NYC Midnight : Creative Writing & Screenwriting Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > GENERAL DISCUSSION > Creative Writing Corner
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Instead of a contest entry, a Twilight parody
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

Instead of a contest entry, a Twilight parody

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  123 4>
Author
Message
Trillian4210 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2008
Status: Offline
Points: 2476
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trillian4210 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Instead of a contest entry, a Twilight parody
    Posted: 30 Sep 2010 at 12:29am
This was written for an informal contest about a year ago.  We were given prompts and had to write based on those prompts, but I was burnt out on the contest so I wrote this piece of tripe.
(the prompt was "soul kiss.")
 
I've read fifteen pages of the first book and saw the first movie (against my will) so that's what this is based on.  If you're a Twi-hard or something, my apologies. Wink
 

Twilight 101 (or) Vampire Kisses are Sexy

 

Bella moved to Forks because her step-dad liked baseball and preferred traveling to games as opposed to raising children..  That was the reason on paper anyway.  But in actual fact, Bella's mother felt that there was nothing left in Phoenix for Bella to complain about, and thought that a sojourn to a perpetually dismal locale with an emotionally detached father was just the ticket.  The fact that Bella wouild have to transfer to a new high school was a bonus, ripe with angsty possibilities.   To her mother’s thinking, it was better to keep Bella busy with bitching and moaning as opposed to drugs and sex.

            Bella was appropriately apathetic to the news.

 

            Bella’s father picked her up from the airport and they shared a delightfully awkward and silent car ride to his home.  Soon after, she was reacquainted with old her friend Jake and his grandfather, both of whom sported silky black hair and enviable bone structures.    Bella’s father also gave her a clunky pick-up truck which was so that she could have some independence and NOT because he was trying to kiss her ass.

 

            The first day of school arrived and Bella twitched and tripped to her classes where—much to her dismay and chagrin—everyone adored her.   Bella was perturbed.  She had stuttered and mumbled her way through every introduction, and refused to crack a smile even one time, and suddenly she was in danger of becoming prom queen. 

            But one boy didn’t seem to like her.  He didn’t seem to like her at all, and that confused Bella further.  While her innate self rejoiced at having something else to complain about, another, deeper part of her was stirred by this vision in black, a boy beset with magnificent eyes of gold and deep cleft of chin.  She was so much stirred, in fact, that against all that was natural to her (and to the teenage population of earth in general) she was prompted to inquire about someone other than herself.

            “Who is that?” she asked the bubbly girl who had declared them best friends earlier that morning, but whose name presently escaped Bella.

            “That is Edward Cullen.  And those other pasty kids are his brothers and sisters.  Their dad is a doctor and he adopted all of them and they are the most gorgeous people in the universe.  But don’t bother trying to get to know them.  They’re kind of snobby.”

            “So am I,” Bella muttered to herself, narrowing her eyes at Edward.  “So am I…”

 

            In Science Class, Bella was assigned to Edward as lab partners because otherwise we don’t have much of a story here, people.   He appeared simultaneously nauseated and aroused beyond control to have her sit beside him and abruptly vacated the room.  Bella twitched and jerked angstily in return.  The Bunsen burner flickered...forgotten.

            On the way to the parking lot after school, Bella dodged three tedious prom proposals and stood beside her truck feeling quite sorry for herself.  Edward Cullen was across the way and giving her the stink eye.  Bella didn’t think that was fair at all.  Fortunately, the most popular kid in school—she couldn’t remember his name—was doing wheelies in the parking lot and lost control of his car.  It careered straight toward Bella.  As the screeching hunk of metal came at her, she breathed a sigh of relief that her misery was about to be put to an end.

            But Edward Cullen was suddenly there, and pushing the car away, and holding her in his pulsing, throbbing, deathly cold arms. 

            “How did you do that?” Bella whispered.

            Edward’s jaw hung open in a tantalizingly stupid manner. “What?”

            “Stop the car.”

            “Er, I think you hit your head.”

            “I know what I saw.”

            “Let’s go to a meadow and I’ll explain everything.”

            Bella nodded, climbed on Edward’s back and he ran like a super-powered chicken to a quiet glade deep in the forest.

 

            “So tell me everything.”

            “Oh, but it hurts me so.”  Edward glanced at a spherical patch of sunlight that squeezed its way through the dense foliage above.  “Come. I’ll show you what kind of horrible creature I am.”

            Bella followed him to the circle of light, and watched as Edward undid the buttons of his shirt.  He was muttering something about being a murderer, but Bella didn’t catch it. Edward stepped into the circle of sunlight and the hairless, muscular, porcelain skin of his face, neck and chest began to sparkle as though he had taped a million little prisms there.  Or maybe rolled around in some glitter dust.

            “See?” he said brokenly.  “See what kind of monster I am?”

            Bella cocked her head.  “I’m not sure I…?”

            “You don’t know what it’s like…”

            “Well, it seems kind of pretty.”

            Edward snorted.  “Pretty.” He rounded on her, all pale and sexy and brooding. “You wouldn’t think it was so ‘pretty’ if you found yourself at a picnic with a ‘70s theme.  I doubt you’d think being stripped naked…your wrists bound to your feet…to be strung up like a piñata, all because some asshole forgot the disco ball…”

            Bella reached out a hand.  “I never thought of it that way…”

            Edward recovered himself and stepped back into the shade.  He moved close.  “Don’t you get it?  I’m not a human.  I’m a Something Else.  Can you guess?”

            “I don’t think so.”  

             “Go on, try.”

            “I’m not good at things I’ve never done before and so I don’t do them.”

            “Oh, come on. Please?”

            “Okay.” Bella bit her lip.  “A zombie?”

            “Nope.”

            “A unicorn?”

            “Guess again!”

            “A valkerie?”

            “Oooh, so close!  It is a V word…”

            Bella’s breath hitched sexily in her throat.  “Vampire?”

            Edward closed his eyes.   “Yesss… And that is why we can never be together, not ever, ever, ever.”

 

            Two days later, Bella found herself at the Cullen’s home where the vampires charmingly attempted to make her a spaghetti dinner, sans garlic.   Why they chose Italian food instead of something else where garlic wouldn't be an issue is not the point. 

            “So let me get this straight,” Bella said to the patriarch of the Cullen clan.  “You’re all immortal..."

            "Yep."
             "And you travel around, from town to town…enrolling the vampires in a new high school every where you go?”
              “Correct.”  
               Bella blinked.  “You mean, they spend their eternities jumping from high school to high school? What kind of sick motherfu—“

            “It’s for their protection,” the senior Cullen replied, whose name had slipped Bella’s mind. “So they fit in.”

            There was some sincerely faulty reasoning going on here, but Bella was conscious that she was the equivalent of a side of beef hanging around a pack of rabid (but ungodly sexual) hyenas, and kept her mouth shut.   And besides, the baseball game was starting.

 

            It is a little-known fact that vampires are huge baseball fans.  Bella wasn’t surprised; baseball games always seemed to drag on for an eternity to her, so it made sense the immortal undead were attracted to the sport.

            But some Bad Vampires showed up and one—Bella didn’t catch his name—got a whiff of her humanity and went into a slobbering frenzy.

            “Let’s go!” Edward said, and whisked Bella away.

 

            “You’ll have to runaway now,” Edward said in the Ford Taurus on the way to her house. “That vampire will stop at nothing to eat you.”

            “What should I do?” Bella moaned.

            Thinking quickly and sexily, Edward said, “You’ll have to run away from your dad.  And you’ll have to do it in a way that unnecessarily scars him for life.  Otherwise, it won’t be believable.”

            Bella nodded.  “Can do.  But where should we go?”

            Phoenix,” Edward said.  “It’s the last place anyone would associate with vampires."

             "Phoenix? I used to live there," Bella said, perplexed.  "What a coincidence." 
             Edward shrugged.  "Try not to think about details too much. It's easier that way."
           

            So Bella destroyed her father’s life with a few choice words about what a douchebag he was for divorcing her mom and ran back to Phoenix.  

           

            Meanwhile, back at school, the other kids were in a tizzy over Bella’s absence.  They were shocked, therefore, to see her return just in time for prom on the arm of Edward Cullen.  A walking cast adorned her right leg. 

            She didn’t tell them she’d battled the ravenous undead…”I tripped over a garden hose.”

The kids shook their heads and chuckled appreciatively.  “Oh, that Bella.  Such a klutz!”

 

            Edward and Bella danced in an outside gazebo, he barely able to contain his throbbing…emotions. 

            “I want to be a vampire, too,” Bella whispered.  “I want what you are.”

            Edward frowned sexily.  “You don’t know what you’re asking.  The hunger is constant and unless you want to be a murderer…”

“I want to be like you.”         

“Bella, I had a hedgehog for lunch today…”

“Please, Edward.” Bella leaned forward. “It’s not bad, I know it. It’s like a kiss…where your soul and mine are joined forever.  Kiss me…”

“Actually, it’s more like I bite your jugular with my teeth and drink your blood.”

“Yes…”

                 “Then, after sh*tting yourself, you die a painful death and wake up again all sparkly and monstrous…”

                    Bella frowned.  “Hmmm.  I’ll sh*t myself?”

                   “Quite likely, yes.”

                     Bella sighed and leaned her head against Edward’s sexy, yet creepily heartbeat-less chest.  “Maybe I won’t be a vampire.”

                   “Good.” 

                   They danced slowly and after a moment, she brightened.  “But you know what are really cool?  Werewolves!”

                   Edward sighed.  “Oh, bother.”

             

           

 
Back to Top
sutekh137 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 16 Jan 2008
Status: Offline
Points: 2617
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sutekh137 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2010 at 9:38am
Trillian,

Too awesome for words!

So, I'll use your own words and just quote my favorite lines:

================

“So am I,” Bella muttered to herself, narrowing her eyes at Edward.  “So am I…”

“Let’s go to a meadow and I’ll explain everything.”

Why they chose Italian food instead of something else where garlic wouldn't be an issue is not the point. 

“Bella, I had a hedgehog for lunch today…”

=========================

This is comedy gold...

JoeK
==============================================
Slow down. In attempting to do everything at once, you're missing it all.
==============================================
Back to Top
sutekh137 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 16 Jan 2008
Status: Offline
Points: 2617
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sutekh137 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2010 at 9:47am
(Oh, and a critique in my usual style, but written as a stupid tween girl)

Trillian,

Likes:
Oooooh!  Yeeeeeeee! I LOVE vampires! Edward Cullen is like, he's just....wheeeeeee! I liked the part where Bella was popular and parts where Edward was, you know, in it. When he talked about being a disco ball I felt so sad for him and yet imagined myself dancing with him at the same time. So, you, like, made my emotions do two different things subcutaneously.  I know, right?  PLEASE let me be like Bella someday! I don't think she should have mentioned werewolves, though, because Edward doesn't like them. I'm not sure which I like better.  *squeal*

Dislikes:
Something here made my head, like, hurt. I talked about the two levels of the disco ball, right? But sometimes it almost seemed like you were, I don't know, making fun of vampires and stuff? I don't know why you would do that, so I thought maybe I was reading it wrong? Anyway, I just thought it was important for you to know that some of your smarter readers might get confused by this other tone here that I can't quite put my finger on. Just keep the focus on Edward, and Edward-related stuff, so we can imagine being Bella. Also, I think you should do some research on vampires, because there's no way Bella would guess Edward was a unicorn, and definitely not a lame zombie. Yuck!

Summation:
I don't know what a "summation" is, so I'll just say I liked this story about Edward.

Thanks for, like, sharing and stuff.

JosephineK, age 14
==============================================
Slow down. In attempting to do everything at once, you're missing it all.
==============================================
Back to Top
londongirl View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2009
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 2699
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote londongirl Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2010 at 9:53am
Please stop. I have work to do and this is so much more entertaining.
Back to Top
jrobbins79 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 725
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jrobbins79 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2010 at 10:17am
Ooooh, your keyboard is dripping with venom, Trill.  Good stuff.  Probably a million times funnier and smarter than that "Vampires Suck" movie, written by those two ass clowns that wrote all those other sh*tty spoofs (Meet the Spartans, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Movie Movie...).  Someone needs to write a spoof about two dumb jackasses that somehow achieve fame and fortune by making godawful spoof movies, and the satanic film studio that funds them.
Back to Top
shandra leah View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 13 Jan 2010
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 336
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote shandra leah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2010 at 10:51am
*sneaks out of the shadows to read this one* heehee!! My three favorite lines:

"Edward Cullen was across the way and giving her the stink eye." stink eye seriously made me giggle out loud (gol?)

"
Bella wasn’t surprised; baseball games always seemed to drag on for an eternity to her, so it made sense the immortal undead were attracted to the sport." I hate baseball, too, and feel the same way

"
Bella frowned.  “Hmmm.  I’ll sh*t myself?”

                   “Quite likely, yes.”

                     Bella sighed and leaned her head against Edward’s sexy, yet creepily heartbeat-less chest.  “Maybe I won’t be a vampire.”


sh*tting oneself is always high on the list of things to consider when doing anything, right?..


actually it was all really funny... I have read all the Twilight books (Don't ask me why, I'm not sure how I got through all of them without vomiting), I think it was mostly to prove to my twi-hard friends that it sucks, and I felt that I couldn't honestly debate without having read them myself, but they weren't buying my arguments and remain twi-hards. *sigh*

"The soul that loves and suffers is in the sublime state." -Victor Hugo
Back to Top
Trillian4210 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2008
Status: Offline
Points: 2476
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Trillian4210 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2010 at 11:52am
Thanks guys.  It's really silly, I know. 
 
" I think you should do some research on vampires, because there's no way Bella would guess Edward was a unicorn... " 
 
LOL, Joe!  Your review was exactly what my story deserves. Wink
 
Shandra: That you read them all for the sake of academic debate...your service and sacrifice to our cause is duly noted.  ;)
 
Jason: Is Vampires Suck very bad?  (Not that I was holding out hope otherwise.)  But if anything deserves a full spoof, it's Twilight.
 
Thanks for reading guys.  And we now return to our regularly scheduled program...
 
Back to Top
jrobbins79 View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Black Belt
NYC Midnight Black Belt
Avatar

Joined: 11 Jan 2010
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 725
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jrobbins79 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2010 at 12:08pm
Originally posted by Trillian4210 Trillian4210 wrote:

 
Jason: Is Vampires Suck very bad?  (Not that I was holding out hope otherwise.)  But if anything deserves a full spoof, it's Twilight.
 
 
 
Couldn't tell ya.  After watching the steaming turdpiles that are Meet the Spartans and Date Movie, I vowed to never again contribute to the filmmakers' coffers.  Inexplicably, their movies keep making enough money to justify further greenlighting by the studio.  It's a vicious circle of craptastic proportions.  From the reviews tho, I'd say it's a safe bet that "Vampires Suck" sucks the big one.
 
If the writers of The Naked Gun ever spoof Twilight, I'll get on board.
Back to Top
shandra leah View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Addict
NYC Midnight Addict
Avatar

Joined: 13 Jan 2010
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 336
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote shandra leah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Sep 2010 at 12:33pm
The funny thing about your piece, Tril, is that that is pretty much on par with what I was thinking while I read the real things! My bro showed me this  youtube video of this guy pretty much reading through twilight out loud and making similarly snarky comments along the way. I was dying laughing!

Before I read them, most of my friends would always counter argue with "You can't really say all that stuff cuz you didn't read them! Read them and see for yourself! You'll love it!" So, I took the challenge and survived. Barely. Wink

edit: wow my sentences barely make sense. my head is stuffed up and I have military duty for the next 4 days :(


Edited by shandra leah - 30 Sep 2010 at 12:34pm
"The soul that loves and suffers is in the sublime state." -Victor Hugo
Back to Top
gaelicspirit View Drop Down
NYC Midnight Groupie
NYC Midnight Groupie
Avatar

Joined: 13 Aug 2010
Location: Kansas
Status: Offline
Points: 46
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote gaelicspirit Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Oct 2010 at 12:20pm
I can't concentrate today. And this is NOT helping. I, like you, read the first half of the first book before putting it far, far away from me while muttering, "You have GOT to be kidding me. THIS? THIS got published??"
 
And then, to make matters worse, my book club friends LIKED them. So...I went to the first movie. Perhaps seeing it would be better than reading it. Or...not.
 
I may have sprained something laughing throughout the lot of this. The disco ball analogy almost did me in. As did the Italian dinner sans garlic. But this? This line perfectly sums up the hold these stories have over the general populace:
 
Try not to think about details too much. It's easier that way.
 
*Claps* Bravo. And now I will endeavor to focus on the mundane and earn a paycheck. *sighs*
-------------------
I am a storyteller...or at least that's the story I tell myself.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  123 4>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 11.08
Copyright ©2001-2017 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.094 seconds.