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LGianino View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LGianino Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:27pm
Some nice feedback (I was Heat 56 - crime caper). I got an HM, which is nice, but really wanted to advance, of course. It's a little frustrating that I was expected to go into all of this back story about a character not remotely integral to the plot, when I was already at 2485 words! Ah, well. Definitely worth doing this contest for the feedback - this was my first time!

''Sammy'' by Laura Gianino -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1751}  Between young budding flirtatious love, hungry puppies, orphan child criminals,and a pet food robbery, there's just so much kindheartedness in this story to go around that its uplifting. All the characters are believable, and their aims, ultimately, are noble ones, even if they're breaking the law to do it.  And of course Karen wants Hal, not Bill. Good job.  {1615}  The writing was confident and had a good balance of dialog, exposition, and internal thoughts. I also thought the reveal about the puppy was charming and sweet.  {1781}  A nice story with some good characters.  Using a good reason for the caper added some depth to the story.  The scene at the robbery with the police is well done.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1751}  One of the questions that popped up in my mind as I read this story was this: has Jerry not guessed that Karen and the others have another mouth to feed, or at least suspect that they are up to something? Is he simply not protective enough, or is he working too hard to support his sister to notice that the children spend long hours together after dark? Has he ever questioned Hal and the other boys what they might be doing with his younger sibling having at night? These are only suggestions to consider as you forwards with this cheerful and moving story.  {1615}  I think the transition from the cops discovering them to the reveal with the puppy is a little abrupt. It also seems a little pat that the other two were okay with being left behind, part of the plan or not.  {1781}  The story is a little disjointed.  Maybe  think about putting some of the exposition of the characters to earlier in the story.  This will give us a little more empathy.  While the reveal at the end that Sammy is a dog is nice I think not knowing it is a dog takes away from the compassion of the story.  I think if we knew it was a dog we might be routing harder for the group to succeed.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nod1v1ng Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:33pm
I feel that judge's feedback can be hit or miss, but thought it was good this time around, both the good & bad suggestions. Looking forward to the next round! (Two for Tea took first place in the group)

''Two for Tea'' -  
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -
{1786}  I liked the tense sibling relationship between Emily and Abby, and I adored the twin sister past of the inn. I also appreciated the “lights weren’t up to code”idea for the flickering, it gives Emily a down-to-earth feel that I like in a narrator who’s about to have her world turned upside-down. I enjoyed how the story sank into the creepy ghost-like feel; it was very well done indeed.  
{1609}  It is a testament to the skill with which this story is told that giving away the contour of the plot - Emily will re-enact the crime which mirrors her own life in eerie ways - feels dread-inducing rather than predictable. Having the tv crew on hand provides a nice modern contrast to the old fashioned trappings.  
{1740}  Wow, that was a good story! You did a great job at foreshadowing the ending, and not deviating from what you were leading up to... but still making it unexpected. That is a difficult trick and you pulled it off nicely. Great description, detail, and switching back and forth from the increasingly disorienting point of view. Bravo!  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -
{1786}  Consider describing the inn a little bit more and describe Abby a bit more, too, in order to pull the reader deeper into the story. Make sure to add in some speech tags, as the first conversation between Abby and Emily has the “talking heads” kind of feel to it and people who are talking don’t act like that (they do things).  
{1609}  The story would probably have some added poignancy if Abby were given a sincere moment with her sister - a warning, perhaps, or a beat of sympathy before her gruesome death. As a small note, the first quoted song lyric appears to be from "What a Wonderful World," not "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."  
{1740}  The only thing I would suggest is to not make the materialistic twin such a sterotype. Sometimes its easier for readers not to like a character if we aren't instructed so plainly not to like them.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tricksie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:36pm
I found my feedback super helpful this round (and all stuff I would have done with more words, so that's good.) 

''Abso'' by Sarah Stevens -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1718}  This story idea is incredibly unique. Moreover, the protagonist and the plot are both well developed. In addition, the author's use of description helped me to visualize every detail of "Abso."  {1614}  The prose has a good rhythm to it, never falling into a repetitive structure. I enjoyed all of the fine details in the story (ex. "Variegated shades of red and grey stretched toward the buttes at the edge of Gale crater") which I felt helped portray a vivid and realistic futuristic setting.  {1786}  I liked Abso! Cute little robot dog, believable even as it didn’t really look like a dog in Kiki’s POV. I like how the 30-minutes-or-less delivery of equipment reminded Crigler of pizza; making that connection made me like C. more. I like how Kiki thought to bring two chocolate bars and how that’s a civilized treat! The ending was really sweet.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1718}  The secondary character should be further developed. Moreover, the conclusion is a bit abrupt, and reads as unfinished.  {1614}  Compared to Crigler, Kiki's character isn't as fleshed out and comes across as less interesting. Additionally, the conflict that begins the story seems to peter out quickly since Crigler can get the parts he needs with both ease and haste.  {1786}  Consider using the asterisk not as time-jumps but as POV jumps, since we have two character point of views (Kiki and Crigler). Describe the surroundings a bit more - what did the dome look like on the outside and the inside, what did the setting look like, how did Kiki and Crigler feel about this planet? What the POV, on page 8 you started in Kiki’s while she’s heading inside the dome then you jump to Crigler on the bottom of the page then you switch back to Kiki’s at the end of the section. Keep them separate for the reader’s sake.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Vernacula Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:36pm
Originally posted by tcFlash tcFlash wrote:

Originally posted by Vernacula Vernacula wrote:

 ''Serious Only Need Apply'' by T L Maxwell 

Tracy, congratulations on placing first in your group. It was well deserved. The judges loved your story, and you deserved the praise they gave as well. Good luck in round two. 


You are so kind and always supportive. I'm so glad you're a part of this community. Thank you. Heart
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lisafox10800 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:47pm
I've read all the feedback posted thus far, and am so glad to see that the judges provided a good, and in some cases, an excellent level of detail on both the positives and areas for improvement.  It seems everyone received something SPECIFIC that the judges liked  And "Needs Work" elements that are fixable without scrapping the whole thing and starting over. 

My feedback was NOT helpful.  I have appended it to the first page of my thread in the Short Story forum if anyone wants to read it.  Vague generalities in terms of what they felt worked (nothing I can take with me into future writing endeavors), and a sense that they just didn't "get" where this comedy was going in the criticisms, or didn't take the time to really read.  And the contradictions between the judges - holy moly!  One loved my opening, one told me to scrap it.  One loved the fact that my MC was clueless to what was going on around him, one told me that because he/she had figured it out, my story dragged.  One got the "rejection assignment" and the connection to the guru, another couldn't figure it out.

I got an Honorable Mention and given the feedback that was offered, am quite shocked that my story was even recognized.  I am so incredibly disappointed.  Maybe I'm just feeling super-negative about the whole thing and I should look at it with a fresh set of eyes tomorrow.





Edited by lisafox10800 - 22 Mar 2017 at 6:18pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote patsy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:48pm
With this review, I'm surprised I got in!

Dear Patsy Pratt-Herzog,

The feedback from the judges on your Short Story Challenge 2017 submission from the 1st Round is below.  We hope you find the feedback helpful and you enjoyed the challenge!

 

''Something More'' by Patsy Pratt-Herzog -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1820}  Story flowed well, narration was clear and in real language.  {1677}  You do a really good job with dialogue here, allowing conversation between characters to tell much of the story. I particularly liked Mrs. Houston as a character.  {1651}  This story brought me to tears. But what I enjoyed most is this author's thoughtful storytelling. Every moment was laid out carefully and quietly, leading up to a beautiful climax.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1820}  Ending was a obvious and melodramatic  {1677}  In order for the end to seem more realistic, I think you need to show some evidence of violence earlier, not just Mrs. Houston's fear of it. For Jadyn's death to feel as tragic as it is meant to be, I also think you need to show why he wants to become a doctor in the first place--how talented and smart he is--so the reader better appreciates what the world is losing.  {1651}  I wish there was more pipe laid for the friendship between Jadyn and Dmitry before we met him near the end of the story. If he was mentioned earlier in the story, I feel like the ending would be more powerful. Right now, I feel sad about Jadyn dying, but what I should feel sad about is this best friendship ending over heartbreaking circumstances.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote scriber Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:49pm
I feel the feedback was generally good. I did have a giggle about not portraying all the men as womanisers since there was no womanising (let alone the room to have them do so), but the comment about making sure they're not all bull-headed is fair. It's partly why I wrote in the husband, to show there are different kinds of men, but that wasn't my strongest scene either. Definitely good advice if I ever expand.

''The Colour Dignity''

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1663} The women in this story are strong and admirable, but they're still well-rounded, flawed people. The reader very much identifies with them and wants them to succeed. The story begins with a beautiful, fluid description that sets the story in its time and place, and sets the reader in a place of curiosity. The integration of third-person narration and the main character's thoughts is very effective and clear.


{1582} Commendable synopsis. Great opening grounded in place and verisimilitude. Well done rising action and relatable theme even in the 21st-C; passion-filled plot. “An only child” – well done usage. Good plot development and dialogue; metaphorical use of "a test." Moving climactic scene on p. 4! Well done background information on Martha. Commendable characterization of Martha.


{1770} The vibrant language used creates a rich, colorful setting full of sensory detail. The dialogue and descriptive clothing as well help add to the atmosphere, grounding the characters in a concrete place and time.


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1663} There is the opportunity to explore the male characters more deeply. Instead of being bull-headed womanizers, it can be shown that they are trying to preserve a way of life that they see as proper and correct, things as they should be. While they are clearly wrong, they are not entirely malicious. It's a small consideration, but the ending line seems to undermine the importance of this fight, in being called a small step. Certainly the fight for gender inequality extends beyond this conflict, but if this led to 8.4 million gaining the right to vote, there may be a way to honor the achievement more fully, still without melodrama. Finally, the section about the hunger strike is somewhat abrupt. There is potential to show Martha's decision to take such a drastic step.


{1582} Carefully consider title. Moving ending; a comment on Martha and her supportive husband missing though, especially after her first jail term.


{1770} This story provides an intriguing glimpse into the dramatic experience of a suffragette. Some of the most engaging moments are scenes that illuminate Martha's inner thought process through this struggle. Consider experimenting with perspective; a first person narrator from Martha's point of view might allow more of her impressions and interpretations of these events to come to light. It seems her voice is already pushing through in her moments of wonder.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AllyM84 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:55pm
This was definitely the best feedback I've ever received in this competition. And by that I mean it's the most specific, substantial, and helpful. They actually offered real suggestions to fix the things they didn't like, they never do that! Hats off to the judges this time around! 

Also, I did advance and my story is my signature. There are SPOILERSin the feedback. 

''The Halfway House'' by Allison Spooner -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1732}  I wasn't sure at all where this story was going. I thought you just had an interesting father/daughter team working here. And when the lumberjack came stomping to the door my first thought was that he must be evil. I was delighted to be wrong! What fine, bittersweet story! Great descriptive writing, too.  {1689}  I love your set-up of “halfway house”—but then the use you make of it to tell the story of Pearl and her lumberjack: awesome. Great choice to have the father pull the Lumberjack aside and see how this is going to go before letting the story swing back around to include Pearl. The moment when her father turns to her and says she can go is deeply powerful and touching.  {1610}  ~ O ~ What a wonderful focus: Psycho-pomp work!

~ I appreciated the subtle way you revealed Pearl's age, via the grandmother with the cookies.

Loved this line: "The dishes were full, but he didn't he didn't cook to feed their hunger, everyone knows ghosts don't eat, he cooked to feed their memories."

~ You did a great job shifting from the benign atmosphere with the group dinner to a decidedly menacing one with the lumberjack.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1732}  I think I spotted a typo or two, just watch those, but otherwise, wonderful work!  {1689}  Don’t change much as it’s working very well. You’re not doing much of this, but do go back and root out any sentimentality in the telling. I think this creeps in only a little when the Father is a little too kind to the Lumberjack.  {1610}  ~ Your log-line is missing a period after the second sentence, and log-lines should be polished to the max: first impressions and all that.  And while it is pleasantly attractive, it could use more tension.

Suggestion:

"Pearl and her father live between two worlds, helping the newly departed transition from this realm to the next. But one day a formidable figure arrives at their door, and the time may have come for one of them to transition."

~ The scene when the lumberjack arrives was confusing to me because I assumed that loud  "Bam Bam!" was him knocking at the door, so it was disorienting to be told he hadn't arrived there yet.

~ Unfortunately, there is a severely weak element, and that is how Pearl was killed ~ Are we to believe the lumberjack actually struck her? It would be a tad more credible if he felled a branch that hit her, but even that's a long shot.

~ It would be lovely if Pearl's father had some favorite food to share with her in the final scene: say a plate with a serving of tiramisu which would make her tear up before departing.

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lisafox10800 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:56pm
Originally posted by patsy patsy wrote:

With this review, I'm surprised I got in!

Dear Patsy Pratt-Herzog,

The feedback from the judges on your Short Story Challenge 2017 submission from the 1st Round is below.  We hope you find the feedback helpful and you enjoyed the challenge!

 

''Something More'' by Patsy Pratt-Herzog -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1820}  Story flowed well, narration was clear and in real language.  {1677}  You do a really good job with dialogue here, allowing conversation between characters to tell much of the story. I particularly liked Mrs. Houston as a character.  {1651}  This story brought me to tears. But what I enjoyed most is this author's thoughtful storytelling. Every moment was laid out carefully and quietly, leading up to a beautiful climax.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1820}  Ending was a obvious and melodramatic  {1677}  In order for the end to seem more realistic, I think you need to show some evidence of violence earlier, not just Mrs. Houston's fear of it. For Jadyn's death to feel as tragic as it is meant to be, I also think you need to show why he wants to become a doctor in the first place--how talented and smart he is--so the reader better appreciates what the world is losing.  {1651}  I wish there was more pipe laid for the friendship between Jadyn and Dmitry before we met him near the end of the story. If he was mentioned earlier in the story, I feel like the ending would be more powerful. Right now, I feel sad about Jadyn dying, but what I should feel sad about is this best friendship ending over heartbreaking circumstances.


At least they are giving you something specific.  Take a look at mine. It's riddled with generalities and contradictions from the judges.  I want to give back my HM at this point.  So upset.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SakuraHime Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:59pm
So I did move on to the second round. Here's the feedback I received:

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1744} This was an engaging and surprising story, and I really enjoyed watching the turn of events play out at the end. Your characters are compelling and layered. {1689} I love the depth of feelings and height of stakes that permeate your story. Theodore, Claire, and Abigail all feel deeply real—and therefore are easy to care about and to root for. It’s a great choice and particularly touching that there are really no “bad guys” here as everyone is doing whatever terrible things they are doing because they “must.” {1807} A lively, fun, pulpy read. When Theodore smacks Claire in the head with the book, my jaw literally dropped! High energy, high stakes, and a compelling story make this a solid read. Well done.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1744} Some of your word choices deserve a second look - when someone is being held hostage, I'm not sure whether his "chocolate" eyes are the most important detail, and since Claire is describe as "small" and "slender," would she really "lumber" towards Abigail? Make sure your adjectives are as precise as possible, and that you are pointing our attention to the most important details at each moment. {1689} Don’t change much! It’s working very well. However, I’d love for you to get into the action the two things you reflect upon at the end. I really want to feel how hard it is for Claire to do what she has to do. Take the time to go inside and show us that pain through her actions. Even moreso for Theodore, I want those questions about his ability to practice anymore to rise and attack him—so to speak—in the moment. {1807} The underlying story comes across as slightly oversimplified. Surely a scenario such as this would have more complexity. The prose is, at times, a bit shrill and melodramatic. The ending feels a bit pat. That last line gave me a chuckle.
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