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HarrisonFordLova View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote HarrisonFordLova Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 6:53am
I'm pretty stoked on my feedback! And I scored points too which really surprised me. Yay! I'm getting there :) 

'Love Comes Unstuck' 

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1812}  This is an emotionally charged, character-driven screenplay with a good hook. The ending comes as a surprise but the build-up of tension leading up to it makes it all believable.  {1628}  Ending was a good shocker with a great message over the heart. Set up was good also but after establishing Edward trailing them it got somewhat lost and meanding till the ending.  {1610}  ~ You do a good job accelerating Edward's tension and animosity.

~ ...and that provides great contrast to the sweetness of the Valentine's project.

~ I like that, initially we don't know that Edward is an ex-spouse, that he could be a Private Eye.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1812}  We don't know the backstory; whether Jane is married to Edward and having an affair with Michael or whether Edward is the jealous ex-husband. So the heart of the story isn't clear. We need to know the whys of Edward's stalking and eventual crash into the store for the screenplay to make sense. The questions need to be answered and this can only happen through dialogue. To make sure there is no mix-up of characters, use names instead of pronouns. For example, "Edward (He) dials his phone and gets out of the car." Because in the next scene, "Michael walks across the road while talking" so these two scenes are confusing as to which character is which. And then again, Standing by the window...Edward (he) peers through."

The ending isn't clear. Did Jane and Michael survive? Are they being interviewed? Let the audience know what's going on at the end. Don't leave them wondering if the couple survived.  {1628}  Confusingly written at times - p. 3 "He" takes Michael's sticky note - who is "he"?  From the way it is written it seems it should be Michael but I think you meant Edward.  Could really use a rewrite to clarify who is doing what, where and when.  Also, might benefit from a quick, casual encounter between Edward staking out Jane and Michael.  Then could have Michael look out and see Edward in the car before he's killed - so Michael knows why he's being killed (also Jane).  {1610}  ~ The first time you introduce a character by name, CAP it, even if you have already referred to her as "YOUNG WOMAN."

~ I realize that your logline says that "a young woman tries to move on," but it would also help if, in the body of your script, you contrast her lack of wedding ring with Edward's obviously retension of his.

For example, you could close in on her hand while she's working on her crafts, and show that place on her ring finger has paler flash then the rest, indicating where a band used to be.



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Andrea View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Andrea Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 10:00am
Late to post my feedback.  After several different competitions with NYC (I know some of you have been doing them for years),  I've begun to feel like the feedback doesn't really help me understand how the points work.  It's interesting to read, but doesn't offer any help between challenges.  There never seems to be a clear correlation between the notes and the points I receive.  A few times a judge offers a new insight or note that helps me, which is great, but it still isn't clear how the notes correlate to their decision making. It's a game with mercurial rules.  And if I keep entering, I guess I need to make peace with that. 

Second Screenplay  14 points:

''Lambs to Slaughter'' 

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY –

 1739}  The mythology of this story is very cool. Exposition is giving in a nicely light handed way. 

 {1758}  This is an intriguing and well-conceived Sci Fi script. The idea of humans willingly sacrificing lower class citizens is a frightening yet very real possibility under certain circumstances. You do a good job creating diverse characters who react like real people. 

  {1733}  I liked the subtlety and nuance of your actions. The slip of the knife in the commotion was touched upon just enough to be noticable. 

 WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK –

 {1739}  Somehow, Charlotte comes off as more sympathetic than Amiyah. Since Charlotte is obviously an employee of whatever entity has made this deal with the Betonos, consider making what she says incorrect. What if the 'chosen' weren't just the dregs of society? What if they were a specific religious group or had a specific skin color. Then, doctors and stand up citizens would be targets along with the homeless and the weary. 

 {1758}  The following comments are intended to provide ideas for helping you improve your script in future rewrites. Your work has a lot going for it and I encourage you to continue editing and refining it. The one major issue I had was with the contents of the backpacks. Giving people who could be losing their lives in a very short time real weapons seems like a very bad idea. I could imagine giving these unlucky citizens their backpacks with knives as they are dropped off on the other planet, but not in a classroom before they leave. You might consider other ways for Amiyah to get her hands on a weapon. 

 {1733}  You didn't leave enough room for a finale. It felt like if we had watched it on the big screen, it would be a cliffhanger more than a succinct ending. Next time, edit harder so you have room to stick the landing, so to speak.

I think the feedback was accurate, I just am shocked this piece did as well point wise as it did.  

First piece Zero points:

'Where Dreams are Made''

 WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY –

{1729}  You painted a vivid and compelling landscape of post-apocalyptic Los Angeles. The setting complemented the characters and plot beautifully. The characters and dialogue were engaging and believable, and the story was reminiscent of a Sam Shepard play. 

 {437}  I thought this story was very interesting. I liked that in the midst of devastation, they’re still slaves to heroin. I liked the irony of “City of Angels” becoming something darker. I liked how you ended on that final sad note. 

 {1724}  A great set up of a dystopian LA. Especially since it's such a huge contrast to the city it is presently. The dialogue between Mercy and Ben shows great chemistry. 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK –

 {1729}  Watch out for punctuation and spelling errors like "throws" instead of "throes". This is a well-written piece but small mistakes in the language can detract from the quality of the script and make it seem like you did not take sufficient time to proofread your own work! 

 {437}  What happened to the city exactly (War? Zombies?) How did Mercy and Ben survive it? We don’t know what either “it” is until we see them (the drugs and the spoon), which makes Ben’s frantic searching a bit confusing – we don’t understand his urgency because we don’t know it’s drugs. 

{1724}  There is little progress / movement to the story. And not a lot of information to keep the reader engaged. Hard to care about a person looking to get high. Maybe a better goal for the protagonist to pursue? Also, how did the city turn dystopian? How did these two survive? Not all questions have to be answered, but there should be enough exposition to ground the story.

You all know I think my first piece was far superior.  Oh, well.  But since I disagree with a lot of the notes they gave me on my first piece, and since my feedback on the forums was more consistent with my feelings, I'm left not learning much about how the hell is all works.  I felt like my first piece was more authentic and original and my second piece was maybe more commercial and obvious.  

So, am I writing for me, or to try to move forward in the competitions?  

Thanks for indulging my rant.    

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cheezopath View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote cheezopath Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 10:09am
I think the points breakdown in the rules pdf are a much better thing to consider when making sense of your placement, where the specific feedback is more useful for if you intend to continue working on the piece.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote rossinny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 10:16am
Hey Andrea,
 
It still bamboozles me that your first story scored zero.
 
This bit of feedback is particularly puzzling: "Hard to care about a person looking to get high."  Why is it? Why isn't that a valid and compelling human motivation? I certainly cared. Just like I cared about Renton et al in Welsh's Trainspotting. It sounds as though this judge is being a bit moralistic about it, which seems odd.
 
I think inevitably the judging isn't always just about your skill as a writer but how the individual judge reacts personally to your piece, bringing in all their own personal discriminations, opinions and emotions to bear on that. I guess you were just very unlucky with the individual judges selected for your group in this instance.
 
Still though, this remains the biggest WTF?! zero score that I've seen. If it's any consolation.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Andrea Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 10:19am
I agree, Cheezopath, I just don't get how my thermometer figuring out what pieces are successful vs. which aren't, is so off.   I find it impossible to believe in the same group of thirty, my first piece garnered no points and my second 14. I didn't improve that much between them.  Had they been the other way around, I would've understood.  I know I had a typo in the first one, but the forum only found the one. The difficulty here is the inherent subjectivity of judging writing, and the fact that judges score based on their personal backgrounds and likes. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Andrea Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 10:21am
Originally posted by rossinny rossinny wrote:

Hey Andrea,
 
It still bamboozles me that your first story scored zero.
 
This bit of feedback is particularly puzzling: "Hard to care about a person looking to get high."  Why is it? Why isn't that a valid and compelling human motivation? I certainly cared. Just like I cared about Renton et al in Welsh's Trainspotting. It sounds as though this judge is being a bit moralistic about it, which seems odd.
 
I think inevitably the judging isn't always just about your skill as a writer but how the individual judge reacts personally to your piece, bringing in all their own personal discriminations, opinions and emotions to bear on that. I guess you were just very unlucky with the individual judges selected for your group in this instance.
 
Still though, this remains the biggest WTF?! zero score that I've seen. If it's any consolation.

Thanks, I appreciate you're thoughts.  I've ruminated over that particular bit of feedback too.  I'm just happy that I don't know that judge, because he/she doesn't seem to have much human compassion.  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote JeffreyHowe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 10:36am
Hope that judge isn't doing group 3 this time around...
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tim G Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 10:40am
I liked them both very much (sorry for not getting round to commenting on R2, I just read it now!).

But yes I'm with you, in terms of creating a totally original world that felt new to me, your R1 screenplay was the better; really very special. So add me to the list of people who can only reassure you that this game's subjective and there do indeed seem to be judges who run out of things to say and start projecting their morals. I guess I'd be tempted too on script 35 of the day...

Sorry!

By the way, sidenote; I VIVIDLY remember your first story, and also commenting on it; but the comment I notice isn't anywhere to be seen; did you delete it, do you even remember it being there? Cos that's weird. It was commenting about how I'd have loved to know more about the origin/cause of the apocalypse but didn't mind that it was withheld in the interests of fitting to 5 pages.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote lisafox10800 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 11:33am
Originally posted by rossinny rossinny wrote:

 
I think inevitably the judging isn't always just about your skill as a writer but how the individual judge reacts personally to your piece, bringing in all their own personal discriminations, opinions and emotions to bear on that. I guess you were just very unlucky with the individual judges selected for your group in this instance.
 
Still though, this remains the biggest WTF?! zero score that I've seen. If it's any consolation.

^^What Ross said. An individual's response to art is so completely subjective. And... there are many human factors that come into play in the judging process itself:

- The judges' own personal experience (With your script, perhaps the reader lost someone to a heroin addiction? And brought their own bias to your story)
- The order in which the scripts/stories are read - is there an advantage to being the first one read, the last one read, or somewhere in between? And how do you fare based on recency effect - what influence does the last three scripts they read have on your score?
- Did the judge just skim through your script without taking the time to really read and digest the nuances?
- Were they simply just having a bad day when your script was next on the pile to read?

You know I loved both of your scripts, especially Round 1. And you are an incredibly gifted writer. 

Unfortunately, I think you drew closed-minded judges in Round 1.

Keep going. Onward. Heart
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Andrea Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jan 2018 at 11:55am
Originally posted by Tim G Tim G wrote:

I liked them both very much (sorry for not getting round to commenting on R2, I just read it now!).

But yes I'm with you, in terms of creating a totally original world that felt new to me, your R1 screenplay was the better; really very special. So add me to the list of people who can only reassure you that this game's subjective and there do indeed seem to be judges who run out of things to say and start projecting their morals. I guess I'd be tempted too on script 35 of the day...

Sorry!

By the way, sidenote; I VIVIDLY remember your first story, and also commenting on it; but the comment I notice isn't anywhere to be seen; did you delete it, do you even remember it being there? Cos that's weird. It was commenting about how I'd have loved to know more about the origin/cause of the apocalypse but didn't mind that it was withheld in the interests of fitting to 5 pages.

Tim, thanks for this.  I'm glad it stuck with you.  Do you mean your comments?  I haven't deleted anything.  That's weird if its gone.  I remember you leaving feedback...  Hmmm.    
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