ............... Very creepy. The imagery in here is genuinely interesting and cuts deep, especially at the end when Cara's body is discovered............…....... The ambitious non-linear narrative and the changing voices as you focalize through different characters are impressive. ............………………………… WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - .............................. This piece tries to do too much in the given space and ends up selling itself short. The shifts in perspective can work much better in a longer story; here, that come off as largely disjointed. ............... The vignette format felt gratuitous, it didn't really add much to the story and felt like a weak attempt to make the story stand out more. Same goes for the poetry stuff, which may have felt right in another piece, but felt out of place here. ........................... The ambitious structure makes the story slightly difficult to follow, althought a second read-through clarifies what happened and when. Perhaps placing the second section--Grace's disappearance--first might be less jarring for the reader. The last section is also slightly unclear, though the parallel to the Christmas candles is strong and great running element of this compelling piece. ............…………………………… ----------------------------------------------------- To me, this speaks to how awesome and useful the forum feedback is. The judges got my dead character wrong, and poetry stuff? What poetry stuff???
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sunshinequeen
NYC Midnight Groupie Joined: 12 Aug 2015 Location: Alaska Status: Offline Points: 141 |
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Basically my feelings are way hurt by the second judge's dislikes. I hate that they thought I was being show-offy, when I just thought it was about time wax figures/stuffed humans had a voice, damnit.
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Archon1995
NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 30 Jul 2015 Location: Roswell, GA Status: Offline Points: 742 |
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I seem to have caught the judges in wanting to know more about Aoi & Davd's world as much as several of you were. Ah, the limits of length. :-) Uhm, I could have told this story about any of the children. Davd is special because he was receptive to Aoi's influence, but so were all the others she taught. Also, power and importance do not necessarily equate to heightened intelligence...just look at the current political landscape. ;-) ''The Origamist'' by Tracy Soldan - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...Fascinating worldbuilding. Strong prose, and good use of experimental language...................... |
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