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steph9289 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 1:59pm
Suppose I'll start it off!!
 
Witch Way - 3 points
 
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY
 
{1651}  The world of this story blends both fantasy and near future. I enjoyed the concept of Mind Mart; it seems like an Amazon for witches. 
 
{1733}  I thought the story spine was very cute. The cat being her sister was a very touching reveal. Great job in choosing elements wisely! 
 
{1569}  The script read like a teen girl with an Amazon Prime app on her phone (but with faster delivery). The mix of puzzles, action, and assorted problem solving was engaging and entertaining.  Ellie turning from cat to little sister was a surprise, which made the ending satisfying. 
 
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
 
{1651}  I don't understand why Becca hurls her phone on the cushion next to her, except that you need her phone to missing for the next plot point. But then nothing happens with the bird. It would make more sense if you focused on Becca fighting hurdles by buying things on Mind Mart and then running out of squills when she has to fight the biggest obstacle. 
 
{1733}  There was so much that we didn't necessarily understand and put together with the couch and the doorways. If we hear the meowing cat in the distance and see it reflected in an orb on a coffee table in front of the couch what is at stake as a constant reminder, we can really get why she must keep on keeping on! 
 
{1569}  Becca might have been a stronger protagonist if she hadn't wholly relied on her phone. All her magic seemed stored in there, and the reliance on tech made her seem less resourceful. When she was subjected to magic - she seemed surprised (as when she landed back on the love seat in the living room). This reaction felt plot, rather than character driven.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gandalf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 2:05pm
From my post in the Review thread:

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – 

{1640}  I was delighted that you had a reasonable explanation for not using a flashlight and it was a smart way to use the turpentine element. Lot's of action sequences once the beast becomes involved.  Your dialog is pretty good, it sounds real and appropriate to character.  

{1733}  I like that we visually got her reason for this chase at the end and that you trusted the audience enough to show rather than tell. Great instinct!  

{1569}  Good use of genre techniques: stalking, jack-in-the-boxes (2 surprise attacks) fighting, and killing. Claire was a good protagonist, and played off against Todd well. Todd's death was a good plot twist and allowed Claire to save herself.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – 

{1640}  Your longline is pretty vague, you need a little more information.  This script is closer to the horror genre than action/adventure. Make sure you understand the paramaters of your assignment before you start.  You need to give us at least a cursory description of the beast when it first attacks, I need something to picture as I read.  You say she sees the beast in the mirrors reflection, but what mirror?  You need some history in this piece.  What is this thing, when did she first meet it?  If she did confront it before why doesn't she know where to find it and Todd does?  How did it get the locket?  A few lines of dialog would clear things up.  

{1733}  The actual reason should have come earlier and been repeated at the end of the story visually. We would really have felt more of the impact of the fight if we knew why she was fighting so hard in advance.  

{1569}  The opening felt a bit long. The expository information in their conversation felt incomplete rather than mysterious . Introducing the beast/opponent and getting into action sooner (or even starting in the middle of the action) might have been more exciting and worked to hide the necessary exposition better.

--

I'm confused by some of 1640's critiques. Literally everything s/he queries is explained and/or self-evident from the screenplay, I think. The other judges seemed to "get it", at least. Oh well.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rossinny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 3:52pm
I'm trialling an intriguing / annoying new approach - posting the judge feedback but not the script itself! You'll have to piece together the story from the feedback haha.

I'm actually mainly posting this because I'm so proud that someone complimented me on my CHARACTER NAMES! I am rubbish at character names haha.

''THE HONOURABLE WAY'' by Ross Williams -   

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -

{1794} I liked how you provided ample backstory for Benjamin. I felt pity for him, because of his wife and children. I especially liked the detail about taking the girls out on a sunny day.

{437} I quite liked the double switch – that Octavian framed Benjamin, and then that Benjamin faked his death. I also like what a jerk Oppenheimer is – seems believable for such a high-stakes business.

{1610} ~ Great choices of names.
~ You very deftly sketched out the world of high stakes and ominous threats in which your players dwell ~ the lethal pressure bearing down on them like the winds of the descending helicopter.
~ Benjamin's longing to take his daughter to the park on this sunny day was most poignant.
~ Great arc re Octavian who appeared sympathetic and supportive initially only to be revealed as the utmost cad by the finale.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -

{1794} For me, the twist at the end happens very quickly. I think there's a way for you to slow that down and smooth it out, so it feels like a better-earned pay-off.

{437} Octavian’s line about Benjamin’s wife doesn’t feel necessary (or at least have Benjamin comment on it at the end). Naturally, we want to know what happens to Octavian, so the end feels a bit unresolved.

{1610} ~ It seemed utterly bizarre that Oppenheimer would only notice Benjamin as an afterthought, given what a clear and open staging a helipad provides.
~ Benjamin's emotional response when he "comes to" after faking his demise is too one-note: given that he just learned that Octavian had not only betrayed him but had designs on his wife. I imagine he would be a jumble of anger and triumph.
Ch 3 SSC SNAIL MALE
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Scarlet Screenwriter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 4:13pm


'NOT ONE JUDGE MENTIONED THE SHIPPING CONTAINER!!!!!

Only 5 points, but it got me into round 2 ...


'CESARE'S SALAD'' by Randall Berger -   

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -

{1636} The dialogue is strong and the premise is enticing. Camille and Cesare have a believable and immediately entertaining rapport.

{786} Good job in giving us telling and descriptive scene descriptions that really put us into the story. The setting gives this story an interesting and fun vibe. I love how at the end ending, Camille changes her name.

{1739} Cesare is very likable. His chemistry with Camille is nice from the start.


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -

{1636} The genre of the piece is a bit unclear. At the end, the romantic possibility presents itself, but the majority of these five pages read like the first act of a much longer screenplay.

{786} Amp up the chemistry between Camille and Cesare. It would be nice to see them flirt and banter more. With that said, you want might to change the pacing of the story so it focuses more on the characters and less on the makings of the salad.

{1739} Consider adding a few more moments of levity between Cesare and Camille. When she suggests marriage, it kind of comes out of left field.






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Is he in heaven or is he in hell, that damned elusive Scarlet Screenwriter! (Oh, phuck, that doesn't even rhyme!)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tim G Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 4:13pm
Originally posted by rossinny rossinny wrote:

I'm trialling an intriguing / annoying new approach - posting the judge feedback but not the script itself! You'll have to piece together the story from the feedback haha.

I'm actually mainly posting this because I'm so proud that someone complimented me on my CHARACTER NAMES! I am rubbish at character names haha.

''THE HONOURABLE WAY'' by Ross Williams -   

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -

{1794} I liked how you provided ample backstory for Benjamin. I felt pity for him, because of his wife and children. I especially liked the detail about taking the girls out on a sunny day.

{437} I quite liked the double switch – that Octavian framed Benjamin, and then that Benjamin faked his death. I also like what a jerk Oppenheimer is – seems believable for such a high-stakes business.

{1610} ~ Great choices of names.
~ You very deftly sketched out the world of high stakes and ominous threats in which your players dwell ~ the lethal pressure bearing down on them like the winds of the descending helicopter.
~ Benjamin's longing to take his daughter to the park on this sunny day was most poignant.
~ Great arc re Octavian who appeared sympathetic and supportive initially only to be revealed as the utmost cad by the finale.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -

{1794} For me, the twist at the end happens very quickly. I think there's a way for you to slow that down and smooth it out, so it feels like a better-earned pay-off.

{437} Octavian’s line about Benjamin’s wife doesn’t feel necessary (or at least have Benjamin comment on it at the end). Naturally, we want to know what happens to Octavian, so the end feels a bit unresolved.

{1610} ~ It seemed utterly bizarre that Oppenheimer would only notice Benjamin as an afterthought, given what a clear and open staging a helipad provides.
~ Benjamin's emotional response when he "comes to" after faking his demise is too one-note: given that he just learned that Octavian had not only betrayed him but had designs on his wife. I imagine he would be a jumble of anger and triumph.

There is a LOT going on here :) 

Glad you found time for a twist, you're London's answer to M Night Shlamylanylaalnynaln
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote J_Fox Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 4:23pm
''Terror Nova'' by Jason Fox

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 

{786}  I enjoyed the originality of the premise. The story has strong elements of comedy and very entertaining dialogue. Good job in giving an interesting and funny spin to a historic set tale.  

{1610}  ~ VERY clever Title!
~ You have a gift for deftly painting your characters via their dialogue.
~ I liked the subtle way you revealed that both Scott & Wilson were on the same page when it came to knowing the significance of the "gift":
"Captain Scott, you know what this is."
~ This is so poetically captivating, conveying that liminal realm necessary for any deep transformation, that I suggest you use a space to set it apart from the next sentence:
"An eerie twilight hangs over the bottom of the world."  

{1628}  Exceedingly well done.  Great dialogue ably illustrates the stalwart bravery of the English Explorers.  The lore on the hamster curse is a great homage to usual horror/ghost movies and plays as if it's real (and may be?).  Scott, Oates and the others are all believable and sympathetic characters and we salute them for  their fortitude and spirit.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 

{786}  The comedic tone feels like it comes into play a little too far in and at times, is a little inconstant. Introduce the comedic vibe in the begining super so we know the kind of story we're in for.  I would reiterate the comedy in Amundsen's letter to Scott.  

{1610}  ~ One issue I have with your story-line's composition is that it is too heavy right from start and then stays that way --- right from your log line which posits this crew are not only losers of top honors in the race to the Pole but then are subjected to doom.
When it comes to composing a plot, it's best to have some rhythmic alternating current between positive and negative threads. Otherwise, studies have shown, after three negative beats in a row, the audience will laugh at the next, just for relief. 
In your case, and I'm a person who LOVES cultural & mythic lore, I had to laugh @ the Ukufa Komlilo/the Criceto Malvagio.
~ I didn't understand your ending. I thought that by going outside to his solitary death, Oates would be saving the other men from his fate. But then suddenly you have Bowers with deadly hamster in hand...???  

{1628}  Not sure WHY Bowers picks up the dead hamster after Oates is stricken and Scott has already told them all about the curse.  If he does this before, it's not made clear.


Edited by J_Fox - 11 Jan 2018 at 4:24pm
Ch4: China Doll
Ch3: Love Buds
Ch2: <a href="http://brinx.it/3Ln" rel="nofollow">Terror Nova</a
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Andrea Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 4:26pm
Originally posted by steph9289 steph9289 wrote:

Suppose I'll start it off!!
 
Witch Way - 3 points
 
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY
 
{1651}  The world of this story blends both fantasy and near future. I enjoyed the concept of Mind Mart; it seems like an Amazon for witches. 
 
{1733}  I thought the story spine was very cute. The cat being her sister was a very touching reveal. Great job in choosing elements wisely! 
 
{1569}  The script read like a teen girl with an Amazon Prime app on her phone (but with faster delivery). The mix of puzzles, action, and assorted problem solving was engaging and entertaining.  Ellie turning from cat to little sister was a surprise, which made the ending satisfying. 
 
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
 
{1651}  I don't understand why Becca hurls her phone on the cushion next to her, except that you need her phone to missing for the next plot point. But then nothing happens with the bird. It would make more sense if you focused on Becca fighting hurdles by buying things on Mind Mart and then running out of squills when she has to fight the biggest obstacle. 
 
{1733}  There was so much that we didn't necessarily understand and put together with the couch and the doorways. If we hear the meowing cat in the distance and see it reflected in an orb on a coffee table in front of the couch what is at stake as a constant reminder, we can really get why she must keep on keeping on! 
 
{1569}  Becca might have been a stronger protagonist if she hadn't wholly relied on her phone. All her magic seemed stored in there, and the reliance on tech made her seem less resourceful. When she was subjected to magic - she seemed surprised (as when she landed back on the love seat in the living room). This reaction felt plot, rather than character driven.

I loved your story when I read it as a beta.  What I think is funny about your feedback, is how pleased they seem to figure out that the Amazon idea when it was clear as a bell.  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lalafulton Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 5:40pm
I am.....annoyed by the feedback? I wish I knew exactly what I was losing points for, like did I get points knocked off because my paragraphs were big blocks of text?

I need like a grading rubric or something!!!

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 
{1733}  I liked your visceral visual descriptions. They were thoughtfully drawn images! 

{1651}  The world of this story feels futuristic and rife with conflict. The action flowed easily on the page.  

{1628}  Despite lack of dialogue I found it an interesting glimpse into an alternate future. Rot is engaging an resourceful as a lead character and her revenge on Much (I think you meant Muck) is gory but deserved.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 
{1733}  The lack of dialogue felt like a detriment here; you really could have used that final element to really show your skills in all techniques used to compose a really well-rounded script. It felt like a piece was missing, unfortunately. But good job overall and best wishes for you! Rock on!
  
{1651}  Rot is the first person we're introduced to, so we want to empathize with her, but she doesn't seem to experience any sort of change at the end. Without change/transformation/thought, it would be the same as following an animal. Also logistically, how long have these people been on this island to create this Mad Max-esque culture? It couldn't have been that long if she recognizes what a yacht is and its words on the boat. If she hasn't been there long, why hasn't she tried to escape before this moment? Overall, this story needs more character development, specifically in Rot. (And hopefully Muck, too).  

{1628}  With no dialogue, the uniformity of the pages is a bit off-putting; try varying your descriptive paragraphs - one line here, three there, etc.
CH 1 | Group 28 | Fantasy | Heroics
CH 2 | Group 28 | Action/Adventure | Fresh Air
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Splinker Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 5:42pm
!


''Pedrito'' by Adam Sifre (14 points) - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1640} Lots to like here. Your dialog is really strong, it sounds natural, witty, and appropriate to each character. Speaking of characters, you made them all (except henchmen) individuals with their own attitudes and quirks. Nice twist at the end. You descriptive narrative is clear and easy to follow. Out-of-the-box premise. You've obviously got skills. {1733} I really enjoyed the clever hunt for Pedrito as well as the small touch of what the parrot was trained to say. Great work! {1569} The premise - finding Hemingway's parrot - is excellent. Carlos and Maria bickering was fun. The ending was a excellent.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1640} What this lacks is action sequences. All you gave me was a brief moment of the bad guy waving his gun in their general direction. Not much fun in that. You have an unlimited budget, go for it! {1733} You could really add more to this story if you gave us a little backstory on why this means so much to Maria. Is there an emotional tie as well? Perhaps there's a significant reason she needs this money? Is she distantly related to Hemingway? All the little things can really add up! {1569} Transitions (CUT TO, FADE TO, DISSOLVE TO, etc.) are post production commands usually added by an editor. They are unnecessary in a reading script.

Don't "direct from the page" calling for shots, angles, etc.

Pedrito died in Rome in 1994 (which is fine - that might have been the wrong bird, or the death might have been faked).

Few genre techniques were used. More varied techniques might have been better.

Ramon was introduced late in the script. Seeing or at least hearing about him earlier might have been better.

Both Maria and Carlos' dialog felt a little long.

Edited by Splinker - 11 Jan 2018 at 5:43pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lisafox10800 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jan 2018 at 5:48pm
Originally posted by Splinker Splinker wrote:

!


''Pedrito'' by Adam Sifre (14 points) - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1640} Lots to like here. Your dialog is really strong, it sounds natural, witty, and appropriate to each character. Speaking of characters, you made them all (except henchmen) individuals with their own attitudes and quirks. Nice twist at the end. You descriptive narrative is clear and easy to follow. Out-of-the-box premise. You've obviously got skills. {1733} I really enjoyed the clever hunt for Pedrito as well as the small touch of what the parrot was trained to say. Great work! {1569} The premise - finding Hemingway's parrot - is excellent. Carlos and Maria bickering was fun. The ending was a excellent.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1640} What this lacks is action sequences. All you gave me was a brief moment of the bad guy waving his gun in their general direction. Not much fun in that. You have an unlimited budget, go for it! {1733} You could really add more to this story if you gave us a little backstory on why this means so much to Maria. Is there an emotional tie as well? Perhaps there's a significant reason she needs this money? Is she distantly related to Hemingway? All the little things can really add up! {1569} Transitions (CUT TO, FADE TO, DISSOLVE TO, etc.) are post production commands usually added by an editor. They are unnecessary in a reading script.

Don't "direct from the page" calling for shots, angles, etc.

Pedrito died in Rome in 1994 (which is fine - that might have been the wrong bird, or the death might have been faked).

Few genre techniques were used. More varied techniques might have been better.

Ramon was introduced late in the script. Seeing or at least hearing about him earlier might have been better.

Both Maria and Carlos' dialog felt a little long.

Was all of that from judge 1569? I got a lot of feedback on screenplay technique from the same judge - will post mine with my story.
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