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Vernacula View Drop Down
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    Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 1:29pm
I figured I'd start.

''Serious Only Need Apply'' by T L Maxwell -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1795}  I've been very happy to be surprised during the judging of this contest. Horror is not a thing that usually has an unpredictable twist anymore, and I was very caught up in the idea that Mary was simply haunted by a man who raped her, and she was thusly dealing with her own pain, and trying to get through it without killing herself (or trying to stop the urge of killing herself). Now I realize she just had an urge to kill, and her dead husband was haunting her in that house, until she could find another to put in that place.

Clever, creative, and more than a little crazy, I very much enjoyed this seeming descent into madness...even though she was already certifiable at the opening of the story.  {1739}  The big ending was great.  Scared old lady into psycho killer in one line.  Very nice. Mary don't play.  You created a great misdirect in her having scary dreams. When it's revealed that she was the cause of the dreams, it's very satisfying.  {1786}  Nice beginning, it really grabbed me and peaked my interest about this Mary character. It was a nice portrayal of agoraphobia, too, which I appreciated in this setting. I also appreciated the very obvious con that she fell into. I loved the scene with the intruders in the middle of the night, it was action-packed and moved the story along.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1795}  I do believe I am missing some part of your story, which I can't seem to find. If these people to whom she gave her information came for her...how is it that she started this teaching work with Mr. Wong after all? This is the only thing that has really confused me about the story. She seems to start the internet job she applied for anyway, even though it seems that that very job was a scam that sent the men after her in the first place.

Also I'm curious about the image of "a plume of smoke trailing a gathering murder of crows." Is this indicative of the men who came after her, all dressed in black? Were they merely figurative men she fought in a drug-induced haze? And that broke her fear, building her confidence, and allowing her to be free?  {1739}  At the end, she's talking about having an apprentice.  I didn't quite get that.  Is she teaching her victim how to be a serial killer?  Also, is she setting up a bogus business at the end? Is she just assuming more thieves will come?  {1786}  Consider clarifying that the Buck 110 is a knife, because at first I thought it was some type of gun and I was confused. Also, if she’s looking for something inside her wrist, why not use such a good knife as that one? Consider also showing us what the stray thought that “would’ve scared the man” was since we’re in her POV anyway.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tcFlash Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 1:32pm
For the record, I did not advance to round two.

''Storm Tower'' by Chris Mills 
(tcFlash)  -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1758}  The action sequences are engaging and well written. The idea of making the simulation the focus of the story is an intriguing device and a creative approach to the challenge. Nicely done.  {1812}  The story builds suspense early on with Martha's arrival at the banquet. A setting in a skyscraper over 100  stories above the city is an excellent backdrop for the drama that unfolds. The demands of the terrorist are authentic-sounding and so is Tom's escape plan, so it comes as a complete surprise when the staged attack is revealed to be one of Tom's simulation programs. Well done!  {1743}  The sentence "This is all so bizarre, I can't believe it's happening," may be emblematic to describing this short story.   It is adequately, and even interestingly, written, but it does suffer a bit from exaggeration.  With this said, this tale of suspense, which is imbued with a fantastical nature, holds the reader's attention to the very end.  Also, readers might find that it is one of the more entertaining pieces of writing they may have read in some time.  Congratulations for writing such a compelling piece of fiction.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1758}  Here is something you might want to consider as you revise your story in the future. Although I like the general premise of the story, the idea of putting a 100-year old woman through a traumatic simulation as you describe it strikes me as implausible, despite her position and status. The stress of such a situation on someone half her age would be difficult to handle, but for someone that old, it’s hard to imagine it not being lethal. In rewrites, I would consider making the protagonist much younger. You might also want to think about adding another twist. Perhaps Martha is an arrogant person, and she makes a mistake during the simulation that costs lives, and she is humbled at the end. Things to think about.  {1812}  Storm Tower has all the elements of a good Suspense story. The author should now concentrate on tying up any loose ends; for example, Martha says to Tom, "I shot and may have killed a man while we flew through the air. I can't even hit a stationary target...." Instead of responding to her comment, Tom holds out his hand and asks, "Are you ready to go?" Tom's answer could lead the story in a totally different direction, or it could simply be part of the  simulation program playing out - were the snipers part of the program, or were "they" a glitch in the program??  {1743}  The conclusion needs work.  Although the reader can suspend their belief, the ending just isn't quite believable.  Martha can hardly be demure at the end of the story after acting in such a demonstrative manner.  There is a sentence toward the end in which she is portrayed as being indecisive.  That might better be cut.  Strong suggestion is made to revisit the text of the story and to look for misspellings, for clear transitions, for sentences in which you may have overwritten, and for fluid narrative and syntax.  That is asking a lot, but the story can be improved,  With just a little bit more work it might be made into a publishable piece of fiction.  The story is worth the work, and deserves such.  Happy editing!

Edited by tcFlash - 22 Mar 2017 at 1:53pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tcFlash Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 1:50pm
This is by far the most extensive,  upbeat feedback I have received in four years. My hat is off to the judges for the two critiques I have read so far. I hope everyone gets this same treatment. We have waited a long time and deserve a thorough analysis. 

Thank you, judges 1758, 1812 and 1743, for looking so closely at my story and for the substantive comments, both positive and negative. I highly appreciate that you have encouraged me to revise the story and seek publication. 


Edited by tcFlash - 22 Mar 2017 at 1:55pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ABC Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 1:57pm
''Burnt'' by Angie Ellis -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1800}  The plot is fantastically original. I love the recall at the end to Ben playing conductor. Great details throughout.  {1742}  What a great riveting coming of age tale with incredible scenery, description, and use of first person narration. Your protagonist was so full of complex inner conflict! Loved it!  {1689}  I love how you capture the depth of Katherine’s distress at not being seen directly through all the little things she does to get noticed—that then bring her the wrong kind of attention. Her connection to Ben and Ben’s love for her is deeply touching because despite herself, it isn’t enough. Great build to the fire and shadowy, gossipy after effects that chase her finally from the town—free to go because Dad got rid of the tell-tale piece of paper.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1800}  I would look back at the scene of the actual fire and add some more details. A little more information on the mom would have been nice.  {1742}  I think the story drags in the middle because there are quite a few broad strokes. The Police integration seemed like an important moment that was glossed over which could provide some insight into the protagonist and create all the more conflict. Consider getting to the fire quicker as well - perhaps page 4 or 5  {1689}  Don’t change much as it’s working very well. I would like to feel Katherine’s remorse a bit more strongly—or at least have you deal with her own internal turmoil after the fire a little more clearly. Can you find a way for her say goodbye to Ben? That will be sure to crack the hearts of your readers wide open.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tcFlash Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 1:58pm
Originally posted by Vernacula Vernacula wrote:

 ''Serious Only Need Apply'' by T L Maxwell 

Tracy, congratulations on placing first in your group. It was well deserved. The judges loved your story, and you deserved the praise they gave as well. Good luck in round two. 


Edited by tcFlash - 22 Mar 2017 at 2:05pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LGianino Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:12pm
Chris, I'm so grateful to you for sharing your feedback! Your feedback was SO wonderful, I then had to of course read your story, which was clever & well-written & fun. I immediately went to the results page to see where you placed in your heat and couldn't believe you didn't advance!

But your post made me feel SO much better about not placing myself, because I was upset all day yesterday and a little bit into today. (Which surprised me, being so sad -- and I am VERY happy for the writers who did advance, of course!). The point is, I felt like if a story as good as yours with such wonderful feedback did not advance, then it seems to me that I can't consider myself a failure for not advancing in my own category. You have a talent, which is obvious to the judges - and that seems the more important takeaway from this whole experience.

I'm also planning on joining the Flash Fiction challenge this summer! 

Thank you again. (Eagerly still awaiting my feedback!) 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Clare1564 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:15pm
Here's the feedback I received.  I got an HM so was really happy with that, but don't feel that the judges' feedback is particularly helpful.  I had much more useful feedback on the forums.  Also, really confused by the comment about run-on sentences, as I know there weren't any!  I teach English at secondary level, and if there's one thing I know about it's sentence construction!

''Aftermask'' by Clare Rodliffe -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1786}  I liked how everything was a bit less impressive than Lori dreamed/hoped; it made her character more relatable and believable. I really enjoyed the idea behind your story - the First and Second world, the masks, and such, it was really creative. It was also a really creative use of the prompts you were given.  {1669}  This is an interesting take on entering the afterlife. I like the guard that accompanies her to the second life.  {1718}  The author's use of descriptive imagery helped me to visualize both the setting and each story event. The plot and ensuing suspense of the story was also well executed. The protagonist was also reasonably well developed.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1786}  Consider putting in Lori’s thoughts in italics, as it’s a common practice in the literary world and would make the change easier for the readers to notice. Also consider adding in more of Lori’s immediate thoughts, as they pull the reader deeper into the character’s mind. Consider removing the style from the bolded, underlined, italicized I in “I chose to fight” as the readers don’t need that extra emphasis.  {1669}  At the beginning, there's a lot of information dumped on the reader. Consider that not all of the detail is necessary for the ending. Watch out for run-on sentences. Consider going back and adding a few more sensory details (the sweat is good example)--smells, sounds, the taste of the air, the feeling of a breeze, etc.  {1718}  The protagonist should be further developed. I would like to know more about who she is as a woman, for example what she desires, apart from her longing to enter the second world.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote milesmum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:16pm
I really think the judges are doing a much better job than they used to.

This story took 4th place.

''Assets and Liabilities'' by Susannah Carlson -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1652}  This is well written on the sentence level, and the author understands how to structure a scene and control the plot. The puppet makes a surprising and compelling appearance at the end.  {1797}  For the most part, this story was written smoothly, and it had dialogue that sounded natural, which is a great concern in Historical Fiction. I liked that you included descriptions of the surrounding environment, and both characters were well-defined in their speaking styles. There is a lot of potential for an emotionally-charged story with this one.  {1769}  This short story has a terrific hook and I was totally engaged immediately. Your writing shows brevity, exceptional fluency, freshness and originality in the use of language.  You also demonstrate complete control in the use of imagined detail.  Your setting and characters are totally believable. You have a striking voice which shows full control of narrative register and dialogue and also a high awareness of tone and rhythm. Plot wise you followed exposition, complication, climax and resolution effectively.  WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1652}  I wish I knew more about these men and their mission--to be thrown into this incredibly cruel situation is quite a shock, and things just get more extreme from there (to watch a baby bashed against a boulder is a lot to ask of a reader). We're obviously in much more humane hands with Albert than with Jasper, but without understanding what is driving or motivating these men--or delving more completely into their relationship--it's hard to extract meaning from this very gruesome series of events. The happy ending--of sorts--doesn't quite redeem or comment enough on what's come before for this reader.  {1797}  While I don't mind reading four-letter words in literature, I found the first instance of "f**k" to be out-of-place. I couldn't find out exactly when the term "f**ker" or "motherf**ker" began being used. It's possible that it could've been used this way in the 1800's, but the way that sentence is phrased seems more modern and even out of character for Jasper's style of speaking. Maybe a different word could be used there that's a more specific derogatory term for Native Americans. I thought the second instance of the word ("f**kin' Diggers...") was a better fit. There were also a few sentences that I had to re-read because they didn't flow naturally. If you read the story aloud, you'll find those spots more easily so you can rephrase them. Also, make sure to check the spelling because there were a few misspellings that would pass spell check.

Technicalities aside, the story could be improved by scaling down on some of the graphic details of the violence and replace those with connections to the emotional experiences of the characters and who they are as people outside of this moment in time. If I had a greater connection to the characters as people, I would've been able to invest emotionally into this story to a much greater degree. More details about the setting would've been nice as well, to make this story seem more realistic.  {1769}  Very little of this short story needs re-working.  It is an impressive piece of writing.  However, be aware that the assignment requires you to write a synopsis.  You have indeed included a narrative which lightly passes as a synopsis but is really just a quote.  I do not think it worth penalising but be sure to follow guidelines strictly in any future competitions.

Edited by milesmum - 22 Mar 2017 at 2:39pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TabbyKat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:21pm
Delighted to have been awarded an HM considering the genre' romcom' is probably the only type of story I've never written. Well done! Everybody and to those moving forward x


''Plus One'' by Tabatha Stirling -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1713} The story had a lot of information to explore and world building that offered an immersion that was both quality and clever. I found it engaging and endearing, with cultural and linguistic elements that fit together naturally. It was this level of narrative authenticity that really 'sold' the story and its characters. Well done on all those fronts - and more! {1773} I liked this story a lot and the rich diverse cultural element that was included. It showed me that this writer has great depth and substance. It also felt realistic. {1657} Love the rich imagery. And Aeni is a compelling, mysterious character. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1713} I wonder if there were more opportunities for dialogue openers - I found the charm of the story to really come from the character interactions and, just a little bit, the story felt a little heavy with descriptions given the length. It nearly felt as though it was trying to build itself into an even grander narrative - which, given the quality of your writing - is a great concept to explore. Still, this is merely an opinion. I think you did a wonderful job regardless of this. Well done. {1773} There were a few errors that could have been corrected easily. And I did not like the description written in the synopsis and I think the writer could have come up with a better synopsis for this wonderful, rich story. {1657} Mix up the writing style here and there to create movement and fluidity. Towards the end you strike that note well.

Edited by TabbyKat - 22 Mar 2017 at 2:24pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tcFlash Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Mar 2017 at 2:23pm
Originally posted by LGianino LGianino wrote:

Chris, I'm so grateful to you for sharing your feedback! Your feedback was SO wonderful, I then had to of course read your story, which was clever & well-written & fun. I immediately went to the results page to see where you placed in your heat and couldn't believe you didn't advance!

But your post made me feel SO much better about not placing myself, because I was upset all day yesterday and a little bit into today. (Which surprised me, being so sad -- and I am VERY happy for the writers who did advance, of course!). The point is, I felt like if a story as good as yours with such wonderful feedback did not advance, then it seems to me that I can't consider myself a failure for not advancing in my own category. You have a talent, which is obvious to the judges - and that seems the more important takeaway from this whole experience.

I'm also planning on joining the Flash Fiction challenge this summer! 

Thank you again. (Eagerly still awaiting my feedback!) 


Thank you for your kind words and for taking time to go read my story. In my opinion, based on the three judges' feedback I've read, this is the best judges' responses I've seen in four years. I'm very glad you are more encouraged now. The secret to this challenge is to improve as a writer between competitions from one year to the next. Learn from this experience, apply what you learned and use it next year.

I'm glad to hear that you will be joining us in the FFC. It is a lot of fun. The stories are shorter, so we get to read and review more. 
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