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Sebaducks View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sebaducks Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 2:47pm
It's nice that it was pretty much positive, I don't have much to say in regards to my judge's feedback, flesh out the character backgrounds, make her breakdown worse & consider another title... Pretty much got all this from the forum but, meh, I can't complain with how it all went :)

- Congratulations on those who made it through- the standards have risen! Enjoy the free time before we all make our marks in the second coming!

''PINK COLTON'' by Sebastian Hayes - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCREENPLAY - I really liked your choice to have everyone know about Colton and that Amy’s having issues in her life, that was a really interesting, unique take, putting a mental health issue out in the open. I really enjoyed the depth of character development present throughout the screenplay. You did a great job of addressing a serious issue and contrasting it with the lighthearted spirit of an imaginary friend. I also liked the outcome and how Amy chose to have power over how her story was told. This was a very cute and imaginative script. I loved the way Colton was dramatized. 


 WHAT THE JUDGE(S) FEEL NEEDS WORK - I was surprised and delighted with the ending of this, I’m not sure why but I didn’t see it coming and I thought it was very smart and pretty powerful. So for the most part this really worked for me. I think I would’ve liked you to go a bit further with Amy’s breakdown, have her do something really bad and own up to it. I recommend revisiting the title to make it more appealing to a broader audience. I also suggest giving a bit more background as to when and how Colton appeared in Amy's life. I'm a little unclear as to what Amy's true goal in the end is. It's great that she's going to get help and not losing her friend, but it's still not entirely healthy to have an imaginary friend, is it?

 

Round1, Heat22, PINK COLTON
Round2, Heat 1, MANDALA
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_yA_OtUb1bpbUhDb2pZb3V2MXM
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sebaducks Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 2:48pm
P.S - what the hell is with all those ".......................................?" Am I missing something? lol
Round1, Heat22, PINK COLTON
Round2, Heat 1, MANDALA
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_yA_OtUb1bpbUhDb2pZb3V2MXM
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sebaducks Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 2:50pm
P.P.S - I F***ING LOVE MY TITLE! - subjectivity for you I suppose :)
Round1, Heat22, PINK COLTON
Round2, Heat 1, MANDALA
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_yA_OtUb1bpbUhDb2pZb3V2MXM
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Vernacula Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 3:17pm
Originally posted by Sebaducks Sebaducks wrote:

P.S - what the hell is with all those ".......................................?" Am I missing something? lol


Those are the breaks between each judge's notes. Don't know why it looks like you only had one judge (unless you removed your ......................s LOL)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FlickerFusion Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 3:22pm
Ok, I was kind of bitter this morning about my feedback.  I should just shut-up and be thankful I made it through.  Ouch Congrats to everyone. I see a lot of familiar names/scripts that I read who made it through to Rd. 2.  Love, peace and better prompts to us all in the next one.

''Falling In Love Again'' by Sara Bogin

WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCREENPLAY - ...............You have a good choice of names for your characters which is an art in itself. I love how Dorothy's no-nonsense quips in the opening scene really differentiate her dialogue from the lawyer's. You very deftly sketch the husband's lack of interest in his wife, especially on their Anniversary, and his reference to his secretary immediately plants suspicion in the audience's minds................The relationship between Abigail and Dorothy was interesting and well done. I liked the reveal at the end.....................................I love the rich breakfast scene where Abigail confesses to Dorothy as an innocent Jeffrey listens around the edges. I like Andrew's compassion and passion to see justice done for Dorothy.....

WHAT THE JUDGE(S) FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...............Your log-line gives away too much: I don't want to know right up front before I begin reading a screenplay that someone has been framed. In fact, I think it would work better if both women were baking the cake together before Dorothy was dismissed for the day. That way we would have to wonder which one of them included the arsenic. I want the plot to reveal that very salient point of Dorothy's innocence over time, in the deathbed confessional letter. Overall I found a storyline depressing, in that I don't like to see someone who's already in an inferior servile position sacrificing themselves to people who are more well-to-do and entitled. Dorothy is the underdog here, and audiences like to root for the underdog. But she's not getting much of a chance at life, being set free so late in it. The whole thing would be more satisfactory if the mistress of the home had developed say, an aggressive cancer while still relatively young, and guilty, and this gave Dorothy more of a lease on life as a middle-aged woman regaining freedom................The character of the lawyer Andrew could have been much stronger. He felt like a device more than a character, and some of the language of the letter was awkward.....................................Your story is clear, but a bit too easy. Dorothy needs powerful obstacles and motivations now in the present like she did in the past--otherwise, this is just someone telling a tale. I think it could still be in Jeffrey--or elsewhere. That's up to you. I think you're going to have to let Abigail act some more so that we can understand her and her motivations. You can find time for this by tightening your descriptionsn, having information carried through visuals instead of dialogue, and beginning scenes later and ending them sooner. For instance, the breakfast scene only needs one moment of Dodo -- Jeffrey bonding and one knowing piece of visual evidence to pass between Abigail and Dorothy. Make us believe that Dorothy loves Abigail enough to have committed the murder, before revealing the truth. But that revelation has got to come at a cost in order for your script to end powerfully.............….................................……………………………………………………………
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote weebil Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 7:06pm
As someone mentioned, the comments mirrored things said on the forum, but I think that's a good thing. It means everyone agrees what the problems are, which in my mind makes for an easier 'fix'.
Congrats on those going forward, I'm excited to see what's up next!


Patience'' by S.A. Devlin - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCREENPLAY - ........................Absolutely love the opening, I was immediately drawn in by the quote. Fantastic character descriptions. Really delicately crafted beginning, you created a lot of sympathy for the protagonist right away in very little time. Descriptions like this: "Big hair, multiple rubber bracelets, and colorful sunglasses date the photo to the 80's (...) youthful arms are outspread as if embracing the city (...)" are so well written, succinct, but illustrative. So many good touches like the old Asian woman being the one to cut in line in front of her. ........................Writing is great.  Important topic addressed and addressed well.  Main character is well developed.  Wonderful opening quote......................Focusing on Ms. Lopez makes the script affecting and relatable. The setting of grocery/Governor stand is an efficient way to convey larger themes..........….................................……………………………………………………………  WHAT THE JUDGE(S) FEEL NEEDS WORK - ........................Dialogue like, "MANAGER: Well, folks, that's all for the hams today! We've just welcomed our 100th customer. But please feel free to come in and shop, and don't forget to fill out the form for our sweepstakes!" could've been more clever or interesting while still keeping your tone. Every line is an opportunity to captivate if you're a skilled writer, which you are. I really enjoyed the tone of this, but the ending was just a bit confusing. It could've provided more resolution, even if just for one of the characters. This was one of my top ranked.........................The point of the Young Man is unknown.  How does he drive the story forward?  A lot of words are unnecessarily in caps.  Caps only need to be used when introducing a new important character, a sound that is not human (bell RINGS) or if the writer feels it vital to draw the readers attention to something.  There's certainly leeway, but don't go overboard.    .....................Pretty grim. Doesn't reveal much about political issues or how to resolve them. The private lender's (if it was the young man) role is unclear. What were the motivations behind the shooting? Was it intentionally a misfire to garner support? Why does Thompson then go back on his promises regarding Healthcare? The tone is uneven-- the supermarket rush was humorous, but the ending was melodromatic and tragic..........…..............................
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote QuietAmerican Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 7:32pm
Great feedback.

This is actually the best feedback I've gotten form these events.

However it seems that they didn't get my running joke about the cities ending in an 'ee' sound but that's ok.

The judge just wanted more from the script then I was able to provide.

Fun contest thanks for all the feedback.
The feedback from the judges on your Screenwriting Challenge 2016 1st Round screenplay is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful and you enjoyed the competition!

''Drama on the Boulevard'' by Brendan


- WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCREENPLAY - A cute story and well paced story. Good job driving the story and action and developing character via dialogue. I like how the characters banter with each other................What I enjoyed most about your tale is the Mythic underpinning, one that goes even deeper then these modern-day fictional characters. If you go back to the Bible, with Adam and Eve, Adam is the one who wants to stay in Eden, with the rivers running in four directions and everything satisfying but always the same. Eve is the one who wants to bite the apple, learn more, evolve. When characters are polarized in a plot, that great for conflict, frustration, and dynamic engagement. Then there comes a plot-point when it's classic to bring in an outsider to break up that polarity and challenge it. You do that very well with Sadie as the one who offers Todd bite of the apple of authenticity. It also works very well that Hank/Robin played a sidekick in his Boulevard routine as well as in their friendship...............................It’s a really fun idea to focus on the secret lives of costumed characters. I loved how there’s an established culture and rituals to this job, and the characters seem to have some pride in they’re work, to the point that it’s described with dramatic seriousness (“Nature abhors a vacuum.”) Fun dialogue, I liked the jokes about the various statements of the different Leia costumes. .................................….................................…………………………………………………………… WHAT THE JUDGE(S) FEEL NEEDS WORK - Although the buddy aspect is strong, it would be nice to see Todd and Leia have more interaction so we see the love connection. Consider having them meet up, making a mess out of things and bringing them back together via a grand romantic gesture - like Leia showing up in the slave girl costume. ...............NYC Midnight is not a stickler on typos but occasionally they stand out glaringly and need to be addressed: when you're talking about places that have a lot of E's in them then it's important that you spell them with said E's: Poughkeepsie. Speaking of which there is no E at the end of vacuum, which again I wouldn't mention except it's the last line in your story so, again, it stands out. You're all over the map with where Batman and Black Widow moved, everywhere from Miami to Albany and points in between: either have them guessing or have them knowing. In a romcom you can keep things lite, and yet I think there's room here to go a little bit deeper: you can have your hero and heroine share with their friends why they've chosen the larger-than-life characters they want to embody. And the friends can assure them that they personally already have some of those desired qualities, and that having a sweetheart might bring out the rest. That way they can understand that it's time to forsake the artifice and embrace life more genuinely...............................I didn’t get how falling in love seems to automatically mean ending the costume life, enough that it’s Todd’s biggest concern about dating Leia even though she’s also a costumed character. I can buy this as a symbolic fear, that dating someone means having to put your real identity forward without the pretense of your character identity, but it reads like he’s genuinely concerned that dating someone means having to get married and move away from the boulevard. You could be clearer about what Todd’s and Leia’s real fears are. .................................….................................……………………………………………………………
R2 G48 2017 Flash Fiction

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Emmageek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 7:44pm
Currently, formatting rules are not big on cuts or fades or The End but I guess some of the readers thought it was important.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Emmageek Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 7:46pm
StephwithanF-

I felt the same way.  It felt that because it wasn't written the way they wanted it, that they would tell us how to write the script instead of reading each script on its own merit.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Scarlet Screenwriter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2016 at 7:48pm


I'm getting confused ... it used to be Feedback was posted at the end of the review posts ... no respect for traditions ...


LOL ... ONE OF THESE GUYS REALLY HATED IT ... I'm surprised I even got 5th place ... or the other screenplays were really shjt!  Imagine admonishing me about budget blowouts after saying it doesn't matter ... and "at this level in your career"?  Phuck You!  What do you know about my career?  And I know the "it was all a dream" was a cop out ... THAT WAS THE IDEA!  Where do they get these judges ... are they all NYCMMM dropouts?



''SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE DEAD'' by Randall Berger -

WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR SCREENPLAY - ..........................................

Reads stylish. This was out of the box thinking and I like that.  Your dialog was pretty good and you certainly had me guessing as to what was going on till the end reveal.  I liked how you started with vaguely familiar movie scenes and built up to blatant. You've obviously got some skills................This is a series of humorous vignettes. With a backing knowledge of some cinema, I was able to enjoy all of the references the writer put in. Although there isn’t much purpose to it, this is an enjoyable read. ............Original take on the "near-death" experience. .........….................................…………………………………………………………… 

WHAT THE JUDGE(S) FEEL NEEDS WORK - ..........................................

Personally I find the, "it was all a dream" thing, a writing cop out. It's what you do when you have a nifty idea but can't figure out how to make it work.  I think when the viewer gets to the end they get really annoyed with the writer.  While budget is not a consideration for this contest, so no points were taken off, you should always keep in mind shooting expenses.  This would be a very expensive shoot, lots of sets, locations, legal rights to movies, characters, music etc...  At this level of your carrer the bigger the budget the less likely a film is to be made................While the vignettes work, they only work for someone with backing knowledge of popular American cinema. What is the point of the overall story? By the end of it, we know why he’s been having fever dreams of films and drowning, but there’s no purpose to it. While fun, this piece needs a clearer character arc and journey. ............Hard to characterize this as a 'mystery.' The end is a play on The Matrix,  I assume, which weakens its' impact. I think it would be better if Peter was lucid dreaming/in a coma.
It would resonate better; otherwise it just re-uses other plots instead of creating a strong narrative apart from them..........….................................……………………………………………………………






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