Round 1 Feedback

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   I'll go ahead and kick off the thread to share our round one feedback with each other. I'm shocked by how much the judges provided this time! Good stuff...

''The Ark'' by Jenna Willett - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...............The rising tension in this is incredible -- the more the story progresses, the more the reader wants to know what's happening to the outside world.//Great stage business -- the reader can see the actors "in scene" as though he's watching a movie in his mind. What's more, the dialogue is organic -- this sounds like a mother and daughter arguing in every aspect. What's also well done is it's made clear that Becca is frustrated with her mother -- not necessarily angry -- so the reader sympathizes and empathizes with Becca rather than wondering why she's being cruel.//The pacing is taut.//................................................This story is fantastic. The crackling dialogue, the fast pace, the emotional depth, the way you masterfully interweave so many plot threads that all come together at the end. You’ve got a lot of talent, and I bet you have a novel in you. Well done.......The dialogue between Becca and her mother is well-done. The reveal of what the Ark is skillfully revealed. Learning that the mother was actually a carrier of the virus surprised me, and I liked that.............…........................   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...............While the text that expresses "Mexico closed borders. Canada too." heightens the tension, but wouldn't this at least concern Becca a little? Why, despite her annoyance with her mother, wouldn't she say something to her? It's a natural reaction to get bad -- and potentially overwhelmingly scary, shocking news like that -- and share it immediately with who you're with. Becca just treats the whole world going to pot as calmly and unemotionally as though someone's just cancelled out on a movie date. The largest issue with this is Becca's lack of reaction to what's happening -- the mother is aware, so the mother could have "odd" (but not too obvious so it kills the reveal) reactions to Becca telling her what's happening, but this horrifying stuff going on and Becca's obliviousness is not realistic. If Becca's genuine panic were added to the tension already present in the text, this story would be a nail-biter.//The ending doesn't leave the reader satisfied -- after this tension-filled ride, Becca makes her decision with seemingly no struggle, and answers her mother in a flippant, nonchalant manner. What would work well here is Becca struggling to make her decision -- and don't tell the reader what that decision is. ..............................…...............A handful of small suggestions: Cut the line “He was dead” (too obvious) and the descriptor “The world-famous” (unnecessary). The lines “He'd known Becca was going to die, and he'd wanted to remind her of Sarah's smile; the one she’d given Becca before their dad shot her in the head. Before that smile, Becca hadn’t believed in God—at all” are a little more heavy handed than the rest of the story; consider simplifying. Maybe instead of going into Cal’s head (“he’d known…he’d wanted”) say only “His words reminded her of Sarah’s smile…” and let the reader guess at Cal’s intent. Finally, I wonder if you’d have a more powerful conclusion if you cut the last few lines and ended here: “On Cal. On Sarah. On God.” ......If the followers are responsible for the disease, there need to be a few more hints of their presence. For the disease to spread as fast as it does, their number has to be bigger, which means they're more noticeable.....................................

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jenspenden Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 25 Sep 2013 Location: Denver, CO Status: Offline Points: 5109	Post Options Post Reply Quote jenspenden Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: Round 1 Feedback Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 5:55pm
	I'll go ahead and kick off the thread to share our round one feedback with each other. I'm shocked by how much the judges provided this time! Good stuff... ''The Ark'' by Jenna Willett - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...............The rising tension in this is incredible -- the more the story progresses, the more the reader wants to know what's happening to the outside world.//Great stage business -- the reader can see the actors "in scene" as though he's watching a movie in his mind. What's more, the dialogue is organic -- this sounds like a mother and daughter arguing in every aspect. What's also well done is it's made clear that Becca is frustrated with her mother -- not necessarily angry -- so the reader sympathizes and empathizes with Becca rather than wondering why she's being cruel.//The pacing is taut.//................................................This story is fantastic. The crackling dialogue, the fast pace, the emotional depth, the way you masterfully interweave so many plot threads that all come together at the end. You’ve got a lot of talent, and I bet you have a novel in you. Well done.......The dialogue between Becca and her mother is well-done. The reveal of what the Ark is skillfully revealed. Learning that the mother was actually a carrier of the virus surprised me, and I liked that.............…........................ WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...............While the text that expresses "Mexico closed borders. Canada too." heightens the tension, but wouldn't this at least concern Becca a little? Why, despite her annoyance with her mother, wouldn't she say something to her? It's a natural reaction to get bad -- and potentially overwhelmingly scary, shocking news like that -- and share it immediately with who you're with. Becca just treats the whole world going to pot as calmly and unemotionally as though someone's just cancelled out on a movie date. The largest issue with this is Becca's lack of reaction to what's happening -- the mother is aware, so the mother could have "odd" (but not too obvious so it kills the reveal) reactions to Becca telling her what's happening, but this horrifying stuff going on and Becca's obliviousness is not realistic. If Becca's genuine panic were added to the tension already present in the text, this story would be a nail-biter.//The ending doesn't leave the reader satisfied -- after this tension-filled ride, Becca makes her decision with seemingly no struggle, and answers her mother in a flippant, nonchalant manner. What would work well here is Becca struggling to make her decision -- and don't tell the reader what that decision is. ..............................…...............A handful of small suggestions: Cut the line “He was dead” (too obvious) and the descriptor “The world-famous” (unnecessary). The lines “He'd known Becca was going to die, and he'd wanted to remind her of Sarah's smile; the one she’d given Becca before their dad shot her in the head. Before that smile, Becca hadn’t believed in God—at all” are a little more heavy handed than the rest of the story; consider simplifying. Maybe instead of going into Cal’s head (“he’d known…he’d wanted”) say only “His words reminded her of Sarah’s smile…” and let the reader guess at Cal’s intent. Finally, I wonder if you’d have a more powerful conclusion if you cut the last few lines and ended here: “On Cal. On Sarah. On God.” ......If the followers are responsible for the disease, there need to be a few more hints of their presence. For the disease to spread as fast as it does, their number has to be bigger, which means they're more noticeable.....................................
	SSC R1: Remember Us, Remember Everything

MichelleK Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Regular Joined: 20 Aug 2014 Status: Offline Points: 310	Post Options Post Reply Quote MichelleK Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 5:58pm
	Yes, MUCH improved from earlier competitions! ''Betting The House'' by Michelle Kaseler - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ........................An epic story that covered half a century and included everything from orphan trains to Soapy's in Denver (and knowing about him is a rare thing). The double twist at the end – framing Stockton for cheating – while cheating himself, was very well done and enjoyable too...........................................The relationship between Jonas and his sister serves as the heart of the story, with their love for one another being immediately relatable. Attention to historical detail helped draw me into the setting. I was also impressed by Jonas’ character development as he comes close to becoming his father, but instead keeps his head. Overall, the story was heartfelt, convincing, and well-paced................…......The characters are likeable, and the reader is interested in learning what happens to them. The setting is vibrantly depicted................... WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ........................The opening set-up was perhaps too long. The real story started in Denver and that story could have been deepened and developed more......................…..................Occasionally, some of the language strays from time-appropriate verbiage, such as “freak”. There were also some minor punctuation and spelling errors, such as dropping articles. Reading through the piece aloud would likely alert the author to these mistakes......................The plot meanders a bit, with too much time spent on the characters' backstory. The people who adopted the protagonist and his sister are insignificant to the plot yet take up a large portion of the story's time. The writer should consider trimming that section. ..................
	R1H47: Remnants of Annie R2H47: The Veiled

jgochoco Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 26 Sep 2013 Location: San Francisco Status: Offline Points: 1686	Post Options Post Reply Quote jgochoco Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 6:00pm
	Here's the feedback I got from the judges: 'Mine'' by Jonathan Ochoco - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ...............Overall, a solid story on all levels. Specifically, a stunning opening -- it's everything an opening line in a horror story should be: a gripper and disturbing. In addition, excellent establishment of Poe's unreliable narrator.//We know that something is off with this character, from the clues which are given, such as she's taken to goodwill when Christie isn't (see a note about this under "What Needs Work.") -- there are secrets in this household. Well done on the more subtle of the details.//"So many photos that severed boobs lay all over the floor" = fantastic image.//The opening and the conclusion connect with each other, and the last line leaves the reader with a strong impression.........................I appreciated how you started with a false expectation -- real cuts versus yearbook -- and then ended the story with the cuts becoming real again. You incorporated all of the three contest elements very well. ..........................................…........................ WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ...............Although there are wonderful clues in here that something isn't right (and the reveal is justified and clicks well), it almost gets too heavy-handed in spots; for example, the padlock on the door is a bit much. References to a "padlock" would work, and perhaps put it on the door at the last mention. Similarly, "someone like me" -- that's also overdoing it; the protagonist is telling the reader flat-out that something's wrong with her, and this could blow the ending. If the clues are too heavy-handed and there are too many of them, they give away the ending. In a piece like this especially, that's something that should be avoided. Don't cut these clues out -- just do fewer, and make them more veiled. ........................I think you need to work on credibility. I had trouble believing an older sister, no matter how troubled, would feel this way about her sister's abuse. Some of this goes too far for me. ......….........................................................
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mrjaywilson Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 20 Jan 2015 Location: California Status: Offline Points: 682	Post Options Post Reply Quote mrjaywilson Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 6:02pm
	Apparently I got in trouble for being "derivative" lol ''The Treasure of Ra'' by Jay Wilson - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ..................The opening paragraph is intriguing and engaging. You have included some beautiful descriptive elements, which are also obviously well-researched...................This story contains some really interesting information about archeology/pyramids. The voice is compelling, and the reader is curious as to what will next happen. The ending is strong..............................................…...Awesome details with a very strong character voice. My favorite was "I swallow to keep the sickness down as the serpents swimming violently in my stomach become even more ferocious" because that really ties into the story's setting better than the proverbial butterflies. A fun story in the vein of Indiana Jones, with a cool chase scene and creepy ending...................... WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ..................I would have liked to know a little more information about the main character. I like that you included those references to her father, but it would be great to flesh her out even more...................While the ending is strong and even surprising, overall, this story feels very derivative - and of films and not even of fiction. Without knowing more about the main character's (and Regina's) back stories and her motivation, it is hard for the reader to become to invested in the outcome. Cutting the confusing first paragaph and instead inserting, for example, one line of necessary infointo the following paragraph would add speed and urgency to the opening. Trimming the editorializing and some of the more awkward and/or unnecessary explanation -- such as "A sharp pain screams from my ankle" (Really?) -- elsewhere would also add tension. .........…....................................Many sentences start with "I" and could be deepened into a more suspenseful POV. The "Sun of Ra" is a little bit glossed over, and I would have liked to see that in more detail. A bit more backstory on how they got to the pyramid could add to the story.....................
	RD1 H51: War of the Cupcakes (Comedy)

Corrie Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 20 Aug 2014 Location: Newmarket, ON Status: Offline Points: 1581	Post Options Post Reply Quote Corrie Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 6:02pm
	Here's mine! I feel like the judges really put some effort into this one, so am pleasantly surprised. :) ''Til Death Do Us Part'' by Corrie Adams - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - The dialogue is great, particularly in the opening scenes when she is talking to the cat and starting to drink. It's strong, subtle, funny, and drives the plot without being too heavy handed in a familiar situation. ......................................................I must confess: when I read the title and synopsis, I worried that this story might be hackneyed, but I was most pleasantly surprised! You DO have a gift for comedic dialogue and timing. Several chuckles erupted, e.g. the sarcastic sommelier description of the wine; denouncing a whole nation because it spawned ABBA; the plea re: political neutrality; and “coffins so nive you'll wanna die twice” is purrfect: just inane enough to come from a vengeful spouse and her co-hort!...........................…........................ WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - There are a lot of nice distinctive parts of the plot -- the descriptions of the cat listening to her drink, his prize wine collection -- but more needs to be done to spice up what is a very familiar use of the required items. A husband sleeping with a foreign exchange student (especially a Swedish one) seems very familiar and drains some of the distinctive properties from what is a strongly written story. .............................................…......~While your exposition about catching the couple in flagrante delicto was deftly rendered, the earlier who-what-when-where disclosures to the cat felt clunky. Would she really mention her husband's name? Wouldn't she refer to him as something more endearing, like Daddy, to Mittens? It's fine to note the exchange student's name here, however, dripping with contempt. ~ Having Sherry go from a teetotaler to clearing out the wine collection feels too extreme ~ in fact the intoxication factor might kill her! Perhaps Angie could note something like her friend has come a long way from their college days when she'd order a generic house wine at the pub. And Sherry could select the top, say, five of Greg's favorite bottles and calculate their cost at something astronomical, before they proceed to down them! Speaking of the two women being good and old friends, I wouldn't have Angie ask if Sherrye had designed Greg's website; I would just have her presume it and say succinctly, “Methinks that website you designed is in need of an update!” Another suggestion, in case you ever want to expand this story, is that you weave in poignant elements: the better to make Greg a current cad by contrast ~ when Sherry spilled the red wine on her wedding gown, my heart seized with the image of a bride losing her virginity, and how the marriage has devolved from those days of innocent love to infidelity. If you also add other sweet notes ~ the afrementioned cat-daddy reference (who's going to get custody if everything tanks? perhaps the select wines were first sipped on special occasions such as birthdays or anniversaries. You do a great job depicting the antagonist even while offstage, but greater detail could make him less of a stereotypical lout. I don't know if you ever saw any episodes from the TV series M.A.S.H., but it's a great example of contrasting comedy with tragedy for greater effect. I think you have the chops for it!......
	100 R1: Dear M@therf@cker

Corrie Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 20 Aug 2014 Location: Newmarket, ON Status: Offline Points: 1581	Post Options Post Reply Quote Corrie Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 6:05pm
	And...hey...I placed second, yet still my "what needs work" section is over twice as long as what the judges liked. This is SO much more helpful than "nothing to dislike" :)
	100 R1: Dear M@therf@cker

NotForProsser Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Regular Joined: 15 Jan 2015 Location: Calgary, AB Status: Offline Points: 328	Post Options Post Reply Quote NotForProsser Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 6:06pm
	Overall, much more useful feedback than I'd been expecting, based on what people had been saying on the forum! ...but I did get "little to dislike in your writing style", which ARGH! ;) ''The Fog of Disorder'' by Trevor Prosser - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - .................................Excellent characterization here. The narrative is descriptive making the story easy to visualize. The dialogue helps carry the story along nicely.................................................…...Nails setting down with the opening lines. No extraneous characters, which allows time to really dig into the two main character’s narrative and voice. The protagonist’s voice is fitting for the story, and serves to keep her likeable to the reader, despite her being more of an unusal personality for a protagonist. As a reader, her bitterness and pessimism did not frustrate me, as it was so clearly described within the story...................... WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - .................................“Victor’s solidarily…” I know what word you were looking for but I’m not sure it exists. Try to keep your writing as tight as you can get it. Omit words that are unnecessary to convey the intended meaning. Apart from that there is little to dislike in your writing style.............…....................................Tightening edits, removing words such as “a little” to refine the story. Some words are overused, such as “look” and phrases such as “The wounding was heavy on his voice.” are telling, rather than showing. These details mute some of the story’s emotional punch......................
	2019 MFC R2H16 2019 MFC R1H1 Older Entries

ShadowBeast Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 18 Jan 2015 Location: Minnesota Status: Offline Points: 889	Post Options Post Reply Quote ShadowBeast Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 6:09pm
	Feedback for mine... interesting ... and umm ... Stew died, so uhh yeah ... ''Once You're Family'' by Jennie Brass - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ..............................This is a riveting story from the point when Stew enters into the old restaurant. You have a great way of building and keeping the tension..........I liked the concept of the story. You incorporated all of the three contest elements very well. I had a real sense of the town and the trapped feeling they would have had in high school. ..........................................…........................ WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ..............................A couple thoughts: I wondered about lighting. Some times Stew can't see a thing, and sometimes he can. Also, while you hint at the missing friends, I would give a bit more. Isn't it odd that all the missing people worked for this man? That the missing women were old girlfriends? Finally, you skip over the most dramatic scene! How does Stew get out of his horrible predicament? You obviously know this story very well--put it on the page..........I found the story a little difficult to follow--work on making things a little more clear to the reader. The spellings of some of the names was distracting. Vary the length and style of your sentences and paragraphs to help keep the reader's interest. ......….........................................................
	R1A tightly packed parcel of contents that leave you wanting--which a publisher told me made her editing day. Suck it judges!

JennC Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Addict Joined: 17 Feb 2014 Location: NW Arkansas Status: Offline Points: 848	Post Options Post Reply Quote JennC Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 6:10pm
	Here's the feedback I received for my Round 1 story... ''A Perfect Fall'' by Jenni Cook - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - ..................The dialogue is authentic and engaging, and it creates a strong connection between the characters, especially Addie and Bas. I think you've done a nice job creating good background for Addie, and giving her motivation................This story pulled me in from the outset. I just had to read on to see where it led me. It is told in flawless language and style. ................................................…...Strong setting, very likeable main character. Joe is a very swoonworth interest, and Bas made me laugh..................... WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - ..................I don't think you introduce Joe early enough. Considering Addie and Joe's relationship is the central part of the romantic comedy, you need to give the reader enough time to get to know him, and to really engage with his and Addie's relationship................There is little I can say that might help you improve your writing. A golden rule for me is to keep your writing as tight as you can get it. “As tight as an inner spring mattress” as an editor once put it to me. ............…....................................The frequent ** slow down the story. There are many scene shifts, with very little detail in them. It could be a more compelling story with less shifts......................
	Jenn Click here to read Work-Life Balance

justmel Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 25 Jan 2015 Location: Wisconsin, USA Status: Offline Points: 2211	Post Options Post Reply Quote justmel Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 18 Mar 2015 at 6:15pm
	Here's mine. I was expecting less than this, so I'm pleasantly surprised, too--but they didn't say anything in the "needs improvement" part that I wasn't already expecting: ''Doubting Thomas'' by Melinda Hagenson - WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - .....................Scary small town story. Felt like I was in the middle of a frightening suspense movie. Well written in a way that pulls the reader along. Someone's in the house… Scary! ......Well written, and I like what you're going for in the story. It plays tropes to create a nice twist. ............The atmosphere of the story is great, and it's very suspenseful. Your use of language was excellent and a pleasure to read. I was on the edge of my seat reading this. ..........................................…........................ WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - .....................This story is so well written -- there are very few writing errors. Close attention to detail here -- and I appreciate that! But overall, I think the story starts to lose its spark as the reader works about 2/3 through and realizes that Harry is not going to be Harry after all. It becomes a case of a typical falsely accused man -- the obvious guy to be afraid of? Well he turns out to be harmless. And the man you thought was attacking you? Trying to save you. Watch out you don't fall into a predictable plot -- because you know how to write his kind of story! It did keep me reading, and the prose is clean. ......However, the twists in the story don't make total sense. The mechanics of the plot are somewhat limited by the POV, and there are temporal shifts and tense shifts that distract from the construction of the story. Also, why should we care about Brenna? Thin character. ............Don't give away anything to early. I have to admit I saw the ending coming when you described how two girls were strangled and then Grant had a slit throat. Maybe throw some red herring details in there to make it more of a surpise. ......…......................................................... (Is it nitpicky of me to be thrown off by the typos?)