NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > GENERAL DISCUSSION > Creative Writing Corner
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Challenge 2 Feedback
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

Challenge 2 Feedback

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  123 9>
Author
Message
patsy View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 28 Aug 2011
Location: Ohio, USA
Status: Offline
Points: 3470
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote patsy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Challenge 2 Feedback
    Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 10:48am
I'll start!  BTW, does anyone know what the heck a "table read" is????????
 

Dear Patsy Pratt-Herzog,

The feedback from the judges on your Flash Fiction Challenge 2015 story from Challenge #2 is below.  We hope you find the feedback helpful and you enjoyed the competition!

 

''Letters Labyrinths and Lies'' by Patsy Pratt-Herzog - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - I liked the overall idea - that there was an answer to this famous mystery kept hidden. I liked that you framed the story with the bits with Elizabeth years later.  I think you did well capturing the mysterious atmosphere of the labyrinth. I liked how you worked the bureaucracy in and how it interferes with the truth.  I thought the note about people practicing the occult in London was a good detail for the Victorian time period................Bookending the story as a memory/historical revelation worked well, giving the tale a sense of authenticity.  Using an argument to convey expository information worked well, too. ..................................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - The main story feels odd in a way, in that it contains so much small detail that it can't really be what Edmund is telling Elizabeth.  If you want to tell it in the first person as you do, I'd suggest keeping his audience in mind (Elizabeth, in this case, not the reader in general)  Phrase Edmund's language in a way to indicate that this is actually an oral story, not a cleanly edited written one................The story contains elements of horror, thriller and alternative history.  Perhaps weaving in other alternatives to who Jack really was might have added to the possible reality of the tale.  Dialog was a bit stilted as if people talked in complete sentences. A 'table read' and edit might help...............................…............................................................……………………………

 
I did find it kind of amusing that the judges like the frame where most people on the forum didn't.  Just goes to show you never know what they'll like!  And I was under the impression that high-born people in the Victorian Era did speak properly! 


Edited by patsy - 28 Oct 2015 at 11:48am
Back to Top
Sponsored Links
The #1 Writing Tool

Back to Top
csderuyter View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 03 Aug 2015
Location: St. Paul, MN
Status: Offline
Points: 789
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote csderuyter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 10:56am
Here's mine.  Interesting that the first negative doesn't seem like it's a negative comment...  

Story got 11 points, btw.  

Dear Cindy DeRuyter,

The feedback from the judges on your Flash Fiction Challenge 2015 story from Challenge #2 is below.  We hope you find the feedback helpful and you enjoyed the competition!

 

''A Frog Eat Frog World'' by Cindy DeRuyter - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ............Good writing here. The voice feels authentic, esp through lines like this: revenge scenarios that I knew I would never see through. And it made me laugh!..................Very tight and delightful! Loved how Ms. Sieger's fantasy of early retirement blends into her revenge fantasy re: Mrs. Krank; also loved how she knew she wouldn't act on the latter. The contrast between the innocence of Fairy Tale frog kissing and Craig's quest for a psychedelic high is such a hoot! Very satisfactory that she left the mob leaping free: Lol'd @ “Not my Lilly pad, not my frogs!”...................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ............I like the increasing rrriiibbits too. I think the last line is perhaps forced -- the idea of raining frogs and biblical meaning has been done a lot -- but even so, this story stands out for me. Great, steady tone and a fun unfolding from the first person POV. ..................You use the term “detention hall” two times too many in your synopsis which will be more succinct once edited down. As I enjoy Ms. Seiger, I also want some hope for her teaching career woven in as part of her fantasies: why DID she sign on for this gig, after all?...............…............................................................……………………………

Ch 2 Story: Room 207
- Cindy

Back to Top
jenspenden View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 25 Sep 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Status: Offline
Points: 4381
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jenspenden Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 10:59am
Not really sure what to think about the second judge's "didn't likes". I feel like he/she thinks I made this story up, and I most definitely did not. Ugh. Oh well! Can't complain considering they decided it was good enough to advance me to the next stage of the contest. 

''Kleine Mäuse'' by Jenna Willett - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ............................................................The image of the roses in Rene's dreams is so powerful in this story, and the moment where the children imagine what they smell like is just lovely. It contrasts so well with the horror around them. I'm as horrified as Rene is when Georges is taken away.  ......The dialogue between Rene and the children is very effective--I really enjoyed that the story returns to the image of the rose throughout. The ending, describing Rene's death is executed wonderfully--the hallucination is beautiful in such a wasteland. ...............…...I absolutely love the roses symbol/motif that pulses through this piece! It grounds the reader and provides quite a jarring juxtaposition -- the beauty of roses (and home, candy, strawberries, as you say) with the cold terror of the lab and the concentration camp. I feel like I can hear every voice in this piece, and the ending is gorgeous -- both the roses blooming metaphorically as Rene dies and the little girl at the grave with the mouse running away. "To Freedom" is especially powerful. ........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - .............................................…............Given what happens in this story, I think three pages is too little space to cover it. Though the reader is likely familiar with what to expect in a concentration camp, I wanted the writer to set the scene more concretely, to do more work to create the relationship between Rene and the children. What happens to Georges is horrifying, but without knowing him better--what is being lost--his death is not as meaningful as it could be. ......While I understand the symbolism of the very last paragraph (the flash forward), it takes away from the power of the ending. I think this piece can be removed from the final story...................While your harrowing story appropriately conveys the horrors of the concentration camps and Holocaust atrocities, I do think it starts to sound a little like a horror movie when the children hang from hooks. I am specifically thinking of movies like Hostel and other torture films; I think it's in the way the children are brought into the room and hung up, coupled with the words you use to describe them ("toes twitched and his skeletal shoulders jerked. Urine trickled down his legs..."). I don't fully understand why Rene is standing there watching this happen, since he too is a prisoner, without being restrained. I assume that he is not a Jew, which makes me wonder why he is imprisoned. I also have to wonder WHY this hanging is occuring, since I don't believe this is usually how such deaths occured, especially since it's a lab that seems to conduct experiments on the prison population. What is the point of "We don’t have enough. We’ll have to use morphine” and the posionous air if they just plan to hang the children anyway? I know they are already unconscious (via morphine), but then why the hanging? I think you might just clarify this point and Rene's role in the terrifying scene. ........................……………………………

 

Back to Top
salgal80 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie


Joined: 19 Jan 2015
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 252
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote salgal80 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:01am
I thought my feedback was thoughtful and helpful....  Story received 13 points.   It was suspense....group 33.
 
For the record--epee is a sport and the points are not sharp.
The other comments are spot on and could have been easily corrected with few words, I think.
 
 
 
''For the Love of Adam'' by Sally Simon - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ......Emma is an appealing character, and it's easy to empathize with her. The ending is unexpected. It's heartbreaking to learn the truth about Adam............................................................................…...........................…Talk about suspense! Your last line makes me more curious as to why the main character believes her son is alive. ………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ......Why would everyone in the village love to see Emma fail and move away? It seems irresponsible that Emma was allowing her son, whom she thought was alive, to play with a pointy weapon. I think it would benefit the story if you made it clearer what Siegfried's relationship to Emma is at the end of the story. He says the people know she'll be with him. Were they already married? Getting married that day?.......................................…............................................................……How can one cake save the bakery? Dig more into the importance of making this cake. What are some clues that allude to the idea that Adam doesn't really exist besides in the main characer's mind?………………………
SSC Rd 1 Heat 38
A Game Between Friends
Back to Top
BenFJackson View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Regular
NYC Midnight Regular
Avatar

Joined: 14 Aug 2014
Location: Natick, MA
Status: Offline
Points: 327
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BenFJackson Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:01am
Mine was exactly what I would have said regarding my own story, which is good?  I think?

 

''Neg Barba and the Riches of Regents'' by Ben Jackson - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...Interesting premise. The mech parrot is a great image....I like the story's humor. The first sentence is hard to forget.  I also like how the historical elements are transformed by science fiction details............................................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...I struggled to understand the setting of this story, both temporally and spatially. The science fiction aspects feel like window dressing to what would otherwise be a typical pirate story. Although I'm interested in the dimensional key, it's never explored enough for me to understand the implications of this particular character using it....I think the ending could have more impact. You might have more details about what was in the nanoVault........................................…............................................................……………………………


Here's the story



Edited by BenFJackson - 28 Oct 2015 at 11:04am
Back to Top
DBA Lehane View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt


Joined: 16 Aug 2010
Location: London, UK
Status: Offline
Points: 2211
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote DBA Lehane Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:07am
Does anyone ever disagree with the "likes"? :D
FFC 2015 4th Placed Finaist | SSC 2014 + 2016 Finalist
Back to Top
ballard7 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Regular
NYC Midnight Regular
Avatar

Joined: 22 Jan 2015
Location: Carmel, Indiana
Status: Offline
Points: 264
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote ballard7 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:09am
This feedback is actually helpful, If only because it appears I was held down because of demands of the genre (historical fiction):


WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY 

I thought you researched the historical and mythological details very well.  I like that you chose a somewhat lesser known story in history to explore.  I liked the turn at the end with Evans (although I also made a note about it in the other column), and I like how the urgency and action rises at the end.

Beginning the story in media res – in the middle of the action – added suspense and excitement to the story. Characters were quickly sketched and the historical setting and feud between archeologists established.  The resolution was a great twist and the missing twine an added coda.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK 

I would be a bit cautious about some of the details of your story, the first being when Sam Cockerell died, and the second being to implicate Evans in this cover-up. Historical fiction fills in the gaps among things that we know to be true, whereas those two things I mentioned might be easily disproved (or in Evans' case, slanderous). (This had occurred to me -- although you cannot "slander" the dead, I wondered if it would offend purists if they knew of, or looked up, the historical figures)

The story contains more than a bit of science fiction or fantasy which pushes it towards the alternative history genre at least.  (Which, yeah, I've never understood why alternate history was "science fiction," but that's what I did, and now I know better). Perhaps some uncertainty as to the type and nature of the skeletal remains might have worked better – even have Sam notice, and doubt -but be trapped by his companion's fears anyway.


The Shakespearean title was a bit misleading and a distraction, too. (Someone in the forum asked me about the relevance to Puck's line in Midsummer Night's Dream -- there is none -- I just liked the line as a title, but it had nothing to do with the story).
Back to Top
sunshinequeen View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 12 Aug 2015
Location: Alaska
Status: Offline
Points: 141
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sunshinequeen Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:15am
''Burned'' by Sarah LeDoux -
 WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ......................................................
The integration of the zipper in this story is perfectly haunting. The piece intrigues the reader, and leaves them wanting more. ...............

Very creepy. The imagery in here is genuinely interesting and cuts deep, especially at the end when Cara's body is discovered............…...............

The ambitious non-linear narrative and the changing voices as you focalize through different characters are impressive. ............…………………………   

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - .............................................…......
This piece tries to do too much in the given space and ends up selling itself short. The shifts in perspective can work much better in a longer story; here, that come off as largely disjointed. ...............

The vignette format felt gratuitous, it didn't really add much to the story and felt like a weak attempt to make the story stand out more. Same goes for the poetry stuff, which may have felt right in another piece, but felt out of place here. ...........................

The ambitious structure makes the story slightly difficult to follow, althought a second read-through clarifies what happened and when. Perhaps placing the second section--Grace's disappearance--first might be less jarring for the reader. The last section is also slightly unclear, though the parallel to the Christmas candles is strong and great running element of this compelling piece. ............……………………………

-----------------------------------------------------
To me, this speaks to how awesome and useful the forum feedback is. The judges got my dead character wrong, and poetry stuff? What poetry stuff???
Back to Top
sunshinequeen View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 12 Aug 2015
Location: Alaska
Status: Offline
Points: 141
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sunshinequeen Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:16am
Basically my feelings are way hurt by the second judge's dislikes. I hate that they thought I was being show-offy, when I just thought it was about time wax figures/stuffed humans had a voice, damnit. LOL
Back to Top
Archon1995 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2015
Location: Roswell, GA
Status: Offline
Points: 713
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Archon1995 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:18am

I seem to have caught the judges in wanting to know more about Aoi & Davd's world as much as several of you were. Ah, the limits of length.  :-)

Uhm, I could have told this story about any of the children. Davd is special because he was receptive to Aoi's influence, but so were all the others she taught. Also, power and importance do not necessarily equate to heightened intelligence...just look at the current political landscape.  ;-) 

''The Origamist'' by Tracy Soldan - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...Fascinating worldbuilding. Strong prose, and good use of experimental language...............................................................................…..................The simplicity of an elderly woman teaching a young boy origami in a dystopian world is an excellent visual. It had a good moral to the story, showing that creativity and critical thinking are essential to a child’s growth. .........…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...Because the end reveals that she has done this with numerous children, it makes me wonder why you've told us the story of Davd rather than any of the others? A cyclical story is only satisfying if it shows the way in which a cycle starts, breaks, or changes. What is special about Davd, even more so than the others?..........................................…...................................................It’s hinted that the origami helps the children she teaches go on to become super intelligent, super important people – why? The ending states that a dome shields this planet, but that she hopes the children she teaches will be able to go outside someday – what’s happened? Why bring this up if it isn’t elaborated on? .........……………………………

R1C1 G7 PRESSURE POINT
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  123 9>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 11.10
Copyright ©2001-2017 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.063 seconds.