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GinaG View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote GinaG Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:21am
Originally posted by patsy patsy wrote:

I'll start!  BTW, does anyone know what the heck a "table read" is????????
 

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I assume they mean the same as a table read when you're working on a script? Just means you sit around a table and read it out loud. Seems an odd phrase choice for a piece of fiction - why not just say 'read it out loud?'

Although, my confirmation email let me know I'm submitted for the third round of the screenplay challenge, so maybe there's script vs story confusion all around.


Edited by GinaG - 28 Oct 2015 at 11:33am
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patsy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote patsy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:34am
Originally posted by GinaG GinaG wrote:

Originally posted by patsy patsy wrote:

I'll start!  BTW, does anyone know what the heck a "table read" is????????
 

................................................……………………………



I assume they mean the same as a table read when you're working on a script? Just means you sit around a table and read it out loud. Seems an odd phrase choice for a piece of fiction - why not just say 'read it out loud?'

Although, my confirmation email let me know I'm submitted for the third round of the screenplay challenge, so maybe there's script vs story confusion all around.
 
Thanks Gina!  I don't speak Screenplay Wink
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote BPM Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:35am
Originally posted by sunshinequeen sunshinequeen wrote:

''Burned'' by Sarah LeDoux -
 

The vignette format felt gratuitous, it didn't really add much to the story and felt like a weak attempt to make the story stand out more. Same goes for the poetry stuff, which may have felt right in another piece, but felt out of place here. ...........................

It is very unfortunate that NYCMidnight would hire judges that would use the word "weak" above in this comment.  Very much so, to me.  Enough to consult with them in a personal email, if I were you.  There is no reason for that word to exist other than to make you feel poorly. It could have been said other ways, and other judges said it different ways.  The comment is not by itself inappropriate- but the phrasing of the comment--- what is that judge after and why is that judge commenting not on your story but on you?  This is disappointing to me.
http://forums.nycmidnight.com/grp7-cupcakes-and-crossfit_topic14599.html
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mwit08 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:38am
So...based on this feedback (most of which I agree with), there seems to be a lot more that they disliked than liked, which again begs the question, how did this even manage to score 7 points?  Their one chief complaint seems to be why did all this randomly happen to poor Rose?  Had I not had to cut out 40% of the story in order to be at 1,000 words, that question would've probably been answered better.  Oh well--there's always next time!
 

 

''Heart's Desires'' - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...Rose is a sympathetic character...................Stating that "Madame Maldame took both of Rose’s slightly sweaty palms into her own hands" is an excellent way to convey that Rose is nervous. …  ..............................A tight well-written story with a horror twist.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...For this to work as a fairy tale, we either need to know what Madame's motivation is, or we need to better understand what moralistic lesson Rose must learn. She's being punished here for wanting a better life, but that doesn't seem to be enough of a crime. Perhaps if this were expanded and we saw a scene of her fighting the witch, we could see more of what her true failings are, and how she overcomes them. Then she might have the opportunity to grow and change...................It would be good to hint at why Madame Maldame wants everything in the orphanage. Perhaps she could make a comment that might seem offhand when Rose first encounters her but that makes sense in the end. … Sometimes written dialect can slow a story down as readers pause to comprehend it. Conveying dialect often only requires hints of the dialect without needing to change many words. You might consider simplifying the way you write Madame Maldame's dialect.........................…...This is a good story, however there is no moral or victory for the protag. Although dark fairytales are a trend, darkness and powerlessness against evil is not really part of the traditional fairytale.  The moral of not trusting strange people bearing gifts is a good one but getting a protagonist out of a bad situation is the core of a fairytale. This feels like an adaptation of Rumplestiltskin with no way out.

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maiaco Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:40am
Here's mine - my story got 11 points, so not too disappointing. 

''Un, Deux, Trois'' by Gill Breeze - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ........................A nice story with a good sense of mystery and good use of characterization and dialog. Excellent use of the mandatory story elements.......What I enjoy most is the originality of this trio, the mystery of their dynamic, and question of how their scales would tip: was this genuine playfulness or a con game? They certainly “met cute” with Dani literally playing with fire and now the mother trusting her games in the edgy and questionable locale of a junkyard. Your pacing is smooth and dialogue delightful. The apparent innocence of th outing, albeit somewhat risky, plays out well against the mother's paranoia....................................................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ........................There is some passive voice in this story, consider editing to make the story tighter and faster flowing. I’d also like to know a little more about the narrator of the story, she seems awfully passive within this, and so little is revealed or understood about her. Show the reader a little more about her......What I don't get is what kind of characters are we dealing with? How did this scenario come about? At first I thought Dani might be a recently-hired au pair still on a probationary period. But noooo ~ she's a stranger they met @ a holiday festival and now are following, like some edgy Pied Piper, into a Junk Yard? Who just happens to be carrying some heavy-duty tools In her well-worn satchel? The Mom is a bit too much of a mystery, too. Why would she risk herself and her son? She sounds too mentally unstable ~ was that intended: an easy mark? ...............…............................................................……………………………

Haha - mentally unstable??  Most of the feedback reflected pretty much what the forum feedback commented on, apart from the mentally unstable comment......... still giggling about that LOL
R2 Gp54: The Memory Box

no baby acorns have died in the writing of this story

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Eggcorn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:51am
They like me, they really like me. Beer LOL

Actually, I'm surprised with the feedback. I knew it did well in the forums, but one judge had nothing to change, and the other judge didn't say anything that anyone in the forums hadn't already said. Which I guess is a good thing; I'm just still kind of surprised really.

Actually, now I really feel like my round 3 story won't live up to expectations. Pinch

 

''Original Copies'' by Meagan Noel Hart - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ..............................You have some shocking revelations here, and do a great job describing how they reverberate internally for Sam. Nice metaphor in that Sam turns critical eye for printing imperfections in on himself in comparison to his twin.  Your knowledge of the printing job's technical aspects displays a good grasp of the field: “God is in the details.” Marty's “being bad at being loved too much” is an intriguing aspect of this intimate duet, and reveals that he may have suffered guilt at being the Golden Boy....................................................…......How powerful! Hemingway meets Munro writing. Very impressed. The comparison of "comparisonsas a twin vs. being a brother via copies" is brilliant. BRAVO! .....................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ..............................No complaints; this is quite a gem: Bravo! You might want to look into Dr. Brian Swimme's series, Canticle to the Cosmos, the segment on “Differentiation, Subjectivity and Communion” as the Fundamental Order of the Universe. It absolutely applies to your wonderful story!...............….......................................While the lack of exposition works well, it could be worth revising to find some areas where just a little bit more can be given. There were some moments that felt jarring - and may have taken me out of the story for a brief second. .....................……………………………
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Eggcorn Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:54am
Originally posted by patsy patsy wrote:


I did find it kind of amusing that the judges like the frame where most people on the forum didn't.  Just goes to show you never know what they'll like!  And I was under the impression that high-born people in the Victorian Era did speak properly! 


This is so true! But in this case, I remember you saying that you and your Beta's felt the fame was definitely needed. So it may be more a matter of the judge better identified the issue than we did. I felt the frame didn't fit the story, but this change does make sense and would make the frame feel more natural. I think its easier to attack frame because its a simple delete rather than change all the beautiful detail you gave us in the middle. Clearly, your story stuck with me. Smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nixie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:56am
Originally posted by patsy patsy wrote:

I'll start!  BTW, does anyone know what the heck a "table read" is????????
 

Remember that NYCM is primarily film-oriented. :)  

In film or, especially TV, writes/actors may gather around [a table - though not always] with coffee and draft scripts to read aloud, so they can hear how the dialogue plays. It gives a different take then just reading, and allows them to start planning the physical action, see how well certain lines play off the actor delivering the next/previous line (and sometimes causes a change in 'who says what' in order to make it play better).  It's kind of like a slimmed-down non-dress rehearsal that lets them "test" the draft script and refine it.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote MegOverman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 11:59am
''A Running Race'' by Meg Overman - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...............A fantasy of Gods, universes, cultures – and coffee.  Nectar of all writers, bane to all storytellers, this tale tells both sides of the issue. A clever, well thought out concept....................................The worldbuilding was so good. The idea of creators pondering their creations' creations was very intriguing and well-told...............................…...........................…………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...............The story seems… too caffinated. Too much in a rush, so that sections need be read and reread to tease the ideas from them.  A little more clarity, and to that end, slowing down the storytelling a bit, might have helped...............................…...Watch filter words such as noticed, feel, saw. Bring the action closer. Also...it's funny the things that push you out of a story. The name Java, and especially after it is linked with the word "excel" and with someone with beans who is drinking a pale liquid undermines the reader's attention. The mind wanders away from the story because the reader is anticipating some kind of playful software mind-game OR thinking the main characters are part of a sentient computer program. I'd recommend changing that......



My favorite part about this is that the final judge interpreted "Java" in a way no one else who read it did, but feared that it would distract many readers. (Actually, I think the name could be distracting...but because of the coffee in-your-face tie. I didn't even think of the computery thing.)

Anyway, decent feedback! As ever, I have plenty to think about in revision.
Have a glass of wine and take it like a writer.

R1 H/F (15)
R2 Suspense (Like Father)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote patsy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Oct 2015 at 12:01pm
Originally posted by Eggcorn Eggcorn wrote:

Originally posted by patsy patsy wrote:


I did find it kind of amusing that the judges like the frame where most people on the forum didn't.  Just goes to show you never know what they'll like!  And I was under the impression that high-born people in the Victorian Era did speak properly! 


This is so true! But in this case, I remember you saying that you and your Beta's felt the fame was definitely needed. So it may be more a matter of the judge better identified the issue than we did. I felt the frame didn't fit the story, but this change does make sense and would make the frame feel more natural. I think its easier to attack frame because its a simple delete rather than change all the beautiful detail you gave us in the middle. Clearly, your story stuck with me. Smile
 
Thanks for that Smile  
I did write the story first and add the frame, but I thought of it as more of a flashback than a direct tell to his daughter.  What the judges suggested would have fixed both problems though, the one people picked up in the forum and the one they picked up on.  Someone else suggested I cut Elizabeth and just have him going through his things alone and finding the letter.  The flashback aspect they didn't like would have worked better with that angle too.   Ah well.  At least I learned something!!  That's why we do these thing . . . to learn! 
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