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Flash Fiction Challenge #1 Group 39

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bchabek View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bchabek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Flash Fiction Challenge #1 Group 39
    Posted: 02 Dec 2018 at 9:13am
This may be too late for the Master List, but thought I'd put it up anyways. Thanks!
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DreamThief View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DreamThief Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Dec 2018 at 2:58pm
Hi there!

Cute story. Most important, you’ll want to take the link down from here and repost in the Flash Fic Challenge Review forum, since that’s the correct spot. I enjoyed the scene and Joey’s goal was adorable and 100% relatable. I think one of my favourite lines had to be ‘she may as well be known by her real name now that her magic was on ice.’ Really stunning turn of phrase; you had a bunch of others, too. A nice read. 

My only comments are about the voice of the piece and the ending. So, Joey’s narration and the descriptive words used were very formal and mature. While I got the distinct impression that you were going for a mature, snarky personality (Boss Baby just stuck in my head as a comparison) I think the descriptions could be toned down to be more age appropriate to both remind us that Joey’s still only six and to really juxtapose nicely against his holier-than-thou cynical attitude. 

The ending also struck me as a bit disorganised. Joey goes through a big metal door, which one assumes is staff only. This isn’t explicitly stated but given that Tray Lady aka Linda felt it was a safe place to put the samples I feel in can be safely assumed. Joey sneaks in after distracing Sam (I feel like getting her shoe off should have been harder, especially since she’s bigger and older than him. Consider a toy or hat maybe?) and gets knocked back into the arms of his dad - presumably falling through the door. It just struck me as weird that the dad didn’t make any comment about where Joey was or to ‘be careful there, champ’ before scooping him away from the prize. Maybe consider spending a tad less time in the car to get some more words to use here? 

Enjoyed the story, thanks!

DreamThief.
R1 - ...And other conversations - CRIME CAPER - 6 pts
R2 - Heart of the Mountain - GHOST STORY - 15 pts

R3 - Rain
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bchabek View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bchabek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Dec 2018 at 6:53pm
I appreciate the feedback! I agree: I went way over budget in words, and pulled a rather rude chop-job to squeeze it back in.
I’ll repost in the other thread. Thanks again!
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