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Beachlion12 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 12:25pm

Just wondering if I should join the next competition. Paid the fee this time, but didn't start writing until late last night because of idea paralysis. Now I wish I had had the courage. Anyone have any feedback? Thanks so much.



The Milky Way Wave 


It’s crowded up here now, but Space Station 58 began at the start of the COVID era when this least populated expanse of our great Universe became home to the aged as a remedy for the skyrocketing nursing home deaths that were widespread on planet Earth. Since then there’s been a population explosion in space stations for the aged.


Out here, all germs are neutralized. I’m 117 and have never felt healthier. In fact, I’m getting ready for the yearly Milky Way Wave Celebration. This celebration became tradition after Nicky Tomson’s legendary and pioneering ride on November 21, 2020. The oldest champion surfer in history, Nicky had surfed daily with the greatest on Earth. Now he surfs once a year on the only day of the Milky Way wave.

Nicky, at 137 years of age, is my surfing mentor. He taught me that the speed, duration, velocity, temperature, and intervals of this once a year wave are of no importance. They are what they are and will be what they will be. What’s crucial is to be able to surrender wholeheartedly to the annual sacred wave. 


And now, as I surrender to its energy and become one with the wave, I allow it to take me where it wants me to go. Most people are afraid to surrender to their sacred wind, but lifetime surfers understand that when there’s complete surrender, there’s a pure ecstasy that surfaces and sustains us until our next ride.


Randi
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote laritybug Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 12:48pm
It's good! Both with imagery and with story. It's just... Gummy? Feels like there's lots of extra words that you could cut to use to better drive story
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ashford Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 1:03pm
Aw, I wish you had submitted. Sometimes you just have to go with it - like you paid so at least they would have given you some feedback on your writing. I think you should go for it the next time there is a contest! 

I'm not much on critic so I will just ask you a few questions about the story (which I enjoyed):
-What is the most important thing you wanted to convey to the reader about being on Space Station 58?
-What exactly is the Milky Way Wave? Is this event held in space, like surfing nebulas, or star clusters? Or are you back on earth..
-What is so important about the MWW, and what happened to you physically while you rode it? are you still alive? did you slip and fall? what were you using to ride it (if in fact it wasn't the ocean you were surfing but some space matter?

Lots of questions I have - def piqued my curiosity. I'd like to see you enter a contest which allows for more words so you can really spread this idea out and bring it to life :) Keep writing!
"You must never be afraid to go there." ~Harlan Ellison
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote HHCrippen Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 1:18pm
So COVID was never cured? Thanks! Either that, or Granny gets blasted into a germ-free (?!) environment whether she wants to or not. I'm still processing all that when the story takes a left-turn into a treatise on surfing. Granny don't surf. It's a promising beginning, though. (DISCLAIMER: I am not a fiction writer or reader.)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beachlion12 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 1:21pm
Thx so much for your interest and feedback! I will expand it in answer to your questions for the exercise of it. Good luck on your entry : )
Randi
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote NERdling Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 1:22pm
What group were you in? I think the thing I keep in mind is that feedback helps you grow as a writer. I’m thankful you posted here even though you didn’t submit because it’s a huge step to opening yourself up. I freaked during my first FFC and had writers block for more than 24 of the 48 hours until my husband told me I shouldn’t write to win or to place but for fun - if I don’t take myself too seriously and put a ton of pressure on it, I’ll have more room for creativity. It was definitely way easier said than done given my adhd and intense anxiety, but it helped to ground me throughout the rest of the time and in the next round. The feedback from the judges is invaluable and super constructive - same as here on the forums. 

I love your premise. I think for this short of a word count focus on one specific thing instead of all the background - maybe do the action of surfing and infuse that with a ton of detail and the overall feeling of true surfers. Start with the action/description of the wave/Nicky surfing then move in to why it’s sacred and why Nicky is someone to follow, then finish with taking the plunge after Nicky. I think the beginning you have is important for you to know the details of your world, but readers can glean a lot of the important basics from action and description. 

Thanks for sharing! It takes a different kind of courage to post in the forums :)
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Beachlion12 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beachlion12 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 1:23pm
Thanks so much. Yes, probably a lot of unnecessary words. For a limit of 250 I should have written much more then edited the fluff out. I so appreciate your feedback : )
Randi
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beachlion12 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 1:29pm
Feeling so much better now. Love the constructive advice. I will try everything you said. I get so excited to write, but so paralyzed to submit (oh, wait, maybe I need to submit to my writing waves!!!!). Thank you so much for taking the time to help me : )
Randi
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beachlion12 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 1:31pm
Thanks! I'll work on that!!!
Randi
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beachlion12 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2020 at 1:32pm
Oh, group 76 fairytale/fantasy Action: surfing, Word: sharing (and I think I edited it outConfused).
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