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Round 2 SS Feedback Thread

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SakuraHime View Drop Down
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    Posted: 10 May 2017 at 10:53am
''Something in the Water'' by Krystina Whitten -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 
{1812}  The action at the beginning of the story caught my attention right away. The theme is interesting - tainted water that causes people to act like zombies - overall, a well developed premise with intriguing characters.  

{1689}  I love how you build your story on the strong connection between Andrew and Ella. Great job showing the people being slightly off through your imagery and their actions. The message of the final note is spot on.  

{1743}  This is a well-written short story whose fiction is more of a possibility than we care to know.  The note at the end of the story is a welcome surprise, and it is a fine touch to tie the whole story together in only a few sentences.  Congratulations to the author of this story for creating a fine piece of fiction.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 

{1812}  The ending lacks the authenticity of the rest of the story. It also raises questions that should be explained in the story. How did the woman manage to write a personal note to Ella, who hadn't introduced herself, and slip out the door without being seen? Why did she leave so mysteriously? The ending might work better if the woman simply told Ella about knowing her father and her need to leave again. If the woman had a safe water supply boiling on the stove, why was she "moaning" and "weak" when she had the strength to steal the water canteen from Ella and run away? Try to answer these questions and clear up the inconsistencies in the ending.  
I agree - this ending was thrown together after realizing my first one wasn't coming together the way I wanted it to.

{1689}  Though I love your bold choice to use a dual approach to tell your story, I’m not sure there’s enough time to do both. Try telling your story without the italicized sections. What do you notice? Does it make the story more immediate? Raise the stakes? If not, try putting all the information in italics together at the top. Does that make the rest of what happens easier to follow? I love this conflict over water—but I want to see the battle scene that brings the realization. I want to see the sacrifice that made that realization possible. I think you can bring those into your story if you focus on Ella’s relationship with her father or her father through the ranger. 
This is also pretty solid, the dual approach was a result of trying to correct the ending, so all of that was added after the original story was written and I scrapped my original ending.

{1743}  Probably better writing "anyway" than "anyways."  Pull up the space in "what" between "know" and "wrong' on page 3. Cut "up" after "dreamed."  Cut: "holy sh*t."  Cut: "You bitch."  Cut: "f**k."  You don't need it.
Fair, for the most part but seriously, the cursing during an intense and frightening situation makes sense to me, and was a way to express my MC's sense of stress and panic.

Overall, the feedback is pretty positive when compared to my own feelings about my round 2 story, and I'm looking forward to attempting this again next year!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote De Chelonian Mobile Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2017 at 3:39pm
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''Mythical Beasts and Remarkably Bad Dogs'' by Jonathan Clark -   WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 


{1795}  You might be surprised to hear it, but this is the very first story in this heat that used the classic postman vs dog theme. Congrats!

The premise is so incredibly simple, and kind of obvious, that one might expect at least part of this to feed into several other stories, but yours is almost wholly unique.  


{1569}  Fritz was the quintessential tongue tied lovestruck protagonist and his relationship with Madison took center stage, not the realm of magic. The arc of their relationship was satisfying. The humor was gentle and the characters and dialog felt authentic.  


{1809}  I like how you created prejudice between the dogs and postman.  


WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 


{1795}  This will all seem a bit picky perhaps, but given the journalist who leaves once the dachshund ends up putting Fritz on his ass, and the fact that Madison mentions receiving bad press, I wonder if there shouldn't be some mention of the headline the journalist chose to use. Everything went swimmingly, other than the one incident. Which means unicorns, and hellhounds, and dragons all passed just fine. So that headline must have been brutal to really elicit bad press. Once you have a solid story like you have, finding those little details that really flesh it out, can make a huge difference.  


{1569}  Fritz felt a little too weak. Perhaps some demonstration of ability or virtue to show why Madison was attracted to him might have helped.  


{1809}  Try giving your readers an ending to Fritz and Madison. It seems like they have unresolved issues. Maybe Fritz can ask her out and she says yes. Remember that both characters should either reach the goal that they have or fail.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote plkphoto Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 May 2017 at 7:26am
Originally posted by Tricksie Tricksie wrote:

Judge 1743 looooooves to comment on syntax. What's up with that? I think every feedback I've seen from them says something about syntax. (Including mine.)

English teacher? 

I noticed that too. The syntax comment I got from 1743 was quite helpful, though, and very specific to my story. So, if they're going to comment on syntax every time, at least they're making it count and not just giving the same generic comment to everyone. Smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tricksie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 May 2017 at 11:56pm
Judge 1743 looooooves to comment on syntax. What's up with that? I think every feedback I've seen from them says something about syntax. (Including mine.)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nate Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 May 2017 at 7:05am
Ok, I didn't make the final round.  After the initial disappointment, I had to agree with the Judges on most of their points.  I drew SciFi. 

I was able to sneak one by all of my Judges.  None caught my obvious reference to Fredrich Nietzsche and his concept of Ubermensch and the theme in my story about Nihilism.  Consider the following paragraph from my story....

Once the space wagon was loaded, I gave the command, “Let’s go.” We have to get out into the atmosphere to catch the interstellar teleporter to get to Earth.”   I doubled checked that the home pod was locked up.  The Mensch was ready to go.  My name is Uber.  Zarathustra, call her Zara, is my wife.  We have two children Mini, the youngest and most imaginative of us and Freddie, who is a teenager and no need to say more about that was the last to climb aboard the Rambler.  I hit the hyperspace button, and the launch countdown began, and we were now Earthbound.

So put that in your pipe you nasty, old, overworked Judges! Wink and thank you!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fragmentedelle Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 May 2017 at 12:35am
I haven't had mine yet, either. You aren't alone!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Imaginative Insanity Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2017 at 11:20pm
Has anyone else not gotten their feedback yet?

I know I technically have 40 more minutes until it's late, it just seems like everyone else has gotten theirs, and it's making me paranoid.

And yes, I've checked both 'promotions' (where NYCM stuff usually goes) and Spam.

I'll wait until after the official deadline to email them, I was just wondering if anyone else was in the same boat. Ermm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote plkphoto Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2017 at 10:18pm
I feel like I might have won the judge lottery this time around. I really like this feedback:

''The Secret of the Ibex'' (HM)

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - 

{1809}  I like how you built the tension of letting the readers know of Alberic's plan. I like how Dmitri followed the Ibex, it suggested that he is caring but also pays attention to nature. It's a good story that shows how people should would together to solve problems.  

{1569}  The contrasts built into the story by using the uplanders and flatlanders were very good and clearly presented. The story functions as both fable and fairy tale. The ending was satisfying and presented the moral of the story in action rather than simply stating it in narration. The assigned elements were very cleverly used.  

{1743}  Quite an inventive and imaginative fairy tale written as parable.  it is ingeniously rendered.  Fluidly written with a clarity of incisive dialog.  This writing exhibits discipline and control in its telling of the tale--of conservation, ecology, and peace.  

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - 

{1809}  Try making Alberic confront Dmitri and threatening the flatlanders. It would add more suspense to the readers as they read the tension that you have created. You should definitely keep the ending the same but it would allow your point to be clearer.  

{1569}  The story was exposition heavy which slowed the opening down. Conflict wasn't presented and stakes weren't raised until half-way through the story, and bringing it in earlier might have worked better.  

{1743}  Endings can often be a tad challenging even in a nearly masterful piece of writing.  Syntax is often everything, quite frankly.  Try inverting the last sentence ("Dmitri and Alberic . . . ") as the first in the ultimate paragraph; with the first sentence ("Slowly, the old man . . . ) now being the second, then ending with what was the second ("He bleated, and a small herd . . .).  That may provide just a bit more resonance, as well as lyricism, for the conclusion.

----

Not only do I agree with my feedback, but most of it will actually be useful when I go to revise. YAY!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fistofcurry Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2017 at 8:53pm
''Pendleton Crane and the Mystery of the Murdered Marathoner''

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY

{1733}  Pendleton Crane is a great character, and the twist at the end was so fulfilling because of his wonderfully full setup. It really was a great end to a delightful, smartly-written romp. 

{1626}  Fantastic introduction to Pendleton, nice action writing. I laughed at loud at this clever writing: “They say he’s smarter than Einstein and that wheelchair guy combined,” Tony gushed.” Strong visual, and hilarious: “It’s highly unnecessary,” replied Crane, tossing the bloodied end of his scarf over one shoulder. Loved this funny non-sequitur interruption: “I don’t see a racial angle o the crime.” Dylan getting on Crane’s level out of desperation was brilliant. Excellent comedic relief during the climax: “According to Dictionary.com, an armoire is defined as a wardrobe. . . or moveable cabinet.” Hilarious ending back and forth. 

{1651}  Great logline; it pulls you in immediately. I laughed out loud at the joke ending with "And ain't nobody solved it yet." The way this author writes makes for a fun read. 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK

{1733}  There is a problem of the plotline because the audience will suspend their disbelief to follow Crane around - we all love Bones or similar larger-than-life detectives! - but when he fights reason with the other cop who is nearly sent away, that's when reason kicks in. It loses that graceful tension the audience has lent you to go along with the ride. You really need to find a way to finesse that transition a bit more so that it's not such a jolt of "wait, that would never happen." 

{1626}  Not much room to improve, hilarious writing. The only thing I would change would be consider adding a third location or flashback to give the story more texture. 

{1651}  The story falls apart when Mr. Crane's scarf falls into the pool of blood. Now we know he's a hack and the jig is up, but the story continues. It feels a bit unbelievable that the rest of the officers would continue to believe Crane at this point. If you can make Crane believable up until near the very end, you can continue to build the tension and raise the stakes, earning that ending.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote stephenmatlock Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2017 at 7:56pm
Originally posted by patsy patsy wrote:

Originally posted by stephenmatlock stephenmatlock wrote:

There Are No Dreams in Space

I'm not sure what that last means either, but I think one of my judges got your story and mine confused.  The first half of his comment sounds like it should be about yours, but the last half about mine!
What do you think? 
 {1743}  This is quite a sophisticated piece of writing.  The knowledge of space flight, whether from reading science fiction or knowing something about aeronautics, is impressive; and it instills integrity into the fiction.  The sense of humor inculcated into the conclusion of this story is also refreshing--as is the heroism of the heroine.


I don't even know.

AFAICT, judges are paid for their time, so I think they're giving their input, but mine felt like they had to find something to say in spots. And then the last one...

Just don't have it in me right now to want to think about what they said.

But - I thought your story was interesting and well-crafted and a unique piece of writing.
Pithy sayings are for the apt. For a longer message, you need a condo.

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