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tcFlash
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 14 Aug 2014 Location: Michigan Status: Offline Points: 4844 |
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milesmum, Congratulations for writing such a compelling, gut-wrenching, heart-warming story and for placing fourth in your group which allows you to move on and compete in round two. You got a lot of great feedback although some of it was unnecessary. It took me all of two minutes to find out that the word f**k dated back to 1310 in the English language and therefore was totally appropriate for you story.
You are a gifted writer, something the judges recognized, and I will be watching to see if you advance to round 3.
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Reez
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 02 May 2015 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 1628 |
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Here's the feedback I received. The story came 6th in my heat so HM. Bit disappointed with the feedback. 1615 I hope you didn't strain your wrist there!
Dear Reenagh McCall, The feedback from the judges on your Short Story Challenge 2017 submission from the 1st Round is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful and you enjoyed the challenge! ''GUILTY BEFORE INNOCENT'' by Reenagh McCall - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1615} The ending is very chilling and makes the story. {1793} the narrative voice is strong. The countdown moves the plot forward and keeps the suspense up. The ending is unique and charming. {1504} The beginning is a strong hook. I like the description of the clock with the racing hands. The impending execution builds effective suspense. The plot twist involving the cryogenics is very good. The idea of cold-blooded killers, impossible to process and without a deterrent is chilling. The final sentence is memorable. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1615} In some ways, this doesn't feel like a story but rather the prelude to a story. It seems like the main story is John waking up after being executed and discovering that he is indeed a murderer. {1793} The story might be improved by adding more about Mel, to deepen the hidden motives of John. A subtle hint that he knew about the baby, or that he was keen on keeping Mel out of the scene might help to make his character more three-dimensional. {1504} The pace drags a little in the beginning. At the end, Mel was willing to let John see Johnny, but what was her own attitude toward John. More specific details would add to realism. |
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justmel
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 25 Jan 2015 Location: Wisconsin, USA Status: Offline Points: 2114 |
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I think I actually got fairly decent feedback this time. Or anyway I can't disagree with most of it, except the subtlety of my title seems to have zoomed right over 1504's head (a housekeeper is one thing, but a house keeper is something else entirely. On the other hand, I suppose I could have put some kind of clarification in my synopsis . . . .)
Edited to add: The story did not make it into the top eight. ''The House Keeper'' by Melinda Hagenson - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1504} The beginning is filled with drama and intensity. Billy's addiction to pulling wings off flies provides chilling foreshadowing. The ending is horrific and poignant. {1772} The premonition of Augusta's nightmare adds a spooky element and nice foreshadowing of what's to come. It's also an interesting way to tell the backstory. Billy's psychotic tendencies are a good, shocking twist in the end. {1702} I like that the mom manages to overpower Billy and save herself. The willfully ignorant persona you create around Augusta feels very real because it seems like exactly the kind of thing a mother would do, especially in the face of such a traumatic event. But what really makes this characterization great is that she doesn't succumb to his terror. She recognizes it (eventually) and fights back. The pacing in this is wonderful. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1504} I think it would seem more realistic if Augusta displayed some concern about Billy's pulling wings off flies. Augusta's realization about Billy's true nature seems too sudden. You might consider her having the nightmare and seeing Billy kill his father. Consider having a title that's more attention getting. {1772} Consider adding more detail to the physical struggle between Billy and Augusta at the end, so that it has a stronger impact on the reader. Try to strengthen the psychological bond or dependency between Augusta and Billy to create more of a shock in the end. {1702} The "we'll be in a long-distance relationship" comment that the Watson's make feels a bit contrived. It feels a little forced. I think the part of this that could use the most attention would be how obvious it is that Billy is a killer. Because of how transparent his homicidal tendencies are, I think it actually takes away from the suspense of the story. There's no real "is he or isn't he" suspense to frighten the reader or make the reader tense. (That's not to say that there isn't any tension in your tale--there is.) I think recasting Billy's murderous tendencies, perhaps by making them a little more "is he or isn't he," in a way that you see fit could really help strengthen your story by giving it that extra push of horror, tension, and suspense.
Edited by justmel - 22 Mar 2017 at 3:37pm |
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steph9289
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 23 Jan 2016 Location: Brooklyn, NY Status: Offline Points: 8966 |
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''Watch'' by Stephanie Lennon
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY {1793} The sense of suspense in the story is consistent and powerful. The narration is strong, the voice is good, and the action is intense. {1615} The second-person POV was very well done. I also thought the bullying was realistically portrayed. {1504} The child's musings are poignant, especially this: " . . . when your dad left, he left behind more than a couple of broken smiles." At first, the second-person point of view feels awkward, but after reading the story for a while, it seems a good choice. Suspense is strong with the protagonist and the bullies. Much intrigue surrounds the box contents.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK {1793} The story might be improved with more dialogue between the main character and the mother. This might help to deepen the plot and to underscore the motives for the present. We know the main character is there for his mom, and that they are two against the odds, but it might aid the story to see their relationship in more detail, especially after the father leaves. {1615} There needs to be some clarification regarding the father. Did he abandon them? Or did he die? The ending implies the latter, but it's presented as the former for the rest of the story. The language used might need to be adjusted. {1504} I like the title with its multiple meanings, but consider adding words to it to make it more attention getting. Sometimes the protagonist's voice seems too sophisticated. Smooth the prose by using some sentence fragments that would add variety and perhaps reflect his mental state. I think the ending could have a little more impact so it's more memorable. |
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#amrevising
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justmel
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 25 Jan 2015 Location: Wisconsin, USA Status: Offline Points: 2114 |
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I absolutely agree about the improved quality of the feedback, but come on, this line has to have made you cringe: "I would consider making the protagonist much younger." I actually yelled out loud, "THE PROMPT WAS A HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD WOMAN, YOU DIPSH*T!"
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Reez
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 02 May 2015 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 1628 |
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Hey Steph, Glad we had the same judges and that they treated both stories in a similar fashion. Still think 1615 could expand a little though. I did agree with the judges choice to place your story higher than mine and as I didn't get to read the top four, which weren't posted, I can only assume that they were equally deserving. Best of luck moving on. |
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Vernacula
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 21 Jan 2016 Location: West Coast Status: Offline Points: 3729 |
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Does anyone get the sense that some were judged first, when the judges were pumped and energetic, then by the end of the 3000+ they were like: "Writing, themes, yep, sounds good. Watch that passive zzzzzzz."
Overall I feel the feedback is much improved, but there is a definite distinction! |
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Tim G
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 02 Nov 2016 Location: London Status: Offline Points: 6626 |
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I have to say the quality of the feedback I received on this story was a lot less helpful than the quality on the short screenplay contest. For example:
I was curious about her talking about her dad hitting her. Is he just punishing her like a spanking or is her physically violent towards her? In the rest of the story, he seems pretty loving, and that first part confused me. This was despite the first line of my story being: "Best I can remember, Dad only ever hit me once. In fairness to him he hated doing it and I deserved what came my way". I just feel it seemed a bit rushed, and perhaps this is connected to there being so many people in the competition. Also I'm bitter cos an HM is crueller than no M at all :) |
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Rhyming Story R2: Flying On Empty (Thriller)
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Tim G
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 02 Nov 2016 Location: London Status: Offline Points: 6626 |
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I absolutely agree.
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Rhyming Story R2: Flying On Empty (Thriller)
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lisafox10800
NYC Midnight Black Belt Joined: 18 Jul 2016 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 9440 |
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If you have time, take a look at mine. I posted at the end of my story thread. It's insanity.
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lisafoxiswriting.com
My short story collection, Core Truths, is now available wherever books are sold. |
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