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149 sci fi , child custody, next door neighbour

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writerlykate View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote writerlykate Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: 149 sci fi , child custody, next door neighbour
    Posted: 08 Feb 2019 at 6:15am
A first attempt at Sci Fi. A bit rushed at the end, but see what you think.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/6ru7zg99qtfr4rz/For%20Lizzie.docx?dl=0
Kate Leader
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Tim G View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tim G Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Feb 2019 at 6:35am
Hi there! You've got your post all properly presented, but better you place it on the thread here! That's where folk'll find it.
CH1 Short Story: Cindy (RomCom)
CH3 Short Screenplay: Three Steps From Dead (Ghost Story)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BleuSky Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Feb 2019 at 3:13pm
Interesting concepts and I enjoyed the exploration into what makes someone human and also the intersection between 'human' and the 'uncanny valley' which we have instinctually when someone or something isn't quite 'real enough.'
I agreed with you, the ending wrapped up a little quickly.
Honestly, I found it a bit creepy the old man neighbor (who hid away from other people) had fallen for his neighbor's wife and when (oh darn) their relationship didn't work out he jumped on the after-life non-life bandwagon hoping his neighbor's hot dead/ex/living wife would turn to him for eternal comfort.
You have some great visual descriptions! (I like the line 'her voice was as warm as July.) You describe your characters well, but I think the descriptions themselves could be tightened up a bit to keep the best parts and cut out the extras.

“Sam Thorn appeared to be a man with a mission. His movements were quick and decisive. His face was long and his eyes, a piercing blue, were heavy lidded like a Modigliani portrait. He spoke in a very soft drawl that was in contrast with his movements. I almost expected him to lick his lips. There was something wolf like about him. His nose was narrow and his nostrils flared. He was intensely alive.”

Might work as something like: Sam Thorn was a study in contrasts. Piercing blue eyes, heavy-lidded like a Modigliani portrait, dominated a lean face. A soft drawl contrasted sharply with his body’s quick and decisive movements. There was something wolf-like about him. Nostrils flared wide in his long nose as I stepped through the door.

“His wife Alma Thorn, greeted me that evening as Sam introduced her to me. I handed her the good bottle of Beaujolais that I had brought as a welcoming gift. She was glamorously beautiful. She ran a hand through her blonde Monroe bob to lift a stray strand of hair from her face. Her eyes were a light blue, calm and still in their gaze as she took the bottle. Her lips were coral pink and full and luscious. She smiled generously”

Might work as something like:

Running a hand through her blonde Monroe bob the glamorously beautiful woman beside Sam tucked a stray strand of hair from her face. I handed her the good bottle of Beaujolais that I had brought as a welcoming gift. Pale blue eyes under long lashes met mine as our hands grazed. Full lips, a luscious coral pink, smiled warmly.

Sam smiled, I almost expected him to lick his lips, “This is my wife, Alma.”

Just a few ideas. Thanks for sharing and the fun read!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SarahEeKay Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2019 at 4:50pm
  < ="text/"> p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 11.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #000000; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000} span.s1 {font-kerning: none} span.Apple-tab-span {white-space:pre}

Interesting premise, especially considering society’s obsession with youth. Very creepy, ominous overtones at the end as well that are intriguing. I love love love your character descriptions! Particularly the wolf-like aspects of Sam. There are some minor grammar mistakes though, so I would suggest just running the story by a few more sets of eyes next time. I know I had to! I also had this category and I'd never written sci-fi before but you did a good job! 

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